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My elderly mother has been living with me since she lost her home in Katrina in 2005. My mother and I are not alike in most ways. I was raised in a dysfunctional family like most people. I think a lot of my issues with her today are because of issues not resolved throughout my life. She drives me crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut but I snap at her then feel guilty. No one understands. help!

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You have been doing this since 2005? You deserve a medal. Certainly, you deserve a vacation. My miserable MIL has only been with us 6 months, and I know without a doubt, I am not willing to do this for years. How functional is your mother? Can she be alone?
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Often people who are nice to others and not at all nice to their immediate family have either a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder which has nothing to do with being part of their generation. Often or should I say typically it takes a narcissistic parent to raise a borderline child, but not always. I think many parents just fail to respect their adult children as adults for some sick and selfish reason.
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My mother is 87 and she's exactly the same way; nice to others and not at all nice to me who has been taking care of her for 8 years. Is it that generation or do a lot of parents think it's demeaning to treat their children with respect? I don't know, I don't have children.
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I understand so well now. Women who grew up during a certain time will always look at their daughters or other women as dumb. It usually reflects the way they feel about themselves and not anything about you. It is also convenient for the mothers. If a daughter was capable and impressive, they would have to treat them like they do their sons (as capable and impressive). My mother is the same way. I've given up on trying to set her straight. To her, women are mothers, maids, and caregivers, no matter what their position is in the community. I have a feeling that if you inventory your life, you'll find you are much more. Plus you have the patience of Job in standing up so long in a troubling situation. You are one tough cookie -- something you can be proud of. I agree with what glitterberry wrote. You need to reward yourself.
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treatment resistant depression means that the cause of the depression hasn't been eliminated yet (my guess is that it's like mine and environmentally caused). You have a right to happiness too, you need to make sure you put yourself first since you know she never will. If brother is the golden child, let him watch her or be responsible for her while you take a vacation. Put your fur babies in a doggy hotel/or find a pet sitter and let them have a vacation at the same time. Most of all, remember that you are an awesome person and are still young enough to go out and enjoy life. Try something new like cooking in a different style, or hiking, or something you always wanted to try but were too nervous. Heck, in NYS a lot of places let you vacation with your pets, do something together!
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how do I respond to all of the people who shared with me.
My mother's house in new orleans had to be bulldozed. Best option was to move in with me. I have a brother who is not very helpful but my mother adores him and thinks i should get along with him because i will need him someday to take care of me. my mother thinks i need a man although i've been on my own since 19 except for 4 years i was married. I am a physical therapist but have no credibility about anything with my family. My dad was the same way. If your female and his daughter ur deemed stupid. I was taking care of him (mom n dad divorced) for 2 years and he passed on a year ago. I've been treated for treatment resistant depression for 20 years and I've had therapy. Doesn't really help especially with my anger. I would like to go visit my friend in Texas but I wouldn't leave my mother alone. I have 2 dogs and she has accidently allowed one to sneak out the door. Also it shouldn't be her responsibility to care for them. I like the comment crap blizzard. It is a very good description. I would have to say i have gone over the deep end a few times. i usually go in my closet, shut the door and cry. It's hard to share my experiences with other people because they don't understand or are tired of hearing about it. It's too late for my mother to realize that every now and then i know what i'm talking about. That's never going to happen and it hurts me very much. I feel trapped and pray I can hang in there. I'm 57 and would love to go to a nursing home myself. I appreciate your support and comments. Thanks
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Shootme, I feel the same way as you do. I am usually very calm with my mother, but she has not been that nice to us growing up and has probably had some type of emotional, if not mental illness that never got treated except by meds. She can act just perfect around other people but she's a completely person around her kids. She just stayed for 9 days in a Senior Care Psychiatric unit for diagnosis and medication modification and all they said is that she is depressed, and has dementia. I don't think that is all, but that is what we have to go on. The other day I let her have it with both barrells, and I felt really bad afterwards, but it's like "OK. If you can treat other people nicely at that hospital, why do you treat me like crap?" Then she cried and acted like a hurt little child and I felt guilty, so there you go. I understand, exactly what you are going through. I try to go out every day for a little while. I feel trapped and like I am spending my whole life with a person I really don't like that much. My husband says that I'm always nice to her even when she's being a brat, but once in a while I snap. She needs to live somewhere else, but can't afford it and really needs someone to watch over her, but has just enough to make it impossible for medicaid, too I am probably not helping you but maybe to know there are others like you might make you feel better. I have no family around to help me, and we don't live in our home area, so here we are. I have some day care options and private companion services lined up if I can't take it any more, which is going to be quick. I'd say if you've had your Mom since 2005 and haven't gone off the deep end, yet, you are doing GREAT!!!!
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My mother can sometimes talk too much, so sometimes I wear ear plugs. I've never told her that I wear ear plugs, to spare her feelings, but since it it cold where I live now, I wear a hat indoors (which covers up the ear plugs, so she definitely can not see them). I can still hear to some extent what she is saying, which is good, in case it is something important.
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Maybe instead of keeping your mouth shut, you could work on resolving some of those issues. Not in the midst of a battlefield, of course, but in calmer moments.
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yea i suppose walking away is good advice. crap blizzards are just more memorable.. either is a refusal to cooperate till the approach is more civil.
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shootme - such an honest post! It can be very difficult. As mentioned above; a lot of us understand all too well what you are experiencing. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I learned to walk away when I felt like snapping - it was not easy; but you learn after a while how to do it. Bless you for your kind heart and all you do.
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maybe she uses various tactics to try and manipulate you. get her in the frame of mind that nagging at you is the surest way to not get your cooperation. ditto for guilt tripping .. hard to explain but i raised my kids in a similar way. be nice to me im nice to you, treat me like crap theres going to be a crap blizzard, so lets all be nice.. when shes nice cooperate with her. when shes a jerk dig your heels in and be a jerk. she'll catch on..
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Shootme, Oh, I understand, completely. I think a lot of us on here do. This is the place to come vent. Yell, scream, whatever. We are all here for you.
As JessieBelle said, you need a break. God Bless!
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Have you considered getting therapy for the sake of your own well being, not because there is anything wrong with you?
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shootme, many of us go through this. It sounds like you need some time away from your mother. Is she able to stay by herself for a while so you can take a trip? Or do you have siblings that she could visit for a while? Is there a reason she didn't return to her home when the area was being rebuilt?

Please let us know a bit more and maybe someone will have some good ideas about what to do.
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