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I saw a similar question to mine but I have a slightly different twist, my parents live in Florida, my sister and I live in California, there is a 24-hour best case turnaround to get across the county. This past week my dad needed to go to the hospital late at night with chest pains and difficulty breathing. Fortunately their neighbors were able to help get him to the hospital, and stay with my mom. She doesn’t drive, gets lost really easily. I would love to know if there is some support organization for my mom, who needs help until I can get to her if this occurs in the future. I would love to have a plan instead of hoping the neighbors are available or worse my dad doesn’t get help because he is afraid to leave my mom alone. Any advice would be appreciated.

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When I cared for my mother I engaged a two tiered system of emergency care. First, my mother's youngest sister (22 years younger) was in good health and had a guest room Mom occupied for 1-3 days several times for scheduled events and was usually available and certainly willing to care for mom if needed. Maybe you could find a friend or retired nurse who would be willing to fulfill this role? Second, I contracted with an AL/MC for respite care. If a room/bed was available they would take mom with an hour notice. Before mom was accepted as a client, they preformed an assessment of her needs and she spent a day there in their day care every 3-6 months before covid. Something like this may be very useful for you if you need somewhere safe for one parent while you need to stay with the other in a hospital. I never had to use this option, but it gave me a lot of comfort to know it was available if needed.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your advice this forum is so helpful. I am grateful to have this information. And I feel like I can make a plan and work towards having proper care for both of my parents.
Thank you!
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Welcome, Clb!

I'm going to turn this around, please don't take offense.

I would be more worried about DAD'S health right now. It sounds like mom's care is getting to be too much for him. How much help does he have coming in?

Who stays with mom when dad goes for his cardiac testing? If he needs a long hospitalization?

I think it may be time to have a tough talk with dad about a different plan, maybe one that involves moving someplace where there is always a staff person on call, or moving closer to you.
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My father was in the exact same situation, caring for my mother and so afraid to leave her that he never took care of his own health. He died from a treatable condition which he refused to deal with because he didn't want to leave my mother.

He did have to go into hospital a few times before he died and the only solution we found was an on call paid caregiver. I lived abroad and my brother several states away so we weren't an option. We eventually had to find respite care as my fathers health issues became more frequent. This is also a good option.

I have two recommendations, you dad needs to take his health seriously. If he needs any type of treatment, get it done, and find temporary care for your Mom. When my dad died I couldn't take care of my mom and she is now in a facility and we have no other option. My second recommendation is start finding paid caregivers that your father can call at any time. They do exist. Your dad will probably not want paid care and think he is totally capable of doing everything himself. That is not true and puts both him and your mother in danger. If they want to stay where they are, they need to understand that they need more help and you can provide it.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you so much for your insight, sorry for your loss. This along with everyone else's comments are so reassuring. He fortunately does seem to take care of himself, and having your example as to why this is important will help in my conversation.
Thank you!
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Depending on how hard-headed and hard-nosed you think you can force yourself to be, it might be no bad thing not to let anybody know that by busting a gut (and presumably your bank balance) you can get to your mother in 24 hours.

I don't *know* that this is true in your parents' Florida location but I can tell you what would happen here (and although of course systems vary, they generally have to do similar jobs).

The paramedics are mandated reporters. When they collect one half of an elderly couple and become aware (from observation or reports) that the other half is unable to cope alone, they report it to APS or the equivalent, and they do that immediately. APS then refers the vulnerable person to whichever service they think best. Our service's response time for such a referral is two hours, which means that within 2 hours we will have telephoned or visited the person being referred, we do an assessment of need, and then we either provide calls or escalate the referral to other services such as urgent respite care. We probably would ask the neighbours, too, especially if they've volunteered in the past; and we'd contact any family we had permission to contact.

In other words - your mother will not be left alone and forgotten in her house, not even if the neighbours have gone out to dinner.

I also don't know how brutal you're prepared to be with your father; but if he's afraid to leave your mother alone and you really think he might keep quiet about feeling ill for that reason, perhaps he had better think on what would happen if he died in the house and nobody knew because he'd decided not to call for help. Does he wear a falls alarm or other device?
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your response. I wasn’t aware of the Paramedic’s being responsible evaluating and possibly taking both elderly parents. I will make sure my dad is aware so that could put him at ease in the event that he needs emergency care.
Thank you!
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By ""independent living" do you mean a senior community with Assisted lining and LTC too? If so, maybe its time for your parents to think about Assisted living. Dad can live there with Mom. This gives him some freedom knowing she is cared for if this happens again. Also, gives him freedom to get out of the facility. Enjoy the outings and activities.

Husbands Aunt and Husband are in a really nice community in Homosassa. They live in a cottage with an AL and LTC care provided. Even though they live in the cottage, for an xtra charge, they can get help. Like an aide to help bathe one of them. I would think if one ended up in the hospital the other could be cared for in the cottage or be taken to the AL side till the other spouse can return. Probably at a cost.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your response, I will try and see what assisted living places are available around their current location. The struggle for my dad is he loves the neighborhood and neighbors. Starting all over again in a new assisted living space would be hard but maybe necessary.
Thank you!
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Thank you, trying to get that plan together now. I dud find out that nursing homes offer respite care as well. Fortunately, his heart is fine, it ended up being a bout of pneumonia and honestly an anxiety attack, but you raise a good point, he loves the neighborhood they are in so I haven’t pushed the move thing too much. Change is difficult but at this point maybe necessary
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Techie, you raise an interesting proposition - contracting with an AL/MC facility ahead of time, with a pre-assessment beforehand.

We encountered some serious conditions when a windstorm knocked out power in my father's area. He was on oxygen 24/7 and had a limited supply left for that day. I wasn't even going to consider trying to haul the concentrator over to my house; it was just too heavy.

(In retrospect, I should have called the supplier and asked if they would furnish the equipment temporarily at my house.)

The rehab facilities where he had previously been wouldn't consider taking him, nor would AL facilities, which required a chest x-ray before even evaluating a decision to take him.

Was this Al/MC facility one with which you'd had previous experience? Large? Small? Did your mother have to get a chest x-ray hours before she came to stay temporarily?

I think the area might play a role as well. I get the impression you're in kind of a rural area; we're in a heavily populated, congested area, with dozens and dozens of facilities. Many of them "pick and choose."

Thanks for any insight you can offer.
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TNtechie Jul 2022
They required an assessment and access to Mom's medical records. I don't remember a separate chest x-ray, however Mom had one at her doctor's office a few months previously. The primary place I contracted was a close, new, and relatively small place with total capacity of 48 (my SIL resides there now & my father's cousin was a resident for about 3 years). I also contracted with the MC where I had placed my father, reasoning one place or the other would have a bed. I usually took the day care days when her regular ADC was closed (holidays). There was some extra expense in contracting two but I figured I saved enough money taking care of Mom at home to make up for it. Mom and Dad's money outlasted them so I think I did okay.
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What are your mother's health conditions? Does she have dementia and your father is her caregiver?
If such is the case the hospital, local police department, and the local paramedics in your paretns' area can be informed that if dad has to go the hospital for some reason, mom will also be admitted to the hospital or put into respite care in a facility until he gets out.
Please speak to them about it. This way if you had to get there, at least your mother would not be left alone in the house.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your response. My mom’s heath is fairly good, she suffers from some back pain and circulatory deficiencies and some high blood pressure but outside of that generally she is well. We had her evaluated a couple of years ago and she was given a cognitive decline diagnosis, with Covid pandemic, time and the isolation her memory has really gone, she cannot remember much at all short term things and gets extremely frustrated by it. Her dad had Alzheimers and she watched him deteriorate and it scares her as she doesn’t want to be a burden. This stage of life is so sad difficult I feel like she struggles with the fear of the unknown.
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In an emergency case like this paramedics would transport both to the hospital and mom would be admitted as well.
If there is a planning stage mom can go to Respite care in a Memory Care facility. This has to be scheduled, she has to have a physical, or doctors letter indicating that she is in good health. She may also have to have a TB skin test, depending on where they live she might have to have 2 done. (there is a blood test that would replace both skin tests) And the facility has to have a bed/room available.
Also if this is planned you or your sister could also come and care for mom as well.
Personally I think Respite stay in Memory Care would be a better option. You would be able to care for dad as well visit when you were there. And dad might be better if mom is in Respite for a while while he concentrates on his health.
If mom is on Hospice you could contact Hospice, they will arrange a Respite stay that is covered by Medicare/Medicaid as well as most other insurance. And if they have room in the In Patient Unit they may even be able to do a bit longer than what is normally covered so dad can recover.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your response, fortunately I can work from anywhere so I plan to stay here until I have things figured out and my dad feels better. The hospital told me about respite care as well so looking into that option. Thank you for your insights.
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Even though your dad may want to defer discussion about getting help caring with your mom, this topic is too important to drop.
It is common for the caregiver spouse to become seriously ill/die before the dependent spouse.
When that happens, the dependent spouse has to have 24 hour care at home until ALF or memory care or SNF placement can be arranged.
In some areas APS might be able provide a very short term (24 hour) caregiver to an elder who can't be left alone...but relying on EMS to call APS is a thin straw.
Contact the local council on aging to find out which area agency on aging covers the community where they live. These agencies provide detailed information on all aspects of elder care, including some you may not have considered. You may be eligible for an assessment of care needs, based on certain criteria. Start with this source of information - covered by federal funds, so they already paid for the information.
If dad totally resists conversation about moving to a setting with caregivers available around the clock, then the idea of finding a non medical home care agency that allows you to enroll them and get all the documentation done in advance, so they can show up in an emergency is the way to go.
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Clb0321 Aug 2022
Thank you for your response, my sister and I are looking into some services as well
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