Speaking as a nurse here, the violent tendenciy is most likely cause by the dementia. People with dementia go through various "stages" and violent or anti-social behavior is often one of them. There is no medication that takes this away, other than to drug them so that they are sedated and do not have the energy to "act out." This is what many nursing homes have to do just so the patients are manageable for staff.....usually they just put them on a low-dose of Ativan to prevent the acting-out behavior.
It does not matter the reason....if grandma is truly violent, then for everyone's safety, she CANNOT continue to live at your house.
Spollard, I just read your added details from the second thread you started. I am answering here because of Crowe's suggestion to keep all the answers on this thread. Do you have your grandmother under a doctor's care? Can the doctor assist you in working all this out? You need to talk to a professional who can advise and guide you. You can also call or go to your local Council on Aging for advice. Also look around on this site for help and ideas. There is a lot of information contained on this website....you just have to find and click on the right topics and titles.
fellow caregivers, spollard is having a tough time navigating how to communicate on this site. If you go to spollard's profile, you will find links to posts that give further information. For example about two hours ago they created a new thread which answers many of the questions we have already asked.
spollard's new post: https://www.agingcare.com/143629 "i posted a question about my husbands grandmother and my kids because of the amount of lettering allowed it sounded different than it was:'
Get her OUT. You are not obligated to take care of your husband's grandmother. Your children are in danger. If you do not remove her from your house, you could be charged with endangering the welfare of your own children (or worse) by allowing a violent person to be in the same house with them. This goes way beyond a domestic matter. It is a criminal matter now.
What exactly is grandma doing/saying? What are the ages of everyone in the household? Is there a pattern to it? What medications is she on? Substance abuse? What are the relationships within the house between gram, her grandson, the DIL and the kids? Where is grandma's daughter or son (spollard's in laws)? Who's owns the house?
I'm not discounting violence. But it's one thing if gramma mutters that the kids don't look like anyone in HER family as opposed to throwing the glass baby food jar at a toddler because it's taking too long to eat. Immediate removal is needed for scenario # 2.
Leaving the house isn't always the answer - she could find herself viewed as abandoning the family home and SOL in getting her share of equity out of it if there is a divorce also problems in taking the kids without the other parents permission.
How old are the children? Are they old enough to provoke her or torment her into anger.? I am not defending her however we have all known some children who can be somewhat annoying... My own sister often tormented our Grandma who lived with us... I would say if she is mean and nasty with the kids she cannot stay there... There are other options. Your children (no matter their age) need to feel safe in their home... Is it possible that she needs to be reevaluated and maybe some medication changes? take care I am sure this is a hard situation.
You need to get her out of your home right now! Your first priority is the safety of you and your children and should be your husband's priority as well. All of the suggestions others have posted here are good, but don't wait , take action *now*.
Second, find a notebook and start writing down all the incidents and "who said what", "who did what" with date & time. You will need this for anything legal that will come up and at some point it will.
(I've found the police just hate dealing with "domestic" as it is a he said/she said and in the end no one will file charges and a load of paperwork that goes into a file till the next call - so having a clear history, will help you support your "case" to have her placed in a facility.)
Third, calmly go over this with your husband. And let him know that mom needs to be somewhere where she can be taken care of with more attention to her needs. If he won't do it, then let him know that you will contact the police (most departments will have either a social worker on staff OR have a contact at a local hospital for the psychiatric admits) to have her charged and admitted for psych review.
It won't be pretty.
It could well be that she has always been this way (abusive, demeaning, just plain mad & ugly) and for him, the way she is acting is perhaps the way she is and he doesn't view it as really abnormal.
Are you an at-home mom and he is out working during the day? He might not "see" what is happening as it is mainly on your watch. It's a rare MIL who finds her DIL to be a terrific person (no one is good enough for my little prince), so she may be trying to manipulate him to her "side". With dementia anything is possible. My mom see's silent, nonthreating cats and an occasional rabbit - really, truly.
Anne 123 is right on target. Your first priority is needs to be you and your children. If something happens and you have continued to let her be at your home - being violent, you could find you will be the one being charged with endangerment. She has an "out" as she has dementia and not responsible for what she says or does, she could blame you.
My heart goes out to you. We'll include you in our prayers at dinner tonite.
You DO NOT need to put up with this. Your children (and you) need to be safe. You need to take strong action here and right away.....consider the suggestions by the others here.
have her arrested for child abuse in the morning or you could find yourself in trouble because she could say that you or your husband was violent with your children. If she threatens their life or her violence is life threatening, then call 911 immediately and have her taken to the hospital for a complete physiological and psychological evaluation. Why on earth did your husband bring that woman into your home? Didn't he already know she was violent or did he naively think she would change?
It does not matter the reason....if grandma is truly violent, then for everyone's safety, she CANNOT continue to live at your house.
spollard's new post: https://www.agingcare.com/143629
"i posted a question about my husbands grandmother and my kids because of the amount of lettering allowed it sounded different than it was:'
What exactly is grandma doing/saying?
What are the ages of everyone in the household?
Is there a pattern to it?
What medications is she on? Substance abuse?
What are the relationships within the house between gram,
her grandson, the DIL and the kids?
Where is grandma's daughter or son (spollard's in laws)?
Who's owns the house?
I'm not discounting violence.
But it's one thing if gramma mutters that the kids don't look like anyone in HER family as opposed to throwing the glass baby food jar at a toddler because it's taking too long to eat. Immediate removal is needed for scenario # 2.
Leaving the house isn't always the answer - she could find herself viewed as abandoning the family home and SOL in
getting her share of equity out of it if there is a divorce also
problems in taking the kids without the other parents permission.
Second, find a notebook and start writing down all the incidents and "who said what", "who did what" with date & time. You will need this for anything legal that will come up and at some point it will.
(I've found the police just hate dealing with "domestic" as it
is a he said/she said and in the end no one will file charges
and a load of paperwork that goes into a file till the next call -
so having a clear history, will help you support your "case"
to have her placed in a facility.)
Third, calmly go over this with your husband. And let him know that mom needs to be somewhere where she can be taken care of with more attention to her needs. If he won't do it, then let him know that you will contact the police (most departments will have either a social worker on staff OR have a contact at a local hospital for the psychiatric admits) to have her charged
and admitted for psych review.
It won't be pretty.
It could well be that she has always been this way (abusive, demeaning, just plain mad & ugly) and for him, the way she is
acting is perhaps the way she is and he doesn't view it as really abnormal.
Are you an at-home mom and he is out working during the day? He might not "see" what is happening as it is mainly on
your watch. It's a rare MIL who finds her DIL to be a terrific person (no one is good enough for my little prince), so she may be trying to manipulate him to her "side". With dementia anything is possible. My mom see's silent, nonthreating cats and an occasional rabbit - really, truly.
Anne 123 is right on target.
Your first priority is needs to be you and your children. If
something happens and you have continued to let her be at your home - being violent, you could find you will be the one
being charged with endangerment. She has an "out" as
she has dementia and not responsible for what she says or does, she could blame you.
My heart goes out to you. We'll include you in our prayers at dinner tonite.