Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

Heart, my mother asked me to take her to her childhood home on the farm. I knew that things had changed and all the people she knew were gone. I knew what she wanted was to go back in time to her childhood and that the trip would not fill that need in her. What I said to her was that I couldn't take her, but she could call my brother and see about him taking her. She said no to that.

I thought about how it is. My mother won't do anything without me. She won't even have a visitor without yelling for me. It can be a bit frightening to be in my room and hear her yelling for me in such a frantic way. I feel like her foot sometimes. She can't do anything without me, but I don't get much respect. I just get walked on. She is getting near to the end of her life, so I feel guilty not wanting to do more. Then I think -- goodness! I've given her over 6 years of my life. Why do I feel guilty for not being a better foot?

Your mother sounds like a narcissistic type, who sees you as an extension of herself. The damage to you has been done, from the day of your birth to the present. If your mother and brother want to visit, you have HIM make arrangements to either bring her to them, or come to visit her. You do realize, I hope, that it is not up to YOU! You do enough, probably far more than you signed up for. Taking your mother on a plane on such a trip will be a nightmare. I went through a similar situation just before my mother went down the toilet a couple years ago ( a short time while still fairly lucid but incontinent and falling down) and I was begged, yes, begged to put her on a plane and bring her to a wedding! And of course I would be doing all the dirty work before, during, and after, and the Grand Old Matriarch would be proudly trotted out for everyone to go, 'awww, dear old thing!'. I flat out refused to even discuss it, it would have been a nightmare. Mom also refused to budge, she didn't want to leave her house....Not even a straight flight, two layovers - so much can go wrong with arrangements while flying across the country!

You are under NO OBLIGATION to care for your parents, but only to see that they are cared for.
Say to her: Mom, I COULD NOT POSSIBLY DO THAT!
So sorry that you are having to do this-maybe it is time to save yourself.

Heart, what you do is call your brother and tell him that your mother wishes to visit him: would he kindly make the arrangements. Picture yourself as the director of a facility, doing the right thing by your "resident" but of course with there being no question of your making the trip yourself.

This wouldn't be ironic: such a project is quite feasible. He would need to contact an escort agency, such as Universal Aunts, sort out transport from your mother's home to his, and of course provide accommodation and support for her during her stay. He can pay for these services, or your mother can, as they wish; or he can come and get her. What's stopping him?

About how your mother makes you feel… that's another issue. But a break from it wouldn't hurt! :)

Yes Jessie... I'm finding that I'm becoming more burnt out... My heart hurts from the way my mother looks at me with distain... I've lost almost all of myself and feel lie I've wronged her in many respects because I'm not her, would never what to be anything like her (must get her way or I'm just a fly on the wall)... And, even more hurtful when I hear her on the phone with my brother and his family plagiarizing me... As if she 'was' me... taking my very soul away from me and using it as her own. Now, when she dies... How am I suppose to feel?... I now get such a headache from it all... You're right it hard to explain to someone so I appreciate you sharing with me... How do you do it? It's wearing me down and it's pretty much destroyed any sense of mother/daughter relationship we 'may' have had... She so d@#n stubborn,

Heart, I know just what you're talking about. My mother won't ask a thing of my brothers, but she'll ask the world of me and get upset if I don't come through. I think they start to see us as part of them, like an arm or a leg that they need to function. It is what we become. Caring and empathy for us can be totally lost. It is hard to explain to people, but it feels so frustratingly bad.