Mom just talks about what she wants and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. How can I deal with this?

Hello Youngest

I know how you feel. My stepfather (her husband) died recently and she is forever on the phone to me talking talking talking and talking some more and it's the biggest load of selfish rubbish you can imagine. I'm now having to attend 'group therapy' in order to deal with it - terrified of lashing out at her and making her start her "I'm sure a rotten mother, rotten woman" etc etc etc. Good luck with it - don't know what to suggest :-/

Dear Youngest (and everyone who responded),
You have described my 90 year old father to a "T". I just moved him to an independent living apartment in my town, and feel like I'm about to lose my wits. My sister came for a visit and he talked non-stop for 8 hours, repeating the same stories he told me non-stop on the 1100 mile drive while moving him here. He never talks about his own 6 children or 7 grandchildren, just about the messed up people he worked with as a crisis counselor years ago.
Unfortunately, he's always been like this except when I stayed with him for a couple weeks this year to prepare his house for sale and move him out. He actually listened to me quite a bit, and I thought our relationship had changed for the better. Now I feel like I've been duped.
This forum has at least let me know I'm not alone in a unique situation, so I'll be trying some of the tips and techniques suggested by everyone for dealing with him. So, thanks for sharing...and listening!

All sounds familiar. My 89 year old Dad can talk for 20 minutes not listening to
anything I say. I call him every night and it's the same one way conversation. I've
learned to cope as best I can when we talk. It's years of being that way and it just becomes habit. He also can't be told he may be wrong about something. He only sees the world from his point of view which can lead to arguments if I'm not careful. Hang in there, it's not you and it won't change. Just make sure you communicate with other people. Good Luck

Ok. I have a mother who has always talked non-stop about whatever she's interested in, just pausing to correct us, for whatever we are doing wrong in her eyes at the moment. She's always been this way. I am periodically surprised once a while when she actually asks about me and even more so when she pauses to hear the answer. Then, of course, the conversation returns quickly to how it all relates to her and it goes on and on in that vein. Is this a mental illness? I've never understood why she would do this. As a child it was devastating -- nothing could get her interest or attention. And she subscribed to adage that children are best when seen but never heard. I moved closer by her a few years ago so my child could have a living grandmother and she does a bit better with my daughter Now that she is almost 90, people attribute her inappropriateness to senility and say how wonderful she is, so I guess she's grown into the behavior. I intentionally have limited time with her. I love her, but am getting less and less patient.

Hello Devins, sounds familiar. When my Mom passed away in 2005 it opened me up to more contact with my Dad than I ever had in my life. He'll never change and like your Mom it's all about them. I understand, It's frustrating. I limit my time with him.
I work, walk my dogs, do things at home and set some time for him when I'm rested and feeling good so that we don't argue. Everything becomes a debate.
He did this with relatives when I was younger. It's behavior they were never forced to change.
I find myself doing the same with my daughter and I'm trying to change that, I'm so used to not being heard that it's slowly becoming about me. I don't want to get like that and drive her crazy.

Limit Time with your Mom , love her but take part in other activities and with other people when possible.
Good Luck!

These comments have been so helpful to me! My own mother lives with me, and every conversation in our home is always hijacked by her, and becomes a reminiscence of her life before she was married to my father.
My husband is so kind and patient, and my kids are amazingly good humored about it.....most of the time. The most difficult part of this is when I come home from a busy day outside the house, and am met by mom who has a long and (at least to her) URGENT list of tasks that need to be addressed immediately, like her dry cleaning, or mailing out a birthday card, or getting her to the Clinique counter at the mall. My siblings live on the other side of the country, and want to remember her fondly, so I really hate to tell them what it's like to live with her.
I would have to say that, looking for the blessing in this situation, it is that I am getting a vivid picture of what I might become if I don't make every effort, every moment of every day, to make it my habit to put everyone else ahead of me with joy and a genuine interest in their well being, and in their feelings.

Mom2Six Why are you doing everything yourself? Noone can do it all.
Ask family on the other side of the country to visit and give you a break.
Being far away is not an excuse.

Wow. Youngest, and several others of the commenters- These could have been written by me as well. I'm having to stay with my elderly mother while I put my life back together at 41. The one thing I've learned is to try to accept her for who she is, and try to be more tolerant. :-/ Whether she really can't hear me or has chosen not to (like always), it's just easier on me to not tell her anything important until we're sitting across from each other. Then she has to meet my eyes and watch my mouth moving. Somehow she can also hear me behind her, depending on what I say. It's getting worse but until I can move out I'm reminding myself to be thankful for her, love her and try to keep to myself until I'm sure I can keep her attention. Good luck.

This is a good thread, at least we all know we are not alone. We have to be there to listen, but we must also be a little selfish. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty about sometimes not listening. It's a coping mechanism. Things must be on your terms too, so don't feel guilty, we just have to give a little if they talk on.. or even over you.

I came here searching for an answer to this question that so many have related to. But it seems that some of us already had issues with our Mothers. I know I did. I have recently started to believe my mother has been narcissistic all her life. We have not had a good relationship since I was small. I wondered if this tendency of our mothers to talk about themselves in their senior years was somehow related to the process of aging bur after reading this thread, I wonder if it is not normal. This behavior is counter to generativity. I wonder if patience is the only way to deal with this. I'd better learn to knit. :)

Oh, god, I feel the same as you.... I live with my mom, moved in with her 1-1/2 years ago and the situation is rocky (fortunately, not all the time).
I have absolutely no advice except to say, "I hear you" and understand what you're going through.

Allegra, I was struck by your comment "This behavior is counter to generativity." Yes it is, but not everyone has the generativity motive, even people who have children. A lot of people are motivated to have kids through societal expectations, their families' expectations, their own narcissism, or just being too lazy to figure out what they actually wanted to do with their lives. These are the parents who are quick to say "My job it done. It's time for me to be taken care of now." Like my mother, for example.

My mother's blathering is just one of the reasons I resent being her caregiver. She won't accept anything I say. She tells people that I'm her driver. Yes, that is it. I'm the Dummy Daughter Driver. I get so sick of hearing the same thing over and over and over, because she has so little socialization. That's unfair to expect me to be social support. And yet her few friends are now getting tired of her obsessiveness over the same topics. 

I will never live with her. It's bad enough that I have to be her taxi driver. It eats up hours of my time. I resent that I am the only child (of four) that is expected to put up with this.

We talk all the time on this site that some people aren't cut out to be caregivers, and that's okay. Well, that's me. That is why I will not do more than drive her places (unless it is an emergency). I told her to sell the car and use the money for taxis/rides instead of giving me her car and expecting free taxi service. I was ignored.

But I do set firm boundaries on what I will and won't do. And I give my brothers an email report of my outings with my mother. I do this for my own protection, since my mother has no idea of how much time she takes, and has called me a liar to my face.

She really should be in an AL facility. If/when she ever gets to the point of agreeing that she needs that  (or needs a nursing home), I'm going to strongly suggest that it needs to be near one of the golden boy brothers. I am very disappointed to read that I won't be able to back off once she's in a facility the way I will be planning to do!

Well from what i had thought that if a person has elderly parents that they should enjoy every moment they can cause when their gone their gone. I would listen too other people problems less so that i can have ears to listen to my parents. I notice my last conversation with my dad he was a motor mouth then all of a sudden he had no voice to talk and was only moving his mouth. Then he stop watching tv even his favorite baseball games. When they change you change or adjust yourselves as well.

I have the same problem with my mom, and I have had it for years and years and years. This was before my mom had a hearing problem, or is the advanced age she is now (early 80’s). Nothing has ever changed.
It drives me nuts (short drive), and I find myself avoiding her as much and as long as possible.
I feel bad that she annoys me so much, but it just goes way back to my childhood and her general need for control, stubbornness, critical nature, negativity, impatience, and anal retentive/OCD issues.
I have nothing really in common with her; and I hate to admit that she is quite boring. 
I have much more in common with my kids than she ever did with me.  I also made/make an effort to engage my kids, where I just don’t think my mom ever genuinely did with me in a super nurturing and relative way.  
She goes on about the same things all the time, and it’s mostly criticizing or complaining about what is not right or perfect in her world. I feel she will never be satisfied or admit to any wrong.  She does it all in a very manipulative, reticent, and very passive aggressive way. She also tells stories of negative and painful things that happened to me in my childhood.  It’s embarrassing, frustrating and just grating.
My dad passed away, and it’s even worse now.   She also moved closer to me.  
It was all so much easier to deal with when she lived farther away.  
I don’t know what to do, so I just continue to grin and bear it - out of sheer obligation and respect to her.
I am an only child, so it’s all on me, as I am all she has. She has lost all of her friends from them either passing away, or just drifting apart from her.
I have tried to help her and encourage her to seek counseling, an elderly support group to meet peers, and to encourage her overall ‘to get a life’, but she doesn’t seem interested. 

I have led the horse to the water, and I am just thinking now that it’s not my job to try to motivate her anymore. If she needs physical help with something, I will help, but mentally she absolutely still drains me.
I have had other people essentially tell me what I am describing, so it’s not only me, and not my imagination.  I used to think it was my fault, but I have come to understand that this is just how she is, and I have to let it go as best as I can. 

  Maybe it’s time for me to a visit to a counselor again.  
Self care is important too.  


Thanks for letting me purge.

DAR