Hi, I need help with a situation. At first, I thought my mother had dementia and had her evaluated. Diagnosis--paranoid personality disorder. She won't take her medication, she doesn't listen to doctors, refuses outside help, refuses to go to the hospital alone, because she believes all medical professionals want to finish her off. Even a wrong look or incorrect tone sets her off. She is severely physically disabled, and I have to do everything for her, like bathe her, make her meals, drive her, etc. Yes, she is in a wheelchair. The other day, one of the VNA nurses called APS because she didn't think I was working hard enough to get my mother psychiatric help. When I have called behavioral health, they have refused to take her because my mother has the capacity and refuses services. I notified the nurse's supervisor and APS regarding this nurse. Both the supervisor and APS agreed with me. That nurse got a write-up. But still frustrated because the system refuses to help me with my mother because of "autonomy," but then I also get judgment from other healthcare professionals who say I am not doing enough. Does anyone have any thoughts? Would love to have my life back.
Lori
Is this the same mother/mil who you are living with now?
Some people are too violent to stay at home and family members are not equipped trained to handle them.
Next time an episode occurs, call the police and let them know that your mother in law is having a violent psych episode and if they can dispatch an officer who is training in mental health procedures who can de-escalate the situation and take her straight to the hospital.
I don't know if there are any psych drugs for any type of personality disorder, but psych wards would know best.
I didn't have time to respond to everyone here, but to clarify, she is not violent. She just screams and throws things and breaks stuff. She doesn't have enough strength to harm others. Her disease is RA, which has spiraled because she refuses to take any medications to control her disease.
As for the advice here I have done the following:
1. Called crisis after she trashed the kitchen. The social worker came to the home with two police officers looked at the kitchen and looked at her. The social worker looked at me like I was a nuissance, because MIL was calmed down by then. Then, after about two minutes the social worker and police walked out the door, because the worker said, "she isn't in crisis anymore." Generated an APS investigation, which offered resources, she refused everything. They closed the case.
2. Brought her to the hospital last summer because she threatened suicide. The hospital kept her overnight, evaluated her as saying "remarkes made due to pain" then wanted to release her. I refused to pick her up. They kept her for a day until a family member picked up and brought her home when I was out (family member has key). I reported the an unsafe discharge. APS came again, said no beds were available in my area. APS also came into my home, saw a clean house, food in the fridge, and said she is safe here and I can't throw her out. However, they did bring in Behavioral health, which evaluated MIL and decided she can do things on an out-patient basis. Again, they didn't think she was violent, because of her disablity, physical frailaty, and the fact she could even kill herself if she wanted to. Again, she is too physically frail to do anything, and we do not have guns in the house.
3. Spoke to two elder care attorneys, who said the state of Massachusetts will never give me guardianship, becuase the MIL knows whats going on (had to get her evaluated for dementia, but got personality disorder instead). Was told by both attorneys in my state, I will never get guardianship due to my state being highly liberal.
4. Spoke to both attorneys about an eviction process to force her into a nursing home. I was told to not even try, again I am in a highly democratic state with tenant friendly laws. I was told it would take at least 12 months by law to get her out of my home, and then the judges in my county are natorious for giving extensions to tenants for up to 3 years. Yes, property lawyers are telling landlords to do cash for keys because Massachusetts is so outragous.
5. We did a nursing home search, and finally found one she liked. At the last minute she refused to sign. The nursing home then refused to take her.
6. She lives in my home. I was told I could refuse to care for her while in my home, but again it would trigger APS and a neglect charge towards me. The eldercare attorney said in my state it is an automatic 3 year prison sentence.
7. I thought I just had bad attorneys, so I consulted my attorney cousin, who said, no you don't have bad attorneys, we live in a sh*tty democratic state where those with certain needs have more rights the law abiding citizens. Second he said, our state has prioritized the recent migrants, who are also taking over most of our states resources.
So yes, I agree it is not sustainable, but the system in my state and county has locked us in. We are trapped. Even my father who has his own home and lives alone, fell a few months ago. The hospital sent him home without proper precautions because there are no beds or resources left. I was devastated and had to use some funds to hire some extra home care for him on my own. After about 5 months and with my eldercare attorneys, the state finally stepped up and provided him with the resources he needed. He is someone I really want to move into my house due to his cancer diagnosis, but I can't becuase of MIL's bs. Everyone wants her out, but not possible in this state.
But maybe she is already on Medicaid if she is severly disabled?
If she's refusing facility care you will have to make a decision to back completely away from taking care of her and allow her needs to become evident to APS. They will work to get her appropriate care and you can have your life back.
It will feel very hard at first, but then there will be a solution for the both of you.
You state that your mother is completely physically disabled.
Please tell me that disease is diagnosed that has physically disabled her?
Do you live with your mother in her home or does she live with you in YOUR home?
Are you are POA for your mother? If not, please don't consider doing this; it is impossible to manage care for uncooperative and mentally disabled people.
You are not going to be able to sustain caring for someone both physically and mentally disabled.
It is my opinion that you should recontact APS and tell them this.
Please get and read the memoir by Liz Scheier titled Never Simple. You will there see you are not alone. She tried for decades along with city and state of New York Social Workers to help her mother, all to no avail.
Mentally ill people end hospitalized over and over on 5150s or 5250s, getting stablized by med, let out and going unstable again because they do not wish to take medications. I have mental illness both in extended family and a dear friend with a bipolar wife. It is impossible to manage. Absolutely impossible.
I wish you the best of luck and I am so sorry that our society simply now doesn't have a good way to deal with mentally ill patients. Not only are their own lives destroyed by this fact, but entire families can/may be dragged down to drown along with them. It is truly devastating and my heart goes out to you.
I would take this a step further and have mom placed in a skill nursing facility. After awhile, caretaking will get to the best of us.
Right now, I'm doing it as a profession, and there are days I am ready to get out of it especially when cases are bad. Sometimes I need to just have days where I can kick back and just do nothing and allow my brain to rest. I deal with manipulation from clients and family members at times. Thankfully, no medical folks have told me I'm not doing enough.
However, when I was taking care of my disabled sister, I had the government constantly on my case. Apparently, the aides from the agency tried to make me look like a monster due to all the lies my mother, who was an alcoholic, was spewing. She died, and I ended up taking over the care of my sister. The aides were leaving earlier than their scheduled time, and I would come home to a bedroom covered in feces. The entire house smelled like feces. I would have to do a thorough cleaning the time I came home from work. Family was no help. Finally, after one more incident, I had enough. I had the agency pull the entire file and send it to the agency that was responsible for placement. When my sister had home care, the aides just came in and fed her. When she was properly placed, she received the actual care and therapy she needed. She relearned how to feed herself, how to let someone know she needed to use the toilet, and the day program provided activities. She had a court appointed attorney to make sure that she had everything she needed. She thrived in her new environment. She got so much more care than what she received at home. Mom and the aides took care of her physical needs, but they were limited in their abilities to actually provide the structured care and therapy to help my sister. My sister needed a higher level of care and I made sure she received it.
Ignore those people. They go home to functional families with little or no interference while you are saddled with a parent who has become another child to you.
Start looking at facilities. Your aim now is peace for yourself and finding a protectve environment for your mom so that she can receive the help she needs..