When our elderly parents can't care for themselves, should they be forced to move into an aged care center?

Bast, I'm not sure where you live, but you very much are a survivor and need therapy to heal. Can you find a psychiatrist to guide you, perhaps your back doctor could help you find one? Medication might be a fist step and then some talk therapy. As Jeanne says, you would greatly benefit from some professional guidance right now.

One of the nurses doing tests on me - she told me to tell my specialist/surgeon about the abuse my parents did to me - that way he will understand and no longer be cross with me for letting things get this bad and then expecting to be fixed up. Also, I had a lot of well-meaning friends telling me not to go to a doctor with my back and leg pains but just to think positively. I wish I never listened to them. I realise now they just wanted me to be available to my elderly mother - to the extent of neglecting my own health.

It is terrible to think that lots of children who are caring for their parents end up dying before their parents. THat is terrible

There used to be lots of announcements on TV and radio - report abuse to your doctor or someone of importance.

bast1965, tell a therapist who is trained to help you deal with your feelings. Let the therapist help you decide who you should tell what to.

I probably should tell my specialist, all my friends have told me not to, but I think I should - might make my dear specialist's job of fixing me a little easier - but my friends have told me it could work against me and my specialist might wash his hands of me.

I don't know that terror would cause the neurofibromas or disc herniations, but the latter could be caused by doing too much, I think.

No, under no circumstances would you have to look after your mother, Your health - mental and physical des not allow for that. You have to look after yourself.

I don't know that you can ever put that kind of abuse completely behind you, though I wish you could. What you can do is get therapy to help you make good choices from now on and help you deal with the memories of the past. I would tell your specialist and any other medical person who treats you about the abuse. I am sure it had affected your health in more ways than one.

Your doctor said that your mother had a right to abuse you? He was wrong and should be reported. How were you forced to be her sole caregiver? I guess you were under her control then.

I'm glad that your mother is in a nursing home and I hope you will take care of you which it sounds like you would benefit from talking with a therapist.

I was living in terror - twelve years - no wonder I have all these neurofibromas in my spine as well as disc herniations. I did tell my then doctor about it, after dad died, but my then doctor said my widowed mother had a right to abuse me.

My dear specialist is very cross with me for letting my back get this bad and then expect to get fixed. I said I had no choice as I was forced to be mum's sole carer. He then said, well who will look after your mum if you go into hospital for surgery? I told him mum is in a permanent nursing home.

It scares me to think - if mum were still home - I would have to go without my treatment and surgery just to look after mum - in spite of fact I can't look after myself properly.

As for the abuse my parents dished out to me - I wish I could put it behind me.

Next time my specialist gets cross I've let things get this bad, I'll just have to tell him everything I've told you here

(((((((bast))))))) dear soul - you have been severely abused. Whatever your parents said, a loving God never expects that kind of thing from you, nor wants you treated that way.. I am so very sorry for the abuse you experienced. I can see that you lived in terror. I am glad that you are not experiencing that any more. Hope you have been able to have some counselling to help you heal and whatever medical procedures you need.

I don't know what to say. These are criminal offences you're describing. I suppose at the time, under their influence, you couldn't see it that way?

Looking back, I wish I stood up for my rights and looked after myself and went to the doctor with my back and sciatic nerve before things got this bad. I wish I had whatever surgery/treatment were necessary and left mum to get help or stew in her own juice.

But, my parents were fundamentalist christians and did an excellent job of brainwashing me to the extent that I was truly terrified that if I took time out for my own medical needs, God would be very angry with me and punish me.

Also, when I was in my mid 30's, my late father gave me a thrashing as a punishment for standing up to myself.

I was terrified that if I went into hospital for surgery, I would be sent home from hospital to a demanding mother who would force me to do heavy shopping etc - one of many things that you don't do for six weeks minimum after surgery.

In 2001, when my late father was still here - i went into hospital for life-saving hysterectomy - I was only home from hospital for two days - still had my stitches in, but mum and dad tried to force me to pick up heavy brooms and shovels to help them in the garden.

In 2002 when I was only home from hospital for two weeks following spinal surgery, mum stood over me and FORCED me to bring in the heavy rubbish bins from the curb, up the lane and into the back yard. And in 2003, my late father threatened me with another thrashing as punishment for standing up for my rights to look after myself.

(((((bast)))) cm has a point. The problem is that those if us with - shall we say it nicely - demanding mothers - have been essentially brain washed into being servants and it takes a while to stand up to the pressure and look after ourselves. I am 77 and still learning, as mother is a healthy 102 yr old and this can go on for a while yet. I never did nor would take her into my home or live with her to care for her, but the stress of even distance caregiving has taken a toll on my health.

It is sad that we have to learn the hard way. I would not say I was forced, but that I made some choices that were not in my own self interest. Did mother pressure me - definitely. Fortunately I was able to resist some of it.

Hope you can concentrate on you now, and your health improves.

I understand. It's that 20:20 hindsight thing, isn't it - you only know what you should have done once you've already done something else… Bast, I hope you find treatments that will really help. Best of luck.

Countrymouse, I agree with everything you've said. Nobody can be forced to take care of someone else. And if you are going to give up much of your own life for the sake of someone else, at the very least recognize it was a decision and take credit for it.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have sought medical help for my back three years ago before things got this bad, had whatever operation I needed and left mum to accept outside help or stew in her own juice

Oh, Bast, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you've been through this, I'm sorry you were so exploited, I'm sorry that you're suffering poor health as a consequence.

But. There's a but. Your mother was selfish to insist that you care for her, and to refuse help from anyone else. I agree. But how, how, did she force you?

I'm not taking issue with your own particular situation, because you were there and I wasn't and I've no business to comment. I'm thinking about other people reading who feel under the same pressure as you but perhaps haven't yet committed themselves to being full-time caregivers. And the the point I'm making is that there are two sides to this coin. On the one side there's a selfish, manipulative, exploitative person making demands. But on the other there has to be somebody saying "yes" for it to happen.

You can say no. It's not easy, but it can be done. We have to make our own choices, not just comply with someone else's.

I was forced to be sole carer to a demented mother for five years before she was finally hospitalized and then put in permanent high care.

All those years have taken its toll and I'm still not yet fifty. As a result, I have lots of bulging discs in my lumbar spine along with a recurrence of neurofibromatosis. My left foot is paralyzed, my left leg is getting weaker and my specialist has ordered me to use a walking frame.

All this has happened to me because my mother was too selfish to accept any help from anyone but me.

It is just so hard to say ***NO*** to one's parents about future care. I am hoping my parents don't assume I will move out of my home and into theirs. My parents, who are in their mid-90's are still independent in their own single family home, but heavens knows what next month might bring as my parents are slowing down faster and faster.

What really irks me is that my parents can easily afford the most luxury of retirement communities but they don't want to part with one thin dime.... so instead, I have to deal with all the stress of them being in their home, worrying myself sick because of all the stairs, all the cleaning, all the yard work, and them no longer driving.

This evening, after work, I plan to leave off with my parents a booklet about a wonderful retirement community that is in our area. It's pricey but it is like living in a 5 star hotel. No more taking time off from work for me to take my parents to a doctor for a minor ache or pain as the place has board certified MD's... or go to the barber every other month as the place has a barber and salon.... or go to the bank as there is a branch on site... or take Mom to Hallmark for a card she needs right away as there is a gift shop on site that sells cards.... and my parents can finally get back to going to Sunday Mass as the place has transportation to church. Wonderful walking paths, ponds, indoor pool, and people they can talk to.... right now they only have each other to talk to or to me, or an occasional neighbor.

I hope Dad can convince Mom it is time to move to an easier place, a safer place. I know Moms don't like leaving their nest that they worked so hard to create.

I had a customer come in today who is caregiving for her sick mother. The woman is only about 30 if that. She is the youngest child, works full time. Her father is 55 years old and still working. The daughter takes care of the mother, cooks, grocery shops, and manages the house. Her elder brother will not help out at all. He lords it over her that he is the eldest, yet her father named her as the executor of the their estate. Here she is at this young age, trying to establish a career for her livelihood, set up a possible pension for her own old age, caregiving for her mother, and dealing with a brother who does nothing but complain about what she is doing. This is not the life parents should impose on their children as adults. I understand that things happen, but why is it that one child (usually the female child) has to give up their life...no hope of a marriage if that is wanted, no hope of having what their siblings get. I just don't get it.

I still think that when our parents can't manage on their own anymore, then and only then, should they be forced into care. I think it is extremely selfish for parents to demand their daughter be their sole carer. Why should the daughter be forced to ruin and shorten her health and life just because her mother is too selfish to accept any help from anyone but her.

"Should" is the ideal according to the person opining. My should is different than your should based on our particular values.
I believe adults "should" be responsible living and caring in raising their children. They should raise them to be contributing members of society and should plan for their own retirement, unfortunately, SS may be falling short.
Strong capable adult children can and should help their parents, with each case being different, there is no "should" there are only choices.

No I do not believe I should be forced into a retirement community....I shudder to think.

I think that whatever dysfunctionalities or issues YOUR family had, you should not generalize to say "our". I believe I should plan for my elder years, and yes we do have and need a safety net for the most needy whether they have adult children or not. Nobody can or is forced to take care of their parents, it is a personal decision wrought with reward, guilt and karma.

I think you should make the decisions which are right for you. I think you should not make this a "we" issue. Whatever decisions we as parents and adult "children" need to accept our own consequences.

Any time someone says to me that my parents took care of me when I was young and drove me everywhere I needed to go, I found a good comeback answer to that.... yes, that is true, BUT my parents weren't in their late 60's or early 70's when I was a child, BIG DIFFERENCE.

I believe one's parents should be in a retirement village to be around people of their generation so they have others to talk to about life experiences, and in a safe place. And to be cared for by *licensed trained caregivers/nurses*. These caregivers/nurses work in 3 shifts and if the caregivers/nurse is sick or on vacation, there is someone else to fill that shift. If you become the untrained caregiver you work ALL 3 shifts with no time off, and no one to fill in for you if you are sick or want a vacation day.

Yes, our parents gave birth to us and they raised us and loved us and took care of us from the time we were born well into our teens. Many people use this example as their reason to care for their parents in their old age, and that's their choice. No judgement here.

However, our parents, back when they were younger, opted to start a family. They got married and had kids because that's what you do. They were handled a tiny little bundle of joy wrapped in a blanket and this little bundle had no formed personality, no life experiences, and this little bundle was not out of its mind from dementia. The little bundle didn't have leg ulcers from diabetes and when we changed this little bundle's diapers we could roll it over lickety split in order to change the diaper. Until it was time to potty-train. Our elders can't be potty-trained.

Caring for our parents because they cared for us is not an even, accurate comparison in my opinion. If our little bundles got sick we took them to the Dr. If our elderly parent gets sick they refuse to see a Dr. and we worry and fret over what to do. Our little bundles grow like weeds and we take extreme pleasure in seeing them reach important milestones such as the first time they roll over, their first step, their first Christmas. They continue to grow and develop and we take such pride in watching them evolve into an actual person. But with our elderly parents the process is reversed. We see them lose parts of themselves day by day as they decline. It breaks our hearts.

Our parents didn't take care of us out of obligation. They wanted us. They wanted to raise children. They got a lot of joy out of seeing us grow and learn. Caring for elderly parents is the exact opposite of this. More often than not they become a demented husk of a human being who is unable to feed themselves, toilet themselves and maybe verbalize what they need or want. They don't become like babies because babies are beautiful and joyful and positive. Our elderly parents are anything but.

I don't begrudge anyone who wants to care for their elderly parent because that parent raised them. More power to that person. But I've cared for a baby and I've cared for my parents and I'll take caring for a baby over caring for an elderly parent any day.

I must say, there is a period with a parent/loved one who has dementia/Alzheimer's where they are not yet mentally incompetent nor are they of sound mind. You, if you are caregiving, must be very much on your toes to deal with this period until the patient progresses enough to be diagnosed as incompetent. My mother tried cancelling policies, was not paying regular bills on time, was obsessed with junk mail thinking she had to respond by buying extended warranties on a car she no long owned. Fortunately, we were able to stay one step ahead of her until we could get the diagnosis. It is a struggle going this phase, with my mother is was a period of about 6-8 months. BTW, my mom's DPOA was written as springing document...she had to be diagnosed as incompetent by a neurologist in order for us to spring it and have authority to make decisions for her.Her Elder Law Attorney worked with us once we had the diagnosis.

I meant it should not require the adult child who is providing 24/7 care.

I agree with Jeanne. I must also add that it should require the adult child who is providing 24/7 caregiving to go bankrupt and lose everything they have worked for such as their home, and retirement pensions. I know the federal government is cutting back on many social services, however, those of us who adult children who lose jobs, retirement and other assets to care for an aging parent...should not be part of the picture.

I think that we are facing brave new times and the "correct" way to handle this has yet to evolve. Never have we had such a long life expectancy. Never have we had such a large population of elders unable to care for themselves.

This needs to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. One size does not fit all.

In my view, adult children must continue to be responsible for their own support, now and for their own old age. They must continue to meet their family and social and work obligations. To the extent that they can do that and also participate in their parents' care, they should do so. This assumes a reasonably good relationship has existed -- I don't think that the same applies to dysfunctional, abusive families.

"Participate in their parents' care" can range from seeing to it that paid help is arranged, or a suitable care center is found, all the way to living with the parent and providing hands-on care. This is where the solution has to be customized. In my view, it should not include surrendering jobs or endangering the physical or mental health of the adult child.