My father passed away 3 days ago at the age of 96 from dementia. He was not eating anything, and barely drinking. He had aspiration pneumonia. On his last day, he asked for a drink, I gave him a drink through a syringe, but I think I gave him too much. He was coughing and choking, but eventually he coughed up a lot of phlegm, then he was fine. Breathing normal, no coughing or choking. Went into his room a couple times to checked on his breathing..he was ok. Was not coughing or choking. Third time I checked he was unconscious, and called 911. His heart had stopped. They got his heartbeat and pulse back, but died on the way to hospital. I know he had only a week left, but now I feel very guilty that I somehow contributed to his death by giving him those fluids.He was only given a week or two left to live before this, so his death was inevitable, I guess, regardless. Can anyone relate to this? The guilt and regret , for me, are overwhelming. Haven't had any comfort, or peace of mind, since.
Please be kind to yourself. Of course, giving someone a requested drink was the right thing to do. I'm sure you'd done it many time before and you did not do anything wrong. He was 96 and had a week left. It was his time. My MIL is 95 and we are not quite this far in the journey but I see it coming soon enough. You did your best so give yourself credit for that. He coughed, it resolved and later he passed. Seems quite unrelated to me.
However, you've been through a traumatic experience, and it's perfectly normal to run it through your head over and over while reviewing all the what-ifs. Trust me on this -- that trauma will fade in time. Give it a month or two, and let your mind work it out. This is what grief looks like.
I'm terribly sorry.
He asked for a drink and you gave it to him. That is what every loving child would have done for their parent.
You father would not want you feeling guilty for the good care you gave him at the end of his life. I'm sure he was very thankful that you stood by his side and did your very best.
So rest in that knowledge and take comfort in the fact that you did the very best you could. That is all any of us can do.
Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
If it helps at all my mother coughed up great gobs of phlegm the last few weeks of her life, since she eventually died of aspiration pneumonia I'm pretty sure it was her own saliva that was slowly trickling into her lungs because she was no longer swallowing it automatically. It can be hard to acknowledge to ourselves that the end is coming no matter what we do... I'm sorry for your loss.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.