Am I supposed to cater to my mother's every whim because she makes me feel guilty?

be glad you're not MARRIED and going thru what I am with my MIL however I D know what you're going thru, doing it myself right now. No matter what I do what I say how I walk how I eat how I clean no matter how much I kiss her butt it is and always will be WRONG !! I too (but happily) excluded from "family" events but in THIS family I am happy to be left OUT !! I've been reminded DAILY that I am just the "N word, the MAID"

EastEagle... It's so easy for anyone (like your daughter) to say "it's not that hard to give someone a shower, what is the big deal?" , but let's see them DO it... Especially, day after day... Week after week... So many people know how to say things, but don't mean it because they have no intention of helping. I've learned the hard way that no one really wants to be a caregiver and if they are (like myself)... It's a fine line between your life and them.

Ah east you asked the wrong question. Ask your daughter this: Hun how would you feel if you had to shower ME and check my anus for haemorrhoids and my vulva for sores and put cream on the relevant places. How would you feel about disimpacting me if I get constipated. How would you feel if you were having to check my breasts for lumps? Grandmother is too far removed for her to understand but whine is your Mum the emotional side is just a step too far for many. My daughter will just about wipe a bottom but if she was asked to do more - well it aint ever gonna happen - I get called.

One thing I can tell you is that if you do HAVE to do it wearing gloves and PPE does help a little

This is EastEagle, again. I just want to post another update, and ask for your advice again. As you all remember, my Mother fell last Thursday night, and was on the floor for over 3 hours, and she had to crawl to the phone. So, this week I told her that I really want her to get the Medical Alert system put in: ASAP, she has all the information from her PC Doc but my Mother would not give me the phone number. So, I have called my brother at work twice this week, and had to leave messages, so far, he has not returned my calls. I asked him to get the phone number from my Mother and to call the Med Alert company and get it set up, and I would pay for the entire expense. He has POA. I also told my Mother that she should be doing what the Doctor told her to do - drink Ensure - since she might actually feel better. So far, both my Mother and brother have not followed through on anything. they have given me the brush off. And, as I mentioned before, all my Mother cares about and talks about is that she wants to go shopping for her newest Great Grandchild, who will not be born until this November. I told her that if she wants to live to see this baby, she needs to start following her Doctors orders. This week, I also got the info on a very good Home Health Care Agency, and I asked them about ME putting my Mother in the shower. They said it was not a good idea, since I don't have the training. I have already mentioned that I am 64 years old with a heart condition, and I am really out of shape. So, I need your advice again. Should I continue to try to get my Mother and Brother to make these changes?? and if they do not listen to me, should I just let my Mother continue down this road? My Husband says my Mother is "Living on the Edge" and has "A Death Wish." I am now calling this: "The Year of Living Dangerously." I just don't understand my Mother. She always had so much common sense, and was very strict with us. I don't know why this has to be so difficult, and why do our Parents have to put us thru so much grief and stress? It is not fair to us. Thanks again.

East, here's the deal. Mom may or may not have a death wish. She may no longer be able to think rationally enough to act in her own interests, let alone to consider the concerns and the feelings of people who care about her - she just wants to do what she wants to do. Brother is doing a crappy job of POA but he is who she picked. He is either keeping his head in the sand or does not care if she dies - or how she dies. You may very well be stuck because he is POA and her danger is not imminent and she is not legally incapacitated. Options include APS and/or guardianship but I suspect they will not be ready to found a case based on just what you have said. Maybe some face time with your brother or getting him to read some thread on here would help?

BTW, consider taking any steps you can to get yourself in shape, within your cardiac limitations of course, not because you are going to do Mom's physical care necessarily, but its the one way you can avoid ending up like her with frailty and desperately clinging to belief that her physical and cognitive abilities have not waned and nothing has to change.

Yes, she is not thinking rationally. When their brains begin to deteriorate, they cling to their idea of themselves in the past. No amount of arguing, 'let me show you', talking-to is going to make a difference, and this is why there is POA, guardianship, home health aides going in, medical alert buttons, and hired sitters. It will only get worse. I suggest you concentrate on alerting your brother as to your mother's decline, you both have to start doing things differently now and in the future... Now, East, I have been in your shoes and I wore myself to a frazzled bone running around trying to keep what basically turned into a 'puppet show' going, and am still paying the physical and mental price. I was saved when I finally got her on Medicaid and into a nursing home. Everyone I talked to told me, the next time she fell, or was admitted to the ER, that was the time to say 'I can't take mom home, it's too dangerous for her to live in her house any more and there is no one to take care of her. You will have to put her into a facility.' They will give you grief at the ER, they will threaten to charge several thousand dollars until they can find a bed (PP or Medicaid), blah blah. Have a discussion with that brother as to what is to be done, because once they start falling down and defecating on the floor, that's the beginning of the end of living in their houses.