Follow
Share

In the UK we are all now required by law to wear face masks when shopping and visiting other indoor businesses. The government has positioned this as the caring thing to do: wearing a mask to protect others in case you are are an asymptomatic carrier of the virus, thus reducing virus transmission. My mother is an avid follower of the News and all things Covid, she knows how this has torn through our country leaving tens of thousands dead or seriously ill, yet she is resisting mask wearing when going out. Earlier this week we went into our local town, with our masks ready for use. When we got to the Bank, she said she couldn’t find her mask despite me checking that she’d got it before we left the house, and then said she was going inside anyway, without it. Of course she was stopped at the door, where the assistant kindly but firmly gave her a mask from a big box they had for this very purpose, and she had to put it on before going any further. When she came out she was furious about having to wear the mask, saying that it messed her hair up, despite the fact that she’d just been given one for free and that there were signs everywhere, outdoors as well as indoors, reminding people about mask wearing. Yesterday we went to the greengrocers and I made her put the mask on before we got out of the car, but then I heard her complaining bitterly to the shop assistant about it. The assistant patiently smiled and said that she’d soon be able to take it off when she’d finished her shopping. My mother took this comment at face value and whipped off the mask before she’d actually left the shop. When I challenged her about it outside she said the assistant had said she could take it off, which was patently untrue. Once again she started complaining about hating having to wear it, it was hot, she didn’t like it, it messed up her hair, like a petulant child. I felt that all of these complaints could have been said by any of us, but we are all just putting up with it for the good of our society and community. I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again. My mother has always been selfish and is a narcissist, so appealing to her to do the right thing to protect others is wasted on her. I just wondered if anyone else had had this problem, and if so, what they’d done about it?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
*Everybody* is having this problem! - if not with their nearest and dearest, then with the people we all encounter as we daily attempt to negotiate the new rules.

As far as your own mother is concerned, I'd say step back. This is not a battle worth picking. Your mother will be told by the people with the right authority in each given place what she is required to do. If she won't comply, do not attempt yourself to make her but neither should you back her up when she gets herself into arguments. Do the right thing yourself and otherwise, as regards her, stay neutral. If she goes on and on about it and you can't stand another word, say: "yes, it's a pain. Whining doesn't help, however."

I've no confidence at all in a standard mask's being an effective barrier, but the current reality is that wearing one where required to is simple good manners. You could try telling your mother that she should no more go into a shop without a mask than she would go topless.

If she genuinely does find breathing through a mask uncomfortable (i.e. it isn't just a matter of getting used to it) you could suggest a wearable plastic shield*. It won't do her hair-do any favours, and unless it's very high quality indeed it's a pain to see through, but it does make speaking easier. Mind you, I keep bumping into things - you really get to understand how dogs feel when they come back from the vet's wearing the "lampshade of shame."

*Some clients lip-read, so when we can't wear masks we use shields instead.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Beatty Aug 2020
I added the 'lampshade of shame' over my mask to buy petrol yesterday. It fogged immediately, I tried to push it up a bit & the elastic broke out of the staples on one side. I persevered & returned the pump nozzle, disposed of my gloves, walked into the shop & successfully paid without touching a thing & found my car again while hardly being able to see. I drove home with the face shield up & the mask under my chin. I would have ripped them off but the mask is attached to the back of my hair with a special clip as my ears developed pressure sores. And the face shield staples were now caught in my hair. Under my chin is a festering line of pimples.

At this stage I was wondering if some sort of complete body suit like an olympic swimmer (with my head covered too) would be easier. All dignity is gone.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
The mantra everywhere is social distancing, hand washing and masks - it just is. She'll either soon become accustomed to masking or she won't, and I certainly won't blame you for refusing to escort someone who is acting like a toddler with a tantrum if she doesn't.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Stop taking her to the shops. Many people have objections to mask wearing. I live in a state where masks are mandated. I live in a rogue county where not even the political leaders wear them. It has become very political and so many have lost track that it is a public health issue.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Thanks to all of you for your helpful responses. It is now patently obvious that I should let her do what she wants, it’s not my problem and the relevant authorities in shops etc will deal with her if they need to. Funny how we are all able to see these solutions in other people’s situations but less so in our own!! Also I smiled at her behaviour being described as toddler-like. My husband and I have often said over the years that it’s like dealing with a toddler, so how perceptive that this has been picked up by others just from my describing one scenario. Thanks again!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Patathome01 Aug 2020
The alternate choice is to stay home.
(3)
Report
Residents in my mother's AL were recently offered regular COVID tests but she rejected the idea at once, saying she was past caring, or something similar (this is someone who has refused to go to hospital again if she gets a third bout of pneumonia and pulmonary blood clots). I tried to explain that it was to protect others too, such as my son's new baby, whom Mum hasn't seen yet, but she didn't listen. My brother didn't help by saying how uncomfortable the test was.

She complains about masks too!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Chriscat83 Aug 2020
A narcissist would never understand the need to have a test in a communal living place or wear a mask to protect others. They only ever think of themselves. In repeating the advice I’ve had from my post here, just let her get on with it and do her own thing!
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
What about a pretty patterned mask? All the well dressed ladies are wearing these Mother - but yours is the prettiest!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Patathome01 Aug 2020
Get some to match outfits, too!
(2)
Report
Both of my parents were on a rampage about having to wear a mask. It just stinks that they don't care enough about anyone else to cover their face.

The last time it was brought up to me, I had had enough of the selfish bs and told them that they were correct, they had the right to not wear a mask, in fact they had the right to be dead right!

I have not been heard one complaint for about 3 weeks and my dad even went and bought some Trump 2020 masks. I guess hearing that they could die because they refuse to wear masks was the right thing to say to wake them up. Because telling them that they needed to protect their fellow man didn't faze either of them. Reality is she is increasing her risk of contracting the virus by not wearing a mask.

As others have said, let it go and let the shop owners deal with her. You can tell her that you don't want to hear her grumblings about it, it is okay to not be her dumping ground.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Mother would wear the mask but pull it off to talk to people at the grocery store. YB, who cares for her, was going nuts. She would NOT leave the mask alone, and was always tugging, touching and adjusting it. That renders it less helpful, of course.

Finally, he ended up taking her to the store and she sits in the car (with the mask on) and he does her small shopping for her.

At her 90th birthday 'social distancing' we all wore masks and she had hers hanging by the straps. It was ridiculous. We were darn lucky that nobody had COVID b/c that was 2 months ago and we were still not 100% masking, social distancing, etc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Chriscat,
You are likely correct when you say:
" I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again."

Be sure to say goodbye on your way out the door, wearing your mask. It may only take once. But getting out by yourself may help give you a moment's respite, if you can safely leave her alone.

I sympathize that hearing the complaining can make your caregiving more difficult.

Best regards to you this day, caregivers everywhere.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Thank you all. I think my mother is now weighing up the pros and cons of fussing about a mask, and whether it is better to stay home, not wear a mask and get bored, or do the right thing and get the mask on if wanting to go out.The shop assistants did not give in to her, which probably came as a surprise. I've cut off any complaints about this at home by just saying "it's the law now" and leaving it at that.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Harpcat Aug 2020
Good for you! Personally rather than listening to childish whining, I would leave her home. One can only take so much of that!
(5)
Report
I think that's a really good result that you can use for many situations - letting Mother decide whether to wear the mask or not herself. She will feel in control & respected. The consequences will be hers too (eg no shopping trip today, or store denies entry). Takes the pressure of YOU 😃 trying to make her comply.

Masks are now law in my city too. This massive change to our laws & freedom is such a shock. Many rebel but it has given me much thought, especially about giving people the choice of their own actions where you can. No mask = Police offer mask. No wear = fine. Refuse to give ID for fine = arrest.

A few years ago I requested a relative to wear incontinence undergarms when I took them out in my car. (You can guess why). They refused. So I refused to drive them.

I think this approach with the mask may be needed many times along this aging journey with your Mother.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Chriscat83 Aug 2020
Thank you Beatty. You are right. This approach could work in many other situations and I’ll keep that in mind. There’s enough pressure on all of us at the moment without adding to it with extra conflict. I’ll let the cause and effect be my mother’s problem, not mine.
(6)
Report
I am my stepmoms caregiver across the pond in the US & she is a narcissist too. I feel your pain!! I have found that only 2 methods work. Drawing a SOLID line in the sand & telling her how it’s going to be or what you will do if it’s not...OR...reverse psychology & getting them to choose to do what you want. Face masks come in different styles & you can add bling, or make your own per online ideas. Make it a sassy fashion statement, or something. Ask a cop 👮‍♀️ to give her a ticket. 😷 Good luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My sister is the same way, followed by numerous "AARRG, UGH, Huffing and Puffing, "OMG"..UGH. OMG This is Bull, etc.etc.etc.
I get so sick of going places with her, just to hear her huff and puff about having to wear a mask. "Are you alive?" that is the only question I have for her. Deal with it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
KaleyBug Aug 2020
My adult son would only wear one if asked. Now he is quarantined until his co-workers test comes back. A coworker with the same attitude has a high fever and had to take the test. Boss said no one comes back to work until the test results.
(1)
Report
Also, with anti-maskers here who say it violates their rights, I say the law requires you to cover other body parts every time you are in public. Does that violate your civil rights? Do you truly believe we should let everyone who wants to walk around naked? Every person so far has no response at that point.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
careinhome Aug 2020
Nice straw dog argument.
(4)
Report
See 5 more replies
My mom was the same way. I got her a face shield (off Amazon), it goes on with a clear glass frame and she actually LOVES it! I figure anything is better than nothing.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I don't like my glasses getting fogged up but do not complain. It is the law to wear masks unless a medical reason not to. If not able to wear a mask or even face shield, do online shopping and have purchased delivered to you. Can't online it yourself? Call 211, a relative or a friend and ask to please have them do it for you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
The "medical reason" would have to be really serious. I read an article about a doc who donned something like 6-8 masks, one over the other, and monitored his vitals. It made NO difference! So people who just say this impinges them are probably just trying to get out of wearing one. Loved that woman who tried to argue at a place (starbucks?) and had 2 different medical documents, one of which was from her GYN... ????Seriously??? What does anything GYN related have to do with wearing a mask on your face??? Gadzooks!
(3)
Report
See 3 more replies
My mom doesn't like wearing one, but I blame her dementia. She doesn't quite understand the importance.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Show her a picture of the Queen wearing a face mask. And perhaps make a face mask at home -- there is a 5-dart pattern on youtube that puffs out and does not touch the nose or mouth, so it's more comfortable. Also, if the ear loops bother her, then a tie (but that would mess up her hair). Is your mom passionate about any causes? If you find fabric that reflects that (a favorite dog breed? A charity?) and hand-sew one, or make a cut-out and applique or glue on to your existing mask.

If your mom is fussy about many things, then it could be a sign of aging brain. You could emphasize that the virus is in the air and trying to invade her body, that you have to protect your mother from this invader trying to find ways to get in. I bought a pack of the clear plastic face shields -- I am not sure if they replace a mask, or if the law accepts them as a substitute.

Also, to help her get through it, quantify how long she has to wear it: show her on her own calendar that the vaccination will be available in maybe two months. If she goes to a store 2x/wk, then she will don a mask 16 times, each time for average of ten minutes, so she'll wear a mask 160 minutes. Just like a pedometer traces steps, or a fitbit traces things, she can use a counter on her cellphone. If you are going grocery shopping, then make a list beforehand so she can limit store-time. Quantification may give her back some control over her life, plus you give it a finite duration, say three months before the vaccination is available. And be very very patient -- this is difficult for many seniors to deal with. Everybody is handling the stress in different ways. She can even keep a diary about it and let her favorite news media know how she's doing with her challenge.

Another thing that you can do is give her reward points for each minute (timed) that she has a mask on. Give her a nice reward, too.

Another thing -- on the Lung.org website, there is a tutorial on face mask wearing, including tips to acclimate to wearing a face mask. Read to her the face mask wearing rationale and the tips. There may be a video.

If you think it may help, you can also share with her that many other people feel the way she does, but that she is lucky to have someone (you) to help her through this rough patch, and that you have her back.

Also, always carry extra masks for your mom. EArly on, I accordian-pleated a paper towel and used two rubber bands for ear loops. I still do that occasionally, because they are SO familiar in fabric, (paper towel); you can add a square of TP as a new filter each time. It's not the greatest, but it's easy and understandable.

She is SO lucky to have you. Hang in there, caregiver. My mom is 97 and never leaves the house, and I'm her caregiver. Your mom is lucky she can still go out.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

My Mom is aware of why masks are necessary, but says she can't breathe with one on, and actually pulled hers off in the middle of a shopping trip. As far as acting out like a child; our alzheimers/dementia loved ones are a lot like children in many ways, God bless them. Even if your Mother doesn't have dementia, she may feel panicky about covering up her nose and mouth, and is possibly afraid while not wanting to admit. It may be a power play, if she normally balks at being told what to do. Also, she may not be able to fully accept this Covid situation even while hearing and knowing about it ; the whole thing may be personally overwhelming. If you have control of her outings, I agree that you tell her she can't accompany you unless she wears a mask, and that if she takes hers off, turn around and take her home. She needs to know and accept that her life may depend on wearing one.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Show her video how it spreads and she needs to protect others too. See if you can get her to make her own mask plenty utube videos on that also.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
worriedinCali Aug 2020
How does a mask protect you from a healthy person?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I hate wearing mask too because I think it's harmful to me plus it's hard to breathe so I don't go a lot of places but when I do go to a place that has mandatory mask then I put one on.

You can twll your mom, she had a choice wear one when mandatory or stay home or wait in the car
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I find the cotton mask less offensive and hot, much easier to breathe. Remind her if she gets the virus she will go to the hospital. This works for my mom.

Tell mom she can either wear her mask and not complain or stay home. She can make you a grocery list. We often use a grocery delivery service and I shop online. Try to get as many things delivered as you can and make it easier for you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
disgustedtoo Aug 2020
"Remind her if she gets the virus she will go to the hospital."

Even better, remind her that if she gets really ill with this virus, a ventilator, or worse, a coffin, is a lot more restrictive and hair-messing that a mask needed for a short while in a store!
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
"I have told her that if she won’t wear it, I won’t take her to the shops again."

If you have drawn that line in the sand, STICK TO IT! If my mother was still mobile and cognitively aware, she would either wear it or be left at home. Leaving her in the car isn't the best way to deal with this issue. Cars can get hot, even with windows open.

Our mother has dementia. Her Macular Degeneration treatment was delayed a month. When they called again, it was to ask questions and list "rules". One rule was she had to go in alone. This doesn't apply for kids, but when I mentioned that she has dementia and also won't stand or walk unassisted, they said someone could go in with her. Then came the mask requirement. I laughed, and said good luck with that! Staff had to take away her hearing aid as she would keep taking it out. One very new one went AWOL, likely wrapped in tissue or napkin at mealtime and tossed. She doesn't even like staff wearing the masks. I think part of it is she is minimally able to read lips, a bit, but with a mask, she can't do that.

YB is now the designated transport. The place is outside the facility transport and I can no longer support her weight. HE has tried twice now to get out of this. It is only 4x/year!!! He actually called them the day before the appt to try to get out of it because she likely wouldn't wear the mask. I told him they were aware of the issue, but what do I know? He could have called sooner to address this, but as usual he waits to the last minute for things like this!

So, if your mother has her "faculties", then it is her choice - wear it or stay home.

As I commented to someone else, a ventilator or coffin will mess up her hair a lot more and longer than wearing a mask while shopping!! Find some images to show her! And stand your ground on that line in the sand!!!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

The masks do not protect you from the virus. Go to Dr. Mercola and read his informative articles if you wish.

Here our medical health officer requested everyone wear one. When asked if it would protect others from the virus she admitted that no it does not.

There are certain folks that cannot wear masks ( I am one of them) and here in Canada you are not harassed if you do not wear one for medical reasons. In respect of others I stay six feet back when in a grocery store and go on off hours when the store is almost empty. That is the only time I go out.

When mom goes visiting friends in a seniors home she stays six feet away and there is no problem as they are outside. Many of the residents refuse to wear them and she cannot wear one for medical reasons.

If your mother is being selfish and narcissist then just be firm and inform her these are the rules and she has a choice: obey them or stay home. You have to be firm with a narcissist.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Sasha17 Aug 2020
Where I live, a business can absolutely deny entry/service to a customer who is not wearing a mask. If you cannot wear a mask for medical reasons or claim you have a disability which precludes wearing a mask, you must be offered "reasonable accommodations", such as wearing a loose covering around the nose and mouth, curbside service or home delivery. You don't get to barge your way into an establishment without a face covering.
(3)
Report
See 2 more replies
The masks are an important tool for forcing conformity and control. They also allow us to breathe in our own carbon dioxide, plus maintain a nice, warm environment to breed more bacteria from our mouth and nose. Heaven forbid we should expose ourselves to fresh air or even the ultra violet rays of sunshine.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Isthisrealyreal Aug 2020
Where I live we don't have sunshine in the buildings, it's all just florescent lighting.

Oh and the air isn't fresh as it is hot and you can't circulate fresh air into the air conditioned building without cooking everyone.
(7)
Report
See 3 more replies
Yes I have had the same problem with my husband that is in mid stage Alzheimers. I do not take him shopping with me but when he went to the doctor he had to have it on and he really fussed about it as well as when we are in the halls of our apartment building. I have just had to be very firm with few words, then walk ahead of him. I look back to see he is wearing it and his complaining has stopped. A naughty kid that doesn’t want to be told to do something.🙃
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
KaleyBug Aug 2020
I bought my dad a face screen. Dads 97. My mom passed a few days ago and never had to go anywhere to use one.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
If she had dementia or Alzheimer's this is expected
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
lmb1234 Aug 2020
Doesn't sound like that's the case based on the poster's comments that her mother is fully aware of the COVID-19 situation.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do NOT force her to wear a mask!!! There are some people that need to be exempt because they can not breath with them on. You are hurting your mother by trying to force it. STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY! You are not protecting anyone by wearing a mask. The virus particles are so small that they go right through the mask. Mask simply do not work! Go through the drive through when possible and distance yourself from those with symptoms.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
guiltandanger Aug 2020
Study after study has proven that masks help prevent the spread of the virus. A mask prevents your virus molecules from passing through the air to infect others. The bottom line is that if there is a mask mandate and you refuse to comply, then stay home.
(14)
Report
See 5 more replies
If mask is the rule, she needs to follow the rule. If she will not follow the rule, she needs acceptable alternatives or consequences. Consider options if she will not wear her mask: stay outside in the car (with windows opens since it is summer), be escorted to car when she takes her mask off, or being left home when must go out. It truly is a pain in the backside to have to be the "rule enforcer" but she obviously has problems with following this rule which is for everybody's safety.

As for whether or not masks are "healthy" or "work," I encourage people to get their information from reliable sources: Centers for Disease Control, National Institute of Health, WHO or the equivalents for your country. I also recommend the same when it comes to treatments for COVID. I know for a fact how much misinformation is out there since I am an RN and see it in social media all day long.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I would immediately stop taking her out - no matter what she needs to have done, do not take her out. Tell her flatly either she wears the mask or you are done with her. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER. Be tough and stand your ground.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter