Often it's because the roles are reversed. Some parents take it fairly well when their offspring say things such as "Now it's time for me to take care of you," or "I'll give you a hand until you get back on your feet" and gently place a kiss on their forehead. Other parents resort to crude, crass, and obscene language and behavior as a way to reassert their power and control. They might apologize and promise not to do it again; but eventually they do. Feeding into it only perpetuates the situation as the parent becomes more and more defensive. The ensuing battle of wills escalates, and caregivers might blurt out something like "I wish you'd hurry up and die so I can get on with my life." Rather than being a duke or duchess of discipline, try a mixture of collaborative owl and compromising fox. If that doesn't work, find a harmless solution that s/he can't refuse and mean it if only to remind them who's in charge. Good luck.
I forgot one thing: caregiving is about love, faith, and hope. Even when reason tells you not to. When I took care of my mother for 5 years, a couple of times I felt this strange need to turn her over my knees and spank her. Once I told my sisters I should be canonized for the sacrifices I made, but soon realized I had to get off the Cross. Someone else needs the wood. Most of the time, however, I thought about regular visits with my shrink just to hang on to the little sanity I had left.
Although I ranted and raved so much even the pitbulls didn't want to be near me, I got informed and involved with the caregiving community and took what I wanted to get what I needed from every recipe, advise, and philosophy to tailor my own and figure out what worked for me. In the end, the constant pursuit of knowledge led me to enough wisdom, objectivity, and the ability to control my emotions.
There's no cookie-cutter formula for the kind of work that we do because every person is unique and their needs, although similar, are unique as well. So we have to have a passion that must be rekindled every now and then. We must also be flexible, resilient, mentally balanced, and possess the desire to want to be a better man, woman, and human being. It's the closest we'll ever get to sainthood.
It's a shame people criticize and they don't even know what they are talking about. But who knows one day they may have to walk a million miles in your shoes and I bet you without blinking an eye will have their loved one in a nursing home lickety split LOL
Owl and fox - I am learning... I am learning... I am only responsible for my actions and my own reactions... and I mess up frequently... but I pray and press on!
As for critics, who needs em? It is easy to point fingers and be quick to judge til your in their shoes..
Mom just flipped out on me because her feet hurt. It is not my fault. Just took her to a Podiatrist. Now she wants an Orthopedist! Hold my breath and count to ten. I think I am going to go take the dog for a walk. Pray -Pray- Pray!!!!!! Neon, Austin, Sister and all the rest. Thanks for keeping me calm and focused with your wise words. Gigglebox, yes we are all learning- day by day. Keep up the positive words. Thanks
Buying shoes is one of the most stressful things I do with Mom. They are fine in the store,b ut then hurt when we get home. She throws them away, but there are no other shoes to wear. Even $150 pair ones didn't work, luckily I could return them. She currently wears a pair of men's loafers, and sometimes throws them away. Try different inserts. You could get her a foot massage unit, with infrared. Something to give her some relief if shoes are not found.
Stop for a moment and think about it- your Mom has always had control over you. She probably realizes now that she may have abused it at times. Bet she is worried that you may get even. On top of that, getting older and needing care is a season of losses and its hard to take losses gracefully. If you can afford to- get a professional caregiver to take care of her or at least relieve you some times. Good Luck.
Aaaahhhhh. A foot massage sounds good right now. Mom has a vibrating hydro one that's heavenly. And who would finger point about that? Good idea. They do that regularly at our Dad's Nursing Home (though I can't imagine my Dad or FIL being tolerant of such). I'd be happy to sit in for them, though.
Lovingdaughter, loved your prayer walking the dog idea. Very wise. Sometimes the simple escapes us, but can rejuvenate and give us a fresh perspective. Gives our loved ones a break, too.
Take care, everyone. Hope you found a blessing in your day somewhere along the way.
I have often said that the part of caregiving that wears me out the most is dealing with my mother's denial and advocating for her in the medical community. I get so frustrated when my mother needs a certain type of care, we go to the doctor, he turns to her and asks her, she clams up, then the smug doctor turns to me as if to say, "see, she didn't want it all along." What is worse is when my mother plays me against everyone else to get what she wants. I have been thrown under the bus so many times I have track marks on my back. And I cannot agree more with all who have mentioned getting Mom's finances under control. Make sure she has a revocable living trust with you as the trustee, a valid will, and has created a Power of Attorney each for both medical and finacial. If she has moved to a new state, I believe that you will need to create another PoA for that state. Keep an ORIGINAL medical PoA (notarized copy) with you at all times, in case of an emergency.
Carolsmom: I do not know why parents turn on the kid that is trying to help...maybe it is because we are the ones who stuck around to help. It is not personal but not easy either. Just keep your eyes on the plan you made and don't let any other relative tell you that you are not doing the best for her.
My Mom has thrown me off the bus in the tunnel, and just when I think I see light at the end, it's a freight train, followed by a steam roller. As for medical, that is the problem. I know too much, so she wants to point fingers at me, as a smoke screen, to get the focus off her. It works for her because she's so crafty, but some are seeing it for what it is. And it's grand theater. Her hostility is unsurpassed by any I've seen or received anywhere else. What is the problem? God only knows, but he also knows me by my works, and the actions that speak louder than words. Mom's words may sway some, but the way we handle it, and conduct ourselves reveals our character. Their behavior does, too. Sad for those who have to struggle. Caregiving and growing older is not for sissies.
I now use photography/video for a lot of things in caring for my mom, from showing doctors Mom's behavior symptoms (vs. her usual upbeat self)...to showing mom videos of herself enjoying activities, kissing doggies, laughing with friends. It's also evidence of how I treat my mother, compared with how the deadbeat sisters treat her (which is absent).
Have any of you tried filming your parent's obnoxious and cruel behavior. And showing them how they treat you? Pretty hard stuff to look at yourself acting like a jackass. With dementia, it could totally backfire. You could easily get the filming going, then set the camera on a shelf. Cell phones also have cameras, and you could pretend to start making a call.
Mom is pretty easygoing, thank God. I don't think I'd stick it out if she were fighting me.
Great advice. I've been taping each and every conversation for over a year, when she started saying I was "abusing" her. Her word against mine, and I don't want to have to defend myself against her false accusations. But, she one-upped me and wrote a letter to a judge. Don't think he'll care to listen to a year's worth of her nastiness on tape, though. I've thought of filming, but that wouldn't be admissable in court, would it? My sister calls it "spying" on Mom. No, just protecting myself. And I've told Mom, after a particularly harsh session of her ranting and raving that I have all her antics on tape. This enrages her, but I tell her all the time I'm taping. She forgets, apparently, and despises "getting caught." Still, I doubt her court-appointed lawyer would want to see those tapes, would he??? (Not!) Wonder what mine will say on Thursday? What a nightmare.
Seems like, in today's "sue happy" world, we do need to be careful. Anyone can accuse you of anything at any time. And if it takes filming behaviors or taping conversations, that may be a necessary precaution. For those who don't have to deal with these difficulties, be thankful.
Can anyone clarify what is legal or illegal in way of audio and video recording? Whether the person knows he/she is being recorded...or if recording equipment is hidden.
What the heck does your mother think she has to gain by this? If she "wins" does it mean that the county will move to become her conservator/public guardian. And then they'll figure out how to care for her. Run through her money quickly paying for hired caregivers...then throw her in a nursing home in the "troublesome Alzheimer's unit" as a Medicaid case when her funds run out.
Good luck. Bet those recordings could even stop the case from proceeding. Your mother may be ordered to have mental tests done, declared incompetent, etc. Think this may backfire on your mother! Keep us informed. Glad I don't have that problem, though who knows how Alz will progress in Mom's case.
Clarification of legalities would be my request, as well. Thanks for all your wonderful support and input AlzCaregiver. You've made a good many observations and suggestions! Any legal consultants out there on these posts who care to answer these questions???
you know secretsister, it is so sad, that the world has come to all the legal junk. who would ever think your mothers would accuse you for abusing. i have been so upset over the statements that my mother told the adult protective that i have just cried and cried. when i tried to explain somethings to the adult protective they were so rude to me, told me to not talk about anything but the one thing they ask me about. for sure, do not say nursing home to your mom, that is verbal abuse, harrasement. and dont take the phone out of her room, for 5 mintues because that is keeping her from her friends. now mom can not push the alert button when she falls in the floor, and her foot is black, but she can push it to call the daughters screaming abuse. and the charts i made for her am and pm medicine, color coded her medicine bottles, it is abuse. scared her. i am not kidding, and i was not allowed to mention, one morning mom was outside using the phone in garage, she had unpluged 4 phones inside the house, thought they were all out of order. i used heavy tape to tape phone lines so she would not unplug. bought bars 3 years ago to put in bathroom for safety because dr said to do this. they are still not up. she does not want to mess up walls. so honey, daughter, adult protective can go spend the night, end up with wrinkles, bags under their eyes, because i have learned a very hard and painful way, the more you try, the more they will turn against you. take care.. and keep the films rolling, maybe if i had of done this someone would have mercy on me and not been so quick to point a finger. carol
yes the government has to get their grubby hands into every aspect of our life, I would just learn this lesson, leave it to your daughters who think they know more than you and be done with it. You and God both know your heart, you've done all you can do now live your life for awhile you will need it later. I am so sorry but I have always said if you ccan't trust your parents who can you trust I learned as a child to never trust mine and have had trust issues all my life. I rely on me and mostly on God if I can't do it to suit you do it yourself, sounds like a crappy attitude but really it isn't I have helped people all over this country when they say what can I give you I say pass it on one day you will meet someone who needs something from you. I hope they do that I have had complete strangers in my home for the night as they needed a meal or a place to sleep. All in trying to deal with the trust issue sounds absurd and ridiculous in this world but strangers are kinder than relatives. I think they think just because they know you they can treat you like crap well I'm not crap and if someone thinks they can do this caregiving stuff better than me come on take it. so far no takers. As Paul did when the people would not listen to his teachings or was that peter? anyway they shook the dust off their shoes sometimes we have to as well and get on with things. I hope you feel better soon I am sure you are hurt tremedously But God gave you life to so leave them alone and let them handle it and stay out of their way and they will I promise you they will realize what a mistake they made. Love to you neon
Wonder if it's rampant the way Adult Protective Services people treat family caregivers? Some say that being kind and of service, that blessings will flow your way. But the day to day reality is that everyone else's shit has a channel right to our heads, presumed guilty from the get go. I thought our government was supposed to ensure fairness and uphold justice.
Carol, sounds like you have a real nutcase on your hands. Adult Protective Services will probably go for the easy bureaucratic solution, which is to put your mom in a nursing home in the Nothing But Trouble ward. So you can't even say, "Mom, if I don't care for you, you'll probably have to go to a nursing home?" Saying that is "elder abuse"? (Actually it would be nice to know, cause sister before me was very cruel in that area, threats of that kind.)
I actually own that book, and it is great! However, it doesn't erase the abuse that one receives from their parent. Here's my latest... Mom called last night to say that she couldn't find a gift that she was saving for my son. I already have plans with her on Sunday, so I told her I would help her find it then. She called back in a little, hysterical, to say that she couldn't find it, had knocked over a stack of stuff in the closet and had knocked off the closet door (the sliding kind that tends to come off the track). I told her not to worry, I would clean up the mess and find it when I come over on Sunday.. She went crazy! She wanted me to come right then, she can't handle the mess.. (it's in an extra bedroom with the door shut), how mean and ungrateful I am.. I am too busy for her... she may as well die... etc., etc., etc. She called back over and over again to tell me that I needed to come now or at least come on Saturday. I told her taht I have plans on Saturday and that I will take care of it on Sunday. I kept reassuring her that I would do it on Suday and she kept reassuring me that I was mean and terrible and that I think nothing of her, etc. I have been trying to teach myself, that I cannot give in to her whims and that she has to learn to obey the rules (as it says in the book), but she is unable to learn. I have been working on setting my limits for almost a year now, and it actually seems to be worse and not better. I told her that if she can't get control of her emotions, I won't be able to have her over for Thanksgiving. Of course, that set off a whole new set of explitives and stories of how mean and terrible I am. I am beside myself.. no matter what I say or do, how much I work on setting limits, etc., it doesn't work. I spend so much energy worrying about her and her needs, that I have completly neglect mine and my families.. I can't even go out to a movie with my kids without having to make up a lie to her about where I am going, cuz then she would be ANGRY taht I didn't take her with us. HELP!!!
no what u need to do is get really firm her and let her know you have a family and she is not the only one you take care of just let her know straight out
I have poured over every comment on every thread here for over a year. I have set boundaries, gone to support groups, taked to physicians, nurses, CNA's, wocial workers, psychiatrists, etc. I have tried to do what they say to manage my mother. I've consulted with reverends, pastors, and police. They all have adivce, but no solutions. Now I'm talking to lawyers and judges, because my mom treats me just like dedstock's mom.
No matter how reasonable, how gentle, how forgiving I am, or how much I do, I still incur my mother's wrath, complaining, and demands. What does she do when she doesn't get her demands met? She accuses me of abuse, to doctors, lawyers, and judges. Wicked! And they assume I am guilty, I think. They won't listen to tapes I recorded for the last year, or read her abusive letters, but take her story and lies as gospel truth. How is there justice in that? How do we protect ourselves, who try to "help" our parents, when they turn on us like a dog after its own leg? What a sick system! How's come the bad guys win?
PERSONALLY, I have missed you guys like crazy.. and I have missed a lot of good POSTS. We have to maintain our POSITVENESS -we have to PRAY n PRESS on despite the many PROBLEMS our PARENTS PLACE upon us. Fingers may POINT, but they aren't in our shoes. PEOPLE may not understand, but they don't have the POWER of attorney - they don't have to make the decisions that we do. We have to learn not to take it PERSONAL -as hard as that is. Sometimes we have to PRETEND that it doesn't hurt - we have to put our faith over our feelings. We have to take PRECAUTIONS and we have to wipe the sand off our sandals. All of us are doing the very best that we can as we deal with the P's (bear with me here) of caregiving!
I don't understand government nor am I dealing with all of the things that so many of you are. For that, I am grateful. I actually got a THANK YOU from my dad for all that I have done - I went and ate Thanksgiving dinner with him at the nursing home on Thursday. Yes, he is in a nursing home - b/c I knew I couldn't handle him myself. My thoughts n prayers are with you all - the ones of you who sacrifice your lives by taking care of someone else who is hateful and so mean. For me to get a THANK YOU was a big thing - we gotta hold on to the good stuff! And buddy, do I ever! There's enough bad/negative in this caregiving uniform that we wear.
I admire your positive attitude. I was rather positive myself, when things were going well. Never imagined my own mother would turn on me so. The best I can do, is forgive seventy times seven, regardless of circumstances.
I will endeavor to count the blessings God has given: a faithful Saviour, loving friends, future hope. This world is not my home, and I have not been forsaken. (Just persecuted a bit, LOL.) Thanks for the reminder, Gigglebox, to focus on the positive. I'd appreciate your prayers, as well.
Bless you all this Thanksgiving. I pray you all have something to be thankful for!
Secret Sister, your positiveness is still shining through - you are showing your faith over your feelings. You still have hope in your Savior! Check out Psalm 42 - our preacher's sermon today! Yep, we are persecuted at times and we can have one pity party if we choose to. I am sorry that your mom has turned on you... I have prayers that things will get better for you. God has a will of working things out. I know all of this seems cliche with what all you are going through - I cannot imagine what you are going through. I cannot empathisize b/c I don't know - I am not there. But keep up the positiveness - look for the roses despite life's thorns!
So... today I am heading over to do all the stuff she wanted me to do yesterday. She has already called me twice, crying, about how much work I have to do and there won't be enought time to do it all, etc. give me patience, pls.
Although I ranted and raved so much even the pitbulls didn't want to be near me, I got informed and involved with the caregiving community and took what I wanted to get what I needed from every recipe, advise, and philosophy to tailor my own and figure out what worked for me. In the end, the constant pursuit of knowledge led me to enough wisdom, objectivity, and the ability to control my emotions.
There's no cookie-cutter formula for the kind of work that we do because every person is unique and their needs, although similar, are unique as well. So we have to have a passion that must be rekindled every now and then. We must also be flexible, resilient, mentally balanced, and possess the desire to want to be a better man, woman, and human being. It's the closest we'll ever get to sainthood.
As for critics, who needs em? It is easy to point fingers and be quick to judge til your in their shoes..
You could get her a foot massage unit, with infrared. Something to give her some relief if shoes are not found.
Foot massage machine. Great idea. Will look for one this week! Thanks.
Lovingdaughter, loved your prayer walking the dog idea. Very wise. Sometimes the simple escapes us, but can rejuvenate and give us a fresh perspective. Gives our loved ones a break, too.
Take care, everyone. Hope you found a blessing in your day somewhere along the way.
And I cannot agree more with all who have mentioned getting Mom's finances under control. Make sure she has a revocable living trust with you as the trustee, a valid will, and has created a Power of Attorney each for both medical and finacial. If she has moved to a new state, I believe that you will need to create another PoA for that state. Keep an ORIGINAL medical PoA (notarized copy) with you at all times, in case of an emergency.
Carolsmom: I do not know why parents turn on the kid that is trying to help...maybe it is because we are the ones who stuck around to help. It is not personal but not easy either. Just keep your eyes on the plan you made and don't let any other relative tell you that you are not doing the best for her.
Have any of you tried filming your parent's obnoxious and cruel behavior. And showing them how they treat you? Pretty hard stuff to look at yourself acting like a jackass. With dementia, it could totally backfire. You could easily get the filming going, then set the camera on a shelf. Cell phones also have cameras, and you could pretend to start making a call.
Mom is pretty easygoing, thank God. I don't think I'd stick it out if she were fighting me.
Seems like, in today's "sue happy" world, we do need to be careful. Anyone can accuse you of anything at any time. And if it takes filming behaviors or taping conversations, that may be a necessary precaution. For those who don't have to deal with these difficulties, be thankful.
What the heck does your mother think she has to gain by this? If she "wins" does it mean that the county will move to become her conservator/public guardian. And then they'll figure out how to care for her. Run through her money quickly paying for hired caregivers...then throw her in a nursing home in the "troublesome Alzheimer's unit" as a Medicaid case when her funds run out.
Good luck. Bet those recordings could even stop the case from proceeding. Your mother may be ordered to have mental tests done, declared incompetent, etc. Think this may backfire on your mother! Keep us informed. Glad I don't have that problem, though who knows how Alz will progress in Mom's case.
Carol, sounds like you have a real nutcase on your hands. Adult Protective Services will probably go for the easy bureaucratic solution, which is to put your mom in a nursing home in the Nothing But Trouble ward. So you can't even say, "Mom, if I don't care for you, you'll probably have to go to a nursing home?" Saying that is "elder abuse"? (Actually it would be nice to know, cause sister before me was very cruel in that area, threats of that kind.)
"Elder Rage—or--Take My Father...Please!
How To Survive Caring For Aging Parents"
by Jacqueline Marcell
Mom called last night to say that she couldn't find a gift that she was saving for my son. I already have plans with her on Sunday, so I told her I would help her find it then.
She called back in a little, hysterical, to say that she couldn't find it, had knocked over a stack of stuff in the closet and had knocked off the closet door (the sliding kind that tends to come off the track). I told her not to worry, I would clean up the mess and find it when I come over on Sunday.. She went crazy! She wanted me to come right then, she can't handle the mess.. (it's in an extra bedroom with the door shut), how mean and ungrateful I am.. I am too busy for her... she may as well die... etc., etc., etc.
She called back over and over again to tell me that I needed to come now or at least come on Saturday. I told her taht I have plans on Saturday and that I will take care of it on Sunday. I kept reassuring her that I would do it on Suday and she kept reassuring me that I was mean and terrible and that I think nothing of her, etc.
I have been trying to teach myself, that I cannot give in to her whims and that she has to learn to obey the rules (as it says in the book), but she is unable to learn. I have been working on setting my limits for almost a year now, and it actually seems to be worse and not better. I told her that if she can't get control of her emotions, I won't be able to have her over for Thanksgiving. Of course, that set off a whole new set of explitives and stories of how mean and terrible I am.
I am beside myself.. no matter what I say or do, how much I work on setting limits, etc., it doesn't work.
I spend so much energy worrying about her and her needs, that I have completly neglect mine and my families.. I can't even go out to a movie with my kids without having to make up a lie to her about where I am going, cuz then she would be ANGRY taht I didn't take her with us.
HELP!!!
No matter how reasonable, how gentle, how forgiving I am, or how much I do, I still incur my mother's wrath, complaining, and demands. What does she do when she doesn't get her demands met? She accuses me of abuse, to doctors, lawyers, and judges. Wicked! And they assume I am guilty, I think. They won't listen to tapes I recorded for the last year, or read her abusive letters, but take her story and lies as gospel truth. How is there justice in that? How do we protect ourselves, who try to "help" our parents, when they turn on us like a dog after its own leg? What a sick system! How's come the bad guys win?
I don't understand government nor am I dealing with all of the things that so many of you are. For that, I am grateful. I actually got a THANK YOU from my dad for all that I have done - I went and ate Thanksgiving dinner with him at the nursing home on Thursday. Yes, he is in a nursing home - b/c I knew I couldn't handle him myself. My thoughts n prayers are with you all - the ones of you who sacrifice your lives by taking care of someone else who is hateful and so mean. For me to get a THANK YOU was a big thing - we gotta hold on to the good stuff! And buddy, do I ever! There's enough bad/negative in this caregiving uniform that we wear.
I will endeavor to count the blessings God has given: a faithful Saviour, loving friends, future hope. This world is not my home, and I have not been forsaken. (Just persecuted a bit, LOL.) Thanks for the reminder, Gigglebox, to focus on the positive. I'd appreciate your prayers, as well.
Bless you all this Thanksgiving. I pray you all have something to be thankful for!
give me patience, pls.