Elderly parents refuse to seek proper medical care. Any insights?

Continue with your retirement plans. But do some research into assisted living facilities so you will be ready when you get the call that one or both of them can no longer care for themselves. That way it won't be like me where I had to make a ton of decisions in a very short period of time.

It is time for you and your family to live your own lives. From what you've written it is fairly obvious that your parents have decided to do for themselves what they want. To continue to attempt to influence or intercede in their lives will bring you and your wife unnecessary stress and frustration which could prove problematic mentally,emotionally and certainly physically. I worked many years in the "helping profession" with in the Health Care System. What I learned in that time is unless people in this case parents ask for assistance and are willing to follow thru with what is provided in terms of that assistance positive outcomes never materialize. Your parents have built walls around themselves, you and yours need to focus on what is best for yourselves. They made their choices, time to let go of the quilt, frustration, the perception that is your responsibility and stress is created. Time to follow your retirement plans.

Oh, my... let THEM decide and accept the consequences. Some of us reach a point where we're simple ready to move on. Factoid: you eventually die. ...after which there is either "something" or "nothing". If there's "nothing"... no problem. If there's "something" (rebirth? looking down from above? punishment? reward? heaven? etc ...), well, let's get on with it. I've been around for 80 years, but I can't physically do the things that gave me joy before nor solve more than one mental problem at a time; I'm ready to move on. Speaking for myself, I don't believe in suicide, but I don't feel required to use medical assistance to go through every uncomfortable and, what I consider, useless stage of aging. And it would give me pleasure to leave some education funds for my grandchildren and spare them tending me in between doctor and hospital visits. NOTE: This is me, speaking for me, and urging you to be willing to listen to such talk from your own parents if that is the path they are also choosing. I still have my wits and can pass my driving test, but I visit in "assisted living" homes and I've also travelled in many third world areas (in Central America, Africa, Asia, rural Russia and areas of U.S. cities) and met old people winding down in their own way. And they smile.

Just back off. When input and medical care is saught from you, you no longer have an opinion. You are ignored anyway. Dont bother. Just listen. Have no opinion.
Your parents dont want to listen to you. Want you available when they want you. You should continue your retirement plans. Too bad. You are not their caretaker or poa. They dont even listen to your input. Cont with your plans! You make you happy. You cant make them happy unless you become their personal assistant at beck and call. And you no longer are doing that.
Elderly people tend to become cheap bc they know they could live a long time and need that $ later and not have it. Thats why the house starts to deteriorate, or why healthcare needs go out the window. They are scared they won't have it when needed, since they arent working.
Id let all know you are continuing with your plans reguardless. Brother wont take responsibility, why is it all on you?
You can always call long distance and help them get in home care later. Or help pick options later. Dont put your life on hold. You will be absolutely miserable! Forge ahead! Good luck.

You are trying to be proactive about your parents' health. They do not follow through with any advice you give them. If they will not seek medical help and THEN THERE IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, do not go running. They have been forewarned.

Johnc1;

As much as it might pain us children to hear our parents' complaints or concerns, if they are not willing to take our advice and act on it, there is no point to doing so OR feeling guilty that you haven't helped.

At this time it sounds like they would be considered mentally competent. It also sounds like having some kind of POA for financial or medical issues is out of the question (based on your saying they refuse to discuss future health plans and that they are 'secretive.') So, there really isn't anything you can do to change that. They are adults, they can choose to do as they please. The only thing you can do is 'be at peace.'

Make your retirement plans and relocate. Other than providing a new address in case they need it, I wouldn't even bother bringing the topic up again.

Seems pretty clear that your brother has already taken the 'hands off' approach (even if he does do symptom look-ups, that doesn't address the underlying issue.) So, you should follow suit. If the parents have a "medical" complaint, politely tell them you don't have a medical degree, they should call their doctor.

Medicare, in case they are not aware of it, provides an in-home health 'assessment' (personally I consider this a supplemental insurance money-grab - what can they possibly do in your home?? I declined the few times they managed to ask me, and ignore their calls and letters about it!) In their case it might be somewhat useful, if they are not going for yearly checks, etc. Medicare also provides a yearly "wellness" exam at no charge (another checkup I consider somewhat useless - it is NOT a traditional full physical exam.)

Some people distrust the medical system. Certainly there are cases of mis-treatments and abusing the system, but in general our medical care far exceeds what was available 50 years ago! Just learn to be your own advocate, ask questions (drug questions should go to the pharmacist), etc. You can only suggest they talk to their doctor. They say no, discussion is over. NO guilt. If the issue is non-covered payments, again, not your problem or issue to deal with.

"My wife and I are very frustrated and feel that we waste our efforts and energy trying to engage my parents in any productive conversations." The way to alleviate the frustration and reduce effort and energy is to STOP trying to engage in productive conversations. You should both know by now it is pointless. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result, you need to stop. The result isn't going to change.

"In particular, I often feel guilty, burdened and responsible for my parents well-being." We are NOT responsible for our parents' well-being, especially when they won't engage or listen. It is commendable to want to help and make efforts to help, but when they are rebuffed all the time, you need to know when to stop - that time is NOW. You have tried, many many times, so don't let guilt creep in either. If you stop the attempts to engage, or to make their lives "better", and work on telling yourselves you have already tried this, those feelings of guilt will subside. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water... Well, in your case, you CANNOT lead the horse to the water OR make it drink, so don't go there.

If/when the time arrives that a medical crisis arises, that's when you can try to help out. Certainly it is better to nip medical conditions early, but you can NOT force them to do anything, so it is a waiting game. We don't know what life has in store for them (or us), but you can do/gain nothing from worrying about it now.

For now, focus on your own health, life and family issues and prepare for that retirement and relocation!

I know someone in a similar situation where his mother constantly asks for advice from him and his brother, and then ignores it. In this woman's case, it is a form of passive aggression. I'm not saying that is what is happening with your parents, but it is a possibility. I agree with what others have said about not allowing yourself to be manipulated.

Ditto many comments already received, & big hugs to you & your wife.

I first thought prayer. To get the change started. You just say it & let God do the work. If you don't subscribe, I'm not trying to "push" - but it works for me. Things start changing for me that tumble into the direction that it needs to go.

Next, keep doing what you're doing because it's something vs nothing and you have to live with your conscience. To that end, I believe the bigger your spider web, the greater your chance of catching flies. Meaning, start searching resources and leave no rock unturned - bigger and bigger; and don't quit. Seek and you will find kind of thing...

Maybe the Office on Aging (OOA) in your area can refer to some home-health care companies as they have nurses, physical & occupational therapists that make house calls. Maybe one will be willing to work with your situation (insurance or not). OOA can refer you to support groups that might have resource connections too.

Explain it to your own doctor and ask for ideas/suggestions. It very rare, but I have had the luck of 2 doctors offering their home phone number if I had questions.

What do they listen to? Facts? Do they actually have any kind of insurance? Find out & research on your own what's available. I've often called medical entities starting off with, "I know you can't talk about XYZ's situation & that's ok; my question is what resources do you have available for people with blah, blah problems with only blah, blah insurance?" And I go from there. See the angle? It opens doors. Then come back to them with 'the facts'.

??? Good luck & God bless.

John, Sweet man, I SO Sympathize with you. My mom recently passed away from Heart and Lung Cancer. I tried and tied to get her to see a Specialist, Her own from Home Doctor, Pacified and Lied, Knowing that she probably was very sick, But kept on "Pacifying" To keep her coming and her Insurance paying heir own Meals, If you get me.
All you can Do, Is if you see anything that will Endanger them, Call Adult Protective Services to Begin the Bal Rolling as a Facility maybe down the Road for Them...If it comes to this. If they don't make you POA of anything, You are screwed, You heart is the only thing to go on that won't benefit you in the future but Help them down the line, Should something go crazy. Your life is your Own at Home, Right Now, But if you are Like Me, Your Heart from the Start is the Only Thing Holding you there Cos you so much Care...God Bless your Bro, God KNOW:((xx

Without knowing what their finances actually are, you don't know if they can afford what you are suggesting. Did you know that in my state, if you don't have supplemental insurance to Medicare, a specialist will bill you BEFORE your first appointment? That they will not see you unless you have paid the $400 or $500 upfront? Did you know that many (most) supplemental policies do not cover rehab costs once the magical 20 days of rehab has passed and Medicare coverage drops to 80%? That figure can amount to $15,000 if you are in rehab for 90 days. As another replier suggested, not all doctors are competent. My dad sustained a brain injury due to medical incompetence which forced an early retirement due to the resulting seizure condition? I could list several instances where the medical treatment of a loved one did more harm than good. At the same time, mom would never have lived to the age of 89 if it weren't for the pacemaker she received when she was 55 and the subsequent regular replacements. In other words, medical care is a double edged sword. There are people who decide to forgo medical treatment for a myriad of reasons. It is their choice. You don't say how old they are but your age suggests that they are in their 80s. If I were you, I would make sure they have adequate supplemental insurance that includes rehab coverage, suggest they meet with an elder attorney (perhaps they aren't averse to that), and walk away or move away as it seems that you are looking for permission to do that. If deep down, you know you can't. then know that at some point one of them (therefore both) will experience a crisis that will require you to intervene on their behalf under pressure. I speak from experience. At that point you will need to know all about their assets and liabilities. You will need information regarding tax documents, bank accounts, loans, deeds, trusts, social security info, and burial plans/plots. You can't assume that the "well" parent will be able to produce these documents in these circumstances.

Sounds like you have done all you can and them some for these people. I'd try to see if there is a local Area Agency on Aging which will be able to hone in on if there is a local office on aging to serve your parents. Eventually there is likely to be some sort of crisis and they would get involved anyhow. At my agency numerous referrals often come in via the Fire Dept. Everyone who is competent has a right to making their own bad decisions. So recognize you have done your best, let the local office on aging have the info you can share, and you could even update them of any changes in residence you may make, if you want. And then get on with your life. I doubt you will change any of your parents behaviors or personality issues.

If your parents are competent there is nothing you can do - many people are penny wise & pound foolish - where I live we get free flu shots which saves our health system between 2 & 3 billion a year in not using health services [hospital, dr app't, meds etc] but still some won't get their shot - legally you can't force anyone to seek medical treatment - stop giving input to them about their health as they never follow up anyway until they seek medical advice

We went through closely the same we had with my moter in law. She's now gone, but she didn't respond well to anything. I would take care of your family. This is priority. Prepare for your future after retirement. Look forward and look to the quality of your life. Mom and dad will do what they do. Give them advise or opinion when they call, but they have to live with their decisions. It's tough and can be heartbreaking. Don't feel that your insensitive. Your actions thus far doesn't suggest that you are.
Blessings

I sympathize with this question; my parents too were/are stubborn about their health. My father would not listen when I begged him to let me bring him a walker or cane; he kept falling and finally cracked his spine, landing in a nursing home, where he has lived for almost 2 years. Stubborn.
My mother is near deaf, severe memory loss, and will NOT listen. I have been to 2 audiologists only to have her return the hearing aids because she can’t stand to spend the money; I have gone to so many doctors that I can’t keep up, but she won’t listen. I finally understand that I cannot do anything, and I won’t be held hostage to her anymore. SHE has to live with the consequences of her inaction. SHE will be responsible for herself and I am absolved myself of the burden because it was affecting my health. I REGRET bringing her to my home to live. My privacy is gone, cant leave for extended periods of time, and spent so much time with her, my other relationships suffered. For what? So I have told her the first time she calls confused, she goes to assisted living. I am also thinking about selling my home just so I can get her out, because she won’t go to a condo where i am considering. I resent her for robbing me of my retirement. It wasn’t my plan to be a babysitter, and she does not care one bit. If you are looking for approval to walk away, then you need to do it. You ARE wasting your effort and time and it will affect your overall health and life. Said life is short, and your parents will NOT change. They are responsible for their decisions, so best of luck and good wishes to you.

If they are financially secure, and assuming that you are a healthcare surrogate for them, then I would tell them to hire somebody from in home agency such as Homestead Senior Care for the peace of mind. It is expensive, but they would make sure that their health is taken care of. They don’t have to have them all day, but the hours must be a least 2 to 4 a day of work. Usually, it’s $21/hour.

Take care and don’t get stressed.

Step away from the train wreck. You can’t force someone to do anything, even if you are right and it’s for their own good. Let your brother handle it. If they ask, tell them since they refuse to act on your suggestions, you aren’t giving your opinion.
It may make them see they are foolish but if it doesn’t, you are no further behind than you are now.

Johnc1, with the greatest respect to you, your question is essentially *identical* to the one you posted before. But that's okay: there's absolutely nothing wrong with turning things over and looking at them from different angles.

Your parents prefer to lean on you instead of planning and managing their later years properly and using the resources at their disposal. They are more interested in claiming your attention than in listening to your advice or actually dealing with the issues. You don't want to do the job - you're not even qualified to do the job or well able to cope with it - but you feel bad about walking away. It is a dilemma.

It is a dilemma that your brother has resolved by moving away and ignoring it.

What about... moving away, getting on with your life, and ignoring it except when your parents communicate real problems capable of real solution?

I wonder, too, if learning to resent having your time wasted might be helpful to you.

I would tell your parents, "I don't know what to tell you" the next time they ask your opinion. Move on with your life as it sounds like they'll never listen and their entitlement and stubbornness makes them great travel agents for guilt trips because 1. They are your parents and 2. They may never change. But you have to if you wish to be happy in your golden years with your wife. Good luck

In caring for my parents, I’ve seen more “bad medicine” than I ever believed possible.

As a caregiver in the day-to-day trenches attending every appointment, I saw tremendous amounts of self-referral, over-medication and even instances where unnecessary surgery was recommended. It was clear that some doctors lack knowledge, do not read drug interactions (or even allergies!) before prescribing and are frequently guessing. Not all the doctors, just some. Hopefully they are doing their best, but even that can be questionable.

I found a couple doctors I could trust, who admitted that many doctors are not trustworthy. One doctor urged me to take my mother out of the hospital, “she’ll get killed by these doctors if she stays,” she said. I wasn’t really physically ready to resume 24/7 care, but I listened and got her out immediately.

If my psrents would have gine to each any every referral, their “golden years” would have turned into “fluorescent” years, sitting on stained couches in dreary smelly waiting rooms, waiting to have yet another doctor add something useless to their drug cocktail.

At some point, they picked and chose their appointments. When I started caregiving, they went to each and every appointment at my insistence. After time, I saw they were right—I let them pick and choose again.

My parents were right. Even if your parents aren’t, this is their life and they should decide how they want to spend it. If you start going with them to every appointment, you may get a different perspective.

Your parents are adults and technically of sound mind.

It also sounds like they are their own worst enemies.

That is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Retire, relocate, and let their health be handled in the fashion they choose. You've tried; they don't care to avail themselves of your help.

Their lack of common sense does not make their looming health emergencies any of your concern.

Their choices have consequences. For them.

If you'd like a long-running story of how bad choices lead to bad outcomes, read the "I'm so disheartened and angry" thread. It's a tale of a family making poor choices and one woman's quest to regain her life by setting boundaries.

I can certainly relate to your situation. It's a tough place to be. What I have done is to join a local support group and talk to a counselor about it. I've decided to make arrangements to move on, after I make a last ditch effort to get them to accept help. I am not going to continue with their constant doctor visits, ER visits and yet refusal to comply with doctor's recommendations. I'm done. So, it might not be easy, but, I can't live on a roller coaster. I have to make my environment healthier for my mental state. As long as parents are competent. They are responsible for their own decisions. If silly brother wants to hurt matters, let them call him when they need help.

John, you have asked this question before and got 98 answers. What are you looking for that wasn't addressed in that other question?

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parent-wants-me-to-give-up-retirement-dream-and-care-for-them-while-refusing-to-discuss-thei-447098.htm

It comes down to, seems like even if you stayed around, your parents will do what they want. So, nothing you can do. You have to let them make their own decisions, good or bad. Do what you want, make your plans. Call Office of Aging and find out what resources are out there for them. Give parents the info. Call them regularly so you can hear any changes. If u do, call O of A for a well check. Visit as much as possible but enjoy ur retirement. They will not change and it gets worse with age.

Does anyone hold medical power of attorney? Not that will be of much help as long as they are considered competent. Until they are diagnosed with competency deficiencies they can make their own decisions even if we feel they are not rational. Guardianship has benefits, but also leads to disgruntled people. It does allow their medical to be forced upon then, but, as I said it causes issues in the family dynamic.
Take care of your own health issues as it seems right now, you don't have options for making your parents see the light. If they are too cheap for co pays as you suggest it is their decision. Been going through this for years with not only my Dad, but with mother in law. I hope you get resolve, but sometimes it is a matter of a real health scare that awakens the stubborn ones.