My mother has always loved making everyone do everything for her. She never renewed her drivers license after her first child was born so my dad drove her to the grocery store every week, to all of our dr appointments, and any and all errands such as shopping and picking up burgers. My dad begged her to get her licenses renewed but she refused.
Years later when I turned 19, my dad passed and I was expected to drive my mom anywhere she needed to go from weekly grocery shopping , picking up her medications , dr appointments, bank , any birthday or xmas shopping , drive her to work in the morning before I started my job , sometimes pick her up from work ( Sonetimes she took the bus0.
I am now in my early 40s and I am still expected to be her driver at all times. She gets extremely angry if I say I can’t this week and I get the silent treatment and she tells my siblings I am mean etc . My mom Is perfectly able to drive herself. She has always been in good health etc. not disabled. There is no reason why she can’t do things for herself. One day she called me to help put a mattress cover on her bed and while I was there she made me hang up all her pictures and her shower curtain. Mind you. She isn’t disabled.
She doesn’t have any friends. She loves football. So she asked me and my other sis if we could watch the steelers game at restaurant that is a 45 min drive every Sunday. If we say no we can’t this weekend she gets angry and starts the guilt trip on how all she wants is to watch the game at the restaurant and she pouts.
She has actually called me or my sis to change light bulbs! When her tv went out I drove her to store to get new one and she made me do all of the hook up of cable etc ( she won’t even try to do anything on her own ). She just calls me or my sis and if we can’t she says things like “ if you girls can’t take me to my dr appointments I’m going to tell my dr I can’t make it bc none of my 3 girls will take me. I have even given her the number to the cities free rides that are offered to senior citizens that get them to the dr appointments and take them home and they also provide free rides to grocery stores. Her excuse to not use it is she doesn’t want to get in car with strangers or what if her dr runs late and the free service leaves her. She refuses to take the city bus bc she says she might get robbed. The bus system in this city is excellent! They run frequently and she gets a nice discount for being senior citizen.
Since she has always acted so helpless she hasn’t seen her grandkids unless one of her kids picks her up and drops her off etc. we are just to busy to do that all of the time. She has retired a few years ago. Still in great health where she can do things on her own but she refuses. Instead she expects her kids to take off work to drive her to her 100 errands like dr appointments, hair salon , grocery shopping , pick up her medications , . I have recently started resenting her and I am tired of being at her beck snd cslll when I have a full time job , have to go to my own dr appointments, I have been taking my cats to their appointments, having to take care of my house etc and I just got very angry a few weeks ago when I started feeling beyond fed up at the surprise of extta errands she throws upon me when I think I’m just taking her to grocery store. When I show up she also has me running her to the bank because she says it only take a min , then to Walgreens , then grocery shopping , then pick her up burgers because she is to tired to cook after all this running around. I end up spending 8-9 hours driving her everywhere. She never says thank you. I am ready to move to another state to get away from her
Now is the time to say ENOUGH. You either stand up for yourselves as adults now or you move far enough away where you can no longer be her chauffeur, handyman and entertainment committee.
She either pulls on her big girl pants and gets a new license or she rides the big bad bus or calls an Uber, like the rest of the world does. Learn to say NO mom, I can't possibly do that. Set down some strong and unwavering boundaries where you see her once a week (or whatever) for X amount of time and agree to do X amount of things. Have it all set up in your mind and let HER know YOUR schedule. When she gets mad and throws a fit, oh well, she'll get over it. Or she won't and then you're REALLY off the hook! 🤣
Otherwise, you are a slave to her whims which change like the wind. She'll use and build on her arsenal of passive aggressive tricks and tools to guilt and shame you into doing all of the things she's perfectly capable of doing herself. She's just too lazy and hey, it's worked THIS long, so why fix what isn't broken (in her mind)?
Hopefully you and your sisters can present a united front to your mother now, while you still can. Force her to do for herself or by the time she gets really old, you'll be moving her into your home and waiting on her hand and foot, 24/7 as she reverts to being a baby again.....no joke. You can see these women coming a mile away. I have a mother like this myself and use tough love ALL THE TIME. It's a necessity. She's STILL blaming my father for giving her a miserable life.......and he died almost SIX YEARS ago!
Good luck....toughen up. You can do this!
You CAN say no.
Repeat this out loud until YOU believe it:
“Mother, I can’t POSSIBLY do that. Here is what I CAN do:
Cheering you in from here!
Very often, it’s emotional blackmail and others attempting to control but we have to find the strength to break away.
You have “STARTED RESENTING HER”? It has taken you a few decades to get there? SAY NO.
Saying “no” is A LOT SIMPLER THAN MOVING. Don’t argue, practice saying it sweetly, gently, forcefully, PASSIONATELY.
Will she be mad? Sure. Say NO.
My oldest brother did this too. He wrecked his vehicle. Then expected me to be his chauffeur all over creation. It becomes too much.
She has used not renewing her license to be able to control others.
Place Uber on her phone and show her how to use it if she is opposed to the bus.
If Uber is out than write the names and numbers of a couple of reputable cab companies for her to use.
Best wishes to you and your family.
There is a wonderful book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. Please get hold of a copy and start putting some health boundaries into place.
You can love your mother without being her slave.
It is up to you to say no, I cannot do that. Then hang up the phone.
She will carry on, but that is her problem not yours.
If you agree to take her grocery shopping be clear that is all you will do that day. Drive her to one store and once you are finished shopping drive her home. It does not matter that she wants to do 10 more things, you agreed to one and that is all you do.If you go to her house be clear as to how much time you will spend there and what projects you will do and which ones you will not do. When your time is up, you leave.
I don't jest. There are reasons some people move very far away from their families. Suffocation is one.
There a few shades of suffocating I've found...
The anxious Little Bird, too nervous to fly alone.
The Delicate Princess who is too dainty for 'work'.
The Dowager Queen who feels entitled to have her subjects so blessed in their low existence as to help her.
Anxiety meds & counselling may work for the birds. The other two can simply HIRE what help they need.
Please grab yourself a copy of the book Boundaries asap (by Cloud + Townsend).
Read it or download an audio version as you drive as far away as you can for a week.
Leave Mother a taxi number & local bus route brochure & GO.
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