Elderly Mom is sleeping all the time and it is affecting my mental health. Any suggestions?

It does sound like your mom is depressed, even though she doesn't want to admit it. Since you're able to talk with her dr., maybe you can see if they will prescribe an antidepressant.
Other than that, you are correct in saying that you cannot change your mom, only yourself. Make sure when she is in bed and resting that you are getting out of the house and going and having some fun with your friends, or even by yourself. Going to lunch with friends, going shopping, or just for a walk around the neighborhood, can do wonders for your mental health.
Don't let moms choice to stay in bed, drag you down. You have a lot of living yet to do, so get out there and start taking care of you.

If your mom is not feeling well what does she think is the problem?
Does she have a nice place to sit, comfortable, temp pleasant for her? A view? does she have a tv in her bedroom? Even if she sits in a chair, better than staying in bed too much.
If she is not feeling well, maybe a visit with her doctor would help for her to discuss. I know it’s common for elders to say they are fine when asked but sometimes they will confide in a doctor or nurse things they don’t want to bother you with.
Does she have a wheel chair or rollator? Perhaps a walk outdoors in the evening or early morning would help. Does she come to the table for meals? Have a change in appetite? You don’t mention what your moms health concerns are so it’s a little difficult to be helpful. Might be way off here.
If you take her temp, her O2/pulse, BP, pay close attention to her elimination, you might ferret this out. How long has she been staying in bed? I know you say the trend is more often but keep a journal. Also weigh her. Is she bathing, regular, getting dressed each day? Combing her hair?
I can tell you of the half a dozen or more elders I have paid close attention to, At 88 they are doing fine. (except for two, one has Parkinson’s, the other had COVID, stroke and dementia. Even he is still up and about. Not staying in bed.)
But I don’t know what your moms health issues are.
My DH aunt, almost 95, with dementia and now on hospice, moved into her bedroom pretty much 24/7. She recently fractured or sprained her ankle (exray couldn’t tell) so now she is not getting up to sit in her chair. She would never admit to being depressed but she has been on an antidepressant for a few years and we increased it this year. It seemed to help for awhile. Right now she is confused why she is in bed but doesn’t want to get up. I can understand her staying in because she has lots of reasons. She is still bathed and changed daily and is noticeably feeling better. Next week her therapy will start.
So it’s an individual thing but do a thorough evaluation. If your mom is going into a decline, you will have a baseline. When you talk to the doctor you can provide that info. It makes her feel cared for and it lets you know that you are doing what you can.
A change of scenery is often a good tonic. Calling a friend or relative she can speak to might perk her up.
And of course, watch for signs of COVID and UTI.

As FG said don’t let yourself get run down. It won’t help either of you.

Getting old is exhausting. My mom said the other day how tired she gets just doing one thing each day (for example: 3 loads of laundry will put her down for 2 days). At 91 I expect nothing from her.

Sometimes we have expectations that simply are not possible to meet with our elders. I'd make sure she's hydrated, fed healthy food choices and bathed regularly and if she chooses to sleep the rest of the time, who is she hurting?

88 can be fantastic! It can also suck. Does her doctor have any advice about what might be causing your mother to feel unwell and want to stay in bed all the time?

Be sure you have all the information first before you make any attempts to, er, change her behavior.

The service I work for takes care of people aged (so far) 22-101. We have clients of your mother's age who are doing brilliantly: I saw two just today who continue to make progress with washing, dressing and mobility; one has asked for an extra handrail so that she get back out to her garden as her next goal; one has invested in brand new hearing aids now that she's changed her mind about having "had enough."

Whatever her underlying health conditions, there may still be ways of motivating your mother to take more interest in life, perhaps for only an hour or two each day, perhaps restoring a more positive outlook to her more generally. But get professional advice based on professional assessment; and meanwhile can you do anything about respite breaks for yourself?

Did her doctor do a full lab workup. Low potassium will make you tired and depressed. Thyroid will cause problems. I would rule that out first. Doctor could describe a depression med as a pill to bring up her energy level. Has she had her heart checked?

If everything comes up as being good, then let her sleep.

My 94+ year old mother would have either died or taken to her bed long ago if she hadn't been living in Assisted Living and now Memory Care Assisted Living since 2014. She's got a bunch of others to schmooze with, a bunch of activities to keep her busy, and 3 meals and 3 snacks a day to keep her entertained, not to mention mini bus trips once a month at least. She doesn't feel good a day in her life with chronic pain, depression, dementia and a terrible outlook on life, but the hubbub in the ALF keeps her engaged. If she lived with me, she'd have died of boredom long ago, or her chronic pain would keep her in bed, I'm sure. In the Memory Care AL, the residents have to be up and dressed every day by 10am the latest, so she has no choice in the matter until she's on hospice. The doc is changing her anti depressants on Thursday to something stronger to help stabilize her mood swings.

You have no info at all in your profile, so it's hard to give you advice about your mom's situation. Ask her doctor what s/he thinks is the best course of action to take, if anything.

Best of luck

OnlyDaughter, I think sleeping a lot is very common in the elderly. I was just this minute talking to my hubs about how both his elderly parents 85 and 92 yrs. of age both sleep so much. He goes over to their place a few days a week and stays there to help them with anything they may need and he gets frustrated cause all they do is sleep.

My mother during her last few years also mostly slept. It is sad to see especially if you would like to interact with your mom but I guess if it makes her happy then try to accept it. I would get her to a doctor if this a new behavior for her cause there could possibly be an underlying health reason for this.

When we all get old we'll probably sleep a lot and then suddenly understand why our parents did.

My mom who's also 89 also sleeps a considerable part if each day. I read recently--probably on Aging Care 😊--that oftentimes the elderly sleep so much out of boredom-!! But, when you think about it, that makes sense. TV gets old, the ability to sew or knit or do handcrafts gets more difficult, reading may be harder to do--so with less stimulation boredom takes hold.

You have stated the solution to this.
"I find I can not change her behavior ...Maybe only how I react to it."
You have to change how you react.
Sleeping more is common.
You do not have anything in your profile detailing what problems your mom has so it is difficult to accurately provide answers.
With dementia increased sleeping is common and is used as a guide for how much a person has declined.
Some medications can cause increased sleepiness.
If mom is doing well otherwise and her doctor is not concerned then I would not be concerned.
But....
How active is mom?
Do you take her out for walks?
Do you take her for a drive?
Is she engaged when she is awake?
Have you given her tasks to do? Sort socks, fold towels, dust, peel vegetables, do puzzles, art, music????
Having a goal or purpose is important.

I can’t say that my dad sleeps all the time because the opposite is true of him. He is 93 and has more energy than is good for him and it’s exhausting as well as depressing for my 88 yr old mother, his wife and caregiver.
He wakes up at 7am and does not lay down again until 10pm. Medicine to relax him didn’t help.
He is in full dementia swing all day long.
I guess what I’m saying is no matter how it plays out, dementia is hard on everyone.

Depressed people often don't know they are depressed. Or if they have an idea they might be, they may not want to admit it. Or if you're elderly and have dementia, then all bets are off.

Try not to let this bother you. You are looking into it. You have talked to her, to her doc, etc. You are not just ignoring it. Try to engage her. Does she need to get up for meals? Is she capable of walking to the table to eat? Help her if needed, but maybe trying to get her up for at least short stints would make both of you feel better. Maybe get her out in the sunshine! That's always good for a person. Getting her outside on the early side of the day could help her melatonin and get her circadian rhythm back on track. But OTOH, at 88, she may just have had it and be tired.

I agree with someone else about blood work. Could be something simple that could give her back some of her energy.

Good luck!

My mom lived to be 95. She slept a lot! Mostly in her recliner. Some older people don’t have much energy. Mom would get exhausted just walking from her bedroom to the kitchen table. Many times I brought food to her room to eat.

After doctor appointments, she was wiped out! At one time we would enjoy stopping somewhere for lunch afterwards.but that changed and she was ready to go home to relax in her chair again.

It’s tiring for caregivers because I always felt as if I was living the same life as my mom. It’s hard for a younger caregiver to remain so sedentary. I would ride my exercise bike to move for awhile. I used to go for walks but there came a time that I couldn’t leave my house, so I had to use my bike more.

You have great recommendations here. Start with her PCP. Does she have a UTI, unbalanced blood glucose, hypothyroid, (whatever). Medical issues must be ruled out first and foremost. If she is healthy, help her get up and going in the morning. Plan her day for her. Get her into a senior program with something to do. You will find out immediately if this is "I won't" or she can't. Mom might just be old and tired. Find a place where she can be comfortable during the day reading, watching TV or dozing. Then, as long as she is safe, you can get on with what you need to do. What you do have to accept is that Mom can't be your roommate anymore. She can no longer do what she used to, and you need to learn what help she will need and decide if you can do it or someone else is needed.

You should have her dr evaluate her if she is not feeling well.

At 89 my father was wishing he'd died already. He felt old, tired and useless - especially as the falls and dementia were taking over his life. Dad's loss of independence took a big toll on him. He lived until 91 but did less and less - he lived and slept in his recliner - he even died in that recliner. Yes he was depressed but for him it was more being tired of life and waiting for death to visit him. He constantly asked why he wouldn't die - he was afraid his heart wouldn't stop; he was afraid God had forgotten about him. At one point I told him that maybe he hadn't finished his work on this earth.

On the other hand, mom turned 88 this year and is doing well - I actually moved her last week from AL back to IL - she was in AL because dad had needed it. The first year after dad's death she didn't want to move - but after being in lock down for the past year and the decline in the facility she lived in all of a sudden she couldn't wait to move. Mom just continues to plug along.

I wish you luck.

Sleeping all the time is not normal, She needs to get up and out more. My grandma lived to 98 and went out with my mom most days of the week. She also napped after lunch and tended to go to bed earlier than my mom or myself, but she was used to getting up at 5 am when she was younger.

Could she be needing more social stimulation? Mom's memory care facility made a practice of keeping all the residents out of their rooms and engaged in multiple daily activities. She was discouraged from having a TV in her room. Even during Covid residents were kept in the open areas so even if they just sat and watched they were at least being engaged.

My sister works in a large Masonic Village community. She said the isolation caused by the Covid lockdown was apparent in residents at all levels of care.

Is it possible to take your mother to an adult daycare a day or two a week so she gets a chance to interact with others?

I believe our aging loved ones, like young children, need sensory stimulation. For my husband I try to accomplish this with many things -- reminiscing conversations, listening to beautiful music, watching movies together, I read aloud to him, take him for a ride in the car and sometimes go to DQ for ice cream cone or a malt, whatever I can think of. I wish you well. I was getting depressed and am doing these things as much for me as I am for my husband. It helps.

My Mom (90) sleeps a great deal too. She loves her bed and bedroom. She's not depressed, just very tired. After I bathe her she will need to nap. If I force her to get up she dozes off on the couch or outside in a deck chair. I read that elderly folks with dementia do not get enough REM sleep so need more. I decided that when she's asleep, that's blessed time to myself.

Close the door, let her sleep and get on with your life. Arrange a time that someone comes and sits with her so that you can get out and do something you enjoy.
It may help to join even an online group of carers with more interaction and chat than this. Sleeping more is not uncommon and you need to find things to do that stop you getting depressed.
I also think a chat with a suitable therapist may help you, there may well be issues other than mother sleeping which are adding to your depression.

My parents sleep late and nap constantly, especially while I am working (from home) all day. Every time I do get up, I seem to have to wake my dad up, as he is slumped over in his wheelchair. I cannot be their daily cruise director of activities. It is miserable to watch, especially because I am a scheduled person - get up, have a plan. If nap is the plan, then go lie down! So frustrating and upsetting. I’m trying to get myself back to a counselor.

My mother is in a memory care unit and had periods when she spent a lot of time in bed. Now she is no longer mobile, and the staff get her up, dress her and sit her up in a "geri" chair so she can sit and look out the window. The chair is on wheels and can also be rolled to the dining room. Medicare most likely will pay for a geri chair if you have room for one in your apartment (they're large, and safe and they can be set to several positions: recline or be sitting up straight and in between). I've seen that around age 90 is often a turning point for people where the body (and sometimes the mind) wears out. Accept your mother for what she is and focus on making her comfortable and as happy as she and you can be. It's not easy watching a loved one decline. My mother relates best to a radio. Staff in her facility keep the radio turned on to a station she enjoys, so that she can listen to music and talk. Get connected with a social worker and caregiving groups so that you also learn more about what to expect as your mother ages and what options are available for her and for you as a caregiver. You are doing a great thing by caring for her. Kudos to you! Also take care of your own needs.

Rather she admits it or not. She might not even know but. She is probably depressed.

She is probably on some kind of medication that makes her this way.

Why don't you first start with all the Rxs she is on. Most all Seniors are taking way too many med's than needed.
Every RX you take does something else to your body.

Try laying off most all of everything she takes except the absolute life or death ones.

Also, even if she's taking a pill for something wrong with her, if she'll probably die before from old age than whatever the pill is for, stop with the pill.

Every med you take does something else which in turn makes you have to take another med.

Specially the ones they always give in Senior Homes to calm them or for anxiety, ect.

Lack of mental stimulation. Boredom. Depression. Simply being old. Meds. Feeling life has no purpose. Loss of social interaction. All of these things could be factors.

A big one is lack of taking in enough fluids. I literally monitor daily exactly what Mom drinks and eats. Pedialyte is mandatory daily. Two to three quarts of water. Milk. I prepare her meals and sit beside her when needed to make sure she eats. I also watch movies with her in my living room. We study the Bible together. It takes a lot of effort to keep her alert and interested in living life. Think about it. The elderly have lived through all the phases of teen yrs. The excitement of marriage and raising a family. Grandchildren. The older one gets the less useful others make them feel. They feel invisible most of the time.

We care so much don't we! If I were you, I would let mom sleep as long as there is no illness for the excessive sleep, her daily nourishment and hygiene issues have been taken of, etc.

I recently brought my dad in my home and this busy body is setting on my nerves already. So I'm thinking of trying adult daycare for a while.

Ask her to come into the den & watch TV or listen to some music with you. She may say she's not depressed but she needs to get out of bed and out of the room unless she's physically sick or in the process of dying. Change of scenery might help her feel better. Ask her if she'd like to go for a ride. Suggest she come out to the kitchen for a treat. Invite a friend of hers over if she's agreeable. She may just need some motivation. My mom would sit in her chair & watch TV & talk with me at times. I tried to keep my mom active & we would go out to have her hair done every Saturday. During the last year of her life, she did sleep more during the day & for most of the night, occasionally getting up to use the bathroom. In the morning I would wake her up, bathe & dress her. She would sit in her chair & then fall asleep. I would wake her up for meals & taking her to the bathroom every 3 hours. Every day she would sleep more & more. It was harder to get her active. Look for signs of depression such as weight gain or loss, change in sleep habits especially sleeping more, lack of interest in hobbies or things she usually enjoys, poor hygiene, irritability, etc. Report any of these to her doctor in case treatment may be necessary. Hopefully you'll be able to help your mom. 🙏🙏

I’ve been told that as we age, we require more sleep. As long as she hydrated, eating, and comfortable, let her rest. My grandfather was 102 years old and finally slept most of the day in a hospital bed. I dreaded seeing him in that condition because it wasn’t like him. I wanted him to be up and talking. But my aunt whispered to me to let him rest—he deserved it. Let your mom rest. She deserves it.

Imho, my late 94 year old mother got 12 hours of sleep per night. Yet her only activity during the day was making her bed, eating her meals and watching television. However, she exclaimed "Why am I so tired?" As soon as she sat down in a chair, she would fall asleep. It is not uncommon for elders to be tired quite easily.

Can she express a little more about "not feeling well" to you?

This past year has wreaked havoc with everyone, not just your mom. While some certainly may be "winding down" and need more rest, one thing I have found is lack of movement leads to being more tired, which leads to more lack of movement and so on....

When she is awake and more alert, can you encourage her to take a walk? Even a short one? Every day try a few more steps and see how it goes. If she uses a walker, hopefully it is a rollator, so that if she does "tire out", you can have her sit on it to rest or use it to roll her back. Fresh air might be good as well.

Even if she naps after the tiring walk, any movement would be better than none - she would have been napping anyway! Maybe another short walk after her nap... If not a walk, then some light chair exercises. The body can get too used to not moving and slow down. So long as there isn't anything medically wrong, some "exercise" to get her body moving again might help.

My 96 yr old mother is sleeping more now than 6 months ago. She swears she doesn’t sleep at night, but she does.
When she is awake she wants to sew, go grocery shopping, bake something, go somewhere, go on vacation. Call someone to come cutdown her very, very large tree in her backyard, someone to blacktop her driveway, take food to a sick neighbor. All awake time she has BIG plans. In reality, she can not do anything. Can’t walk more than a few steps before she has to rest. Can’t hear anything unless you are screaming at her, can’t see almost everything. Can’t finish ANYTHING she starts, it’s up to me to finish once she gets started. She gets mad if I tell her no, that I am not going to do things “with” her.
I could go on forever, this is just the tip of the storm.
I say if your mom wants to sleep, LET HER!! I have been on this merry go round for almost 8 yrs, 24/7/365. JMO, In my world, her sleeping is the ONLY TIME I have any peace.
And as others have said, see that she eats, drinks enough, and is clean.
I wish you luck!

Hummmm.... you are clearly concerned about your mom. Yet, the doctor does not recommend anything???
Perhaps you already have a good plan in place of nutrition, hydration, supplements, exercise, and appropriate medications. But, by the age of 88, we do need to be closely managing these things. If your doctor is not talking to you and your mom about her nutrition, fluid intake, vitamins, etc, consider a geriatric specialist.

Also, a geriatric nurse practitioner will do an annual medicaid wellness check which is a survey encompassing all components of health and wellness. This kind of assessment might be very useful for you.