Mom just talks about what she wants and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. How can I deal with this?

Hi Youngest - I feel for you! I am an only child looking after a 65 year old dad who has literally no one else in this world - a self imposed hermit. He has a variety of very serious health problems, is bed bound, and also has selective hearing and I too repeat many things to him. He is consumed by his own misery but has done very little to help himself, even before things were this serious. I find it truly amazing as to how he can remember what he wants at the drop of a hat, versus things that would certainly help him but require some kind of effort on his part, which I find myself repeating. It is really a challenge at times and patience is not infinite. For him this has not occurred as a result of aging either; he has been this way his whole life and only now it is getting worse. When the whining, complaining, lying, and dumping on me get to be too much, I once in a while have to bring him back to reality. I had to do this recently. It involved alot of screaming on my part just to get through to him. Several times. But he gets it, for now. I told him that he has all of the control - either he lets me help him and quit sabotoging everything I do, or he can find another daughter to look out for him because I am through. Almost an intervention so to speak. If he wants to "drown", refusing all of the "life preservers" I constantly throw to him, fine, then he can do it - but I will not watch. All of a sudden, he has come around to the party (for now) and understands. We are all human and can only be pushed so far. (Especially since he gotten very little trouble from me when I was a teen - as a child of divorce, I was not a drinker, a smoker, a druggie, or was out of control as many often become, and I struggled to do my very best in school. I feel like I get the punishment without committing the sin. I understand about his physical problems and my issue is TOTALLY not that - it is his mouth which he WILL not control and has helped him get divorced 3 times.
I think that many people here contributed some good (and clever!) ideas. Don't beat yourself up. When we were children, our parents sometimes had to tell us "no". It is no different now.

Dear Youngest,
I totally understand where you are coming from. And I thought raising a rebellious teenager was hard! My dad is in a nursing home with multiple health problems, yet after talking to my mom I only hear about how it is all affecting her. She is totally self centered, won't listen to anything or take suggestions from anyone , including friends who have been through this before.
All she talks about is how her whole world is turned upside down - and it is. I was trying to help her out by giving her suggestions about what to do or how to deal with things, but she doesn't listen at all! Finally I realized that I can't do anything to change her but I don't have to react to everything she says. Right now I do feel some distance from her but I don't have to see her everyday anyway. All I can say to you is you are not alone, this is so hard to deal with and your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. Wishing you well,
Linda

i am in the same boat with my dad. The only difference is when he does want to hear the conversation i have to repeat my comment 2-3 times and even then he may not hear it or comprehend it. I I too get short and then you get to live with the guilt associated with that. I then find myself not wanting to talk to him at all because all it does is frusterate me and make me crazy. This care taking is a emotional roller coaster and some days I just want to get off the ride because it has made me sick. I too would like to hear what others might suggest as well i want you to know you are not alone in the way you feel.

Dear Youngest, I am sure this seems like a huge issue with you but to me, your Mom doesnt even live with you and its just beginning. If you are "short" with her now, just wait until she is incontinent and agressive and accusses you of stealing, if that should start. I would just make pretend you are so interested in everything she has to say, make her feel important, you are her whole life. When I found myself getting stressed with my Mom whom I take care of, I read this over again and I have never been short with her since...
Author Unknown
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold, or Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.

I am not the youngest, I am the only one. My mom 84 has lived with me during the winter for 17 years. This year she will start being with me 24/7. I too am short with her after being questioned over and over with the same questions. Some days my nerves feel like they are on the outside of my body instead of being inside. I try to take time to meditate and pray. Walking seems to be a good idea too. I think you have to stop and walk away for a bit to regroup mentally. With my mom when the weather is good and she can walk we go shopping and then she pushes a cart. She gets tired out and her questions stop for a while. What I'm trying to say is you have to take them for a outing, and when you get short you have to go out for a while! I know I have to be in control now, sort of the leader of the band and the band memebers are not always going to be real happy but we all have to give and take. This is a great site to listen and learn and I wish everyone good luck!

Dear Youngest,
Like so many people, I understand your feelings. My mother does the same thing with me. I have tried to use the time I devote to her phone calls so that I do some things that matter to me while I listen. So, I knit while I listen to her, do my nails, and usually avoid putting a great deal of energy into answers unless I think she truly needs my help.If the issue at hand seems to be something that is not vital, I often ask her what she thinks she should do. I have also started telling her some of my concerns , and she really seems to get involved (sometimes). I think my mom is truly lonely. My Dad was her sounding board; she misses him even if I don't think he really listened all of the time. The other night I was so frustrated with hearing her repeat herself over and over again. When I hung up, I realized that I will truly miss her when she is not here to tell me minute details to every issue. I have probably not helped at all, but I know that everyone I talk to becomes frustrated with caregiving but treasures the memories in the end. Also, learning to knit has helped me to make my son some great items. (even if he probably gives them to someone else : } ) Take care and please stay in touch with us. RLP

I find that everything that ever irritated me about my mother
irritates me more now because she does them more the older
she gets. Like many people her age, she is retreating into
her second childhood and becoming as self-centered as
any two-year old. I find that it helps if I remind myself that
she is a small child rather than "my mother", as I am
more tolerant of children. But it often becomes too hard
for me to stand, and then I make some excuse to step away
for ten minutes or so : "I need to pee", "My leg is getting
a cramp, I need to walk it off".
My mother's doctor recently prescribed Namenda
for her to help with her mild memory problems. It didn't
help her memory (which she worries about) but it did seem
to make her calmer, more flexible and more open to
suggestions - ie easier to get along with. It isn't
for everyone (check for side-effects) and it doesn't
always work. But if her doctor thinks it might help
her and thinks it is safe, then it might help both of
you. But remember that all medicines carry
unknown risks, and sometime it is safer to just
take a long walk to restore your personal tranquillity.

Dear Youngest,
I have experienced your pain! My parents moved close to me so that I could help them. I had 5 small children and my parents were constantly calling me for advice, and wanting visits, etc. I got to the point you are at where I didn't even want to answer the phone let alone go over (and they lived down the street).
However, looking back now, that was the beginning of my dad's dymensia. They were lonely and overwhelmed with the day by day tasks that we take for granted. My advice is to listen attentively, understanding her loneliness and especially visit her regularly. Be patient, I promise that you will be glad you did!
My husbands aunt was hilarious, everytime he would call her, the minute he told her who he was she would go on for a good 15 to 20 minutes without my husband being able to say a word and then she would all of a sudden say thanks for calling and then hang up. It was definately a one sided conversation. Hang in there, you are not alone! I am the youngest of 6 children and I am still taking care of my 96 year old mom in my home with three children still at home. My father passed away from alzheimers 9 months ago. Go being the youngest!...We know how to get the job done! Stay strong!

About a year ago someone was complaining that when they visited their mother in the NH (or AL?) the conversations were one-sided and not very rewarding.

One of the respondents pointed out that "you are not really going there for YOUR benefit."

So I think that even though you would like it to be different, you have to reframe your expectations in terms of the fact that you are going to visit FOR your mother, and that one-sided conversation is all she can do these days. Find a way to go with the flow instead of fighting it.

Maybe make it a game and give yourself points for not "getting short", as you say..

Personally, when my 105 yo grandmother begins a one-sided story that I've heard 100 times already, I sometimes have to put my hands behind my back and mentally dig shards of glass into my palm. It's that bad. But at least it works. Sometimes.

WITH A LOT OF PATIENCE!!!!!

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am new to this site, but will now visit on a regular basis. Sometimes it feels like I am alone with this problem. It is nice to know I am not.

I would suggest that you start asking your mother questions that have nothing to do with daily life (avoid conversations about weather, health, or what she ate for breakfast). Ask her questions from her past--things that you might actually want to know. What was her neighborhood like when she was little? Ask her to tell you about HER memories of her grandmother or grandfather. What's her favorite memory of a date? What was her first job like? If she's going to be a chatterbox, see if it can actually help you learn something about her life before you were born and learn more about your family history in the process. Reminiscence is a healthy thing for older adults to be doing--this could open a whole new world of things for her to think about. Maybe involve your children in the process of gathering her life stories.

Hi theyoungest! I'm the youngest also and the only one with any sense of responsibility so my mom lives with my husband and me. At 91, its more like raising a teenager with developmental disabilities. Also, like yours, my mother seems to believe that she is the center of the universe. It's very important for her to let me know that her toenails seems crooked, that she's constipated, has urine leakage, etc. It comes with the territory.

Again, like your mother, mine does not listen to anyone else in any significant way. She doesn't even pretend to be listening. In fact, often she has asked me a question and as I'm trying to answer her she talks right over me about something else. It used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I don't take it personally. It's not my problem if she has zero attention span or that her world has been narrowed down to just her. Sometimes, when she starts talking over me I'll say something ridiculous just to see if anything registers. One time I said "and then the space man pulled down his pants and showed me his ray gun". Ten minutes later she asked me if I said something about pulling down my pants!

You can't take it personally. It's part of getting old for her and part of being patient for you. Someone's personality flaw is not your responsibility and at her age, you aren't going to change her.

What really annoys me? Is that my sister is the same way and she is no where near old age yet but she has no clue that talking about herself non stop is not considered conversation. Still, not my problem. I have real, adult conversational interaction with people who have more to say!!

Hang in there, youngest. Dealing with your elderly parent is not easy but i'm sure dealing with us for the first 18 years of our lives was no picnic for them, either!

My mother is just the same. At first I thought it was just the hearing problem, but once she got the hearing aid (lonnnnnng story haha), I realized that she has this fantastic knack of hearing only what she wants & talking over the rest. She sees my lips moving, but she just keeps right on talking. Problem is, it's all negative. When I told her she was negative, she heard THAT and pounced back at me with "no one ELSE thinks so". I told her they did, but I was the only one TELLING her. So there i was .. the bad one again. Not sure if your mom is a complainer, but if it's simply the problem of her not listening, make sure she is looking directly at you when you talk to her.. she may be reading lips. My mother did it for years to hide her hearing loss. It's just a suggestion, but if you get her to focus on your face while you talk, it might help. I sure do know the frustration of having someone talk AT you instead of WITH you. I call it "selective" hearing. good luck :)

When you talk to your mom next time and she just jumps right in and starts talking again, ask her if she heard what you just said. If she says yes, then say 'what did I say mom?'. Maybe with a little stopping and making her repeat what you said, she'll be less prone to run you over with her chatter. Also, if she's living alone then she doesn't have anyone to talk to so it gets pent up and has to come out somewhere. Can you suggest she try a senior center or volunteer somewhere where she can talk on a regular basis? I don't know how bad off she is, so you'll have to decide about that one. I do know when a person gets old, they become consumed with their own thing. Just like children that think the world should revolve around them. I see the same thing with my mother-in-law. Everything pertains to her somehow.