How about taking some pictures of you and Dad together next time you visit, as testimony to the precious times you share. I have done so, and am blessed each and every time I see them and him. It'll be good for your heart, and will probably also bring joy to his!
The parent turns on you b/c of denial, dementia, or just being mean. I am there with you... I am the child that's here, the one that has made the decisions, including selling his house and now accused of taking his money... it's hard being POA and making decisions w/o support of siblings. I got the POA for my dad three years ago at the same time I had to get POA for my mother, who was dying of cancer and needed nursing home care.. little did I know then what I know now. Carol's mom, I am praying for you - you learn to let it (OR TRY TO) roll off of your back... I have to stare at a photo of my sibling when I go visit my dad in the nursing home! NO PHOTO of me anywhere - I put him there!GRRR!
Unfortunately in North Dakota there are some state laws that will not let me err on the side of caution, they want her to go to the place where she gets the LEAST amount of care necessary for her to manage. I suppose this is so Medicare will not have to pay for the nursing home. I think it will cost them more in the long run to have someone in a place where they are not totally safe and fall and break a hip or wander off or get hurt and end up in the nursing home or state mental hospital. I just have to let the court decide and I can't interfere or I will violate state laws.
I think it's too late for me already. The courts are taking over, at Mom's request, and will override all the good I've tried to do. I've already been told what to expect concerning Mom's estate and affairs, and the picture isn't pretty. Mother doesn't understand what I've tried to protect her from, thinking I was trying to take advantage of her. She doesn't know they can, too. They'll eat the rest of her estate with a court-appointed Guardian now, who told me she won't pay the taxes on Mom and Dad's house, etc. And if I even touch Mom's personal belongings, I'll be charged with stealing, no doubt. What a travesty of justice! Mom wants to "reward" her Pastor "friend" who is accusing me of emotional abuse, and thinks she "loves" her. Talk about undue influence!!! Mom always said she wanted everything to stay in the family, but now says she wants to sell some things and "give some money to her church." Major red flag warning!!! I also think the court will spend down her assets, and stick her in a nursing home, getting what her daughters could have had. They know we can't protect ourselves, especially with "charges" of "emotional abuse." I am the hated firstborn, who tells her doctors what she won't. With "abuse" charges, who will listen when we say she's not 100%, even if we have proof?
My husband and I have been hostages to her emotional manipulations, unreasonable expectations and increasing demands for years, now escalating to this. All because she denies she has or is the problem. So I think we are writing letters to the judge, documenting all our trials, and plead for mercy. Her lawyer has been very intimidating, and so have all her "friends," and even try entrapment? When it's an elder's word against yours, who will listen to a so-called "abuser"?
If any of you think this can't happen to you, better do your utmost to protect yourself, anyway. Anyone at anytime can say anything they want, and sometimes do. I neglected to see it coming, and didn't cover my self well enough. It may be too late for me, but a word to the wise. Thank you, dahliaseason.
absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very different cases. for the elderly parent who is clever and even manipulative, it is exasperating the rest of us trying to intervene for safety, health, etc.
my mom had a doctor that she adored because she could, she felt, charm him. the fact was, he didn't really care. he had little interest in my opinions. but was FAR more cautious when i started attending all appointments with her.
she now has a new doctor who is far more reasonable and cares enough to not fall for any manipulations. at this point she's too weary for it and has, somewhat learned her lesson given the former doctor over prescribed statins that nearly killed her and certainly increased her dementia.
all sorts of problems due to an aging, damaged brain can cause a person to do things that are unreasonable and unsafe.
however, the reasonable younger adults -the children/caregiver(s)- need to understand that denial is a huge part of dementia. the situation is frustrating for the elder who wants to continue with the same self control and independence they have, or believed themselves to have, always had.
i've had to serve as a continual advocate for my mom in every situation all the way. unreasonable, callous doctors, greedy financial advisors, opportunistic landlords, etc. i learned the hard way through my dad's behavior through alzheimers.
it's taken A LOT for my mom to be able to come to terms that she has to consider her safety. my father never got to that point.
her doctors know everything from me as well as her. i've gained her trust by limiting my criticisms. not easy. she gains my trust by listening to me. it's a whole new relationship. but it has taken years and lots of work and patience and constant attendance.
get the valuables in a safe deposit box. get them a senior i.d. and no more driving. don't engage in an argument. it took years for me to finally get power of attorney and it has caused a lot of problems down the line that could have been solved earlier. if you aren't persistent despite the criticisms of bossiness, etc. then the situation will get totally out of control before you know it. try try try to not take the criticisms personally. remember that their judgement is poor. that includes their judgement of you when you are trying to do the right thing. just keep doing the right thing and get help every step of the way. best of everything to you. i empathize completely.
What about the parent that can still "shop" doctors until she finds the one who tells her what she wants to hear, not knowing she's lying to them about her day to day habits, and lying about the crucial things they may need to know to make accurate assessment? They see a patient for a limited amount of time, while sitting in an office. A physician may not know their patient falls asleep with the oven on, and burns food. They may not know their patient loses things like their apartment keys or cell phone, never to be seen from again. They may not know this person has bouts of non-rational paranoia. This physician may not know about a recent black out episode at home, that would make it dangerous for them to obtain their driver's lisence, and that their patient purposely omitted it to keep from being found out. They may not know that this person's shopping and hoarding habits are way beyond control, which means they are not exercizing proper judgment. In my loved one's case, they may not know she leaves her apartment door open, with valuables inside, where there is no monitoring and she is not close by for hours at a time. A friend visited recently introduced herself, and asked to come in. Mom quickly admitted her, without one inkling of thought about her safety. My friend commented how vulnerable Mom is to let a practical stranger into her apartment so freely. How do we protect our loved ones who don't seem to know how to protect themselves, or exercise good judgment over their own affairs? It is alarming to those of us who are concerned, only to be told we're bossy and overcontrolling. When our elders lack judgment, this can be a serious issue of vulnerability for them. Why are we accused of overstepping our bounds when they seem to lack the basic concern for their own safety? Isn't it better to ere on the side of caution, than allow one to be taken unawares?
If you have the finances to support assisted living and can find a good place and she WANTS to go... by all means do it, especially given what you are going through.
She will get 24 hour care there. There will be people there to catch her falls and/or respond correctly when emergencies happen.
If there aren't then you need a different assisted living. These are the basics!
It sounds like your mom is having an enormous amount of emotional conflict with her aging.
She may be fairly realistic about her needs if she wants to go. Believe me, you will still have a lot of work on your hands advocating for her once she is there. But the nitty gritty of the caregiving will be off your hands and she won't be so aggressive with you. The 7 years you spent were not wasted. Caregiving is sooo stressful. If she is a wanderer and is getting extravagant with her/your financial resources, that HAS to be controlled.
A good assisted living facility can help you with that. But please get her in a good one. And communicate with them regularly. You shouldn't feel guilty about this if this is what she wants! You shouldn't feel guilty about anything.
Aging is filled with denial. It's hard for me to remember that my mom is in her eighties and is in a different phase. She has always been uhhh... willful... and it's hard to not resent that attitude now because one thinks, well you've always been like this. But her brain IS different now. And we are different as adults, as the responsible adults and have to let go of the resentment and take a certain amount of control as the responsible and capable adult.
Mine is that way too, she is really nice to me, then I discuss finances or try to explain why she is in the nursing home, why we can't bring her to church, taking her shopping, why she can't go to assisted living, etc and she turns on me. I do not know why she doesn't understand that she needs to have 24 hour care now, why she can't walk without her walker, why she has to go by the nursing home rules and restrictions. I spent 7 years taking care of her and now she has turned on both me and my sister and is taking us to court over having her in the nursing home. If she wins, then she gets to go to assisted living and I will feel terrible if something happens to her or if she falls again, I feel like that 7 years was wasted trying to take care of her and keep her safe. Maybe I was controlling her too much, but she was trying to do things like leave the apartment at night, falling down a lot, and trying to buy expensive things over the phone that she did not have money for.
That's a good question, Carol. I don't have a clue, but wonder, just like you. Trouble is, mine's been ugly since my birth. And now that I'm her Caregiver, she is uglier still. It breaks my heart, but doesn't seem to change hers in the least, except to make it harder and more set in stone.
pay for the nursing home. I think it will cost them more in the long run to have someone in a place where they are not totally safe and fall and break a hip or wander off or get hurt and end up in the nursing home or state mental hospital. I just have to let the court decide and I can't interfere or I will violate state laws.
My husband and I have been hostages to her emotional manipulations, unreasonable expectations and increasing demands for years, now escalating to this. All because she denies she has or is the problem. So I think we are writing letters to the judge, documenting all our trials, and plead for mercy. Her lawyer has been very intimidating, and so have all her "friends," and even try entrapment? When it's an elder's word against yours, who will listen to a so-called "abuser"?
If any of you think this can't happen to you, better do your utmost to protect yourself, anyway. Anyone at anytime can say anything they want, and sometimes do. I neglected to see it coming, and didn't cover my self well enough. It may be too late for me, but a word to the wise. Thank you, dahliaseason.
absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very different cases. for the elderly parent who is clever and even manipulative, it is exasperating the rest of us trying to intervene for safety, health, etc.
my mom had a doctor that she adored because she could, she felt, charm him. the fact was, he didn't really care. he had little interest in my opinions. but was FAR more cautious when i started attending all appointments with her.
she now has a new doctor who is far more reasonable and cares enough to not fall for any manipulations. at this point she's too weary for it and has, somewhat learned her lesson given the former doctor over prescribed statins that nearly killed her and certainly increased her dementia.
all sorts of problems due to an aging, damaged brain can cause a person to do things that are unreasonable and unsafe.
however, the reasonable younger adults -the children/caregiver(s)- need to understand that denial is a huge part of dementia. the situation is frustrating for the elder who wants to continue with the same self control and independence they have, or believed themselves to have, always had.
i've had to serve as a continual advocate for my mom in every situation all the way. unreasonable, callous doctors, greedy financial advisors, opportunistic landlords, etc. i learned the hard way through my dad's behavior through alzheimers.
it's taken A LOT for my mom to be able to come to terms that she has to consider her safety. my father never got to that point.
her doctors know everything from me as well as her. i've gained her trust by limiting my criticisms. not easy. she gains my trust by listening to me. it's a whole new relationship. but it has taken years and lots of work and patience and constant attendance.
get the valuables in a safe deposit box. get them a senior i.d. and no more driving. don't engage in an argument.
it took years for me to finally get power of attorney and it has caused a lot of problems down the line that could have been solved earlier. if you aren't persistent despite the criticisms of bossiness, etc. then the situation will get totally out of control before you know it. try try try to not take the criticisms personally. remember that their judgement is poor. that includes their judgement of you when you are trying to do the right thing. just keep doing the right thing and get help every step of the way. best of everything to you. i empathize completely.
She will get 24 hour care there. There will be people there to catch her falls and/or respond correctly when emergencies happen.
If there aren't then you need a different assisted living. These are the basics!
It sounds like your mom is having an enormous amount of emotional conflict with her aging.
She may be fairly realistic about her needs if she wants to go.
Believe me, you will still have a lot of work on your hands advocating for her once she is there. But the nitty gritty of the caregiving will be off your hands and she won't be so aggressive with you.
The 7 years you spent were not wasted. Caregiving is sooo stressful. If she is a wanderer and is getting extravagant with her/your financial resources, that HAS to be controlled.
A good assisted living facility can help you with that. But please get her in a good one. And communicate with them regularly.
You shouldn't feel guilty about this if this is what she wants!
You shouldn't feel guilty about anything.
Aging is filled with denial. It's hard for me to remember that my mom is in her eighties and is in a different phase. She has always been uhhh... willful... and it's hard to not resent that attitude now because one thinks, well you've always been like this. But her brain IS different now. And we are different as adults, as the responsible adults and have to let go of the resentment and take a certain amount of control as the responsible and capable adult.