If mom agrees it would be best to move to a retirement facility in one of the cities where three of us live. How do we convince/force our dad to agree to it? He has had two strokes in the last 10 years and is still very functional but stubborn and adamant about not moving.
If your dad is stubbornly refusing to consider his wife’s needs besides his own I would have a chat with his doctor about the situation. The doctors medical view can be used if your dad is not prepared to listen to his family.
It sounds like your mum could genuinely use a break. If there aren’t the services there - could your dad go into short term respite care elsewhere? Again that’s something his doctor could discuss with you. If would then give you time to help your mum decide what she needs without interference
yes your dad will not like the changes - which is why you want the doctors medical opinion as the reason why implemented.
Personally I had to step in and tell my parents the changes that were happening as of now! There was no can we / do you think - it was a this is happening, I also had to be the one to tell my uncle that he was no longer able to do finances etc with me (I was doing it and letting him “check” after!) that the doctor had decided the POA was to be implemented as he had deemed him mentally incompetent. I also had the “fun” of informing him he was moving to a nursing home later. Despite it was the POA’s responsibility. Yes he got argumentative, then cried - but he got far better care in the nursing home than I could provide.
I hope you can resolve it with his doctors help and get them both the help they need closer to you.
Do any of you know what their financial means are? This will be pivotal in their options for future care. I think your mom is in the best position to "reason" with him and put the gentle pressure on. But you can "feed" her info and words to say. If she doesn't make any progress with him then you will need to do Plan B, which will probably be you & siblings having a family meeting for a serious discussion. Honestly, you can just print out page after page of the chaos, depression, crisis, burnout from this forum and have your dad read them. I can't believe that won't move the needle.
While your mom is at her doc appt she should get a cognitive test as a baseline, and check for a UTI because they can be undetected in the elderly and cause dementia-like symptoms. Can be cleared up with antibiotics. You or one of your siblings should be named on mom's and dad's HIPAA release so you can get and give medical info for them with each doctor they see. Peace and blessings to you.
Is there an impartial person who can discuss this with them. Children tend to be blocked out.
I live in a small town with no services and see how it is a big deal as people get older. My 76 yo mom lives with us and while I would hate to sell and move to the city, I can see how it would make her life easier and mine as a caregiver.
Tell us more and you can get more and better advice.