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MY mom has begun to see things like cats that aren't there and a child in front of her, she thought was real. She did not know who it was. My brother recently moved in with her, is not really caring for her, I can't communicate with him and it is upsetting her. I only see her every 6 weeks, but she is frailer and in pain. She is 90. She forgot I was coming, unusual for her, and she did not know who I was when I first got there. There is a strong urine smell but there usually is. She won't let me know who her doctor is, won't get a caregiver although the place looks a mess and she isn't able to feed herself right. She won't let me contact the Area Aging office and I don't want to get my brother in trouble because that would upset her more. I am very concerned for her health and well-being. Any suggestions?

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It sounds as if your mother has dementia unless she is taking medications that have dementia like side effects or she has an infection that is causing these issues.

You seem to be afraid that your mom will be upset if you contact an agency because it may get your brother in trouble. Have you had a good, non-intimidating talk with your brother? In other words, have you discussed your mom's symptoms without blaming him and suggested that you work together to get her into a doctor? It could be that he just doesn't know what to do. If your brother is deliberately keeping your mom from getting the care she needs, then you shouldn't worry about what your mom thinks. Call Adult Protective Services and ask for a welfare check.

Please let us know how things progress.
Take care,
Carol
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Vegaslady has some good advice. Notifying APS won't necessarily get your brother in trouble, unless they find evidence that he's neglecting or abusing her. Why can't you communicate with him? Are the two of you feuding, or is he mentally ill, or both?

Your mother needs to be seen by a doctor. The fact that she's resisting makes it harder, but you must insist, for her sake. If you had a child who was ill and didn't want to go to the doctor you'd take her anyway, right? The same holds true for your mother; she's unable or unwilling to do what's right for her health, so you have to step up.

I sympathize with you. I have spinal problems, and a MIL who is sinking rapidly into dementia but is "too busy" (hoarding and sorting through stacks of junk mail) to see a doctor. I suspect it's because she's afraid of what he'll tell her. That may be why your mother is resisting: fear of being deemed "senile" and being sent to a nursing home.

I wouldn't be surprised if things are going on with your mother, like falls and episodes of wandering, that she and your brother are keeping from you. It's not good that she isn't eating properly, is in pain, and her home isn't clean.
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Haven, get your back surgery, get the two weeks of rehab if you can, and take very good care of yourself. Let those two do as they will, you made a good effort and that is all any of us can do. Be kind to your own soul first.
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The hallucinations of animals and small children are common and aren't usually scary. Some people even seem to enjoy them. If she isn't afraid of them don't worry about those. Living in bad conditions and not being able to feed herself is another matter. So is living in pain. Skip the brother and get in touch with her doctor right away. Maybe he can prescribe pain meds and some health care services for her. If that doesn't work, and you can't arrange to fill in the gaps of care, call APS and get it done. Good Luck.
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The notices from Medicare show the date and of the service provider. Don't expect Adult Protective Services to tell you who her doctor is. You are on the right track to dig up the doctor info. If you know her pharmacy, fax them a copy of your POA and ask for what you want to know. Actually, do you know if she is even under a doctor's care at all now? How recently has she been seen?
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Be very firm with your brother--your mom needs to get a full physical and mental evaluation ASAP! Could it be that he is not capable of doing this (mental or physical illness)? If they both need help, call the Area on Aging yourself...they are used to dealing with those who say they don't need help and probably can give you some good advice.
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Strong urine smell on her skin and clothes would suggest kidney failure. See an MD about this asap.
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Even a bladder infection can cause a great deal of confusion in the elderly. This happens to my MIL. She always says she is ok and does not need to see the doctor - but always feels better afterwards. He tells her she is doing great for an 'old person.' He has a good sense of humor and she enjoys seeing him. Thank goodness. It is just hard to get her to agree to go but she is always glad and relieved once she does go.
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My brother does not answer my phone calls, I cannot talk to him, he isn't even there when I drive 2 hours to get there. I called the Aging Office and told them the situation. They called my mom and she got very annoyed with me. I found out the name of her doctor's office, called them, they called her, not me, even though I have a Medical POA and this upset her also. She turned down Meals on Wheels, says it would cost too much. She does not want any assistance cleaning her house or getting assistance from the county to help pay expenses for things like home care if she needs it. She only wants me to help her (she wants to clean out her house of junk before she dies) and I am going to need back surgery and will be out of the picture for awhile.
What am I supposed to do? Let them suffer the consequences of their stubborn behavior rather than let it drive me nuts? Even at 90, she still seems to be in her right mind about some things, just refuses to accept care even though she needs it. And getting mad at me for trying to help does not help our relationship. I refuse to clean out that house without assistance. It's too hard living 2 hours away and having my brother move his junk in there. I told her he won't call me and she said he's just not sociable. She won't even stand up to him! I just want to go on about my life and forget about them, I am so tired of being treated like a Pest! Maybe I should call her Elder Law Attorney...
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Oh, and I can't talk to my brother because he doesn't talk to me...He has PTSD from Vietnam War and thinks his opinions are the only right ones. He listens to Rush Limbaugh and thinks I am a liberal because I don't agree with that crap. Mentally ill?? If bullheaded is mentally ill, then yes, I guess so, but I could never prove it.
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