Check out the signs of dementia. The inappropriate acting-out symptoms may be related to that. My Mom has strongly disliked my own daughter since she was a pre-schooler! She holds it against my daughter because she claims that my child once told her she was ugly! Mom never told me, so I was never able to address it! My daugher probably heard someone tell a child that their behavior was "ugly" and so she repeated it. But Mom has held on to the resentment for 20-plus years! When my daughter and son-in-law told her they are expecting a child, she said that she is "against it" and that she is "tired of people having kids they can't take care of." My daughter and son-in-law now can't stand Mom.
u must inderstand someithing there mind is not the same it like a light inside them thats tell them to say things regardles of who they say it to my friends father has said very harsh thing to her and she didn't undertstand why, i explain to her they do not know what they are doing or saying u must not take it personally i know its hard i take care of a cleint now and she is a dememtia person and she says awful thing to me, her sister the people around her and she doesn't realize what she says..then later i remind her what she says and she doeen't remember,she'll stand up there and tell me i was lying. and its so sad it really is the disease is about one of the most terrifying one there is other than cancer (but thats my opinon) we all have dementia its forgetting but it can be more devasting in the elderly world..
msdiva, I am just learning about dementia more and more... it is so easily misunderstood sometimes for meanness... and I am still trying to figure it out b/c my dad has always been mean.. and there may be some ill feelings as well.. but to be told that you are lying hurts! But it is a disease, like you said.. and a terrifying one. To have physical health and to lose your mind... is sad!
YOU KNOW I KNOW THATS HARDER WHEN THE LOVEONES WAS NOT THAT NICE OR ALL IN THEIR PASSING DAYS CAUSE MY FRIENDS FATHER AS MEAN AS WELL AND THATS TOO BAD CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW HOW UR GONNA TURN UP WHEN THE PEOPLE YOU WERE MEAN TO ENDS UP TAKING CARE OF YOU...I HAVE NEVER EXPECIENCE THAT MY PARENTS WERE DECIPLINE BUT NEVER MEAN TO US (CAN'T SAY THAT FOR THE REST OF MY SIBLINGS) BUT.......MY FRIEND FATHER?,I CAN RECALL HIM BEING MEAN AT TIMES WHEN I WAS AT HER HOUSE WHEN WE WERE GROWING UP.SO IM SORRY THAT THIS IS GOING ON STILL IN UR LIFE AND MUCH ADDED HE SICK AS WELL AND PROBABLY EVEN WROST NOW THAN BEFORE..BUTJUST REMEMBER GIGGLEBOX ,YOU LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES YOU
My Mom did the same thing about being rude, demanding, wanting to spend money,etc. Just like you said about your Mom. It ended up that my Mom had a "chemical imbalance", the doctors decided to put her on Zyprexa and Zoloft. She is a different person now...I have my Mom back...sweet, stilla little whacky but much easier to deal with and her mind is much better.
I never could understand why my husband was so mean to me when he depended on me soley for everything but it is common for a dependent person to treat the one they depend on badly- I just had to overlook how he acted but it took a long time to do that and to realize he was wrong and not me.
Thanks, Austin! Again, I will repeat myself... WE are only responsible for OUR actions and reactions! It is hard when we are hurting or being hurt by the ones we care for... we hurt anyways b/c we do love the ones we care for and they are lashing out at us!
Thanks I needed to hear that! I just now read this after making a posting of that very thing.. I do love him - that is why I am caring for him.. As for mean siblings, won't go there... They can be so clueless! Okay, so I went there! LOL!
Amy, just read your post - I don't take my kids to visit my dad at the nursing home for fear of that... when he was home, he yelled at them like slaves - take out the trash, pick up, do this, do that... and perhaps your mom was acting ugly.. I know that my dad sure does... and my kids have seen a lot.. One time I recall my kids saying, MOM, YOU KNOW HOW THE BIBLE SAYS TO TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED??? WELL, DOES GRANPA WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP!??? enough said! LOL! You gotta laugh to keep from crying and press on!
I attend all my mothers appointments to she isn't pulling anything over on him because I won't let her. He knows she isn't listening to him so he suggested to her that she only had to come in every 6 months instead of three because if she isn't going to do what he tells her she needs to do he can't really help her, but mom has always known more than anyone its a shame she never put any of that knwledge to use.
As to the original question we are the closest to them, when dad was alive she did it to him now its my turn the other siblings could care less what goes on if I tell my sister something she either ignores it or breezes right past it so don't tell her much of anything anymore. I do the best I can for my mother and the rest is up to her, yesterday was her birthday and she did thank me for a nice day but continued to stay in her room and would not come out for ice cream and cake?? but I knew that when I suggested she come with me sat to thank all the people who sent her birthday cards she automatically went into her pain routine. amazing how convienent that can be. but it is what it is and i know longer expect anything from her I just do what I would for any on e I love give or take something and thats all I can do is make her as happy as she wants to be and thats the key she likes to have pity parties and I alway say no to that invitation.
Good post, Gigglebox. I cringe at what my child has seen from his "loved ones," and how he and his Mom and Dad are treated by my parents at times. We try to shield them, but mean people and attitudes are pervasive in this family. Distance was the best policy until they needed help. Now they think we're they are their personal possessions to order about, unappreciatively, and do whatever they say, when they demand it, regardless of how that affects our marriage, family life, or child. It's a crying shame; still we provide for their needs to best we can. The atmosphere is not conducive to any positive outcome, as they bite the hand that feeds them.
Still, we forgive, and keep trying to do what's right, despite their criticism, complaints and anger. Tough love has taken on a new level of meaning, and somedays, I just don't feel so tough. And some days we struggle under the weight of it. The reward comes from knowing we do this because we care, regardless of the outcome or response. Thank God for those who do appreciate what we do, who make giving to others a joy-filled experience. Almost makes up for our parent's meanness.
Again, WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN ACTIONS AND REACTIONS! We cannot help what our parents were and now are and we need to do better, not just vow to do better, but to be better! We are NOT our parents.. we are God's children, adopted into His loving family.. that alone gives me comfort and helps me to press on, despite circumstances. Neonwocky said it well - we do the best that we can in taking care of them and the rest is up to them. I am praying that my dad will get out of his room today - veteran's day.. but I cannot be there b/c I have a sick child at home with me. We are all there - we all have our stories!
A good question indeed! My m-i-l is the sweetest woman, but this Alzheimer's is an UGLY disease. She says one minute, Thank You for helping me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you around. Then, the next minute--Don't do this! Don't do that! Everytime she does that, she knocks me down one more peg to not feeling like taking care of her. So it's a notch up, then a notch or two down. This disease is just UGLY. Luckily, I have my s-i-l, who takes her o/n once a week, maybe two times a week or else I couldn't do this. She'd be in a nursing home already if it weren't for my s-i-l. Right now, she's got some sort of infection--not a yeast infection--she got a PAP SMEAR done yesterday and all clean down there. Blood either comes out in the toilet or on the tissue and it's not from the rectum. There are Kidney Problems that run in her family. So, we're thinking it could be a kidney infection or bladder infection.
yes it is a nasty disease I took care of my mother in law years ago with alzheimers throw in some diabetes mini strokes and a heart condition and an attitude that would run off a wrestler, the one thing you really have to learn to do and it is very hard to learn it is do not take it personally. half the time they don't even know what they are doing. I speak from experience. Please learn to do that it will save you a lot of stress.
To the original poster, there is something a parenting expert pointed out about teenagers, who were nice kids but turned ugly when the grew into teenagers: dependency resentment. And the parents have done SO MUCH to keep the teen safe and healthy and gadgeted. So they try harder or try a different approach.
Makes perfect sense a senior would have this reaction as well. I probably would myself. A teenager knows, however, that within a few years they are expected to fly the coop and be on their own. With a senior, they'd sense the only relief is death, with a few stops at hospitals and nursing homes.
Alzgiver sounds pretty smart as well.. never thought of it that way. Dependency resentment... when my mother died, my father gave up, saying "who's gonna take care of me now?" He KNEW that I had my hands full with kids and family but he also knew that I was here... I am doing the best I can... I hated putting him in a nursing home, but it was HIS decision.. and he likes it there from what I can tell b/c he is getting waited on. He went in for rehab only but wouldn't do the therapy.. so there he sits and dementia is setting in. And he misses my mom, too, I know. So there is some truth to that - depression and dementia seem to go hand in hand, don't they? It's like you give up, your mind gives up...
yes I agree than with all the time on their hand not doing anything they think and think about gietting their own place which I surely understand but their health will not permit it but they think they are fine. its a vicious circle.
Cheese, my mother didn't respond to all my efforts at all until she got on Zoloft to give her spirits a lift. Then my efforts "stuck." Might be worth a try for the father in the nursing home.
Sure wish my Mom decided to continue taking her Zoloft, and her anti-anxiety medication. At least we got her off the long-term (51 years) use of prescription narcotics, for the time being...till the new Guardian takes over, and she starts shopping doctors again. When we have done the best we can, what choice do we have but to let go, and trust God? Too bad for me I didn't start there! He's still in control, though, despite the idea that mother thinks she is.
You are right and mother is wrong, funny how the children do get it and the parents never will must be the generation. They never take their own advice they gave us at once upon a time.
Apparently the court system aims to give them what they want, even if they lack judgment. I am "beside myself" as a dear lady said recently. Wish I could talk to her now; hopefully soon. But, God has given me lots of wonderful friends. I think I'll go spend some time with some of them.
Neon, thank you, dear one. Unfortunately, my Mom never gave me very much good advice; maybe a few good examples, but many more poor examples. Same with Dad. Have felt so alone for so long. But when my father and mother forsake me, the LORD shall take me up. Oh, how I need him now, in the valley.
I wonder if that's how our elders feel? They say and do such strange things. What are they thinking? Do emotions take over rational thought? Seems insane to me. Oh, God, and they say it runs in families... Seems it's in the government and court systems, too. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I know this post cannot sound good.
well beleive it or not I learned all the good things I needed to know because #1 I stayed with my grandmothers until I was 6 and old enough to do housework and scrub floors sometimes I feel like shirley temple without the happy ending.LOL but from watching them I knew I didn't want to be like them there was sonething just not right. I just found out a few weeks ago it has a name nacissim and my father was an alcoholic so I am sure both their frustrations were taken out on their kids thus two have nothing to do with my mother my father died 2 years ago and i took care of him to. I just have this heart that is too big for my body but I'd rather be me than either one of them anyday. But I was beaten and verbally abused enough to know the difference between right and wrong so I thank them both for that.
Wow, talk about a mixed blessing?!? Hmmm. I count many, too. Just cuz we learned right from wrong, doesn't mean things always turn out right. But what about our elderly, once abusive, once neglectful, now vulnerable and needy elders? Hmmmmmm.
Well I look at it this way. Each child is born with a clean slate. What we write on our slate within our lifetime will be judged. The Lord says ALL will be judged. not all will go to heaven. My mother says she will go to heaven because she was taught as a child and still remembers so she doesn't ned to go to church to worship God as he has commanded, she doesn't need to take communion as Jesus said so this in rememberance of me. She will be very surprised. Take care of them to the best of our ability because God says honor they father and mother, He doesn't say honor them only if they have been good to you. So I do what the Lord expects leave my worries at his doorstep and if my mother wants to be hateful to my son he is now a man and has my permission to reply in any manner he sees fit as long as he isn't hateful back and thats what he does. We talk and I told him that is the only mother Ihave so I can't help she isn't the kind of mother I wanted or like his mother he understands and is very kind and helpful to me one of my favorite sayings is" the proof is in the pudding. I am going to be the best me I can be because I have to answer to my Lord, My mother who knows everything will have to answer as well and boy does she have a lot to answer to. I asked my elder at church when my father died is it okay to pray for leianancy for my father he said absolutely but he won't get to heaven. We are only responsible for our own actions. Now when my son was youngeer 13 thru 16 I took care of my MIL she had several diseases working against her and she wasn't the nicest person in the world either, I think that generation got a dose of something that made them all weird,, anyway if she would walk across the room with her walker and my sone was laying on the floor watching tv she would walk out of her way to hit him with her walker and I would jump on her everytime and everytime she'd say I was just playing so I would tell her to find another way to play or I would take the walker away from her. It finally sunk in she did other things to my son to and once when he was 16 she came out around 4 in the morning and hit him over the head with a spatula and told him to get the hell out of her house, He picked her up put her on the front porch and locked the door, 1/2 hour later he went out and said don't ever do that to me again I gave up my room for you and if you do it again I'm taking my room back and you can sleep on the sofa, she didn't LOL
It certainly is difficult when the person you are caring for is short-tempered with you, the caregiver, who is doing so much for them...I am seeing this more and more. I care for my mother (78 and dementia is progressing, also physically unable to care for herself...needs assistance with getting up, down, to the bathroom and out of bed and with dressing). And yet, when mom is with my siblings, or meeting our friends, she is sweet and lovely, her "real" self...If I point this out to her she is baffled and doesn't know what I mean. I really try to see her perspective, but is increasingly difficult to love her the way I once did. She has lived with my family for a year and a half...we are all tired. My teenage sons keep to their rooms SO much...they don't want to watch "Family Feud" one more time...I love mom, but we are currently looking for assisted or nursing homes for her care as we are quite frankly, overwhelmed...I keep hemming and hawing about it, but my husband has his mind made up and I am feeling that it is necessary for the health of my marriage and our relationship with our children. I want the very best for my mom, so choosing a home will be very difficult...already looked at the 2 closest and both are ok, but not exactly what I had in mind. On her "bad days" as in yesterday, when she was having a tantrum and yelling at me and her visiting angel companion "JUST LET ME DIE...WHY DO YOU KEEP ME ALIVE??"...I'm convinced that it is time for help...other times, when she thanks me for caring for her...less often these days, I feel like I can never place her...ugh....Dementia is a terrible disease that robs you of the one you love....Good luck and peace to all those out there caring for a parent or loved one with dementia.
My thoughts n prayers are with all of you - I didn't get a chance to get on the computer yesterday and I see that I missed quite a few postings n stories. What I see is a group of caregivers with big loving hearts who have their faith in God to keep them going! Our parents may have abused us physically or mentally - we may have dealt with much as kids, but now WE ARE PARENTING OUR PARENTS... AND WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. ONLY GOD WILL NEVER FORSAKE US..as long as we seek His will - He will works things out for us! We need to head HIS ADVICE only despite what our parents taught us.
Cmarlein, I think that you need to find a home - you need the peace n quiet and less stress.. I have been criticized for putting my dad in a nursing home by one of his former neighbors... I asked her WOULD YOU WANT HIM LIVING WITH YOU? Enough said - point taken... He has always been rude, crude and obnoxious - that is just the way he was raised.. and dementia just makes it worse. With two kids, I didn't want the drama! It's enough and he is in a nursing home... only I go visit him b/c of the drama... I pray for you!
Thanks I needed to hear that! I just now read this after making a posting of that very thing.. I do love him - that is why I am caring for him.. As for mean siblings, won't go there... They can be so clueless! Okay, so I went there! LOL!
As to the original question we are the closest to them, when dad was alive she did it to him now its my turn the other siblings could care less what goes on if I tell my sister something she either ignores it or breezes right past it so don't tell her much of anything anymore. I do the best I can for my mother and the rest is up to her, yesterday was her birthday and she did thank me for a nice day but continued to stay in her room and would not come out for ice cream and cake?? but I knew that when I suggested she come with me sat to thank all the people who sent her birthday cards she automatically went into her pain routine. amazing how convienent that can be. but it is what it is and i know longer expect anything from her I just do what I would for any on e I love give or take something and thats all I can do is make her as happy as she wants to be and thats the key she likes to have pity parties and I alway say no to that invitation.
Still, we forgive, and keep trying to do what's right, despite their criticism, complaints and anger. Tough love has taken on a new level of meaning, and somedays, I just don't feel so tough. And some days we struggle under the weight of it. The reward comes from knowing we do this because we care, regardless of the outcome or response. Thank God for those who do appreciate what we do, who make giving to others a joy-filled experience. Almost makes up for our parent's meanness.
Makes perfect sense a senior would have this reaction as well. I probably would myself. A teenager knows, however, that within a few years they are expected to fly the coop and be on their own. With a senior, they'd sense the only relief is death, with a few stops at hospitals and nursing homes.
Neon, thank you, dear one. Unfortunately, my Mom never gave me very much good advice; maybe a few good examples, but many more poor examples. Same with Dad. Have felt so alone for so long. But when my father and mother forsake me, the LORD shall take me up. Oh, how I need him now, in the valley.
I wonder if that's how our elders feel? They say and do such strange things. What are they thinking? Do emotions take over rational thought? Seems insane to me. Oh, God, and they say it runs in families... Seems it's in the government and court systems, too. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I know this post cannot sound good.
Cmarlein, I think that you need to find a home - you need the peace n quiet and less stress.. I have been criticized for putting my dad in a nursing home by one of his former neighbors... I asked her WOULD YOU WANT HIM LIVING WITH YOU? Enough said - point taken... He has always been rude, crude and obnoxious - that is just the way he was raised.. and dementia just makes it worse. With two kids, I didn't want the drama! It's enough and he is in a nursing home... only I go visit him b/c of the drama... I pray for you!