My Mother has always put her own health first. Since I can remember she has 'moaned' about one illness or another. Often spending most of her time in bed. I used to believe what she said but eventually realised her professed illnesses were mostly an attention seeking ploy. Her illnesses were used to control me and my stepfather.
My 'golden child' brother was protected and she didn't like to upset him. I was fair game though. My stepfather was an obedient enabler. So much of my life has been affected by feelings of guilt and dread of her volatile nature.
I live 25 miles away from them but over the last few years I have tried to help them both on a weekly basis. Though nothing I do is of significance. I have done alot for them both. I have a family of my own but I can't mention what I do for them as my Mother will turn on me saying why don't you do something for us!
Often my mother is both physically and verbally hostile towards me. I am 65 now and she drains the life out of me!
Now she constantly asks me to move in with them to totally care, cook and deal with my stepfathers incontinence etc! He does have daily homecare twice a day. They are both sound of mind.
If my Mother was an easier individual My dilemma would be so much easier but her hostile behaviour is often a nightmare. At the age of 89 she has so much energy and yet to hear her she is at death's door.
If I lived with her she would be the death of me I know!
I'm not a shy introverted type. I am a strong woman who held down a very responsible job but my Mother saps the very life out of me.
The more I see her, often the worse she treats me.
Now she constantly tells me I need to do more for them by moving in with them!
My Mother says its my duty to care for them now they are old ( not my Brothers!)
Incidentally, neither of them cared for their own parents in any way whatsoever!
I know I just can't live with her so how can I handle her constant request?
The only way to not play that game with her is to tell her that you will not argue, if she gets nasty you will be leaving. Then when she gets ugly, you just walk out. Every time. Your stepdad needs to get a caregiver in to help him that knows how to deal with people like your mom, his care requires more than he is currently receiving, leaving you to feel obligated to continually put yourself in her crosshairs.
You say she is trying harder to be nice, but it doesn't last. Because she isn't really trying to be nice, she is trying to figure out how to control you, that's why it goes out the window. You don't comply and she reverts to what has always worked.
Your stepdad will never get the care he needs as long as you keep doing this dance. When things get bad enough people will change their minds about spending money so they aren't so miserable, you keep the misery at bay and quite frankly, you aren't helping anyone by not putting your foot down and refusing to prop up a situation that requires professional attention.
If your parents need help, they hire it, or move to a living situation where many issues, like cooking and cleaning, are provided. Their preferences should not control your life - actually this thing is a kind of abuse of you. And no one will be better off if you wreck your mental/physical health.
If I remember correctly, the first question I asked this forum was something along the lines of, "How do I deal with my mother's demands?" In 2 years, here's what I've learned: People like your mom have a radar for doubt and indecisiveness, which, given the opportunity they'll exploit by making demands and imposing FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). They don't care one whit about you, your health, your feelings, or any negative fallout their demands may cause. It's all about them. Me, me, me. Besides, successful manipulation (for them) is a power trip. It feels good. )o;
Tell your mom in no uncertain terms you can't possibly move in with her. Tell her what you are willing to do and what you won't. Tell her when you're willing to do these things and how often. When you assume an attitude of "I can't possibly do that, but I can do this at such and such a time," you not only let her hear and see your resolve, but you've empowered and strengthened yourself.
One of the most powerful lessons I learned from a therapist is this: If there are things you genuinely want to do for someone, by all means do them (as long as they aren't detrimental or enabling). But don't do the things you don't really want to do. For caregiving, bring in professionals for that. A lot of seniors think they'll live forever. Of course they want to live out their days at home. But they don't consider that living "independently" is a misnomer if they've taken their family hostage to accomplish it. And that's not fair.
My family are being held hostage right now so my sister can live "independantly" (she has 3x disabilities & similar issues to seniors) but the negotiators have been called in.