My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

The brain he's thinking with is a little more south of the border I guess.

From the Original Poster. I did a background check on her and she came out clean. Funny though a marriage license with an 87 yr. old man locally 1 yr+ ago--guess it never panned out. There is nothing the police can do about a golddigger and a horny old man. I spoke to his Dr. and they deem him sane. Nothing Child & Family Services can do - he's a man with a fiancee. JUST showed my face at their "Engagement Party" in our condo building social room to finally meet this GD.. Sad sight, hardly anyone showed up, a plate of crackers with cheese and uncooked hotdogs on the stove. -so much for her great cooking and loving personality. He is considering moving her drug addict son into the building since he was shot in a drug related issue. As stated before he has purchased 1/2 of her 2 vacation homes, redone his will and is showering her with gifts. He has lost his mind, but I cannot prove it. I want to thank you all for your support and there is nothing I can do until he falls on his face again. None of the other siblings care or will be around - I may not either. If there is an end to this saga, I will let you all know.. Blessings to All..

I was wondering about this, too, gmbyacht.

Any news on the Florida Freakshow woman?
I hpoe YOU are doing alright, gmbyacht

Unless you can prove him incompetent, you SHOULD back off. I do agree though about running a background check on this freakshow woman. If she checks out, there really isn't much you CAN do. Just let Dad know you are there if he needs you and BE there when he calls, because he will be calling, guaranteed.

Amen, rip!

Again - please contact the vice squad in your local police department.
If this wonan is involved with illegal activity, adult protective services will not be able to enforce the law.

If her background is clean & innocent, then APS may help.
If she has a history of prostitution, your father will be devasted.
You will feel worse.
Please, trust your instincts. God gave us intuition for a reason.

Don't be afraid to step back from the situation. He is an adult.
So are you.
You can do just so much before your heart explodes.
Please, don't let that happen ......

gmbyacht, I am sorry your Dad has gotten himsefl caught in such a tangled web. The woman is parasitic. I would report it to his bank and to the police and let try to hold onto my sanity. One of my dear relatives went through this with her parent who was not alcoholic, just on the road to Alzheimers. The gold-digging con woman wound up with my relative's car and his monthly income and would have gotten the house had the property taxes been up-to-date. It was a nightmare for my relative to get rid of her, but until the money was totally gone, the con woman thug was in charge. The story makes me sick to my stomach to hear that it happens to anyone. If you choose to report it, you will still need to be able to create a little emotional distance if that doesn't work to put an end to it. Otherwise, the situation will drive you crazy, or drive you to drink. Not worth it. I sure hope you have some success in trying to get this woman out of his life, but I seriously wonder whether you will e able to do that, or not. This is social cancer when it happens. Good luck!

thar ya go.....go for it GMB..call em even just to talk about the situation...they can help you!!!!!!!!

The Adult Protective Services Program is charged with protecting vulnerable adults from being harmed (Chapter 415, F.S.). These adults may experience abuse, neglect, or exploitation by second parties or may fail to take care of themselves adequately. Florida statutes require any person who knows or who has reasonable cause to suspect any abuse of vulnerable adults to report that information to the Florida Abuse Hotline.

exploitation by second parties



For more information on abuse, neglect and/or exploitation, contact the Florida Abuse Hotline at 1-800-962-2873

Alz...even if she calls them just for information it is still a great resource...seems she is scared to do it.

Right now it's Friday, and they are bureaucrats. Call 911 now, the police. I'll bet they have an elder abuse division, as that is retirement land, then they will rope in whomever is appropriate to investigate. Another thing to do is to ask someone else who is privy to the facts to do this for you. Let them be the ratfink...like ME. Just say someone on the forums must have figured it out.

I stopped a caregiver suicide on Twitter once. Spent hours watching the notes get more and more "serious" and the caregiver (a guy) obviously more and more drunk. I searched his twits from past and figured where he was located, figured his business, found his from biz website... and called the cops, who went right over. And he was indeed in the mood and drunk enough to do it. mostly he put his Alz mother at risk. Needless to say, he didn't twit after that. oh well. (The cops called me and gave brief report on what happened.)

WOW this is ripe for a Dr. Phil show totally. Oh my god...Alz your a good person who cares about this situation deeply I hope she listens to your idea about going to the Adult Protective services!!!!!!!!!

GMB - GIVE ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES A CALL!!!!!!

Where did she get the money at her age to own a home which she will keep in her name?
He is setting her up in with a massage parlour? Why can't she afford to do it herself?

This is beyond fishy
I smell the world's oldest profession here.

Please ~ contact the police vice squad with your concerns. This sounds beyond what adult protective services can handle.

Me again. You know what pisses me off? When family members let things get so dangerous for their parents cause they don't want to interfere or some BS reason. But if you saw something 1/10th as dangerous happen to an elderly neighbor down the street...or see someone abuse a dog...you'd be dialing 9/11 on the spot.

I have to admit I was in this quagmire. Sister brings over her violent pill bull that is charging at bike riders. Nieces bringing over stone boy friends. Calls from niece to bail her out of jail. Sisters throwing parties for themselves at my mother's house because their house is too messy. I was sort of dazed by this all, as sisters have as much "right" to their mother as I do.

But one day the alarm went off in my head and nothing was ever the same again. danger danger DANGER, you idiot (that would be ME). !!!! I took stock of my dangerous family and put on the brakes. There's a teen pedophile predator, a pathological liar, a few drunks and druggies, a sex addict porno writer (also gambler). Well, they are FAMILY. Check forgery, unrepaid loans, credit card abuse. Well, they are family, after all, what can I do.

It didn't actually work as planned, but "call the cops" is sort of what I did. Contacted a social worker at Mom's daycare, who had to report the financial abuse to the law, who then swooped in immediately and got conservatorship of Mom's affairs, with ME paying the price.

Really, how hard is it to call the police or Adult protective services? Just let them read the posts here for the background. One issue is letting the father drown in his own foolishness...the other is letting this criminal gold digger run loose. When she cleans your father out sufficiently, she'll move onto another sucker...and who knows if she isn't smooching up some other old fart at the same time, getting ready for the next move?

Good for you, AlzCaregiver! I am so surprised that the son who has POA is so unconcerned. Obviously the father didn't make a wise choice when naming who would have POA. Please let us know, AlzCaregiver, what happens with YOUR research into the matter. Good luck with trying to help.

For pete's sake, don't YOU do anything except report the woman to the police and/or the Adult Protective Services in his area. You've spent more time finding out how far he's slipping into this mess than it would have been for YOUR time to clean it up...that is pass it along to the police...NOW. SHE is the criminal here, taking advantage of diminished capacity. The police may even have a unit devoted to these elderly scams. Tell you what, post their names and their address on my private wall, and i will phone the police for you. And don't think I WON'T. I WILL.

How many of us are here screaming while this whole thing is getting out of control. Your brother should have stopped this ages ago. That woman should be in prison Now and has probably done this before. She is a smoothe operator obviously. She may not be 25 but 35 for all you know. doing this for a decade perhaps.

Wow, things are happening fast. You are correct - there is nothing illegal about a man having a fiance but a check into her past activities might show she is a criminal. But if your brother, who has POA, is not concerned now, it will be his mess as you say and not yours, to clean up later. I hope he will see that your father is cared for later on too if the gold-digger leaves him high and dry and much poorer. Thanks for letting us know what you decided to do.

Fr: Original Poster:
Dad is has now purchased 1/2 of 2 of the gold diggers vacation properties. She is holding onto her own personal nearby home in her name. Dad is in now in the process of setting her up in a massage parlor business. He loves and trusts her so much, he refuses to do a background check. Even if I did, he would not care or believe it. My brother with POA is happy for him!? Dad says he is going to have a pre-nupt - probably to save face-let's wait to see if she SIGNS IT.. My brother is going to be in a horrible mess when Dad passes or divorces her and has to clean up all his stupid mistakes. The GD may be long gone by then. Dad is self-destructive and honestly, I am through with him. I have wasted too much of my own life worrying about him. As far as the law getting involved - there is nothing illegal about a man having a fiance - I don't think that route would help. I am not his caretaker, have POA and this is not my problem anymore. Thank you all again for your support. I will tell you how this bad soap opera ends - when it does.

rip is right about gold diggers be they family or strangers, they are all in for the clearing em out, but no where to be found for the cleaning them up! We have a few family members not allowed to speak to other relatives for fear of an attempt to graft and grift and leach some money off em...

lcs, here, back again after reading all the comments posted after I posted mine. I was sure that this great community of caregivers would come through for you, gmbyacht! :-)

Getting the "law" involved in this situation seems to me to be a good idea - it might cut this little gold-digger off at the pass and maybe she will even end up in jail where she probably belongs. If your brother still has POA, he is the one that will have to deal with all the legal ramifications of what your father is doing now. I wonder if he realizes this? I am my mom's POA and I can tell you that if my mom was contemplating doing something like your father is now doing, I would be on top of it like a cat on a mouse. In fact, I have already taken steps with all my mom's banks that will prevent her being duped into withdrawing more than a specified amount without my agreement. But your brother, if he still has POA, may not be able to do this because you say your father isn't suffering that much from dementia - he is suffering from lack of common sense and is very stubborn (a very bad combination). As for what you will do (if the laws can't put a stop to this) when the gold-digger is gone and your dad is left alone again and much poorer, will be a horrid decision for you to have to make. But that's in the future and maybe you will never have to make such a decision. I agree with you: the serenity prayer offers good advice. Do what you can to protect your dad from his own stupidity by contacting the law and if that doesn't work (and I hope most sincerely that the law can stop the GD right in her tracks), become an observer. It doesn't appear to me that you can do anything more than that. Some people seem determined to self-destruct (I have a family member whom I fear leans in this direction). It must make you very angry that your father is being duped but don't let the little gold digger steal precious time away from YOUR life. Good luck with getting the law on your side. May the Force be with you.

I doubt she will be around long enough to deal with the daily ass wiping as we do.
She'll likely grab his finances & disappear.
I don't see a romance here.
Just a leech who has been trained in manipulation & probably has a crew to back her motives.

GMBYacht is the real victim here!

with sadness,
Rip

When I was 25 years old, the thought of having an old man my grandpa's age hanging off of me... ewwwww After setting that mental picture aside, what old man wouldn't want some young woman fawning over him? He HAS to know it's just because of whatever money she can get a hold on, but at his age he probably doesn't care. He's been around the block with enough women now, he probably figures he'll be going out in glory or something. I'd say get yourself out of his apartment building and leave him to his own undoing. BUT if it were me, I'd also go out with them BOTH knowing what I think of the whole thing. I'd be telling gold-digger that from now on SHE is going to be his full-time caregiver. SHE will be the one changing his diapers someday, wiping the drool off his face, and taking financial responsibility for his future care if they get married. Basically there is nothing you can do to upgrade your father's morals at this late date, so move out and move on. We all make our own decisions, no one holds a gun to our head and tells us what to do. Doesn't mean you have to like it though.

YOUR sanity & health is the main priority!
For both of you!

If this broad dumps him he will come crying back to you. Just like his past failed relationships.
It is not you fault!!!!

Meanwhile you are suffering from something you have no control of. The new fiance pulls his strings now.

You are but a memory - despite the sacrifices you made.

I'm with AlzCare - involve law enforcement.

Sounds like a scam. Especially living in Florida which is a target area like Arizona.
I hope your local police department has a unit that specializes in this type of fraud. If not, another nearby PD might have interest in it.

It won't hurt for you to contact them. They may be glad you did since this is an national epidemic.

Ach...get the police on to that woman. Have them arrive at their engagement party. Dont you get so involved after getting the police into the picture.

From original Poster:
I cannot believe all the literally love and support I have gotten over my issue. Thank you to all. I live in FL and guess this stuff is quite common all over. After I very first posted my issue, I did not hear from anyone. Now, Reading all these comments now makes me feel more empowered and not the victim. He did call and left a message saying he wanted to talk to me, I thought it was for him forgetting my birthday the other day and me crying over the phone about I did not appreciate how he was treating me- he was with her that week. No, he called to ask me if I wanted to come to his engament party in our building. I may have to face it that he is a self-obsorbed horny , drunk old man that I can no longer help. He has whatever is coming to him. p.s. he is not THAT dimented, just being stupid I think. I will consider all your recommendations, but at the end of the day, must preserve my own health and sanity.
.

YACHT:

In my culture, we refer to these men as "viejos verdes." The older they get, the younger they want them. Even when they know these young vixens are taking them for a ride, men like your dad feel more virile and "powerful" in their company.

He might go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde when he drinks but the bottom line is that they're both consenting adults and there isn't much you can do about it except get indignant and grossed out by the age difference. You you can't save people from themselves, especially those who can't see the forest for the trees. Sometimes they hit bottom and instead of picking themselves back up they start digging a hole to China in their relentless pursuit for immediate gratification, fulfillment, and happiness. You've tried to help him see the light (whatever light that is); it worked for a while, now it's happening all over again.

If she's in fact a gold-digging trickster, she'll be gone when he's down to his last $50. Just pray he doesn't put everything in her name. If he becomes so broke anyone who tries to mug him is just practicing and she still stands by him no matter what, then it's love or sheer stupidity.

You can't talk sense to a p___y-whipped 80 y/o man. His brain has fallen by the roadside somewhere. In the meantime, check up on him every once in a while to make sure he's still breathing. Definitely love him, but leave him alone. Try not to worry so much; he'll call when he finally wakes up. For now he doesn't need you, so take it as a blessing and find something else to do with your time.

-- ED

Call the police immediately. YOU don't have to handle it yourself, but get the authorities involved. This woman is a criminal and should be behind bars pronto. This is the kind of situation one reads about in the newspapers, it's that serious. Get it? She is a criminal, so let the authorities get going on her. Also call Dept of Adult Services at the same time.

Your father's affections are long since down the drain, seems like, but it would be nice to have this babe taken out of circulation. google this headline "Young Vixen Scammed Old Men" and you'll find lots of juicy terms to describe that what gal is pulling. Oh, this is a good paragraph from this article.

And did you know that "Under the provisions of New York State’s Hate Crimes Act of 2000, enhanced charges can be filed when a defendant commits a larceny and selects his or her victim because of their age which is defined as being 60 years of age or older"? This is totally Law & Order: Elder Fraud Unit.

Please act on behalf of all elders who are scammed in this way. If I'd known some of these things when I began caring for my mother, I wouldn't have let me sisters scam my mother out of her credit card, loans they refused to pay back, forged check, etc. If I had even heard the term "financial elder abuse," these tragedies would not have happened. But "Mom said it was OK" line got them thousands and thousands. They should be in Jail, but I'm left holding the bag for all of Mom's care while they were let loose, scott free.

Let's not have that happen to this bombshell. REPORT NOW, and have the law deal with her. Your father can just get over it, and perhaps get the mental help he needs.

WOW this really sucks...amazing that he is still hot to trot at that age....must be the last stab before the ship goes down syndrome. I would say as the others (micro nailed it on the head)...that try to do the court thing and if that does not work, then get ready she will clean him out, so your siblings better worry if they think there is any inheritance (does he have a life insurance policy $$$$$) that they will be left out in the cold, cause she could have him alter his will. What a cow...shame on her nasty a$$! I bet she has accomplicases! I feel for you, not something you should go through when your folks are in their golden years! She will clean him out and then file for divorce in some other state and yep you will be left still wiping his penniless butt. Too bad they don't have rat bait for this size of RAT!