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my husband and i have lived with my grandparents' in law for several years, helping with chores, errands, ect. last january, grandpa passed away. about 3 months afterwards, grandma went downhill. she started secluding herself, loss of interest in socializing, hobbies, ect. For months I figured it was normal aging and grief. she is 80 now. anyways, she started showing early signs of dementia, and continued to get worse. She started being angry and cruel, insulting, blaming us for her problems and yes, even blamed us for grandpas death even though he passed from a broken leg and hip. she forgets literally everything, entire conversations, words, people, ect. she got lost for five hours going to get her hair cut at a place shes been going for several years. she neglects hygeine, and neglects safety. so about a couple months ago, my husband finally got to talk to her doctor, shes been refusing anyone to contact her doctor. he told the doctor about his concerns, because she wanted to know. he told her about what i mentioned above, and more, told her about how we looked up the signs of dementia and we are concerned about her health and safety.all she said was " ive heard so many stories over the years and i dont know who the bad guy is but sshe is already on anti depressants so i cant help". we were shocked. grandma always complains to people about us, she makes us look like monsters, even though we literally do everything we can to help her. she refuses help, and never listens to us and starts saying really mean things. The family members wont even talk to her anymore, and we had asked for help, which they refuse. my mother in law offered help but we rejected because she steals everything. a few years back she forced her way in, built up their trust, started taking her credit card and blew 30,000$ in an 8, month period. she justs wants to rob her and we wont let that happen. but please if anybody has any advice on what to do, it would be very much appreciated.

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Sorry not $8000... It's "$30,000"
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Shop around before you fire him.
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Absolutely need a gerontologist to diagnose and refer her for psych evaluation by a specialist in dementia. You MUST do this for to do nothing would be neglect of her well being so take the bull by the horns, contact social services and get them involved. It may even be that she can get meds that will help her - my mum is on meds which are great for her and her diagnosis but don't EXPECT this some people don't fare well on meds and some deteriorate and some dementias are not suitable for the type of meds mum has so place your trust in a professional and clinical diagnosis of her condition. Do explain to the social services that you have spoken to the doctor who is not being helpful here and that you are at a loss as to how to help her lead the optimum life that she can. Good luck sweetheart and prepared to get the run around - it sadly seems to be the way of things
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I agree that you MUST have the POA, including the medical POA, or a separate Health Surrogacy and Living Will form all in order asap. Exactly what you need depends on your state laws.

The Dr. refused to help by telling you she doesn't know how. Your G'ma-i-l needs a geriatric psychiatrist for the antidepressant. Possibly a geriatric internist or GP MAY be experienced enough to handle her needs, but I wouldn't recommend taking the chance. Ask around with other people likely to know such a Dr. as the 1st one I recommended. Once you have a name, you can check them out on the internet where their specialties and hospitals they practice at are usually listed along with patient reviews. Note how many reviews most Drs. receive and how many the Dr. you're interested in receives. For instance, in my area, 10-15 is a lot of reviews for a specialist Dr. online.

Not treating her depression is cruel. Depression can be very painful. Sometimes people who've never had it just can't understand.

Putting your G'ma-i-l in Day Care or 24/7 Memory Care sounds like a good idea because she appears to be taking her anger out on you two. How can you do a good job if she's rebelling against your care? It's not at all your fault and I hope she can afford it. You also will suffer in health if this keeps up. Let others who take turns working shoulder the burden, which may lessen as her environment changes dramatically. You are due for a break if possible.
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So your m-i-l took your husband's grand-ma's credit card then charged up to $8000.... did she pay her back? If your GP-i-L has asset why not hire for her experienced home health aide( sometimes outside caregiver works better than family members because family CG seems to burnout fast) or she could attend the Adult Day Care. I don't agree with elderly person takes so much Rx....She needs to be with her peers! I understand you and your husband are doing best for her, but I wouldn't think getting any better.....
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Who has her POA's? You need to get that done asap while she still understands. It may be time for her to be cared for by others. And the socialization of an assisted living community would be good for her as well. You cannot help someone that does not want it.

Was the doctor a geriatrician? If so get a reeferral to a neurologist if not get her in to see a geriatrician. But get that POA addressed, now!
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