Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them, while refusing to discuss their health plans.

We owe our parents care, a little help & consideration concerning their aging issues, NOT our lives. Live your lives as you wish, remembering to include occasional time/visits with them. You can’t neglect them completely; you need to be able to live with your decisions. But do not allow yourselves to be blackmailed: your lives & those of your own children come first. We repay our parents by extending the same loving care to our own progeny - NOT by giving up our own lives! Best of luck- an eternal dilemma. Ignore the attempts at manipulation and move forward!

They need you in their hold age, ask them to move to a retirement place near you if you move away. You should see them at list once a week.

I think you should stick to your dream and move. You only live once--don't abandon yourself. Tell your parents what you're doing and then close the door to further pleadings. You can let them know whatever you're open to in the future such as having them move closer or visiting them. They have eachother and plenty of money so the rest is up to them. They could live another 10 or even 15 years!

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has narcissistic and bipolar personality disorders. There is no self reflection, conscience or appreciation. They suck the life out of you and do not change. This is probably why your brother has left and why you're so guilt ridden, even after all you've done.

I hope you go for it!

The only answer that makes sense, is somehow (and with my parents it was hard..) insist they move to Assisted Living (not Independent living..but ASSISTED). And call them, a lot from your new home. But they'll be safe. There is no way they can stay in their home, if you move, if your brother doesn't step up to his new responsibility.
Live for yourselves, whatever that may mean to you. I live 2 hours away from my parents, and when urgent health needs arose, I, at then, 58, couldn't handle the stress of my very stressful, well paying job, and my parents. I must say, I also was not loving my job anymore, so I quit (my parents so happily thought of it as retirement ..but I quit...well planned, and with a decent amount of money..I was financially able to do it). But at the same time my older brother, who lived near parents, decided he too would retire..great..but no..they moved 2000 miles away! So then I was really the only child left. I made my choice, my parents didn't insist, but I feel resentful ..all my doing though. As the only one close by, to help them when living on their own, and then in independent living at a retirement home, there wasn't anyway I couldn't help with their care. My Dad, who I thought was so financially sound, had nothing in place for their senior needs. My mother had dementia..and was on a walker. Dad's health started having issues at age 90..he always fought through..taking scary risks...driving..mother died at 91..Dad is still alive, but now in hospice (very expensive if you do it in a rehab/nursing facility, as you pay room and board, so $10000 a month! I was there at every need. I was never that close to my father, at all. He can be vey explosive to me, and used to be that way to my Mom. I was close to my Mom..but of course there were issues. I would have loved to have moved away, as my brother, did..but..my guilt would have gotten to me. I have helped with all their needs (and for you they will come up, unless your parents just drop dead in their sleep), and I do it out of obligation..I get very little reward, other than knowing I'm doing the right thing. If you move, they will become your brother's responsibility, even if he doesn't take it. INSIST they move to AS. And then you can go guilt free. IF they don't move..and you are like me, you'll stay..be stuck..and be resentful. I am still resentful of my brother who moved away when Dad turned 90.

"are in relatively remarkable health for their ages"....but at their ages, health could go downhill fast, and then you may be forced into making decisions for them, their house and possessions, AL or NH,... Change is rarely comfortable or convenient, but it's a sure thing that change WILL happen. Do you want to make the major changes happen for your parents before you get settled into your retirement plans while you're still local and have some "control" over the matter, or do you want to wait until something happens to one or both parents after you've moved and settled miles away and you're pulled back home to deal with the major changes? I say make as much as possible happen now. Kindly force they're hand. Make them disclose their finances, their will/executor, any beneficiaries, funeral plans, designate a POA for finances and health decisions if it hasn't been done. Give them ultimatums and threats if you have to. Retirement facility here or the state where you and brother will be living? Or...just walk away from it all, which sounds like you don't want to do. So sit down with your wife (or not) and draft out a list/plan for making things happen with your parents' situation. Please take advantage of the people and resources at your local area agency on aging for getting some suggestions on how to proceed and handle all of this. It's what they do. They can help take some of the "overwhelm" out of it. By the way, do you and your wife have children, POAs, wills, etc., so as not to leave others in the same situation as you're now in?

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: Selfishness is not living as you wish. Selfishness is expecting others to live as you wish.

Even if you make this decision, still set in place home care aides to assist weekly .

Primary family caregiving can take a toll on your own health.

I am short on time here and I can not go through all the answers so If I am repeating forgive me.

If they will not discuss their plans with you as to what is in their future
Do they have long term care insurance?
Do they have a plan to move to AL or IL or even memory care if that is needed?
Do they have the finances to have help come in?
If these questions can not or will not be answered then I would say Continue with your plans to move. Start clearing out clutter, put the house on the market and go.
What they are asking you to do is accept a stressful job without all the information about the job. If you were in the job market would you accept a job under the same conditions?

One possibility might, again MIGHT be acceptable once you have moved and are settled if they move to AL facility in your new location you would be there to support them but not assume care of them.

As I have said here in many posts it is silly to me that people don't want to sell the house, sell "Aunt Betty's" dresser, spend their saved money on their own care because they want to "pass it on" to the children or grandchildren. Well I don't want your house, I don't want Aunt Betty's dresser what I want is for you to spend your money on your care so I don't have to care for you.

Don't cave in.
You earned your retirement, you earned the right to move where you want and to pursue your dreams.

I feel your pain ! I am an only child and my mother says she lives only for me , I moved her from Europe to America but did not put her in the same state as me , I knew she would suck me dry of all I have to give . She doesn’t like my husband and the grandkids she thinks are fine but rather I not bring them to visit her as she just wants me , i have chosen to make sure to live MY life with my family, she is 94 i put her in an independent living place plus hired and aide four hours a day , I call her everyday and I go visit on an average once a month . I feel we need to live our on lives as I am only 60 but who the heck knows how long I have to live and I want to enjoy living it up with my husband . You can totally be a great caregiver still from out of state ! Go live your life , your wife desearves that also . Your parents might live another ten years , and meanwhile something could happen to one of you , life is short , your parents needs will be figured out as things come up ! There are a lot of resources in this country that you can put in place within a day or two no matter how far sway you are !

We are 80, have 4 kids & they are almost as old as you are & I would never want them to give up their retirement life for us—we had a great time all our lives & did what we wanted & now have wonderful memories to reflect back on. You are not selfish wanting some time together & I would just let them know—this is what we are doing—set them up with Skype & be on your way! You can tell them we will try to call you often on Skype but not every day. They have money so they could go into assisted living & enjoy themselves together & with other people. We have friends & the wife has dementia but he’s ok so she’s in the nursing home part & he’s in the assisted living & they get to see each other every day. Another couple are in assisted living together & really enjoy all the people & activities the AL provides. Also, get them both the pendant or bracelet that they can press to send help should they fall down. While you’re away if you can’t contact them call their local police & ask for a ‘well being’ check. They will be fine, just go & enjoy because going from 60 to 80 comes quick & before you know it you’ll be old & grey & w/o any great memories! Good luck

I’m with Andy. Gather the information needed for maybe three choices. It’s easier to visit AL and NH facilities in the area, while you still live in the vicinity. Enlist their trusted contact for a visit with the parents, explaining the options. Let your parents know you are doing this legwork on their behalf, out of love and respect. Too often a fall and broken hip, a medical crisis, a progressive disease, leave the offspring scrambling. If you are in contact with your brother, I would include him in the plans you’ve arranged to be presented to them. If your relationships are not the best, I don’t know that you want him present when the plans are presented to the parents. That way you won’t be presenting your parents a dis-United front. Explain to your brother your life plans for your retirement years include some pre-planning for your parents, and tell him you are sure he shares the same desires for your parents. That will hopefully help reduce strain between you and your brother when the crises happen. And they will. Once you’ve got a plan presentation, get back to the business of packing, selling, moving. If your brother doesn’t want to assist with any details now, you can move forward with confidence you’ve honored your parents. Visit as you can, knowing you’ve done what is right. And go enjoy your retirement!

Can you compromise and arrange or help them hire help? i.e. private duty sittiers, lpns, etc, depending on the level of help they need. This is a tough dilemma. I wish you the best and hope you can work out a compromise

This a values clarification exercise that you and your wife alone must do. If moving far away creates a dilemma when the inevitable crisis occurs, it could be more upsetting than just staying nearby. On the other hand, just because your parents are superagers doesn't mean you will be. To delay your dreams could be to delay them for good. Their care could require another 5 to 10 years. I hear your frustration but I also sense your love and responsibility. It sounds like you are financially comfortable. Follow your dreams, but consider a "lifeboat." In other words, think about how you could temporarily stay near them if they require your help. Have a couple contingencies in place. Or gradually make your move. For example, over the next few years, test out different locations you might enjoy retiring to and spend two to three months there. That allows you to test the waters (with location and helping your parents long-distance). Before making drastic changes.

My siblings and I have stayed put all these years and I can't really say we had my parents' health and welfare in mind - it was just the way things worked out. We never had a desire to live in another state. I won't be eligible to retire for 10 years, if then, and I have an autistic (high functioning) son to keep tabs on. If I did want to move out of state, I know my mother would pitch a fit - mostly because I'm the one who visits most often and helps keep her finances in order. However, I don't think it would stop me from going if I had dreams of doing so. It shouldn't stop you and your wife either. You can always visit, have your parents out to stay with you, use apps like Skype to have daily contact if you want to. They may decide to seek an assisted living situation near you if you and your brother will be in the same state.

I have a daughter who is a junior in college and she speaks often about moving clear across the country to the west coast. Naturally, I hate the idea that she might settle there, but if that's her dream, I wouldn't think of discouraging her. I hope I feel the same way when I'm elderly.

If you understand anything, understand this.....they are in their 90’s. Things only go down from here. My mother was good at 90, but now at almost 93, she is on a decline. She is stubborn, doesn’t want to listen to doctors, and thinks she is fine in her own home yet. She is not fine and I am the one who has to make sure she is still fine in her own home and it is a job. I am retired, but I’m not......So my suggestion to you is to treat them as they want to be treated with no interference from their family. Live your life and do what you always wanted to do. I know it will be hard, but trying to help them, when they don’t want the help will be harder. I have never been so frustrated in my whole life in taking care of someone who doesn’t want to listen to doctors or anyone. What am I here for? I am cutting off my whole life to make sure she is good and she doesn’t want to help me to help herself. And she doesn’t have dementia.

If if I had to do all over again, and I would have suggested she go into a nice AL situation after my dad died 7 hrs ago. She would have friends and would have a life with people in similar situations as she. If she didn’t want to go, then I would have said “Okay - But I’m not going to be accessible 24/7 365 days a year”. I guarantee she would have made a different decision than what she is doing now. If your parents are capable of making decisions, then go forth and enjoy your retirement or you will be upset that you let yourself get into a frustrating situation.

Before relocating, go ahead & have some of the adventures you dreamed of & saved for. Moving is time consuming & stressful. Enjoy some retirement downtime first.

Spend some length of time in different areas you consider amenable to your retirement lifestyle before moving.

Your parents are relatively stable right now. Go & do some of those things you want now, while your parents are the best they can be. You can adjust your travels & your relocation as their health warrants.

Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Taking vacations & relocating in retirement are not wrong.

Your parents have some anxiety & worry about your plans. That is normal. Assure them they are not being abandoned & you can work things out as needs arise.

Enjoy your retirement & adventures!

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR PLANS. I discovered that I had become my parents’ old age safety net despite my father was a lawyer and had no.longterm.plans for either of them. I have given up 19 years of my life and lived with constant stress, expense of traveling across the globe to assist them and a failed relationship because of it all. I ended up moving back home (at my expense) and two months after I got back, my father fell and broke his hip but fortunately was able to walk again. Thankfully they were able to afford in-house help (with my careful management of it) but the money is almost gone. My mother has been deceased 7 years and my father is now on hospice. Don’t get me wrong...I love my parents but I yearn to be able to LIVE my life worrying just about me and my boyfriend.

My suggestion to you would be to sit down with your wife and decide just exactly what you are willing to do for YOUR parents and communicate it to them and ask them how they plan to organize those things that you don’t agree to do. AND LIVE BY THAT.

They have had their lives and lived them as they wanted. We deserve the same.

You sound like a thoughtful and concerned son and I encourage you to follow your life plan / retirement dream with your wife. It actually sounds like your parents raised you to be self-sufficient and it sounds like that is what they are trying to do / remain as well. I agree 100% with Girlsaylor - gather helpful info on FAQ's they might need to know and about senior living options in both your parents local area and your new home area, share that info with parents and brother, let them know you can still be available even long distance to discuss and help make decisions and plans, IF THEY WISH. Then stay in touch by phone, email, social media on a reasonable schedule that fits your retirement life...."I think about you often and I care about you. Let me know if there's anything I can do from here to be of help." Then also think ahead with your wife about what you will do, can do, want to do and your limits when an emergency happens or simply when your parents need more help. It's good if you and your wife are in agreement about what makes sense, and the time to think that through is before you're in the middle of the emotion of a crisis. You always have the option to change your level of involvement in the future IF YOU WISH.

I wonder if your parents could move to the same area where you'd like to move. In that way, you could pursue your interests in a new area, but still be able to provide help when they need it, and/or, like some other people have mentioned, hire an aide when needed. I was in a  different boat with my mom with Alzheimer's. I didn't give up retirement, I gave up a job. Well, to clarify, I taught part-time, and my boss asked me if I could work more hours, but I couldn't. My husband and I worked around our work schedules, so someone was always home with her, but that wouldn't have been possible if I had worked more hours. Of course, everyone's situation is different; we all just have to make the decisions that work best in our specific situations. When my parents were in another state, if 1 of them got sick, I went there to help.  That could be an inconvenience, and having my mom here  certainly had its challenges. No situation was perfect. We all just do the best we can.

My Parents are 92/90 and living in a Long Term Care Center in Utah. They lived with my younger brother for over about 2 years or less and it put a terrible strain on all involved. They couldn’t go anywhere and leave Mom & Dad alone as my Mom has Alzheimer’s and she would get up and wander. So after my Dad was hospitalized for an infection he told me he didn’t want Mom out at the house anymore, he wanted her there at the Hospital with him. So he set it up for Mom to be at the Long Term Care Center, then after he was out of the hospital he got his stuff together and made a bookshelf for the Care Center and filled it with books then he packed his bag and checked himself into the LTCC to be with Mom. They are very happy there, Mom gets all the care she needs and so does Dad. If a problem arises the hospital is right there and he is wheeled around the corner into the hospital. Last December he had 3 heartattacks so it was a good thing he was there at the Center. They are kept busy with activities every afternoon and they have a workout room for Dad to use and he takes care of all the gardening and fixes little things that the nurses need help with. They keep him busy and he likes it. So check out a Long Term Care for them or a Senior living center. Then you won’t worry about them. My brother said it was a lot of stress on them careing for our parents, we would take turns going out there to care for them to give my brother & his wife a break. I say carry on with your plans and move!

From the outside, looking in, this isn't complicated at all (not to diminish your dilemma):

Move forward with your plans and be very transparent about them. Be VERY clear that not moving isn't an option. YOU ARE MOVING.

If (when)your parents protest, ask why they are anxious about you moving away. If it's because they need your help, offer to help them find a less stressful and taxing living arrangement (aka a senior community or in-home helpers). If you're OK with it, offer to find them a community near your new home so that you can be closer and help them more often.

When mom says you're selfish, remind her that she's selfish to expect you to change your plans, yet she won't change hers (if you have to, remind her that her plan is just to have you do everything she demands while doing nothing to compromise). Ask her what they will do to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. She likely won't be able to incorporate that into her thinking, but it will help you to say it (repeatedly). At least, it helps me : )

They have the luxury of choice. Many, many seniors can't choose home help nor senior living.

Don't deviate from your plans and your response to mom and dad. There's only one answer – "we're leaving and we'll help you find a solution to your living arrangements."

John,
The correct responses here all say to go ahead with your dreams. Do it man.
Set a date and let everyone know.
The care of my in-laws and parents fell on my wife and I five years ago.
I moved my in-laws to a local AL. Not sure I would recommend that as worthwhile. It will put stress on you when they are bored or lonely.
Although we were able to eventually put three of them in AL, my mother resisted until recently. She is by far the worst; demanding, self centered, and just plain cruel. She usually puts on a good act with outsiders and friends. When she shows her true colors the friends disappear forever. She always had these personality issues. I try to help her with her affairs, but I am not sure I would say it is out of love. More out of duty because that is the type of person I am. I do feel a little like a doormat for having done it.
I am 63. Five years ago I was healthy, going to the gym daily, rarely taking meds. Now I take meds for health issues that were no doubt caused by the stress in my life (my cardiologist agrees). These issues started when I was 62 and I had to retire. The fun I was looking forward to is gone forever.
Do it now John. You owe no one your life or health.
Find your parents a place where they will be safe and cared for. While the feeling of responsibility is noble, their happiness is not your problem. Your happiness, and that of your wife, is your responsibility. You are not selfish. Get some happiness now while you can.

My mother (92, dementia and assorted health problems, narcissistic tendencies) sounds much like yours. Are you their POA?
I’d give them the option of relocating to the area and an independent living facility ( where they can transition to more care as needed) where you want to live.
It’s an easy thing to say go ahead but logically, they are not going to be on their own much longer. That means you are dumping their entire care on your sibling. Currently my sister and I take care of my mother finances and medical and it’s a lot to do, even with her in assisted living. IE they will take her to the dr but someone has to meet her there. It’s harder since my sister lives an hr away from her. Previously, I carted my mother and stepfather(ALZ) to all appointments etc by myself and it was a lot to do. Traveling to do it is really even more difficult.

You are fortunate that your parents have the mental capacity to manage on their own at their ages. That could change at any time. Once you move, will it be feasible to visit them for a few days every couple months to make sure they are still managing okay? Perhaps your brother can check on them in between your visits. Some key areas to check are whether medications are being taken and refilled, are the getting balanced meals, is old food being left in refrigerator, are bills getting paid, drastic changes in cleanliness of the house, etc. Good luck with your retirement.

John, We were in a similar situation 4 years ago. My husband's mother had recently passed away leaving our 88 year old father alone in his home, but with a granddaughter and her family ( husband and grown sons) in their own home across the street. My husband's sister lives 30 minutes from him. We lived an hour away but visited and did significant home repairs and chores 2 days/month.

We told the family we were moving to our dream location - a 2 acre farm-ette with a large modern home in the mountains. My mother, age 80, came with us and has her own private suite. We asked Dad to come with us (he would also have his own private suite) when we put our house up for sale and reminded everyone again when an offer was made and accepted. We now live 7 hours away.

That was 4 years ago. Pop (now 92), still insisting on living alone, has had 3 major hospitalizations as he is an advanced, uncontrolled diabetic. His daughter and granddaughter see him several days/week, do chores, take him to Doc's appts, and shop for him. My husband visits quarterly for 5 days (approx 20 days/year) to do home repairs and give his sister a break with Doc's appts and shopping.

We have no regrets. If Pop wants to come live with us, he is welcome.

Live the life you want. If your parents wish to share it, welcome them.

No...find an assisted Independent living for them don't give up your life...and don't let them play the guilty I raised cards...you have the right to lead your life as you please...this dosen't mean you can't check on them. They probably be happier once they're there with others their age anyway..

John, would you feel despondent if your parents had said, "great, have a wonderful time, don't forget to write, we love and will miss you!"?

If you answered no, then you need to stop listening to the manipulation. It is unfair that they want you to give up your dreams because they aren't willing to do anything differently. That's what this boils down to, they will have to assume responsibility for themselves because you aren't there to prop them up.

I personally believe if you need propping up, you need professional care. Whether they like it or not is not your concern. Parents that say they refuse to give up their independence and rely on their children to do everything but breathe and crap for them are deceived. They have no independence, they have a personal slave that props up the lie.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I get angry when parents live their lives on their terms and refuse to love and respect their offspring enough to not tie themselves around there necks and drown them if necessary to keep their lives the way they want them. It is selfish and should not be tolerated. You are a grown man with your own life and your mom obviously could care less about you and your family.

Don’t give up your retirement dreams. You planned for your retirement and they should have planned for theirs independently.
I took my mother in when we retired thinking she would go to senior daycare where they also provide respite care. She has dug her heels in and only will sit in the house watching game shows.
Her only plan for the future was one of her kids would provide for her. I carry a lot of resentment because of it. If you stay you and your wife will be resentful. You will have a better relationship with your parents if you follow through with your dreams. My only guilt is I feel bad for my husband.

Follow your dreams. If you buckle under to their demands, you will become resentful and that is not the way to be a caregiver.

We all only get one chance at life - go ahead and live your life the way you want. If you do give in now, you will never have your own life again.

It is unrealistic to expect two people in their 90s to get in a car or on a plane in order to visit you. Expect that you will be the one to visit them, and factor visits - both transportation and staying at a local hotel/motel - into your budget. And yes, I recommend sleeping elsewhere than in their home.

In my opinion, no one should assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Authority means durable power of attorney both financial and medical in the event one or both of your parents become incapacitated. It also includes living wills and a will.

Your parents refuse to discuss their lives with you. My best friend (BFF) of over 40 years is going through this right now with her parents who gave their attorney POA because they're angry she retired to a sunbelt state. They completely ignore the fact that she bought a two-family home and invited them to come there to live! Aside from their groceries and in-home help, which they already pay for, my BFF was going to cover their other expenses that currently cost a small fortune because their house is old. Her folks *chose* to decline her offer and now it's too late to undo their decision because my BFF went on with her life and rented out the other side to a lovely young family that cherishes having her as a landlord.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for your parents is to get them a consult with an elder attorney as a gift for Mother's and Father's Day.

Also, your brother is not your concern. If he chooses to involve himself or not is up to him. You have to live with yourself and your wife.