Follow
Share

My sister 77Yrs old is threating to file abuse charges against my son and me. We took care of her for three and 1/2 months and would still be with her except she became angry and kicked us out of her life. She insisted on giving my son money for a car when his truck became un-drivable, I told her no that is not your problem she kept insisting, I wanted at least to have her two sons involved in this but she was very adamant that it was her money and none of their business, between my son and myself, we worked day and night for about six weeks getting her to a point she was strong enough to help herself more. She is a very large person at first was incontinent, unable to turn herself, we used a lift to get her in and out of bed, we kept her cleaned up I handled getting home health people in for her, my son stayed with her at night changed diapers, cooked her dinner and in the AM made sure she was cleaned up had her meds and light breakfast before he left for work. After he left a hired caregiver would come in for the daytime. all of this I would do on the weekend, except there was no outside help. I also paid bills for her and tried to help her manage money but she continually let me know she would do as she pleased with her money. I received no pay and did not want any, she was quite insistent my son deserved what she had done because he did so much for her. Now that she has changed her mind is it possible for her to sue or file charges I am concerned but do not feel any wrong was done to her.
I do hope this is not the normal way Elderlies thank people that have no intention except to love and help them.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Thanks and you are right, even though I would love to have a good relationship with my sister in her last days, I look @ this as a blessing in disquise, I know now we both put oursleves at risk of somthing ugly happening and trying to defend ourselves against law protecting the Elderly. Witch of course is a needed law, they do need to be protected. I guess mpore than anything this post would serve as a warning to any caregiver no mater the relation be very careful and document everything.If in doubt about somthing get legal advise.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This comment may sound harsh to some, but I am glad y'all no longer are in that situation. If it went that bad that quickly it was not apt to get any better. Neither you or your son need that kind of hassle. AND, your son definately does not need the added stress of fighting the advances of an elderly aunt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks all for answers, to answer a few question, she kicked everyone out because she got very angry when my son and I went christmas shoping one evening and began to text him very ugly messages, we did not take her due to not having much time and it is alot to get her in and out going to differant stores, she is in a wheel chair. She was angry because he didn't take her shopping; other problem he had been dealing with for about 3 weeks she was insistant he give her more affection when he explaind to her you are my aunt I don't see you that way she would get mad say you just like my granddaughter better than me. She was definatly coming on to him he and myself were very concerned about this behavior. She is quite competent, even tho it may not sound like it. She did admit to her son later that she was hitting on my son.
I am really not loosing any sleep over her threat to sue because I strongly feel she was not wronged. My son and I would have been there for her for the duration If she would have alowed it. more than anything I feel it is sad to think how vonerable anyone is, being accused of wrong doing to an elderly family member when they are truly just trying to help that person stay out of a nursing home. I had searched and found a caregiver for her in the daytime hours, about 2 weeks after she ran my son and I out of her life she got rid of the caregiver, now has no one to stay with her, last friday she when back in the nursing home. There is no written documintation about the car being a gift but she did tell her 2 sons and two of her grandchildren that it was a gift. the gift was not alot of of money, would not even be an even exchange for 4 months of care my son gave her even if based on min. wage. not to mention myself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sure she CAN sue, the question is if she will win or not. Do you have any proof or documentation saying that she gave it to you as a gift? It will come down to proof or who has the more correct or convincing story....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Dr Phil is not the ultimate source of what should or should not be done. But, I seriously doubt that Dr. Phil would suggest that any person give up their life to care for another almost non-stop, except when at their job, for no pay. He is constantly saying he considers his time to be valuable and I doubt he feels anyone else's time is less so. 'Nuff said about Dr. Phil.
In the immediate case I would suggest waiting the sister/aunt out to see what she ultimately does, if anything. Meanwhile, you and your son need to separately sit down and document, to the best of your ability, what was said by each person and when it was said. Anything you have that might document her intentions needs to be preserved. As others said, I doubt she does anything. I imagine any attorney she might contact is going to explain how expensive such a suit would be and the less than likely favorable results, especially if she did not make arrangements to compensate y'all for your work. That is said with the assumption that the amount of the gifts was not great. If the amount of the gift was excessive, she would probably have a bigger chance of winning such a suit.
Finally, there are a lot of people on here that have quit work and have given up their lives to care for relatives. I do not think that any of us are in any position to tell them they cannot be compensated for their work. It is none of our business. That is for them and their families to work out. I especially feel this is true if one of several children are stepping up and any remainder estate will be split with children who are only there holding their hands out. In no way am I suggesting the parent should be left penniless, but neither do I think a dutiful child should have to live in poverty when they are elderly because they were the one who stepped up when their parent needed help.
Off my soapbox now.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

From what I have read on here, it is safest and best to reimburse yourself for care-related expenses that are strictly legitimate. Otherwise, there can be penalties for "gifting" - we might have incurred one for spending some of Mom's money to modify a vehicle we owned to transport her, though it would not have been huge, and I might have offset it with documentations of other expenses we had on her behalf. But it is sadly common for folks with vascular dementia to get paranoid, not remember details real well, and think they have been cheated when they have not been. Even though you would think they would know who has their best interests at heart and that loved ones would not suddenly turn on them or completely reverse from good character and trustworthy to a thief, sometimes they find this easier to believe than to realize that their judgment and memory is off as badly as it may be. Sorry you are going through this.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Confused about how Dr. Phil got into this....... stop losing sleep- wait till your sister files and THEN hire an attorney. Every state is different so there is no one size fits all for this situation. Or be proactive and hire an attorney and tell your sister to send her complaint to him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There are two ways to look at this. With a caregivers contract, which I had, I got paid from my moms money for her 24/7 caregiving and she lives with me. At first I refused to take any money and didn't for over a year, but the the siblings started asking me for her money, which was a small amount and I had to see if I was allowed to do that. It was time for a lawyer to settle things the right way. The lawyer said to look at it as the siblings inheritence, not your parent's money. If you take care of your parent for free, pay the higher heating bills, food, diapers, bedpads, clothing, medications, etc... and then Mom dies and there is still $50,000 left, each sibling gets their 1/2 or 1/3 or 1/4 depending on how many siblings there are. Now is that fair after you paid and did all the caregiving? (or left your job?) Fortunately my Mom has outlived her money. Once Mom's money ran out almost 3 years ago, I have now paid it all back for her needs. If Mom had passed, the siblings who never help would have gotten their share for doing nothing, now they will get what they deserve which is nothing. We all get nothing but Mom gets the best care ever, thats all that matters. I will continue to take care of my 90+ Mom until her last day even if she lives to over 100, which she might at this rate, lol. Hope this helps someone out. So when in doubt, go talk to a lawyer, their first session is usually free and you will gain a lot of knowledge to ease your mind. Maybe your son got a car, but you won't get anything in the future, no one knows.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

get serious to whoever commmented that they hope dr phil wasn't my only resourse. I am a caregiver...I know the challenges and more. Dr. Phil's philosophy was shared which i hold on to. The age of the recipient of money does not matter. Something was wrong with my mom's mind some years ago and she was willing to buy a new car for me...I declined... need i say more. As she progressed in age so did her disease, Alzheiemer's and she needed every penny of her money. Elders often feel very generous without thinking of consequences of "giving away" money. Draw up a fair and equitable caregiving contract with an hourly wage identified. I'll bet the 77 year old's net worth is small....I share Dr.Phil's philosophy and would never take money from my mother gift or not as mom herself needs it for her care and her needs.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hi RhondaElder, I was wondering why she became angry and kicked you guys out of her life. It might give an idea as to where her mindset is. I am wondering if it is not about the money - that she probably knows was a gift- but about something eles that she feels upset by and can that be resolved so that your relationships can be salvaged and courts can be left out of it. Just a thought. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like she is just going on a wild goose chase for whatever reasons. It will burn itself out. If you are taking care of a person you are entitled to be reimbursed for your effort. Dr. Phil - I cannot even go into that - he can talk to me after he has taken care of his Mother or Father.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

On the same lines as this - my mother suffered a stroke and I have POA and the trustee of her trust. I have a brother that couldn't care less about my mother - however he has a wife that cares about her money quite a bit. She is not in the trust - nor is my husband. We have spent the last 4 months running down to where she is (3 hours) purchasing things she needs, getting her set up in assisted living, then having to move her, I am paying her bills and managing the two properties as well as her home. My lawyer said that I can pay myself - and I had another person say she pays herself $1500 a month. Is this typical and if not - what is. I don't want to take advantage - but I spend (as well as my husband) a lot of time going back and forth - staying for a week plus etc. Don't want my brother to be convinced to sue later on. I lalso have hardly worked in 3 months due to this...Thank you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There is a point, especially in today's economy that "being noble" has a limit. Unless you feel compelled to repay something -- a good deed or tangible item -- then there comes a point where you are being exploited.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I doubt any lawyer will take her case. In the future, as I did, when money was insistently offered, I had her in the presence of a lawyer and his assistant sign a document. Dont hire a lawyer until you receive papers which I doubt will ever come.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

momhouseme, Dr. Phil is not the person sacrificing his life for anyone. I hope his show is not your only resource for information. It is true that once the money is gone, it is gone. If these caregivers are spending their money, time, energy and efforts on care for this person, it shouldn't be that difficult to understand that the money for the car was a gift or payement for services as opposed to exploitation. They are not living in a vacumn. If the afflicted sister is 77, how young do you think her nephew is?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

how does one prove the money was a "gift"...elders can be exploited such that they are not all there t determine the consequences of giving significant monies away..dr phil pointed out that a senior has no way to re coup the money given away and once it is gone it is gone; money that could be used to their care....if she was so insistent on the car, she could have left said money to your son in her will...

a young person , per dr phil, has years and years to build his/her nest egg whereas an elder does not...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Anyone can sue anybody, anytime for anything. It will cost money and take an emotional toll. My mom was threatening to sue my sister and I, daily. It didn't come to fruition, but it sure hurt our feelings. My mom's doctor prescribed a very low dose of Abilify and her anger and paranoia subsided. If she sues you , do not ignore it. Get an attorney.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

no she can filed a suit but she will lose, a gift is a gift and you and your son can back each other up on that is she does file suit but I wouldn't worry as she will not win this suit, will keep you in my prayers
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.