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The harder I try, the meaner she is to me. I am the youngest of four and have two Sisters and a Brother (I am 53 now). I was always bullied and teased by my parents and, as a result, my siblings. My family saw nothing wrong in this and I have been scape-goated all of my life by them. My parents marriage was not built from a loving relationship and was more of a practical deal. Having children was just something they did because they could and not because they wanted to pass on the best to us.

My Mother is the quiet half of twins and her lovely sister has told me that when they were children my Mother manipulated things so that her Sister would take the blame for her mistakes and also that my Grandmother was cruel and brutal to my Aunt. My Mother's Father died suddenly when she was 14.

My Mother spreads gossip and lies about me and my family no longer talk to me because she has told them I am monster. She says I am twisted - that she hates me - that I have ruined her life and she would not care if I died. She tries to turn my children against me too

There are no photographs of me as a baby and she says she never meant to have three daughters. I therefore assume I was meant to be a boy or was a mistake. I never had a bedroom of my own and had to share with my very mean older sister.

My Father is now 91 and totally disabled. He likes to see me because I cheer him up and I am the only one bothered with him. She is cruel to him too and I have had to call her GP in the past because of this. But she has told me that I am no longer welcome.

Lately I have decided that it is time I stepped away and left her to it because of the debilitating effect her behavior has on me.

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No doubt in my mind you should walk away and not look back. If she becomes ill let the others step in and do the caring dont get sucked back in, your own health both mental and physical is to important. Build a life without the abuse. We cannot chose our family but we can chose our relationship with them. A very dear person in my life chose to walk away from an abusive father after 40 years. He cut off all communication and his life has gotten so much better. There are still deep painful scars that may remain forever but at least no fresh wounds from day to day contact. Start the healing process now while you still have many years ahead to enjoy life. I wish you the best, I have seen this up close and personal so I understand how hard it is. Hugs to you my dear.
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I'd maintain a relationship with your aunt (mom's twin) and that's about it. The rest of the bunch sound like a group of horrible humans. Your siblings may be able to see the whole picture at some point, but if they've all gone along with mom's program of lies and manipulation, I'd just walk away from them all - including dad, who evidently never did much to protect you.

Make your own life. I have a framed saying a friend gave me, "Friends become our chosen family." So make your own "new" family of caring people and let your biological family go. Hugs...
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You are 53, your children are still young,( I am guessing 20s) and you raised them so they should be able to see the truth, or be kept mostly away from toxic grandmother! Stay in touch with your father as much as you sanely can, and let mom go.. you will not win. Save yourself!
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Given what you've written, I think the question also could be: why would you even WANT to be involved with her at this point? Move on with your life.
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4th try at this! Your circumstances are so familar that it's difficult to respond. What I will say is - a long time ago I stopped letting my mother manipulate my feelings towards my father. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. For the last 30 years of his life my father was my best friend - I treasure every moment I had with him. If you want a relationship with your father do not let your mother ruin that for you. It's not easy - trust me, I know.
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Good decision! Now it is time to step away and leave Mother to her own ways. You couldn't help her treatment of you when you were a child. You can now. Do it.

It sounds like your father was not totally guiltless of the dysfunction in your family. And yet you can have some kind of relationship with him now. Which probably means you have such a relationship with your mother, if she would allow it. She won't. Back off.

It is kind of sad to turn your back on your father at this point. But he apparently didn't come to your defense when you were being mistreated. So do what you have to do now.

Can Father have phone conversations? Would a card or note in the mail regularly cheer him up? Don't abandon him if you can avoid it. But, yes, step away from Toxic Mom.
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Ask your kids if they really believe in any way that the things your mother says about you are true; tell them you know she is saying things that have made others in the family hate her, with whatever you already know she has said. It may take that kind of an effort to keep them from becoming estranged from you, to keep the lines of communication open. And get mom's sister to share with them about their upbringing too, if she would. Maybe they can be still welcome there, just neither arguing with Mom nor believing her, and can be a comfort to your dad.
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Oops I meant hate you, not hate her, sorry!!
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