My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.
But yeah, the rules are the rules. Until someone is declared incompetent they have almost absolute rights to self-determination within the constraints of the law and the standards of the Dept. of Health. If there is nothing more you can do there is nothing more you can do.
You on the other hand are trying to make sure your life turns out better than that. First you are not obese or overweight, and you are presumably getting care for your lupus, and that should include treatment for your low bone density. It is your grandparent's home that would be involved in estate recovery should they need Medicaid for the things Medicare will not cover, not your or your mom's home. And I hope you use a different physician than your grandfather's, who had no help for your concerns about the frequent falls; what you describe is WAY below any standard of care. Let me guess - no referral to a geriatrician or a PT or OT to try to help, no call to a social worker, just overidentifying with an elder who is perceived as just being fiercely independent and fighting his children who want to take all his independence away from him, since grandfather, with or without your help, groomed and dressed in non-smelly clothes for the visit and was on his best showtimers' behavior. In Arkansas, if you are anywhere near Little Rock there is a geriatric center at UAMS and at St. Vincent's where a comprehensive job could be done, and they do take Medicare. They have a housecall program for within 30 mile radius. You could try this link for UAMS: aging.uams.edu/?id=4525&sid=6.
Yes, you did EVERYTHING you could, and then some, If no one else commends you for all you did and kept track of, I will. But, realize that she would not have gone into the nursing home in the first place if she was totally "in good health" and did not need more care than you could provide. And no, it is NOT at all true that "everyone dies quickly" in a facility. Not knowing what your grandmother's medical issues all were, it is possible that though she died there, they did not "kill her" with bad care, but if you really think they did then by all means gather the evidence and file the appropriate complaint; it is possible that you could set up a time wth facility medical staff to go over her record with them and have them explain more of what happened to you. I have done that on occasion for a long time rehab patient we have lost; the most rewarding case was with the sister of a little one we had cared for with Leigh disease. It really helped the sister to learn how everything possible was done, and even inspired her to look at a healthcare career for herself.
My concern with your post is this: Using a facility and staying as involved as possible in a loved one's life is not always a selfish and ungrateful thing to do, and posting that will hurt some people's hearts who have really, like you, made the best decisions they can in their circumstances.
Now that you are caring for mom, I hope you are blessed with many more years with her and that they are a blessing to you both. Make sure to take care of yourself as well as possible too, and this may seem trivial in the light of everything else that is happening to you, but adults who have fractures should have bone density assessed and treated once the fracture has healed to help prevent further fractures and this often goes overlooked.
"They killed her there because she was still breathing and talking and eating when we last saw her."
Proof?? One doesn't make accusations like these even if you have "videoed" it. Have you ordered the full medical chart and had it reviewed by an independent medical professional? If not, your charges are just that - charges. And it's highly inappropriate to name a facility on a public forum. If you've made other such public accusations, you've made your activity actionable through legal recourse.
"I think you are just a selfish and ungrateful daughter..."
"You are supposed to do the best of everything for your life when your sick relative is still alive God dammit !!!!! not when they are dead"
Whew, that's quite an attack, with a lot of vitriole.
I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother, but displaced anger toward another poster is not an appropriate way of reflecting your sadness.
Develop some basic courtesy toward others; it's an integral part of any forum.
Carol
Bless you
I closed my business and took care of my husband for 2 years when he was in Hospice here at home. I know the work involved and also the feeling of love that came from the difficult job of caring for my dying best friend. Even though I thought I'd go crazy at the load I was caring, I was so happy to be able to give him the gift of my love and care for him in his dark days. And yes, he was in so much pain and agony as he died from cancer that it took my breath away.
So, I know.
As a result of what I read here by the daughter and the other many posts from other "children," I have concluded that the best thing to do in my alone situation is to respect my son's busy life as a programmer -- he's single and oh so happy with his busy life -- and to not share with him anything that will burden him. I also have zero desire for him to be writing to one of these boards about his mum or any desire for him to make decisions about my care.
We have been aging and dying for millions of years -- years that were long before the existence of nursing homes. It's not pretty but dying is not a pretty business. It happens though to each of us. Instead, I have learned enough to know how to go when the time comes.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. You helped me know that I'm doing what is right for my boy.
In any case, hearing about this or seeing it must have been very traumatic for you. Hugs!
The very worst that can happen is that the NH refuses to assist, she is therefore obliged to stop smoking, and she's furious with everyone about it. And then? Well, then…
1. The attending PCP can be asked to assist with nicotine patches and so on.
2. She can look for another NH, one with less inflexible policies about their staff's duties.
3. She can divert herself by investigating what human rights legislation she might be able to act on; or you can do that on her behalf if you feel so inclined.
I'm sorry for your mother, and I'm sorry that you're getting the fallout about it. But the key thing to remember is that neither the addiction nor the solution is your problem - do your best to ignore it as blithely as possible.
Did they make her any foolish promises before she was admitted, along the lines of 'we're here to make you feel at home and you can live your life as you always have' kind of thing?
The writing is on the wall: Your parent is no longer safe living at home. Maybe they've started fires by forgetting to turn off the stove. Perhaps they've had several major falls that have landed them in the hospital. Or they could be hoarding, with a house packed so full that emergency personnel would not be able to enter, or the elder not be able to exit in an emergency. Whatever the individual circumstances you face, your loved one refuses to even consider moving to an assisted living facility. You've tried to reason with them, had the talk about senior communities, tried to get them to tour local communities, begged, pleaded and bribed. Nothing works.
What's a caregiver to do when they believe at best grievous harm or at worst death is an imminent possibility if their parent continues living at home? If you have a guardianship you can force someone to move. However, that is the only way to make an elder move from their home. Those without guardianship face a much different scenario.
It's not an easy – or inexpensive process, according to Susan B. Geffen, an elder law attorney, gerontologist and author of "Take That Nursing Home and Shove it!" The courts must get involved in a costly and sometimes highly contentious guardianship proceeding in which someone, a guardian (or conservator) can dictate where an individual will live. In some cases, a family member will initiate this proceeding. Or the county's adult protective services, part of the social services in the county where you live will petition the court. This typically happens when a neighbor or concerned acquaintance reports a perceived danger. Many times, the older adult will not let the social worker or investigator in the door.
"From a legal standpoint, judges value the independence of an individual, including older adults," Geffen says. "The courts will bend over backwards to make sure that these rights are not trammeled even if some of the adult's decisions are colorful."
If the older cognitively impaired adult has moments of lucidity and can state what they want, the judge will usually rule that they can remain at home and order the appointed guardian to make sure that appropriate systems such as in home care and home modifications are in place.
Why do the courts take this stance? Geffen explains it is in line with the ruling a 1999 U.S. Supreme Court decision that ruled that unnecessary "institutionalization" of people with disabilities is a type of discrimination prohibited by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). According to Geffen, this decision has become shorthand for the principle that institutionalization (including assisted living) should be a last resort for people who need long-term services and support.
Some people have the misconception that with a financial power of attorney (POA) or healthcare POA, they will have the authority to force their parent to move. That is not the case. "No document gives the caregiver that authority." There are certain things you can and can't do with POA. These documents only give someone the power to "be the impaired person's voice for legal, financial or health care matters," Geffen says.
Any attempt to take over the rights of an individual is costly and time-consuming and the process may not have a favorable outcome for the caregiver (in legal terms, known as the petitioner). Judges, lawyers, psychologists, neuropsychiatrists and Adult Protective Services are often involved. The court assigns an independent attorney to represent the elder. The petitioner is responsible for paying the filing fee and costs of bringing the suit. One example of "costs" would be payment of doctor's expenses if a medical, neurological or psychological evaluation of the elder is necessary https://www.agingcare.com/articles/legally-force-move-to-assisted-living-155888.htm this could help