Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?

Maybe it is time to look at a facility for her

I experienced the same things for the 10 years we cared for my mom. I was so stressed. In the end, my husband and I just let her do what she wanted, it kept our stress down and we just said we would fix the house up after she passed. She passed 10 days ago and we do miss her so. We have had real all night sleep again . I am glad we didn't fuss with her so much in the last 6 months She got calmer too.

LivingSouth;

Perhaps it was noted somewhere in the various posts, but I did not catch it - is mom living alone? If so, it is time for a change!  She either needs outside supervision in her home, to move into yours (or you with her), or a facility, if it is affordable.

If not, if she is in your home or you in hers, see my post about how to "protect" the person (and the home) from themselves.

MissingCally says:

"Why do people think that medicating someone with these issues and hiding things in your home are the issues. All this does is cause more disruption in your home. If they need additional support get it for them and yourself."

Although I am not a fan of medications, sometimes there can be something that will alleviate the symptoms enough to make a person a bit more "manageable" or calm - not doped up, just enough to take the "edge" off. Our mother occasionally gets into one of these states and cannot be reasoned with or calmed down for HOURS. We have an "as needed" order up for Lorazepam. So far they have used about 7 pills in 3 plus months, most of those while being treated for UTI, which led to nightly episodes during treatment for that.

Hiding or disabling things may be an inconvenience to everyone else in the household, but the peace of mind and cost savings much outweigh that. Regardless of whether you or hired help can "watch" someone like this 24/7, think of a hyperactive toddler who can get into things like this? While you clean up one disaster, she or they can have moved on to the next! Even if placed in a facility, there are still ways for her to get "into trouble." You CANNOT watch someone 24/7. Would you prefer they destroy everything in your/their house, or god forbid drink/eat some chemical (read the post about the woman who had one of those detergent pods all over her!)

In a later post, you direct people to use a facility. THAT is great if one can choose that AND afford it. Many people cannot. It is NOT always the solution. In our case, her refusal to move in with one of us and rejection of in-home caregivers plus the ability to pay for a facility resulted in her moving to MC.

Later still you say "It is almost like you have to child proof your home." EXACTLY! Now, if you or someone else had to do this for your/their child, would you recommend they put the child into a facility?? Granted most children will outgrow this stage, but in some respects so will the older person with dementia... Although moving to a facility is an option, again not everyone would want or agree to this and many cannot afford this "luxury."

Some suggestions for all (some have been listed, but putting them with mine here):

Think how you might have protected your own or other young children from any/all chemicals, injuries, disasters, etc.

1) Remove the stove/oven knobs
2) Use child locks for cabinets and store small appliances, chemicals, cleaning agents, detergents, dishwashing and laundry powders/liquids/pods there
3) Child lock bath cabinets for other items (include dish soaps, rubbing alcohol, peroxide, etc) and kitchen drawers with dangerous items like knives, maybe even forks (poked into electrical outlets can be bad!)
4) Unplugging the washer might be easier than shutting off the breaker (the breaker might control more than the washer too) she may still want/try to use the washer, but will have to find you to get the soap and have it turned on! See #6 as well. Unplugging the dryer is a different case.
5) MICROWAVE - something I learned a few years ago when mom did this by accident - hold the STOP button for about 3 seconds and it LOCKS the controls!!! Repeat to unlock - it is a nice feature, for these cases and for children too.
6) Newer washers and dryers also have a control lock feature. I lock mine because the cats can hit the buttons jumping up! This only turns on the controls, they have not yet been able to run the washer or dryer :-) =^..^=
7) Gas stove - best bet, although more expensive, is to replace it with an electric stove at least for now (see above about knobs), otherwise turn off gas (removing knobs may not be enough - they could extinguish the pilot light, filling the house with gas.)
8) Lock up scissors, pens, markers, paints, etc with child-proof locks (cabinets and drawers)
9) Providing a clearly marked trash can for "diapers" might help, but sometimes they don't understand or remember. Can't hurt!
10) If you have easy access water shut-offs, turn the water off (sinks and showers, the dishwasher should be on the kitchen sink line) when not in use. Shutting off water to the toilets would prevent her/anyone from flushing the diaper. My dad used to wad up too much TP and clog it, flooding the bathroom!
11) If possible, move the thermostat so it is not reachable OR replace with one that is programmable, esp those with Wi-Fi access (my brother installed a Nest) Mom had the regular programmable, but was able to turn off the A/C in summer - I'm not a fan of much A/C esp when set too low, but would get to her place and it was like a sauna!! With Wi-Fi access and programming, it can be set remotely and she had no clue how to use it.
12) Use a locked pill dispenser - easier to monitor whether meds taken or not. In our case, she was not able to open it so we did not even bother locking it.
13) Provide "tasks" for her to keep her "busy" - folding laundry (doesn't have to be just cleaned - fold and later provide the same items jumbled up, art/craft projects, jigsaw puzzles (I love them, mom was never one to do this, but because I work on them with another resident who loves them, she joins in, even when I am not there!), be creative coming up with more "busy tasks".

Clearly these suggestions will not work for someone who is still living alone. You can lock up dangerous items, but they will need water to wash up and flush, so that would not work. If they are in this kind of state, they will need supervision, or to move, but with supervision, these can help protect against disasters.

Some of these interventions will be a nuisance for the rest of the household, but the peace of mind and reduced cleanup/replacement costs well outweighs this!  The child-proof locks are a very inexpensive fix that are only a minor nuisance. If I think of any others, I will add to the list. You also have to remain vigilant in re-locking, removing and shutting things off, but over time it gets easier. I had to plastic/string (including tape on shipped boxes and hard or soft plastic) proof my place for one cat. Even with some lapses, it should reduce incidents!

One note about toilets - if it is flushed once after turning the water off, it will be "safe" from the diaper-flusher. If turned off after flushing/tank refill, there will be enough water in the tank for one more flush, so beware of when you turn off the water!

She has my dad there, but he just lets her do whatever. This really annoys me that he acts like it's not his problem. It's clear that there will have to be someone there when I'm not. She would be ok in a nursing home, I think, but having a roommate would not set well at all. Turning off the circuits is a good idea. I do have sensors on doors - which means that they are constantly going off, which is a real pain. Can take knobs off stove, but don't see a way to lock the microwave, though their website might have some info about it. She has a chair type toilet, but will still sometimes flush the contents down the toilet, so there are maybe pads in there. So far she has not done this lately. I made her pay for the plumber!
She is the youngest and used to everyone else looking out for her, cleaning up messes. No responsibility. House was remodeled and already looks crappy - this is what makes me sick. Urine marks on hardwood floors.... Trying to work something out with a lady about staying more - having enough money, of course, is the problem. I'm hiding detergent, and anything else I can think of
( but my own mind is now so fuzzy, I keep forgetting where I put it!)

She is 3 or 4 not 10 - so you must adjust accordingly - would you leave a 3 year old with access to detergent or washing machine? - put some locks on doors to save yourself $$$$$ - much cheaper than the repair or replace - tell her that you think someone is stealing your detergent so you had to make sure you are the only one with access etc etc

As frustrating and sad as these situations are, they could be found darkly humorous in a book.  I read the ones about kids when mine were toddlers, and used safety measures and very high locks.  But this is different.  Our dear elders are taller and think they can still do things.  How frustrating it must be for them Just as it is for us.

My aunt luckily stopped cooking, but she likes to tidy up.  One day she tried to lift the cast-iron skillet, and dropped it on the glass stove top.   Yes, the glass cracked right through.  A new on-sale stove was cheaper than replacing the top!  Her night light wouldn't work or come out of the plug outlet.  I caught her with a metal utensil, ready to stick it in the outlet to pry it loose.  Everything electronic has somehow malfunctioned, from tv to coffee maker.  Keurig was the only coffee maker she could manage on her own, but we just bought our third one in 7 years.  Now she almost has made her coffee without remembering the cup under it. Yes, it made me crazy, and we added hours to companion time for her, so she's never alone.  I've also read this site's info on choosing a nursing home, and we will soon be visiting some as my husbands health has been improving.

I was under the impression that if you "hid" something, that the person would forget about it....say, hanging a curtain over a door, the person would not see it and would not attempt to use it. Perhaps some creative person could figure out a way to hide a stovetop, without causing additional fire hazards! : D

Is she home alone can you put locks on laundry room and maybe the kitchen
Is it time to think of a placement out of your home

Is there an “adult daycare” she can go to

We had to replace my mother’s microwave. The new microwave had a different pad and she was unable to key in the minutes it takes to heat water for her morning cocoa. She just randomly punched in numbers, watched the cup till it boiled, then removed it. Next time, of course, the remaining minutes would mess up her technique. We covered the keypad with a solid piece of thick cardboard, leaving only the 2, START, and STOP accessible. Printed “PRESS” on the cardboard. Enough to boil a cup of water and reheat an refrigerated entree.