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My FIL went in to hospital about a month ago is finally home. We knew he would be basically bed bound when he got home, husband works full time, we have a 1 year old, and a teenager. We asked her to line up private care and she won’t. She is saying she can’t afford it, but she’s a multi millionaire owns several homes and they’re all payed off. She just built a huge house by a river for us all to vacation in the summers, She is living there full time with FIL. She expects us to come live there with her and care for him with her. She says FIL will only listen to his son and no one else. My husband has been sleeping there but I think it’s hard on my teenager and I’m trying to make life normal for her.


She gets some assistance from nurses for a few hours a week but I feel she needs more. He fell yesterday, and she is threatening not to feed him or change him if he doesn’t get up or do what she wants. He is embarrassed for me to change his diaper and doesn’t want me to see. She said she doesn’t want to pay someone to just sit with him, and she doesn’t need help. She told us that if we don’t come help he’ll just have to live in bed all day.


We love him very much, and we want to spend time visiting with him. Caring for him is stressful for him and us and I know she can afford the help. A few years ago she spent upwards of 15,000 doing quack holistic cancer therapy for him and hired two people to help me make juice and give him enemas around the clock. Now she won’t hire anyone when he really needs it. I’m so frustrated I want to keep boundaries and hold our ground so she’ll hire help but I’m afraid he’ll get hurt or suffer in the meantime. She keeps playing manipulative games saying she’ll hire someone, but then saying she’s afraid they’ll steal or she only wants someone 2 hours a day, and to do very specific things. She asked me to help her find a WiFi camera so she can leave the house and watch him while she’s out. We told her she can not leave him alone. I know it will kill her to stay with him and she’ll eventually get burned out and hire someone, but I’m afraid she’ll cause so much drama and punish us all in the meantime. Just need to vent thanks guys.

What a B!

I don’t do threats well, you are so much kinder then me.

I would tell her she has 1 weeks to hire an agency or you will be calling adult protected services, they will remove him from the home and force her to liquidate half their assets.

I would also ask her which house she likes the best because that will be the only one she is allowed to keep.

that’s neglect and abuse. I might also take her to court over it to get control over his care. Since she really don’t want the responsibility anymore.

there I vented back !!!! 🤪
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Reply to Ohlas1
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Call adult protective services. Tell them the story.
A social worker can help too to guide you what to do.
I know how it feels when someone has me take care of them instead of using their money for help.
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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Sounds like mother in law is trying to hang onto every last dime of preserving her inheritance! Does he qualify for hospice?
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Reply to elaine1962
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Living, I think that your husband should get in touch with the Social Worker and level with her about what is going on.

The bottom line is that FIL needs and deserves more care than he is getting. He has the funds to pay for good care and is being blocked by his wife who holds POA for him. That is abuse, plain and simple.

Has she consulted with a certified elder are attorney about the optimal strategy to preserve her funds while paying for his care?

As to her creating drama, so what?

Is that how she manipulates you all to get her way? If in person, walk away. On the phone, hang up. Resolve not to give in to her tantrums.

If she threatens you or her husband, call 911.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I agree with everyone. She can afford the care then she can pay for it. Sounds to me he needs to be in a nice LTC facility. He is past an AL. They are not equipped to do 24/7 care on a bed bound person.

Maybe your husband should file for guardianship. Dads money can be used for this and lawyers fees would be paid when husband is able to get control. A lawyer could make this easy and maybe help in setting up some kind of trust for Dads care. Your FIL is entitled to his part of the marital estate.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yes, in my opinion you are enabling her if you participate in care. You should withdraw for some period of time. It isn't clear to me that you live in the same town? If so it will be more difficult to withdraw, but you must, IMHO. As to living with them, I am certain you have already made it clear you would NEVER do this, because if not you are not only enabling a bad situation, but you are misleading her. Time to talk honestly and be forthcoming and clear in all communications. This will help her with decisions ongoing. Time also to stop participating in care. She clearly, in upsizing to "huge house" is not operating in the real world. As long as you participate she won't have to.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Why would it be a bad thing if someone stepped in and got him care?

They won't take him back to rehab. The State COULD step in and take guardianship. And take half their assets for his care in a nursing home, if that is the level of care he needs.

Is MIL dealing with cognitive or mental health issues? She really needs to see an Elder Care attorney to determine the best course of action.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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elaine1962 Sep 21, 2020
Sounds like mother in law is greedy for her inheritance and doesn’t want to spend a dime on getting her husband care.
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Call APS and report and endangered elder. Let the reporting person know in depth your concerns.

If it's determined that MIL is being abusive, FIL can and should be removed from her 'care'.

You need to be a little aggressive to get them to follow through.

Sounds like MIL is trying to save as much $$ as she can for her own inheritance.
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Reply to Midkid58
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elaine1962 Sep 21, 2020
Midkid58, I agree!
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Who has POA for him? And what do you mean " take him"?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Living4722 Sep 20, 2020
MIL has POA. I am new to this and I assumed that if the social worker checks up and he’s fallen a lot or developed a bedsore they’ll take him back to rehabilitation or declare the home unfit and move him to a care facility. I’m assuming that’s rare?
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He has a social worker I’m afraid he’ll develop a bed sore, or fall and they’ll take him. Will they take him for falling out of bed?
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Reply to Living4722
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Does your FIL have access to his own money? Can he pay for his own caregivers?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Living4722 Sep 20, 2020
He is no coherent enough to set that up or hire anyone. She has access to his money but is being so stubborn she won’t use it.
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