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My mom is constantly laying on the guilt. My daughter and son in law, husband and 2 grandchildren all live with us including mom. New grandbaby was born 3 days ago. Now mom is jealous of the time I am spending with my own grandchildren. Last night she actually said that she thinks I pay attn to them more because they are blood to me (I'm adopted). In all my years I have NEVER said anything but wonderful things about mom. I've never searched, I've always said thank you to people who said I looked like her, etc. This was a really really big hurt for me. She KNOWS I don't care if I were adopted. She is my mom. I can't go on like this. She's so very jealous of the time I spend with my grandchildren and my husband and wants to go everywhere with us. I work 10 hours a day, husband is handicapped and she wants to know why I don't spend more time with her. I am the only child basically as my brother wants nothing to do with any of us. I am soooo tired of dividing my time to make sure everyone has a piece of me. When I talk about nursing homes, she says I promised to never put her in one. Well, that was before I knew what this would entail. Mom's dementia gets worse every day. The guilt is killing me to the point that I would rather just not be around anymore. It's too much

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You are on the right track! Transition Mom into getting used to help from others...my Mom resisited too...but now she sees that it takes a "village" to help care for a senior. Add on more help as time goes on. The crucial point will be when you do not have enough help to care for her medical needs. Then it is time to consider an appropriate facility. Start looking now. It will give you peace of mind and you should be easing into that conversation with your Mom too. Start by saying, "Mom I love you but I am just one person and now you need several to help you stay healthy." Then drop the subject and let her think about it. I never think it is fair to get to "critical" mass then make this big change.
The depression and anxiety are alarming. Try to get Mom into a respite center so you and the hub can get away for a few days...this will also get Mom used to others...she may even see that there is more for her to do.
Please avoid prescription meds if you can...it is better to deal with the problem head on and make changes now.
good luck
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Hi to all and thanks. Actually the kids are moving in September to their own house. It really isn't them. We've lived together for 4 years now with NO problems at all. Put mom in the mix and it just all goes haywire. Also, with them moving out, I'll have mom all alone besides my hubby. I'm bringing in help now for 3 days a week whether she wants it or not. My helper will take her out, help mom "make" dinner and just be a companion to her. This she will see as me trying to get out of spending time with her even though this will be while I work. I honestly can't win here and I already suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder.
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I have a niece who's 30 years old, married with 2 kids and should be pretty grown up, but when she gets mad at her step mom she ALWAYS plays the 'I'm adopted you love your daughter more' card. Oh come on already!! So that's nothing new evidently, but Lilliput is right there are TOO many people living in your house. Sounds like the expiration date is due on a few of them. And I feel sorry for your poor husband, what does he say? I know you love your kids, but speaking as a kid myself you're not helping them in the long run sheltering them from getting their 'sea legs' in life.
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You are definitely "sandwiched" in there! There are just too many people living under one roof. I have always said that it is difficult to combine households whether it is adult children returning home or elderly family members.
As seniors age, their world becomes smaller and they cling on to the primary caregiver. When you direct your attentions elsewhere, they would naturally become jealous. I know this is hard to understand right now, but please let your Mom's nasty words roll off your back. When a child has a tantrum, don't they also say things just to sting? This is no different and should not be taken seriously. You are right about the guilt trip...it is just a way of contolling you. But if you do not react, she will drop this technique anyway.
Do not make a decision about placing your Mom out of weariness or anger. Is she ready for a facility? Can they offer her things that you can't (such as appropriate medical and mental care)? Do you have nice facilities close by?
In the meantime, maybe it is wise to give both your children and Mom and "expiration date" for their stay. It can be a few months to a year from now. That way no one is broadsided from the change. That is why it is never wise to do make this decision out of frustration. Look at it this way, if you did not exist, Mom and kiddos would make another living arrangement and life would go on.
When everyone has left the nest you can relax and become the "visiting daughter" and doting grandmother and go home to your own quiet nest.
Good luck...these things take time and planning...be patient with yourself.....take some breaks yourself and let the kids pitch in to take care of grandmother...
Lilli
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