What do you do when elderly parent refuses needed care or legal considerations?

Annette, what a very difficult situation for all of you!

I take it there is some reason that your mom cannot give herself insulin?

What are your parents' finances like? Have they ever applied for Medicaid? That may be needed, if Dad is to go to a Nursing Home.

I suggest you do what I did when my husband was diagnosed with dementia. Call Social Services in your parent's county. Explain the situation and ask for an assessment of need. These people are experts at what is available, whether directly through the county or elsewhere in the community. They can help determine what your parents need help with, and how they may be able to get it. They've seen it all and they know what is available for a mother who can't give herself insulin to a father who refuses to bathe or to let someone into the house to help him bathe.

I wouldn't be surprised if their recommendation for Father turned out to be a Nursing Home. But I sure don't have a crystal ball and maybe they will have some other ideas.

The sooner you call them, the sooner solutions can be put in place.

I would like to have a woman stay with my mom 4-5 hours a day while my brother is at work but she said she doesn't want anyone in her house. She is 88-years old and walks with a cane. I asked her to wear a bracelet over her neck so she could press it should she fall but she refuses to wear that as well. My siblings and I are concerned for her safety. How do you address this common problem with seniors

frfff

as long as a senior is able to make a choice regarding their care in the state of california no one can force anything on them... believe me no social worker, no doctor, no in home care provider, family members especiallly most time their
motives are not pure anyone i have witnessed much senior abuse by relatives.. and that is sad God see's and hear everything we do or say.. when parents, or grandparents are mistreated God see's that and the person or persons will pay big time... and let us always remember karmar will come back to visit.. no one knows what will happen to them before they die.. so always treat others with love and compassion and most of all respect no matter what the problem is..my heart bled reading some of the post posted here.... my prayers are with you all /// just do the right thing.....look at your parents and see yourself because if you live to get their age you will be there too... and the way you treated them someone willl treat you worse.....love u uch reember God is watching from above.

I have the exact same problem. However, I have tossed my life aside the last couple years, and all I do is run back & forth and spend my good husband's money on helping mom past the bumps everywhere. But we know that we can't hold off a foreclosure in the future forever. We want her to be flown out of state to live with us. Yes, I am an only child and turning 60 next year.

sorry to hear about your situation. Is there anybody else she can talk to that's closer to her age. Let your mom know that for her safety she must be able to alert somebody for help, and the dr wants her to do that. many things you mentioned of your mom, my mom was the opposite. Her issue was that she was not eating and taking meds on time. Since I am her poa and healthcare , I just went ahead a made plans for somebody to come in. I hired a friend. I would say she would like to visit. Etc. I didn't ask my mom. I just did it. But then of course it wasn't anything she did not like. My mom enjoyed company. She lived by herself in a senior housing. I too was working and it was a piece of mind that somebody was going to look in on her. I reminded my mom, it's either here or at a nursing home. therefore she minded me to stay where it was comfortable. it's so hard to take your mom to the nursing home when she is not ready. I couldn't do it to my mom. I am glad now that I did what I was able to do before she did go to the nursing home. she fell in her apartment. Didn't break anything. Had her checked by the er dr. Soon after that she needed skilled care. Since then she has been in nursing home. Wheelchair bound, like most of the residents. I would have only placed her in a NH if she was not able to get around by herself with the walker. It's not the same Asher apartment, but it's a safe haven. The staff take good care of her. My mom will always complain. I know when she is complaining its normal for her. When she wasn't complaining she looked like she was dying.
The answer is out there for you my friend.
God bless you and your mom
Equinox

Annettemema: How is it working out with Social Services, Medicaid and In-Home support in your state? The governors seem to be pulling out funding in many states but the future is unsure. It sounds like your elders have a good chance at In Home support.

Ok here it goes, didn't think I would ever post anything like this. My father has since passed and my Mom who never one to ever to charge of anything and my father took care of everything. I took charge when he was sick and the aftermath of getting her to a point of I thought she would be Ok. She has never been a good housekeeper but just this weekend I went to see her (I move further away a year ago) I had a feeling something was wrong and there was. She doesn't cook anymore so I brought some food, a over a care package and I still thought she cooked some but the fridge was packed to the max of old food that was mold with black and green. It took me two hours to clean and throw out 2 trash bags of harley eaten taken out, 10 bags of trash becasue she doesn't take the trash out. She was sick for several days, fallen with a baseball size bruise on the forehead and didn't let me know. I preceeded to check on her, make some calls to help with repairs on the apartment (she doesn't want anyone around) told her she can't live like this anymore and I would help ( was firm but trying to be nice) She told me it was none of my buisness and not to take over. When I reminder her that she has been falling that she could break a hip she said to me "is that what I want" I am so devasted and hurt. I work in long term care and want to help my mother but she is refusing me on all levels. She refused to make out living will, power of attorney ect. My sister and I do not get along and Mum seems to go along with she says even though she is not assisting her on any level.
I don't know what to do at this point how do you help someone who is stubbord is of sound mind (depressed her whole life) how do I asked the doctors office to talk to her and hope that helps. I am sad that my mother seems to almost hate me for trying to help her.
Any advice

my disabled brother (paralysis on right side) has been living with our mother for his whole life, he is now 48 and mom is 74. In the beginning she was taking care of him, then it turned to him taking care of her. It's gotten REALLY bad as they have been hoarders for 27 years. Mom has not done much about getting out of bed and moving around for 5 or so years. About a month ago mom has become incontinent, brother helps her to the bathroom (she can't walk and he can't carry) then back to bed. She won't go to the hospital, I live far away and she wants to stay in that state. Her doctor will not talk to her on the phone as he doesn't take patient calls. The main question is mom owns house, if she goes into a facility what will happen to brother who has taken care of her 24/7 for years, will he have to leave the house so that can help supplement mom? He is mentally ill and was never properly diagnosed and needs to stay in the house or get some type of permanent rehabilitative care himself. very worried .. suggestions?

my disabled brother (paralysis on right side) has been living with our mother for his whole life, he is now 48 and mom is 74. In the beginning she was taking care of him, then it turned to him taking care of her. It's gotten REALLY bad as they have been hoarders for 27 years. Mom has not done much about getting out of bed and moving around for 5 or so years. About a month ago mom has become incontinent, brother helps her to the bathroom (she can't walk and he can't carry) then back to bed. She won't go to the hospital, I live far away and she wants to stay in that state. Her doctor will not talk to her on the phone as he doesn't take patient calls. The main question is mom owns house, if she goes into a facility what will happen to brother who has taken care of her 24/7 for years, will he have to leave the house so that can help supplement mom? He is mentally ill and was never properly diagnosed and needs to stay in the house or get some type of permanent rehabilitative care himself. suggestions??

Barbie, you'll need to consult and elder law attorney, but more than likely if your mother goes on Medicaid she can give the house to your brother, since he has been living there and caring for her for more than two years. But she won't be able to pay for the upkeep of the house, taxes, insurance, etc. What kind of income does your brother have?

I will contact an elder lawyer. My brother gets a very small amount from SSi. I am sure it would not be enough to continue the house. I do think she has Medicare or Medicaid already. Thank you !

Do you know how I can go about looking getting one of those beds that goes up and down like a hospital bed? They are thinking this will help.

Have you and your mother talked about what her advance directives are? In other words, how does she see all this playing out? Maybe she wants to live independently until she goes to a hospital and is not interested in any interim situation. If this is the case, she may be poorly informed about what her options might be. If your mother has money.... There are some really nice assisted living facilities that may meet her needs for the time being. They can be pricey but not as bad as they sound when you factor in what services are included. If she doesn't have the money for one of the nicer places, then you need to listen hard to what she is saying she wants and explain that her refusal of the interim assistance will cause her to end up someplace worse.
Too bad. I admire your knowing and setting your limits. Good for you.

I am having the same problem. I am an only kid and married, but at our age there are no children involved anymore. I wonder where this will be taking us. My husband is patient as I live most of the year 1,500 miles away. People keep saying I can get paid but the Mom (88) is still $2,000 over the Medicaid limit. I have 0 income over the last 3 years on my annual social security report, which needless to say does not help my own social security outlook.

I would also like to add that I have looked for advice from law school students (who meet at the Doctor's office every week) about this matter. No answers.

In Texas my experience has been that the elderly person has to be hospitalized for 3 days before they can be admitted into a nursing home!!!

My mother has end stage renal disease, congestive heart failure, COPD, diabetes, an eliostomy, cataracts on both eyes, degenerative disc disease, a-fib w. pacemaker, defibrillator, and has had pneumonia 7 times in 7 months with hospitalizations each time. Now, she is currently in the hospital and they are wanting to send her home. She was also in a nursing home for therapy before this last hospitalization. She has fell & broke her pelvic bone, this was one of several falls in the last few years; all resulting in broken bones & rehab. facilities after.(Six stays to be exact.) I have just about had it. She does not have round the clock care at home. Please help?

JennyGC: There are 13 stairs up to my mom's front door and thirteen steps down to an empty garage where the trash cans are stored. My mom has a hip prothesis and spine problems and continual laser treatments on the eyes. She also refuses any outside help. I am suffering having to live with her (getting infections, etc.) They have an answering tape on the elder abuse hotline. If we leave our elders, is that elder abuse? I feel like a traitor if I go to an elder abuse lawyer.

Unless you have legal guardianship of your mom you cannot be held accountable for neglect. Professionals have not declared her incompetent, so legally she is responsible for herself. Forcing a competent elderly to your wishes could be deemed coersion which is considered a form of elder abuse. Take care of yourself and if you can afford it seek legal advise about this situation.

my husband has nph but is stable after a shunt,now in rehab and wants to know can he leave without a docters permission, does it effect his insurence, he is 82

sounds like my mom

Wow! Life happens fast, and you never realize when it's your time to try and take over. But I have realized that sometimes you have to let nature take its course one day at a time. My Dad is a nasty old cuss and has always been very difficult to deal with. Mom (a saint) is the primary care giver, but is wilting under the relentless load. Dad began going down hill about 2 1/2 years ago, but the progression has sped up greatly over the past 3 months into 2013. He's refused his doctor appointments over the past 6 months, and has lost a great deal of weight from refusal to eat. His Dr says there is nothing anyone can do right now, but to continue to try our best to make him comfortable, and to just wait. He has refused all medical care, though seems to take his meds each day. He is barely able to get up to the bathroom, and has fallen so many times, and is unable to get himself up again, the local rescue squad have become his best friends. Though he can converse and appears fully competent, his paranoia has increased steadily with his mild dementia, and he is rightly concerned we may have to forcefully place him in care. I personally hope, his wish for dying peacefully at home, comes before we have to forcefully move him due to injury or illness. We all do our best to take care of those we love, but know it is not neglect on our part, when they are stubbornly refusing our care. My only concern now is for my mom, that she is not injured caring for dad, and that she will be able to enjoy life awhile longer when this all passes.

Wow again! It is good that I found this site. I was looking for answers to a similar problem on the web when I found these postings. I did not know that so many people were going through what I was going through. I have a father with Alzheimer’s and a mother with severe emotional problems. Both are in their 80s. My mother is home bound and my father no longer drives. Their house is filled with junk from the basement to the second floor. It’s filled with junk to the ceiling in some places. My mother refuses to get rid of anything. Although my mother has serious problems she is a master manipulator. They let no one in the house. And if someone sees the inside and comments (like an ambulance technician) my mother hires someone temporarily and then dismisses them after people have seen the cleaner in the house. My mother had convinced my cousin that I was mistreating them. I tried to explain the situation to my cousin beforehand but she did not believe me. My cousin, a kind and caring Christian, tried to intervene with them but eventually lost patience and gave up. My cousin does understand now. At least someone understands. I feel sorry for my father and my mother but until they hit bottom I don’t see what I can do. I have a very demanding job that I cannot afford to jeopardize. I am willing to help manage their affairs but am not in a position to care for them personally. And yes, I get calls at 10 pm from my mother asking me to run some errands for her. I have to be up at 3 am to go to work. And yes, I too am the only remaining child. My mother can become verbally abusive and very nasty at times. Sometimes I get phone calls in the middle of the night and hear her rant and rave about something and I have no idea what she is talking about. I now have an answering machine, with the sound turned down and the ringer off so I can get some sleep. However, my parents can become very clever and benign when talking to their PCP, neighbors, nurses, and even emergency care workers. They both refuse to give me any information concerning wills or even what medication that they are taking. The doctors wanted to put my mother in an assisted living facility but she refuses. I am not insensitive to the difficulties of growing old. I’m no young man myself. But I have no clue what to do. Although I have learned a great deal by reading all the postings, the consensus appears to be to wait until some catastrophic event occurs that proves to the legal and medical community that they can really no longer function on their own. That is very sad.

I am just getting started on a similar situation. Mom lives 2 hours away, alone in her own home. My brother, who lives near her, is joint POA, and does not get around to fixing up her place, spending enough time with her, just seems to think the whole problem will just go away, doesn't speak to me, considers me a busy body, etc. She has extreme difficulty getting out of a chair because of pain from arthritis, I don't know how she bathes, but she is incontinent and the house smells, she's never had a dryer, my brother was supposed to get her one about seven years ago, and the place is dusty, dirty and in need of maintenance. When I last visited, she was acting out of sorts, just not the
"has it all together" person she always was. There were lots of red flags that things were not going well. I managed to get her doctor's name off medicine bottles (she would not tell me), and talked to him after faxing him the Durable Medical POA that she was supposed to give him. He told me he did not think she should be living alone anymore. I mentioned that her sister died 2 months ago and she seems depressed, he said he would do a mental evaluation at their next appointment this month and would not mention speaking with me. He would then call me and give me his opinion, which may include him contacting a visiting nurse to assess her living situation and possibly work with the county aging office, which I can't do without her consent, to look at possible caregiving solutions.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, where there was abuse but we never talked about it. By going to her doctor, I broke the golden rule. I have to live with that guilt and the crap that I am going to get from my brother, who may have to wake up and start paying some attention to her finances, etc.
Fortunately, her doctor seems to understand my dilemma and is keeping me in the background. I don't know what will happen from here, but it will not be easy. Thanks everyone for the support.

my 83 yr old mom does not want to do colonoscopy. she has had some anima.
she wants to die whats ever inside her. I want to say ok its your life. BUT MY BROTHER WANTS HER TO DO WHAT DR WANTS .WHAT DO WE DO?

Put them in a wheelchair gag them then wheel them to doc and lawyer and get it all done there and then. Then wheel them home and make them dinner!!!!!!!!!!! sorry but having a very bad day and same problems like you! feel like doing this after the day ive had.
She wont go to doc for flu jab,she wont see lawyer about POA,she wont go for walk,wont eat healthy foods someone shoot me!

My mum wanted to go in a care home when when was capable of independent living. She need help with some care for herself. she went out in a taxi everyday to morrisons cafe for her hot chocolate and a cake.... And she kept wanted to live in a home by the way she never did.... used to stay in one now and again and pay her own fees. She lived in sheltered housing she had some good friends there who would have done anything for her. She withdrew from all activities. went to morrisons and would not bother with anyone even me at times..... As she wanted to go in a home. The authorities had never come across anything like it..... why would anyone want to give up everything they had worked for when there was no need.

Your mother might know what is better for her than you do. She sounds like a very strong woman and could be hiding things from you so as not to have you worry. Independent Living in a home still makes you responsible for yourself, but you dont have to cook, clean and can have laundry done.. kind of like a hotel. If she can afford it, let her go. I work in an independent home and people do not have to have special care to move in. She just may be tired of doing for herself and doesnt want to bother you to do it. Your problem is exact opposit of what is usually posted. I wish my mother parents would consider this, but they wont and they are 90 years old. Mom with dementia and dad trying to care for her. So, if she has the money, so be it. Some times children dont want them to go because it will use up all the money ...

thanks for that.... but she can not afford it.... She never wanted to put on me with being an only child... I know some would think of the money... I don't... as she has not any.... she has good friends in the sheltered housing where she lives who would do anything for her..... I can see your point and it has helped what you say....

if she could afford it then there would not be a problem.... as my mum has always been strong-willed..... it is turning out that she was hiding something from everyone.... there was one friend she would sometime tell things before me who she had known for 50 years and they have said the same she is hiding something....