Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them, while refusing to discuss their health plans.

Dear Johnc1,
I am now 59 and was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 3 yrs ago. My mother was the victim of medical malpractice and died six weeks before her 51st birthday. I flew to the city she and my stepfather lived in and had 7 minutes talking with her and all she was talking about was all of the things she and my stepfather were going to do when they retired. There was an 11 yr age difference between the two of them and they were planning on retiring 1 yr after she died.

My stepfather waited 2 yrs from the time she died and sent a letter to all 9 of us kids and said we had 18mos, to come home and collect boxes of memorabilia he had sorted out for each of us and take anything else we wanted from their home for ourselves, after 18mos, he was selling their house and moving away. Yes, we'd be welcome to visit him in the town he was moving to along with our families, but he was going to get on with life and he did. He went on to live another 35yrs when he died of ALZ disease.

Lesson to be learned. Do not allow your parents to hold you hostage and keep you from retiring and doing what you and your DW want to do. I have imparted this wisdom on our adult children so they don't think they need to stay in the Metropolitan Area that we live in. They've been told to finish their education and pursue their dreams, get married, and concentrate on their own families. The fly in our ointment is we have a 12yr old Special Needs child, that we have to take in to consideration. Still we remain focused on enjoying the time we have to share with each other, in particular traveling with what time I have left to do that.

I have told my DW who is 8yrs younger than me, when it is time for me to go to AL/MC put me in a home 100mi from where we live and get on with life. I don't want her or any of our children, to be focusing on me, when I don't remember them, or will not remember them visiting me. I don't want them being consumed feeling that I have to remain the center of their life. We've had a great 25 yrs combing our 2yrs dating with almost 23yrs of being married.

The time has come for you and your DW to realize some very special dreams of your own, you've worked hard to get there. Enjoy it while you can. Never put off to tomorrow, what you can do today.

Happy Friday, I too am John

Dear Johnc1,
I have not read any of the other responses. I just logged on to give you the advise that I have gotten from many, including professionals, this week. DON'T DO IT!.
You have worked hard your entire life and deserve to have a happy, healthy retirement. If you take on your secretive, self-centered parents your life will become a living hell.
I retired 4 years years ago and have been the sole caregiver for my mom. She lives independently but is requiring more assistance. At 89 years old she fell a couple of weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. After 7 days in rehab her insurance company decided that this 89 year old woman was improved enough to move back home on her own, with assistance. The assistance will consist of a visiting nurse and pt/ot. She's been home since Tuesday and the agency finally sent a nurse to do an eval today. PT will evaluate next week. In the meantime she has lost the strength she gained in rehab. We are having to go there 5 times a day to make sure she is up, eating, washed, dressed and taking her meds. All of which she fights tooth and nail despite the promises she made before coming home.
The reason I tell you this long story is because this is what you will face, times two. Your life will no longer be your own. Your marriage will become strained. My mom is a master manipulator and selfish as they come. The difference is that I do know her health issues, needs, long term plan and financials.
You're going into this blind.
Love your parents, get them care. But do not take this on yourself. Please enjoy your retirement. Be healthy, relaxed and guiltfree.
Good luck!

John,
It sounds like a no win situation no matter what you do so why not do what YOU want?
I suggest you start putting in place all that they will need to live apart from you. Set up a video chat system for them, gather up the documents you need them to sign so you can be informed of their health conditions, get power of attorney forms so you can assist with financial problems if they need it, and find some type of liaison to check on them.
When you present the forms to them to sign they will have to address their future needs or you won’t be able to be much help. This would be true even if you lived next door.
If they still refuse to discuss things candidly, well, you gave them their opportunity, didn’t you?
There probably Is not much time left to have lucid discussions. Sorry, but it’s true. How can you be much help if they are not open with you?
You need to RUN away before they have a chance to snare you in their trap.
Charlotte

Live your life! I made the mistake of quitting a job i loved and moving across country when my father kept saying he needed me. One thing after the next health issues with him, then 8 years of progressive Alzheimer's with mom. 15 years of my life gone, finances gone! They both recently died but because my sister had my parents will, etc and wouldn't give them to my dad he couldn't remember he had POA because they'd been done so many years before therefore when my dad tried to quit claim the house to me he couldn't. Only could do will with survivor clause. Of course I had to file for early social security and am at poverty level for so much lost income, have health issues due to constant stress of caring for my parents, and now my sister magically found the documents she "thought" she had a copy of and in less than 3 months has already filed original quit claim and wants to know how much money she's going to get while I want a chance to heal and figure out how to survive! Never ever give up your life for your parents unless they legally put everything in place before hand and make sure they have $ to care for themselves and all their wishes in writing.....especially if you have any siblings. I not only destroyed my life caring for my parents but my future as well! Don't do it!

My husband and I put off what we wanted to do in order to look after my father He was 79. In the end we just did what we wanted. Dad was placed in a retirement village near all services. Organised low cost transportation for his doctor appointments and the government gave him a cleaner for one hour once a week. I was contacted by phone. He then had to go into permanent care and we moved to another state. Can’t deny it was probably one of the worst times of my life. Selling his unit, getting rid of his stuff, dealing with lawyers while dealing with sick husband. Nightmare. However it has to be done. Being in full time care was a great relief to me. So you should just go and do what you want. You are not getting any younger and, like me, You never know what’s around the corner

PLEASE listen! I am 65, female, single, lost my husband years ago to cancer. My 93 y.o. mother is living with me and all things considered is in really great health. She is NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) which gives the same symptoms you describe, but for the most part we get along. Luckily I am still working and in a job that is all-consuming that I do not have time or inclination for a personal life of my own. Which goes well with a mother who has made clear in no uncertain terms that she would not want anyone (A MAN) living with us.... now keep in mind she is in my home for the last almost 2 years, and as I said, we manage fairly well most of the time. She constantly defers to "going back to her home" ( 3 hours away) to live but has no support system and that just cannot happen.

Just last week, she refused to go out for dinner, I'd had a rough day, and absolutely did not feel like going home right after work and went to my favorite local restaurant downtown and since I was alone sat at the bar to have a drink and eat. Imagine my surprise when there was a really nice gentleman sat next to me, and we had a wonderful conversation. I kinda hope in the future he may be there and I go again and we talk... again. Kinda gives me a hope there IS a future for me... all in all, I am young.

SO, my advice to you...... you ask :). DO ABSOLUTELY NOT let your parents guilt you into caring for them in their later years. You are married and have the potential of a wonderful golden years retirement ahead...... that's what my husband and I had planned in our 40's but he died. IF I HAD THE CHANCE AGAIN, I would go with him somewhere new to live and retire in a minute. I love my mother, but she has lived 93 and dr. informs me she easily could have another 15 years! I am NOT going to give up my life. I hope close down the road for my job to have an easier breathing room and make a personal life for myself. You and your wife already have that and are both together and alive! Celebrate that and have a wonderful life! You can always fly back to visit, but don't give up your life. Your parents can receive good care on their own and when needed go to ALF or NH.

Luckily, I have a strong personality and there was NO WAY I was going back to my mom's hometown to live, there was nothing there I wanted.

Under no uncertain terms should you cave to their wishes. I just witnessed my 80 & 85 yearold inlaws, care for grandma who is over 100 and still going. After 8 years of back breaking work, the inlaws finally got other family members (a huge group, so the burden is shared) to take grandma so they could FINALLY enjoy their time together. Unfortunately, my father in law was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and it has been a long, slow painful death. So, MIL and FIL NEVER had a chance to enjoy a little time together, without caring for children, parents, etc.

I would NEVER expect my children to have to care for me, especially if I were unwilling to discuss my finances, etc., with them. Your parents/brother can deal with the situation as things come up, and believe me, they will.

Do not let guilt mess with you and the plans you have with your wife. Guilt is a wasted emotion, much like worry.

God Bless and enjoy your "Golden Years".

Bottom line question is to you. If you move away can you live with the guilt. Parents calling you crying etc... Also your wife has she been expecting the dream when you both retired of moving, enjoying retirement & now is she thinking that won't happen. You need to think how are you going to feel and talk to your wife. No one can tell you what to do everyone is different. Depending where they live, you could set up to have groceries delivered, driver for appts etc.. but if they are not willing to accept help you have to let it go & if you move, just remember it will be what it will be. Deal with anything as it comes. I understand because we moved 12 hrs away in another state. Things happened to my mom falls, broken ankle, rehab, skilled nursing long term all I dealt with. I wasn't at my home for months. Still now I go back every 6-8 weeks. My In-laws
They don't want to do anything to make it easier for them in their home so that will be what it will be deal with it when or if anything happens. It's hard I feel for you it's not an easy journey. Just be honest with yourself.

Why not tell them to relocate to the area where you will be moving?

I think there is a very simple answer here and I pray you heed what I am going to say. The parents have always been secretive and never wanted to discuss or plan what was going to happen with them in the future - VERY BAD SITUATION. I know many people do this and there simply is NO EXCUSE for such stupidity and lack of appropriate action. And if people like these parents manipulate others, and obviously have "self-interest" problems, and dementia, that is all the more reason to stop and take a hard look at what they have NOT done - they did not discuss or prepare for their ultimate future. On the other hand you have worked very hard and are in the enviable position of now wanting to life life - MY GOD........THEN DO IT - NOW! These people are in their 90's and have never discussed or made plans for their old age and expect YOU to take care of them. You can counsel them, you can oversee things for them, you can emotionally support them, etc. BUT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO CARE FOR THEM IN VIEW OF WHAT THEY DID NOT DO. If they are financially secure, let them get caretakers or go into a facility where they will be cared for. YOU NEED TO LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW - IT IS YOUR TURN NOW. They lived their lives. Do not wait. Take responsibility and tell them what you are going to do and do it. Give them perhaps a couple of months notice and start providing information as to what/where they could/should go. BUT DO NOT TAKE ON THIS RESPONSIBILITY. Parents like that do NOT deserve that help from you. They are very selfish and don't care about anything except what they want.

You should not do this. It's not your responsibility.

Your prioirty is your wife.

As the wife, in a similar situation, follow you and your wife’s dreams. My FIL has died. My MIL, now unable to drive continues to live in a remote rural house with a large property, 5 miles away. My ILs had very few friends. They have looked to my husband and me to be not only their, caregiver, but their social support, maintainance man and gardener. I see the manipulation and it makes me angry. My FIL showed love according to what you did and not for who you are. After be me the personal caregiver of my FIL, did I get to know him, and the horrible family dynamics. I saw my husband trying to earn his fathers love and approval (that is how I ended up being my FIl’s ‘nurse’) and now he is acting on pitty for his mom, who plays the victim. The siblings are divided by the parental manipulation. I have said to my husband about the dynamics and he recognizes it, but can not seem to change. It has really stressed our family. I feel resentment. My parents have major health issues (ALZ and CHF) too. I give more time to my ILs than them. I realize that I myself have fallen into the manipulation as I want to be supportive of my husband. We have neglected friends, our home and at times ourselves; and it has negatively impacted our happiness and future. When you married you voted to put your wife first. I don’t see the future that my husband hopes for ever happening, because we are starting to have health issues.

I wouldn't turn my back on them. But I wouldn't give up my life to take care of them either. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Live your life for your wife. She is your number one priority, not your parents. Your wife took no vows regarding her in-laws. Your parents have their life which they don't consult you about, right? Guilt there will surely be but you owe your wife the life you promised each other. We are 72. My wife and I have a beach house we have owned for 11 years. My wife had always wanted a house at the beach. Every Spring my mother knows we are going to go to that beach house as much as we can for the whole Summer. We are an hour and a half away instead of 10 minutes. Mom hates it. But I can't live her life for her or let her control mine and I can't bring back my dad. She is safe and warm, looked after 24x7 by trained staff in a nice AL. I still feel guilty and get mad at myself for my feelings. It is what it is, just do it. If your parents get in a jam you will help them, it's enough.

AS OTHERS HAVE STATED, YOUR FIRST OBLIGATION IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR WIFE AND YOURSELF. IY IS UNREASONABLE FOR YOUR PARENTS TO EXPECT YOU TO LIVE ONLY FOR THEIR NEEDS, SIY DOWN AND TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS REASONABLE FOR YOUAND WHAT YOU CAN REASONABLY DO FOR THEM. YES, HELPING ONE'S PARENTS IS IMPORTANT, BUT ONLY WITHIN THE SCOPE OF YOUR OWN SITUATION. WHAT IS THE SITUATION WITH YOR WIFE'S PARENTS? IF YOUR BROTHER WON'T HELP, THAT IS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS.

WORK OUT WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO - VISITS, TELE.CALLS; AND LET YOUR PARENTS KNOW YOUR PLANS. IT MAY BE HELPFUL FOR YOU BOTH YO SEE A COUNCELOR FOR SOME HELP IN LETTIMG GO.

DO YOUR PARENTS HAVE WILLS, TRUSTS, POA, LIVING WILL [YOU SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOURSELVES AS WELL IF YOU HAVEN;T ALREADY]. ONCE THAT IS DONE YOU CAN HELP WITHY MONEY AND HEALTH MATTERS, IF THEY REFUSE TO DO POA, ETC, THAT ALSO REFLECTS ON THEM, PERHAPS YOU HAVE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND/OR FRIENDS WHO CAN PERIODICALLY LOOK IN ON YOUR PARENTS. THERE MAY BEADULT CENTERS WHERE THEY CAN GO TO HELP KEEP ACTIVE. HOPEFULLY. PNCE YOU SHARE YOUR PLANS ON HOW TO MAINYAIN YOUR TIES AND THEY SEE IT ACTUALLY HAPPEN THAT WILL ALSO HELP, IT MAY BE THAT THEY ARE SCARED THAT ONCE TOU MOVE, THEY WILL NOT SEE YOU

You and your wife need to live your life on YOUR terms, NOT anyone else's!
Listen to my story and figure out if you want to be in the same nightmare later on?
My FIL lives with us since my MIL died. A year and 1/2 ago. Before she passed our lives consisted of being at their beck and call every minute. They both didnt drive, so the doctor visits became an all day thing because they would make early doctor appts, THEN they needed to go grocery shopping, THEN they had to go pay bills, THEN they had to go here or there “Well we dont have a car, and uber is too expensive” It was exhausting! Even tho they lived in their own place it was like we never got a break from them! They would call if they needed a case of water! “We are out of bottled water you need to bring us some because we are thirsty” Or if they needed food but there was no doctor visit planned, they would call us and tell us the list of what they needed or want us to take them to the store.
When they DID drive IT WAS ME going in late to work or leaving work early because they had a flat tire. (Which became more frequent as their eyesight got worse) my job was more flexible than hubbys, so they would call me saying “well we didn't want to bother our son at work but.....”
It was horrible! They literally were draining the life out of us! Financially, mentally, emotionally etc

They didnt plan for ANYTHING! Thats why my MILs wake and funeral was paid for by us and her 2 brothers. If not for them she would be in our backyard under the flowers! $12,500 final total between casket, flowers, funeral home, 2 day wake, preacher, transporting the casket to the gravesite, having the preacher speak at the gravesite, memorial cards, obituary, etc
The cemetary charges $1,000 to dig the grave and $1,000 to cover it up.

Yah IT IS that expensive!

My advice to you is MAKE SURE they have a plan BEFORE something happens to them!

My FIL lives with us, he has no plan, he has no savings and no life insurance, when he dies we will have to take out a loan to bury him. He has no relatives left and his other kids are worthless! That $12,500 will be coming out of OUR pocket!

Take action NOW! Dont wait until its too late! Get them to make a plan!

Dont be at their beck and call like we were, its horrible, mentally draining and you have no life of your own!!

Do for you and your wife, follow your dream because if you don't, the only one who is going to suffer because of it is you and your wife!

Thank you all for your wonderful input, it has been immensely helpful in gaining perspective. Some of the responses indicated that my parents do not deserve our help in light of their behavior. Over the years my parent’s behaviors and priorities have been very negative - at the expense of relationships with family and their only grandchild. I would like to get past the confusion, mixed emotions and let go of this burden so that we can move forward with our lives. Any additional comments would be most helpful and much appreciated. Thank you again. 

 Johnc1

In my opinion, you should feel no guilt whatever in pursuing your retirement dream. After all, your wife comes first, before your parents.  But they lived life on their terms and now you have the right to do the same.  Why should you feel guilty? You have been generous in helping them, but they don't own you. They are responsible for planning for their old age, have the financial means to do so, Why would you need to stay in the same place? Parents can hire services if they wish to stay in their home or they can go into AL. That is their choice and THEIR responsibility.

John, you just let it go.

You use past behavior as a map of future behaviors, they are selfish and self serving, always have only cared about the end result for them. Okay, that doesn't obligate you to give up your life.

My husband saw your question on my email and read it, he was curious if it was a joke. After he read it he asked me if it was real. I said yes and he was floored, his response was, this guys a grown man why would he let his parents treat him like a kid or worry about what they want him to do? He obviously can't win with them and in those situations a man acknowledges that it's a no win and goes on with his life and dreams he and his wife have.
I thought I would share those words because you are obviously having a hard time separating yourself from their guilt, stop over thinking this and stop asking and sharing with them, get up and get busy living your dreams, deal with them as needed. You don't have to jump and run because they have a crisis, that's what 911 is for, as long as everyone jumps to their tune they have no reason to change anything. Only you can separate yourself and let them deal with the consequences of their bad choices.

I totally understand how you feel about moving on with your life. Thank goodness your parents live independently at ages 91 and 95. They must be scared to not have you close by in case they need you. I would suggest finding them an independent senior living arrangement. Some of them also have assisted in a different part of the building. They can make friends with other people and have the support if they need it. You and your wife can feel free to enjoy life and feel secure that your parents are being taken care of. You can visit them then you can.

Thank you all again for your wonderful input and support. One last concern is the possibility of my parents cutting me out of their will upon our moving away. This is not outside the realm of possibilities based on their extreme greediness and past odd behaviors with my family. I do not need their money, nor would I want it with hateful strings attached. However, I do not know what legal recourse I would have, if any, should this ever become a reality. Any insights or experience with this type of situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you again. 

Johnc1

Why would you want their money?

John,

Will not bore you with the details. Every family has crazies!

We are also in our 60’s.

Not that we ever asked or expected any financial help or money left in a will. What people do with their money is their business. If they want to give it to charity or whatever, fine by us.

Know what my husband did when my FIL said he was not leaving money to the family? His dad was trying to use money to hurt my husband. He said, “Dad, flush your money down the toilet! We don’t want it. We only wanted to love you. You rejected our love. Your loss.”

He has never ever regretted telling him that. God! I love my husband for being the smart, loving, independent man that he is!

John, Without you there to provide free caregiving they will probably spend all of their money on their care.

Money is not worth giving up your dreams. Let them do what ever they want with it, except buy you.

I have a clause in my will that says anyone that contests it, gets nothing.

I choose to not be involved with people, no matter who they are, that use money for control, it's sick.

To Myownlife the response to you from Isthisrealyreal regarding the clause in the Will is correct. Some will put if anyone contest this Will you only get $1.00. As they also mentioned you can name names & exclude them & descendants etc. Just the same as if you wanted certain individuals to get something. It's your Will you can decide what you want. A lawyer can help with the wording once they understand what a person wants.

I knew someone on a similar situation. Since their parents were worth $20 million, the kids decided that it would be more worthwhile to care for them than to be cut out of their will.

Davina, thank you for your comment and the information.

And to others who may/may not be interested: However, although I may disagree with my mother and feel she should include others, it is her choice. She should NOT have to include any of us in her will. It is her money to do with what she wants.

However, I will say that after my brother (only other sibling) passed away a few years ago, SIL has been sniffing around to ask me about Mom's will. (Please note, she has always been about money.)

Because it caught me off-guard, I diverted the subject, and said I don't know where it is. But to be honest, I felt like saying well, it really is none of your business. The only reason it is my business, is that Mom needs help with it, and I am her only child left and her POA. So, whatever my mom wants is fine by me.

My feeling is (and this is how I was raised) is that if someone leaves you anything, be it money a gift or whatever, from a will, it is a GIFT and should be received as a GIFT, with appreciation. NEVER should anyone ever think that he/she is ENTITLED to anything. My parents worked very hard over the years at saving what they have...that is their money; since Dad passed away, it is Mom's money. Period. End of story.

But from what Davina said, it looks like the will could still be contested. I think that's not fair, but if it is the law, then, will have to deal with it when the time comes. I wish Mom liked to travel, we could do all sort of fun things, but she has always been the home-body and doesn't want to go anywhere. I won't think twice about using her money for care at home when she needs it and use her money up that way. You should see how many purses, and pairs of pants, and shoes she has :). But it makes her happy!!

and P.S. (((smiling)))) it is not anywhere near any millions!!

Well here is the other side of the coin. I am 90 and my husband is nearing 92, We moved away from our home town 30 years ago to retire in a warm climate. We both worked very hard to raise our 3 children. When I mentioned to my daughter inlaw that we are having health issues (my husband has had 3 falls recently) I said"it is hard living so far away from family" she said you made that choice 30 years ago,"Obviously I was not thinking about old age at that time. We are not wealthy but we will spend what we have on our own care. Perhaps your parents are to demanding or put you on a guilt trip, Make the move you do not owe them anything, just love and show interest in them tell them you are not abandoning them and GO live your life. It is true money can't buy happiness but it can allow you to be independent and get good care in your old age.

Once again, after several previous attempts, I asked my parents about their future plans for medical and living care. As usual, they were unwilling to speak candidly and intelligently about the subject. The best I could get, as if I was a stranger, was my Father’s short, quip, indiscernible response of “I’m on the list”. Like all previous attempts, my parent’s obvious mindset is that I’m only after their money. 

This is probably a no-win situation and the only sensible thing to do is let go. Yet, I still feel stuck, trapped and disappointed with guilt about relocating. Coupled with other stressors, it feels like our retirement dream is just that - only a dream. 

Any input would be much appreciated, thank you. 


Johnc1