My mom has mid stage dementia. She is agitated about everything. Does this attitude come from dementia?

I feel so bad for you i didn't want to answer, but I had a thought. I usually suggest joking, but that isn't working.

The other thing to try is sympathy. Her situation really does suck. She has a lot of good help from you, but she is angry and scared because she knows that she is losing her brain.

Try saying, "Gee, mom, I'm sorry I can't get it right. I bet you would rather do it all yourself." I'm sure you are very nice and kind, but it's hard to be nice to someone who is bitching about how incompetent you are. Just say things like "Old age ain't for sissies, is it?" and "Nothing seems to be working today, does it?" Blame the outside world for her problems, and do your best to shrug off her barbs.

I hope this suggestion is helpful, because I would hate to be in your shoes. God bless you.

wow you must have my mother. lol Seriously as i was reading your blog I was laughing to myself...she has MY MOTHER...except mine is legally blind, can't hear and rarely wears her hearing aids and is very unsteady on her feet. However, the worst part is we not only live together but she is attached to me at the hip. I'm 63 and she still treats me like i'm 5....anyway YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS THE WAY YOU DO. I just stumbled onto this site and thank God cuz I'm about ready to blow my brains out. So thank you for sharing.....It's 3am gotta get some sleep hang in there and be grateful SHE DOESN'T LIVE WITH YOU. no question it is like "no good deed goes unpunished"

i believe that agitation is usually caused by loss of control. you might try creating at least the illusion that shes in control and people are operating by her directives. taking her to the wrong bank to find out about the account for herself makes me think you are letting her range thru her paces. good strategy, wish you luck.

OMG our situations are so similar, my moms anger and paranoia are getting worse and I take the entire brunt as my siblings practically ignore her. She denies her behavior and she won't go to doc for meds cause she is afraid they will take her DL away! She promises me over and over she won't be mean to me but it never lasts, I feel hopeless

John,
Let me offer you Dysfunctional Family Bingo. Mom won't change, and can't change, and wouldn't remember how she was supposed to change if she wanted to. So change your mindset so it doesn't hurt so much.

For DF Bingo, make a list of the horrible things she says to you. When you visit her, and she repeats one of her favorites, you get a point. If it's a brand new one, add it to the list. Do you know anyone else with difficult parents? (Just every single person in the world!) Get together at a bar with pads of paper to enjoy writing up the list and laugh and groan and get a little tipsy. If you can expect her to say the cruel thing, you can maybe laugh and let it roll off your back.

Does your mother really love you, or did she when you were young? I hope the answer is yes, because you can remind yourself of how sweet she was. This new person isn't really your mother. Your real mother still loves you. This pitiful but sharp-tongued old lady needs your care and compassion, but you don't have to believe what she says.

It's possible that she wasn't ever that good to you. That's true for a lot of people here. If so, you may be hoping that caring for her will make her realize that you are a good son and deserve her love. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. If you can care for her because it's the right thing to do, and because she is pitiful, then you can decide how much you are willing to do. No amount of self-sacrifice will change the past.

One last point. When she is mean, call her on it. "Mother, that was unkind. I don't like it when you treat me like that." As with an animal, "discipline" her at once, while she still remembers what she said. But don't be surprised if she can't change. You will feel less hopeless if you speak up for yourself, without resorting to being unkind.

You are doing God's work. Please try to let her comments go.

Karenp, you are describing my mother to a T. She was exactly like that before she went into the NH. I begged my sister to let her have meds and she said no. So she acted just like your mother. Now that she is in the NH, she is on meds and is better. All I can say is take care of yourself and perhaps limit the amt of time you spend with her. That's what I had to do.

I love Dysfunctional Family Bingo. That is brilliant!

KarenP unfortunately it's all typical of dementia. Dementia is a disease in which the brain is slowly dying and causing a disconnect of some sort. The sarotonin levels are affected by this. Sarotonin is the chemicals that create such moods. Depression, anger, euphoria. Such highs and lows in moods are a big part of the Dementia. Finding a way to handle these swings are the key to success. If you are interested in learning google "Teepa Snow". She has worked with Dementia/Alzhiemers patients and has many resourceful instruction videos. I learned a great deal from her when I cared for my 91 year old mom. Mom lost her battle almost a year ago on Jan 9 th. Sorry about your frustrations. But the more you know about the disease the better equipped you will be.

Glad to know other people resent their parent with dementia. For a while I thought my sister and I were the only two. We are beginning to think being mean, ungrateful, miserable, demanding, thoughtless and complaining were her characteristics all along and are just being maximized with this disease. Either way we both despise being around her.

guishardhenry, I am so sorry you despise being around your mother with dementia. At least you didn't say that you despise your mother! Does it help at all to know that she can't help this? That there are real, physical damaged spots in her brain, that could be seen in an autopsy?

I was really concerned about my marriage. My husband wasn't "mean" but he didn't seem to be paying any attention to me, wouldn't remember things I told him, and was generally just not "with it" in our relationship. He'd say, "I don't remember hearing that," and I'd say, snidely, "Of course you don't remember. You don't pay attention!!" I was mad.

And then other symptoms appeared. Something was definitely wrong. He was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. My attitude changed overnight. The poor guy! He didn't choose to have this disease and he didn't fail to pay attention because he didn't care, he literally couldn't "attend" to the moment, as his doctor explained to me. Instead of being mad, I did my best to learn about his disease and we coped with it together for the next ten years.

Doesn't know that your mother's behavior is caused by defects in her brain that SHE CAN'T HELP soften your attitude toward her just a bit?

This question is from 2012 ?

Yes but doesn't matter if it's from 2002 because this is a very common issue, sadly, and as long as someone chimes in every couple of months with help or even to offer a united front that we are not alone, it is still a relevant topic.

My 91 year old Mother is living with us now and the article describes her to a tee. She can have the best of the best and complain, complain about EVERYTHING. Says she wants to die but God does not even want her. My husband finally said to ME why would God want to be around someone who complained ALL the time about everything. She would say the wings are too long or the wings are too short or the halo is too high or too low, gown is not white enough and the clouds hurt my feet because they are too hard. Why would God want someone around like that. Well you get the idea. My Father died Nov.2, 2015 after 66 years of marriage and now she is worse than ever. But she was like this before he died so it has nothing to do with it. I am so done.

126Cher - First, it's not personal but it sure is hard to remember that when they are having your hind quarters for lunch. Have your mom seen by a geriatric specialist.

My mother was a very difficult and critical person her whole life, but after strokes (big and little), it got a lot worse. She eventually was diagnosed with dementia. I also learned she had struggled with Bi-polar, depression, and other psychiatric problems before dementia. That explained her odd and difficult behaviors!

She sat in the dark a lot, doing nothing, for weeks on end, waiting for Jesus.
I was in a bad mood one day, and answered her back "how do you know he hasn't been here and ran away?"


As her dementia progressed, the line between her mental illness and dementia became indistinguishable. It no longer matters now. She is treated for the paranoia, anger, hallucinations, and violent behaviors.

The good news is there is treatment, but you have to see a doctor who specializes in aging, to get a correct diagnosis. A geriatric psychiatrist may also need to be in the picture.

My mom's agitation in her moderate-severe stage of her Vascular Dementia has hit an all-time high because we have temp caregivers coming in. I have no idea where she gets the energy, but she insists one leaves as another comes in. Then she insists she needs nobody and THAT girl has to go too. She makes everyone feel unwelcome, and she is being not only rude, but extremely difficult. She CANNOT be left alone in her home, and she is acting like a spoiled brat. It is very hard to keep in mind that this is dementia talking; when, in fact, she's always been difficult. She refuses to let a caregiver spend the night, and they HAVE to stay, so it's just Groundhog Day - over and over and over - every damn day "when is she leaving??" "i'm not running a HOTEL Here!!!" and more lovely (almost comical) things flying out of her mouth. I hate going over to give her her pills but she won't let anyone else do it for fear they are poisoning her.
Some grandmas are fat, apron-wearing, cookie baking loves with dimples.
My mom is as neurotic as they come.
Usually what has always been in the personality to start with rears its head with dementia. Add weird mixes and trials of behavior meds, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotic drugs into the mix and you never know from one day to the next which argument or tantrum she'll be repeating.
Dementia is Hell.

Nikki999 - I would speak to the doctor about her meds. If it's not helping, they need to try a different med or different dose. My mom had been on Ativan for anxiety but it did jack squat for her. Seroquel was almost right. Risperidone/Risperdal has hit the nail on the head for over a year now. Plus Prozac.

My mom also benefits from being in a highly structured environment with very little interaction with groups, activities, and other people who aren't performing a care task for her.

I can't be her hands-on care giver because I am the last person on the planet she will believe, cooperate for, or not chew on 24/7/365. She's much better (comparatively) for other people in medical uniforms. The costume = credibility to her as she had a history of hypochondria and hopping from doctor to doctor and Rx to Rx my whole life. It was really her untreated mental illness at the root, but polite people didn't have that, discuss that, or get treated for it at that point in time.

I just found this site. I have been taking full time care of my Mom with vascular dementia for 14 months now. I have 4 sisters and only one comes to give me a week break every other month. As a nurse I was alway inclined to believe the personality change seen in dementia patients was not their true personality. But now my thoughts have changed. Their suppressed personality comes out versus their social personality in public. Everyone has a different personality than what they portray in the public eye. As a daughter, I've seen my Moms nasty, back stabbing trait growing up but was one of the few who witnessed it. Even now in end stage when I take her to church, my how she changes tunes. Sweet little lady is back. Most people can and do suppress their anger but will the filters are damaged they come out.

I have to agree about ALZ, at least. My husband's personality is very similar to his original one. He finds it hard to trust, is slow to warm up, and LOVES to be waited on! Fortunately his anxiety has lessened since he had to earn a living, and the sweet happy little boy part comes out to play more. He is taking such pleasure in hating Donald Trump!

Thank you....I have felt this exact way and I feel guilty about it...I have to think it is the dementia. I feel like I breath to make her happy but no matter what I do she is not happy. Thank you for saying what I have been thinking.