I am in a real pickle. My mom has been told by her doctor, and most recently by an emergency room doctor, that she needs to be living in a facility that provides some level of care or in a living situation that does not involve having to climb 2 flights of stairs. Since her hospitalization in June, Visiting Nurses has provided care in her home, and she has been considered homebound. In any case, my mom will NOT agree to do anything (set up care with someone else for when they leave) or make arrangements to have various things done (groceries, laundry, taking out trash, etc. Her nurse, her social worker, me ... we're all broken records and she won't listen. She hung up on me Monday because I was telling her something she didn't want to hear re: hiring help to get to one of her doctor's appointments or risk a fall (which could negatively impact her independence and land her in a nursing home--which she doesn't want).
The nurse told me today that they have never run into a situation like this where someone just absolutely refuses help or is this stubborn. My mom is of sound mind, but is making decisions (as I've pointed out to her) that don't support the independence she still wants. She keeps saying she won't go into a nursing home. I am an only child, not married, and there is no other family on her side to help. I'm it. And it is not an option for her to move in with me or near me. Her needs exceed my ability to meet them, and I know what my limits are. I am willing to help, provide information, facilitate care, etc. but I am unable and unwilling to take on full-time caregiving in this situation.
So my question is twofold:
1) How would you handle this situation? And if you have had to deal with it, did you have to do to get your stubborn parent to take the right action?
2) At what point would a situation be considered neglect (by an adult child) under the law if they are aware of the unsafe situation, but the senior refuses to do anything on their own behalf or spend their money to make needed changes.
I'm at my wit's end and at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do!!!!
POA -- my mom finally admitted she had one and showed me; but you can't do anything with that unless they are incapacitated and can't make their own decisions -- that is decided by doctors, judge, psychologists, etc -- NOT YOU so you are still at their mercy. It took several years of discussion and then several months once my father passed to get my mother to get a POA and also go to the banks and get a POD (payable on death) so you can access their bank accounts when the last parent dies and take care of bills, funeral expenses, etc. while the estate is settled.
My mother wouldn't even tell me the attorney where she had the will. We had to get tough and I told her if she wouldn't reveal; I wasn't wasting time trying to call every attorney in her town to figure out who had the will and if she wanted it this way, then I would walk away and let everything go to the state and her wishes would not be carried out. That got her attention and at least now I have the name and number for the attorney.
Our parents are mean, they just don't want to relinquish their independence or think about death -- but we can all learn from this, not to do this to our own children and stress them out.
My in-laws are completely opposite -- they have everything in order for several years now and have given us copies of everything. They also have long term care.
My mom lives alone and my brother has given up and won't even call the last two months; so falling on me. I call to check on her and she "can be coherent" but mostly is living in a "dream state". I worry and want to give her help but she refuses any outside help whatsoever. She hasn't left the house in 8 months (other than my brief visits) and I worry she is not getting groceries, eating, etc. No friends are calling or visiting her anymore. I fear the isolation (self induced as she can drive) is increasing her paranoia and craziness -- and therefore inability to care for herself and live independently. I have called outside services - ElderCare ombudsman type persons but they warned they can't help if she isn't receptive to allowing them to come in and provide services. She too won't consider moving to senior living or assisted facility near me or in her hometown.
I just want you to know, I empathize with you and I'm coping by knowing I've communicated options and she freely refuses. (When do you know if they are still cognizant to make their own decisions and when you can successfully step in and do what is in their best interest?)
Would "foster grandson" be more accurate? Does it matter?
I can see why she might want him considered a "relative." If there is some event that residents can invite family to, she might want to include him. I can see why he might want to honor her by proudly calling her Gramma and saying he is her grandson. I"m having a harder time seeing why this bothers you. It doesn't have anything to do with inheritance or POA rights or anything else legal, as far as I can see. So, the problem is ... ? Maybe there is some aspect of this you haven't mentioned.
Neither of my biological children have children. All of my step children have children. When asked, I say I have 12 grandchildren. When they greet me or introduce me they call m Grandma. Techincally, this is not true. But what would the benefit be of me saying I have 12 step-grandchildren, or of them introducing me as their step-grandmother? The nature of our relationship is definitely grandparent/grandchild. I would certainly list all 12 of them as my relatives if filling out a form for a nursing home. There is more than one kind of truth.
What am I missing in this picture?
Just what is she supposed to decide?
I would give anything to have known what I know now ... two years ago. Unfortunately, this is a "trial by fire" journey. As much as we can "join their journey" ... who joins our journey? I found this blog tonight as I was furiously trying to peel away another layer & my heart was breaking as I read EVERY post and at the same time I could relate to EVERY post (except for the one questioning motives).
While we were working to probate my neighbor's (the husband), I cannot tell you how many times she sat there & asked, "Why couldn't I have died first?" This was heart wrenching. This couple meant the world to each other & though his health was in decline, he did not have to pass away when he did. Unlike most of you, I am not the family member, so I feel like I am getting a trial run for when it is my turn to deal with this for my mother. I had no idea when she asked for my help that I would wind up here, but her mind went downhill so quickly, it all happened so fast ... here I am. I would not change a thing except to maybe have advocated for his children to step in earlier. It is tricky as a neighbor, on the one hand you hope to live in a community where people notice if something is "wrong" & at the same time you want to respect other people's business. Many times over the last 7 years ago a few of us have asked one another, "Where are his children?!?" But we never asked them, we would never have wanted to insult them.
I am not a medical professional, but it is my very strong suspicion, that if they had moved into an assisted living facility 10 years ago, despite his failing health, he would still be alive & she would have a social support system in place so that when he did pass, she would not be alone.
In the first year, my neighbor had 3 trips to the hospital, but she was still "fine" to be at home. I was beginning the research of assisted living merely from a financial standpoint, but could never get her to visit any place with me. Since changing doctors & improving her care, there have been no trips to the hospital in the last 9 months ... and here in lies my problem! If I had known last June what I know now, I would have scoured this town to find any room available & we would not have returned home from the hospital.
I began part-time home care help in November 2010 when I realized just how much I was doing on a daily basis & that I was going out of town for Thanksgiving and there was nobody to be "me" while I was gone. This was met with the same resistance that assisted living was & is being met with, but she immediately loved the company & they were getting her out of the house. After an incident where she accidentally drank bleach, the part-time care was upped to 7 days/week, but no overnights. After the last hospital stay it was suggested that I set up a baby monitor to hear her across the driveway in case she fell or had an "accident" in the middle of the night. I was driving home considering this "care option" and decided that that was not an option worth considering. So, 24/7 care was set up just while she convalesced from the hospital & the plan was to go back to 7 days/week when she got "better" ... well, we never left 24/7 care. It is not safe for her to be left alone. The total cost for care in 2011 was $105,000.
When the 24/7 care began I let the service know that this was not a level of care that could be sustained long-term, but that with some life insurance & a CD cashed in we could make ends meet until the end of the year. Ever since I informed them that the move to assisted living was imminent, they have tried to come up with alternative plans allowing her to stay in her home. I understand that this is a huge hit off their bottom line, $10,000/mo is nothing to sneeze at in this economy, but I was honest & upfront with them from the beginning.
What has me searching the internet tonight is help on potential personal liability. They informed me that they attended a conference today & learned "new things" and that my neighbor could make things difficult for me if she has not been officially declared incompetent. I have not had her officially declared incompetent because I have wanted to spare her that last indecency & it has not been necessary (I am both her Durable POA as well as the POA for Healthcare). She is scheduled to move on Wednesday & now I am going to get to spend my weekend researching yet another layer of this onion called "senior care". The thought of having to reduce her care & run the risk of her getting hurt just to achieve another level of care is ridiculous to me, yet that is how the system islet up to work. I would feel horrible if she fell & got hurt, or worse, just to save the cost of overnight care.
My advice to anyone & everyone reading this steam of posts is to talk to everyone you know & tell them to talk to their friends & relatives NOW while healthy & set the plans in motion. It is not a fun or easy discussion to have, but it is a lot more fun to have it while we can advocate for our own care. EVERYONE I know knows someone who has gone through what we are going through & NOBODY wants to go through that (or put anyone else through it) ... yet, somehow we all get there because we all get older. My family sat down a few years ago & put together a care plan for my mother for "when it was time" ... based on what I have lived through for the last two years, I am recommending we sit down & re-evaluate that plan with my mother.
I am concerned about the not being able to "force" anyone to go if they are opposed to moving ... has anyone successfully navigated these waters since this communication stream began?
PS - the VA benefits are amazing, though tricky to navigate, my neighbor is eligible because she is the spouse of a veteran & I knew nothing about them in the beginning.
It's nice to have a forum to share with & learn from one another!
If your mom refuses to get out of bed and refuses to eat, she will get weaker and weaker and die. Perhaps that is her plan. Perhaps that is why she will not see a doctor or take her meds. Aside from her own actions, is she near the end of life? Have you ever had a discussion with her regarding her beliefs and attitudes toward end-of-life issues? Would she be eligible for Hospice?
You say that she "is confused." It is likely she has dementia? Adults who are in their right minds can make decisions for themselves, even if we consider the decisions to be self-destructive. But generally we want to protect our loved ones from their own bad decisions if they are truly not competent to act in their own best interests. So an important judgment has to be made regarding your mother's mental status. And having some input from medical professionals would sure be valuable! I wonder if you talk to her doctor if he or she might order a few nurse visits to try to determine what is going on. Talking to a case worker from Social Services might be a useful place to start also.
My heart goes out to you. What you are facing is very painful.
up all night sleeps odd times refuses to get up off the couch eat bathe. and very mean to me and my mother and siblings. Almost scares us at some point. Refuses to let anyone in the house I can go on and on. Problem is my mother is a diabetic who has insulin twice a day;..My dad used to give it to her in the am but no more... He messes up big time. I am so afraid someone is gonna get hurt and dont know where to turn. Insurance dont cover someone coming to give insulin and we can t be there everyday. what to do with mom 85 and father. whose losing it? where will he have to go? Please any help Iam desperate