Should I encourage Mom to move out of my house and live with her male friend?
We’re into 28 months of Mom living with us. Mostly she cannot afford to live on her own – she lost her house and job when she had her stroke in 2011. She does have some cognitive disabilities and is vision impaired. But it is a mystery as to how she would do if I wasn’t there to cook meals and oversee her every day.
Shortly after Dad died in 2010, a friend of Mom and Dad’s started calling on Mom. About a year ago, he asked Mom to marry him and Mom was considering it. But I knew family members didn’t like him and Mom herself has mixed feelings about him – says she knows she couldn’t be a good wife because she can’t take care of him as a wife should (she waited on my dad hand and foot). She’s also not wild about his cooking and "he’s not Dad," she says. But he’s interested in her. At the time, though, I dissuaded her from accepting the proposal.
Now, he calls her nearly every day and talks to her for long stretches. She likes it but she also complains about it a little. She doesn’t like it when he expects her to call him back, for instance, and she doesn’t. (I think she forgets but they don’t seem to think that I the case.) I don’t know how much of Mom’s complaining about him is real and how much is for my benefit, if she thinks that’s what I want to hear. He lives over 2 hours away, so they don't see each other.
I have come to feel that Mom would be more independent and have more freedom and companionship if she lived with this man. I’ve stopped caring what others in the family think since they help out so little. And my husband’s growing irritation at Mom living with us is also motivating me to look for other options. But there aren’t any. AL is not possible right now for financial reasons. Maybe if she gets the widow’s VA benefit she can do AL, but that’s not for sure.
I have a feeling if I start saying great things about her friend and encourage her to reconsider his proposal (which still stands) that she might consider it. He is in his 80s and quite fit, so who knows how long they would have. Mom is in her late 60s. Thoughts?
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I think the suitor thinks he will have someone to take care of and to "fix", quite frankly. He's into health stuff and exercise and often encourages Mom along those lines. I do not think he is fully aware of her limitations. And I think Mom knows she cannot be maid and cook to him and that was one thing that held her back. He may very well want her to do those things for him, too, not realizing she can't.
Mom has no resources or assets and if not for living with us would probably be on Medicaid and other assistance. She says he has money but I think by comparison to her he does. But in reality, it probably isn't that much.
I wonder if they would live together. They both have strong religious beliefs so I'm not sure. Maybe I can suggest a weekend stay - or a week. Mom has trouble understanding that my husband and I need a break from time to time and look forward to any visits she has with family. So I'm not sure if I tell her to stay with this man for a few days so we can have a break that it will make sense to her.
I guess I want to know if I'm terrible for even thinking along these lines! But when people age, companionship becomes important, doesn't it?
If Mom does decide to move forward in this relationship, perhaps they should see an elder law attorney together, to find out how marriage will effect them financially, and to see how best to protect each other in case of future disabilities.
Can't they just try living together first, to see how that works out - without putting it into concrete through marriage? Does he have his own home? I'd just be afraid that getting married without having spent a lot of time together (like as in living together) might result in some real unhappiness on one or both of their parts. And potential conflicts with kids/grandkids, etc. Why don't other friends/family like him?
I'd try to find out if your mom is eligible for some other living options that would get her out of your home, but maybe not as a wife with the suitor. Let her live near him for a while (even a couple of months), so they can spend more time together before considering marriage.