Two days ago my husband brought his father to “visit” us for a few weeks. FIL has dementia and lives in another state. Was released from rehab. Son with POA who lives there does not want to care for him. He gave DH POA for medical only and it is dual POA. I knew this was planned but DH denied it and didn’t tell me that he was coming. He went to his dad’s to “assess the situation” and called me from there to tell me that he was bringing him here. DH works full time.
We we met with an elder attorney and DH didn’t do anything she said. She said she never recommended dual POA. I asked what if FIL came here and then BIL wouldn’t take him back. She said that would be a very bad situation. DH left the meeting, came straight home and went to his dad’s and brought him here.
DH fell and broke a bone that requires surgery. BIL is refusing to come get him. We don’t have financial POA. DH won’t stand up to the brother. Our son is here going off on me because I say his dad needs to leave. Even DH says his brother needs to come get him. Even if he says that to his brother, he can’t make him.
What do we do? My stress level is off the charts. No one seems to think this is a big deal. Since FIL has been here, every second has been spent helping him. The bathrooms were messy. He’s taken over the whole house. DH needs calm and quiet. It was a serious injury. What do we do? DH admits he needs to be in assisted living or nursing home. BIL wants money for “inheritance”.
Apparently, you've married onto a family in which women are supposed to do what the men tell them to do?
If FIL's care is " no big deal" then why cant he stay at BIL's?
I have made my decision. I will not have this forced on me. If my husb allows this to happen and allows me to walk away without a blink then what really am I leaving? Love? If I stay I’ve already lost. Why should I be the one blamed here? I’m the one with the bullseye to blame simply because I won’t roll over and go with the plan that I was neither informed of nor consulted with.
Remember, you own 50% of everything. Don't settle for less.
I hope it doesn't come to you loosing your marriage and all, but if it does, I want to see you get what is rightfully yours.
Your BIL is a POS and he doesn't get a vote if he isn't helping with the care.
I would contact the authorities and turn him in for financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior. He doesn't get dads money until dad dies, period.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s a shame it comes to this with family. Each individual has his or her own limits and it should be respected. There is no one answer to these situations but you get someone trying to push what they want and you can’t work with them. Walk away is all you can do.
sheri - leave until it does happen, even if it means you go to a shelter. This situation is impossible for you and your health is suffering, I agree it is abuse,
Asentence that, call social services, Area Agency on Aging and fil's doctor tomorrow. You need an emergency respite placement in AL due to your husband's medical emergency. Talk to the SW department at the hospital where DH is having his surgery as well. They may be able to help.
You can hire a home healthcare agency using FIL's funds to provide care.
Is DH expecting to come home after surgery and have you care for both him and his dad?
What are your expectations of your son's role during this crisis?
Is your son an adult? Let him step up and do some caregiving.
If BIL won't let dad's money be used for dad, I personally would file financial exploitation of a vulnerable senior charges and let him deal with that.
It is dads money until he dies, to be used to provide the best care possible for him. Anything else is criminal and should be dealt with as such.
Or you could get a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to dad's estate, if financial POA ignores it during life, you present it to the estate during probate. Then he has no say, the judge is obligated to pay dad's debts from his estate. That is as long as BIL isn't currently using all the money.
Tough situation for you. I think that your husband crossed a line when he didn't discuss bringing his dad for you to be the 24/7 caregiver. He and the son that think you are overreacting need to step up and take care of FIL. Then see how long they find his presence wonderful. Easy to complain when you are not the one that has just finished cleaning the bathroom for the 5th time today and now you have to go prepare lunch.
I think that the men in your life are spoiled and treat you like a servant not a mother and wife. It's easy to pamper our men when we love them to death, we just don't think about the consequences until a time like this.
Be calm and start handing out chores.
Hugs!