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I have moved in in my final year of University at the age of 23 to help my mother after her heart attack financially by paying rent and food for the two of us. Before this time I have lived independently for over 3 years. Since university, I moved to a different town with her 5 years ago where I found permanent post university employment. This allowed me to pay for all bills for a 3 bed house, rent and food etc and the annual trip to the country we are from. My mother has my father's pension (post death thing) and eligible for her own too bit spend it on items not necessary but expects others to pay for winter clothing or even underwear etc.


I have 3 siblings over the age of 40, both in old and new country but not willing to take her in.


2.5 years ago met my husband who moved in after our engagement. My mother resented him from day 1 as this resulted in her having to dress up in the house and not run around half naked & once my husband requesting her to clean up after her dog, her bedroom and allow us to have quiet time after 6pm (when I get home from work so I can study for exams as she would not listen to my plea). Which I tried to achieve for years.


This resulted in never ending resentment from her and constant nastyness in our language which my husband understands partially.


She is putting pressure on our marriage by being non stop nasty to my husband who up until recently was always trying to make her happy and include her in our little new family.


Nowdays, I am tired of cleaning a house full of her furniture (many of them so bad in condition but not allowed to get rid off or replaced due to EVERYTHING HAVING EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE TO HER) that makes cleaning and looking after the house a nightmare. I pay for the rent of a house where I cannot decorate or even reorganise it to fit our needs. Moved the dining table and one of her furniture to make more space... resulted in her screaming for days on how we destroyed her design.


Her constant bickering and comparing my muslim good hearted husband to my alcoholic and abusive dead father -which I prefer to block out of my memory, makes me want to just send her home for her annual visit, pack up the house in two - her and our belongings- and just move & drop her stuff on my sibling's doorstep. But worried she will be left to become homeless as noone want to deal with her but I have come to my end and start focusing on what is important to me /us as a couple rather than constantly taking sh*t for doing the right thing.


Please advise.

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LostAndTired90, thank you for giving us an up-date. We are always curious how things are working out. You and your hubby's relationship sounds wonderful :)
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Reply to freqflyer
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Sounds like you have it worked out. I hope you stick to your plans. When will you tell sister that mom is moving in?
Let us know how it works out.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Thank you for your answers. Just a few things to clear up. I rent the property since we moved for my job 5 years ago.
She owns nothing here. She stopped working and refuses to find a new job since her last heart attack. She is 65 this year. She has worked for about 40 years but her pension would not be enough to rent in the UK anything if she would be on her own.

My husband is from Asia and I am from Central Europe. We know our culture differs in some aspects but mostly very similar and we work well as a team& couple. The reason why I highlighted he is Muslim is that he does not drink or smoke... but she compares him to my alcoholic dead father non stop.

She seems to be pi$$ed about it, if we go out then she resents us for spending money / doing something she doesnt. She gets her own and dad's (widow) pension. Pays no bills other than the bag of her coffee once a month. But still we are the bad ones.

She is currently on her holidays which we had to pay for just to have a few weeks of peace... my husband and I have had no arguments other than what should we have for dinner... :D

We have made the decision that in a few months time when she will go once again back for xmas... she will be left with sister and we move. I have to give notice for the landlords and sort out where we buy next (dont want to rent anymore) prior taking the steps.

Thank you for your comments.
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Reply to LostAndTired90
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LostAndTired90, may I ask how old is your Mother? I am trying to do the math since you have sisters over 40, so is Mom in her early 70's? She is still young enough to be doing things on her own.

Did your Mom ever worked outside of the home, thus had her own spending money? If not, the household money came from the husband, and Mom could buy whatever she wanted. A habit she continues to want but with using your money.

I remember my Mom wasn't a happy camper when I had to move my Dad's recliner to the other side of the living room to give him a shorter path to the powder room as he was recovering from a heart attack and could barely walk. It was the first time I ever raised my voice to my Mom, I had said "It's not all about you".

Sounds like your Mom is jealous that your hubby is taking time away that you should be spending with her. That's normal. One has to remember there is this adult/child dynamics that happens when a parents and grown child once again live under the same roof. Mom returns to being the adult, and you return to be the child in her eyes. Her way is always the best... [sigh].
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Reply to freqflyer
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If you are, as your husband is, Muslim, then you come from another culture; traditions vary culturally. It you are from another another culture, I am afraid that what I say from the perspective of our own won't match and may not help, but the truth is, as I see it, you now have a choice. Your husband, your own family unit and hopefully children in future, depends on that choice. It is time to make a decision. To my mind the choice is easy. I don't "do" abuse. So I would be gone, and my husband with me. I would attempt to be nearby so that I could visit, being then able to walk out the door when things turn abusive, but I would not stay. This may or not make it necessary for your Mom to seek assisted living situation. You do not say if she was completely disabled by her heart attack. Make it gently clear that you must now move for the sake of your husband and your own family. That you appreciate having been with her and that you were able to help one another, she with room and you with care. That you love her, but you must now act in the interest of your own primary family. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope you will not be shunned in your community for this decision. I hope you will update us.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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What she is doing to you and your husband is immoral and selfish and damaging. Do you live in a house that she owns or rents? If she owns it, it will be trickier to move out while she is gone for her annual visit but that would be a great opportunity to move out with the minimum of drama from her. How is her command of English? Even if she is quite elderly and even if she doesn't speak enough English it is an unhealthy situation for you and your husband and will only get worse.

I would take the opportunity to send her back for her annual visit, put her junky furniture in storage (if the house is rented) and purchase her only a 1-way ticket. You will need to figure out how to find her affordable housing or assisted living (which I understand may be counter to your heritage culture, as it is in mine), Medicare or Medicaid, etc. unless she decides to stay in old country, but I doubt she will. You will get a lot of anger from your older siblings but they're not the ones caring and supporting her so just keep repeating that you are no longer able to care for her personally and support her financially. Don't let them bully you...they will get over it eventually,

Also, you need to consider (depending on her age) that she may be having cognitive decline and her nastiness could be a symptom of that (read other posts at this site about nasty treatment by LOs). Does she ever go to the doctor? That would also be a good opportunity to accompany her and slip the doctor a note to perform a cognitive assessment because of her symptoms and also for a urinary tract infection (which can cause dementia-like symptoms in the elderly. Nonetheless there is no other path forward but to separate. Wishing you success in this difficult situation.
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Reply to Geaton777
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So she had a heart attack, that was 6 years ago. All kinds of people with disabilities and limiting health conditions live independent lives, why isn't she? People on here are often told you can't be a doormat unless you lie down, so get up!
On a practical note, what is missing that prohibits your mother from living independently? Your road to freedom means finding solutions to those barriers.

BTW, my mom had several severe heart attacks when I was still in high school, back in the days when coronary bypass surgery was new and experimental. She lived alone after being widowed at the age of 75 and died last fall at the age of 99.
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Reply to cwillie
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