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Two days ago my husband brought his father to “visit” us for a few weeks. FIL has dementia and lives in another state. Was released from rehab. Son with POA who lives there does not want to care for him. He gave DH POA for medical only and it is dual POA. I knew this was planned but DH denied it and didn’t tell me that he was coming. He went to his dad’s to “assess the situation” and called me from there to tell me that he was bringing him here. DH works full time.


We we met with an elder attorney and DH didn’t do anything she said. She said she never recommended dual POA. I asked what if FIL came here and then BIL wouldn’t take him back. She said that would be a very bad situation. DH left the meeting, came straight home and went to his dad’s and brought him here.


DH fell and broke a bone that requires surgery. BIL is refusing to come get him. We don’t have financial POA. DH won’t stand up to the brother. Our son is here going off on me because I say his dad needs to leave. Even DH says his brother needs to come get him. Even if he says that to his brother, he can’t make him.


What do we do? My stress level is off the charts. No one seems to think this is a big deal. Since FIL has been here, every second has been spent helping him. The bathrooms were messy. He’s taken over the whole house. DH needs calm and quiet. It was a serious injury. What do we do? DH admits he needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. BIL wants money for “inheritance”.

Who cares what they think of you?

Apparently, you've married onto a family in which women are supposed to do what the men tell them to do?

If FIL's care is " no big deal" then why cant he stay at BIL's?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Apparently the brother with financial POA believes it would do more harm than good to have his dad admitted somewhere. Bleeding heart - sure go with that one. He doesn’t want to care for him so I assume his answer is to get my husb to take him into his home. So this is hopeless.

I have made my decision. I will not have this forced on me. If my husb allows this to happen and allows me to walk away without a blink then what really am I leaving? Love? If I stay I’ve already lost. Why should I be the one blamed here? I’m the one with the bullseye to blame simply because I won’t roll over and go with the plan that I was neither informed of nor consulted with.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 7, 2019
Stay strong and plan well.

Remember, you own 50% of everything. Don't settle for less.

I hope it doesn't come to you loosing your marriage and all, but if it does, I want to see you get what is rightfully yours.

Your BIL is a POS and he doesn't get a vote if he isn't helping with the care.

I would contact the authorities and turn him in for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior. He doesn't get dads money until dad dies, period.
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The longer that I'm on this site the more I see how difficult and messy family situations become when you take on the task of being a caregiver. The make a buck sentimentality of corporations, who bombard us at early ages that life is a pretty picture all the way through offend me. I didn't live under a rock, but I never was fully informed how difficult life is towards the end. In my own situation, I've stepped away from the situation for my own piece of mind. I get this... "I can’t fight all these people. I just have to take care of me". It is interesting how the relationships change in a family when hard choices have to be made. For years one of my brothers didn't have anything to do with either of my parents. Now he is the main caregiver. I stepped away because of the verbal abuse that I have endured for the last ten years from a father with dementia. The verbal abuse is hard to take. He needs to go in care but refuses to do so. That last time he verbally attacked me, I was expecting he would get physical. It is amazing how much abuse families can shovel on a person and how much people change in this environment. You will get some great answers on here, Sherib56, just know that you are not alone. *hugs*
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SheriB56 Jun 8, 2019
Thank you so much for understanding. It means a lot when no one around you gets it. I feel so guilty for reaching out but I was at my wits end. I had to find support somewhere.

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s a shame it comes to this with family. Each individual has his or her own limits and it should be respected. There is no one answer to these situations but you get someone trying to push what they want and you can’t work with them. Walk away is all you can do.
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Sheri, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that this is not just about caregiving, it’s about domestic violence abuse. Domestic violence is no longer limited to a black eye and broken ribs, and you are being financially abused and controlled like a slave. Please contact the Domestic Violence resources in your area and find out what they can do for you or suggest.
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SheriB56 Jun 4, 2019
I was able to financially be a stay at home mom. Then when that ended I got busy with other things and just never went back to work. I need to for SS purposes. Get in a few more years. It wasn’t because I was controlled.
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"I stated that FIL needs to be admitted to a facility. Husb and I don’t have the financial power. Husb wont take the legal steps to get it done. I don’t see how I can make that happen."

sheri - leave until it does happen, even if it means you go to a shelter. This situation is impossible for you and your health is suffering, I agree it is abuse,
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golden23 Jun 4, 2019
What I meant here is that it is more likely to happen if you do leave. As long as you are there doing what they want you to do, they have no reason to change.
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It seems only you thought in advance of consequences from moving FIL to your house and stated clearly that was not to be done. Now you are also looking way ahead to consequences if you leave in order to let the people who caused this situation work something else out. I suggest you not think that far ahead, as you just don't know what everyone will do in your absence. You are using lack of money as an excuse to stay in a situation you cannot handle. You are entitled to half of all assets and you can get some sort of job if necessary, but all that is in the unknown future. Hire help and/or leave. The help can clean the house! If you stay and cleaning is your coping mechanism, you clean and let the help take care of FIL and husband. Just start both letting go of what doesn't matter and do what does matter. Start. You are making yourself crazy with indecision, reasons, and excuses. No one will respect you if you don't respect yourself. I say this to be positive for your future, not to be mean.
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I think I'd put grand-dad in the car and take him over to BIL's.

Asentence that, call social services, Area Agency on Aging and fil's doctor tomorrow. You need an emergency respite placement in AL due to your husband's medical emergency. Talk to the SW department at the hospital where DH is having his surgery as well. They may be able to help.

You can hire a home healthcare agency using FIL's funds to provide care.

Is DH expecting to come home after surgery and have you care for both him and his dad?

What are your expectations of your son's role during this crisis?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I'm having trouble following who is who. DH and FIL, "his dad", and "him". But whatever and whoever, you should not have the entire responsibility for all this. How about you leave?
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Leaving could be an option.

Is your son an adult? Let him step up and do some caregiving.
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Ahmijoy Jun 2, 2019
I totally agree. Go to an ATM or use a credit card and book yourself into a nice hotel room for a long weekend. There’s always a chance they won’t let you back in the house, but then you get yourself an attorney. He’s not YOUR father and the obligation to him and his care isn’t your’s, no matter what your husband and your son say. Too bad son is too old to turn over your knee. He needs it.
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I agree with Barb, put FIL in a taxi and have him delivered to BIL COD.

If BIL won't let dad's money be used for dad, I personally would file financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior charges and let him deal with that.

It is dads money until he dies, to be used to provide the best care possible for him. Anything else is criminal and should be dealt with as such.

Or you could get a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to dad's estate, if financial POA ignores it during life, you present it to the estate during probate. Then he has no say, the judge is obligated to pay dad's debts from his estate. That is as long as BIL isn't currently using all the money.

Tough situation for you. I think that your husband crossed a line when he didn't discuss bringing his dad for you to be the 24/7 caregiver. He and the son that think you are overreacting need to step up and take care of FIL. Then see how long they find his presence wonderful. Easy to complain when you are not the one that has just finished cleaning the bathroom for the 5th time today and now you have to go prepare lunch.

I think that the men in your life are spoiled and treat you like a servant not a mother and wife. It's easy to pamper our men when we love them to death, we just don't think about the consequences until a time like this.

Be calm and start handing out chores.

Hugs!
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NYDaughterInLaw Jun 2, 2019
I agree 100%: "If BIL won't let dad's money be used for dad, I personally would file financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior charges and let him deal with that. It is dads money until he dies, to be used to provide the best care possible for him. Anything else is criminal and should be dealt with as such." That is 100% correct.
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