Why is mom SO hateful, mean and ALWAYS disrespectful to me?? I'm the ONLY one who has ever cared for her and visit her at the NH.

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Why is mom SO hateful, mean and ALWAYS disrespectful to me?? I'm the ONLY one who has ever cared for her and visit her at the NH.

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First of all,you need to take some time for yourself. You are stressed out and are no good to your mom if you get sick from all the stress. I know, because I ended up with shingles in the midst of micro-managing my mom's care. When visiting, I would advise you to turn to the doctor in charge of her case to order more supervision of her toileting. Also check in, even by phone to remind them that your mom needs supervision. Additionally, I advise you to find an aide/nurse to do the "work' when you get there and see her in the midst of these behaviors. You need to take a step back, which I know is so hard to do. Remember, when you are not there at the NH, this still goes on and she obviously continues with the same behaviors. I believe that your mom lashes out at you due to a deep seated embarrassment and the fact that many patients lash out at family members because they recognize them at some level. The rotation of aides is so often, that they are not always recognized .
Finally, spend some time getting some services to support your financial situation. YOU have done SO much! Take care of YOURSELF!

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I don't know what state you are in, but please contact your state's elder care agency (often through Department of Human Services). States monitor nursing homes, and they can be seriously fined for poor care, uncleanliness, etc. They need to be reported. A memory care nursing home specifically for Alzheimer's, dementia, and brain injury patients can be a real blessing for both of you. Have you complained to her physicians? Please report this, not only for you and your Mom but all the other patients there as well. Nursing homes are rated-there is a list of those with bad reports and poor care. If you would let us know your location, perhaps some of the other caregivers here can point you to a good home or local services to call and raise holy h*ll. This is abuse. I am disabled, too, and my Mom's caregiver. Money is always a problem for me. The stress over your Mom has to be taking a toll on your mental and physical health, too.

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PS, the picture of me is from 2003.

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I used to do all of her laundry...every item because the NH washes everything in hot water and it shrank up all of her clothes. I did this with no help from silblings as usual for several years. Back then, I had money for gas and wasn't in the shape I'm in today. The NH she is in now is 16-17 miles from me and I have no gas money, no job.(can't work anymore) .am awaiting disability determination. I'm behind on bills...phone/internet to be shut off soon. I've pawned or sold anything I had of value just to keep afloat waiting on disability. I never thought I would be in this condition at age 54 but I've worked hard my enire life (since 2nd grade). My back is shot and a host of other problems. Sister and I were made to work as soon as we got home from school each day and all weekends, cleaning the entire house (2 story), doing all laundry, doing all garden work (we had a HUGE garden)..doing all cooking, dishes, etc. Mom never worked and I still to this day have no idea what she did all day long all those years besides look at herself in the mirror. She still does this by the way. It's like she's in love with herself. I realize that's the N in her. But back to my situation...I just have no money for gas to do her laundry once a week.. I'm not even going to be able to visit her when next week gets here unless disability goes through. I just keep praying.

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How about buying her 2 pairs of white washable sneakers, then you could take a bundle of things home once a week and add bleach to the wash. I would only buy her clothes that are washable and bleachable, (maybe you could go a consignment shop or Goodwill etc. where you can pick up some clothing for her at a bargain price. She'll have one set of clothing at the NH for the week while you are washing the other set to bring back to her for the following week.

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Enjoylife--Thank you,I found the jumpsuit...70.00!! Can't afford that at all. I have talked to the DON and all nurses..all shifts and aides about this time after time. It does no good at all. I'm still stuck..ugh. The NH mom is in (this is the 5th one I've tried in 6 years) doesn't wash clothes often. I tried and tried to get them to wash mom's slippers that she had pottied on so many times and it dried..they smelled SO badly, I couldn't stand it. Each time I'd go back, I'd check to see if they'd washed them and no...they had not. I had to buy more shoes for her again so she would have clean ones to wear. This happened to the second pair too. I finally got mad the other day and tried to hand-wash them in her sink in the bathroom. You should have seen the dirt that kept coming out of them and urine! Can't tell you how many pairs of shoes I've bought for her but when she potties, she keeps on for hours and her pamper is overflowing so it runs down her legs into her socks and shoes. Socks and shoes are SO wet with urine. I always start cleaning her up as soon as I get there and it just kills my back (degenerative disc disease). There is usually nobody around..aides, nurses..and the halls are so very long from one end of building to the other to go look for one. (sigh).

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They wash every night in the NH.. So that shouldn't be a problem. About the aids taking your mother to the bathroom..Talk to the nurse on duty and let her know you need help keeping your mother clean!. I know that's there JOB.. And if they can't do it..PLEASE talk to the D.O.N.. They don't want to lose her as a resident..P.S. .. Or ask for a meeting with the Nurse on that Hall and the Director Of Nurses. .. Let them know you CARE!.. If you don't show you are upset about it they just feel like she is just another person that is in a NH with no one to really care about her.. So they do 50%of there job... Also just because she is a walker doesn't mean they don't have to keep an eye on her..Before doing all of this check your hand book on how often she is to be checked or change..I Hope This Works Out For You..

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That's interesting. I've never heard of the jumpsuit. Where would I get one? And, if I did get one, I already know that the aides would not take her every two hours. They pay no attention to her whatsoever. I think the reason they don't is because she is so mobile..the only resident in the NH that walks all day long and is not confined to bed. She's always been that way..constantly moving. I think because she is that way, they think they don't have to help her with anything at all. I get so frustrated with them.

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@teachergear there is a jumpsuit that zips up the back.. Your mother can't get if off without assist.. This will also mean that the aids would have to take her to the bathroom every 2 hours... To help her.. I hope this helps...

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She knows me, says my name upon seeing me. I think it has something to do with her poop picking....She fights me to wash it off of her fingers..then says she does NOT dig poop out of her butt...she does this while she is digging poop out. It's not that she's constipated either. Stool is normal. She just forgets to grunt. I am always reminding her to GRUNT..that's how we get the poop out. She gets MAD at me for doing that but once she grunts, there goes the poop. How in the world do we ever get those that pick poop out to stop? I've tried getting a toileting plan but her dr's nurse said, "We don't prescribe toileting plans". ????

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@ teachergear1 , I have worked with lots of patients that are this way.. Your mother is confused and she knows she is confused.. She doesn't have control of the way she thinks or the things she does.. That's why she may be talking to you and it doesn't make good sense to u.. It just doesn't come out or happen the way she wants it to...and she gets up set.. Sorry you have to experience this.. PLEASE don't take it personal.. She will always be your mother the same mother you've always had.. Just with a different mind set.

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Does your mother know who you are? Is she thinking you're a stranger?

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Why is mom SO hateful, mean and ALWAYS disrespectful to me?? I'm the ONLY one who has ever cared for her and visit her at the NH.

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