My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

Right now it's Friday, and they are bureaucrats. Call 911 now, the police. I'll bet they have an elder abuse division, as that is retirement land, then they will rope in whomever is appropriate to investigate. Another thing to do is to ask someone else who is privy to the facts to do this for you. Let them be the ratfink...like ME. Just say someone on the forums must have figured it out.

I stopped a caregiver suicide on Twitter once. Spent hours watching the notes get more and more "serious" and the caregiver (a guy) obviously more and more drunk. I searched his twits from past and figured where he was located, figured his business, found his from biz website... and called the cops, who went right over. And he was indeed in the mood and drunk enough to do it. mostly he put his Alz mother at risk. Needless to say, he didn't twit after that. oh well. (The cops called me and gave brief report on what happened.)

Alz...even if she calls them just for information it is still a great resource...seems she is scared to do it.

The Adult Protective Services Program is charged with protecting vulnerable adults from being harmed (Chapter 415, F.S.). These adults may experience abuse, neglect, or exploitation by second parties or may fail to take care of themselves adequately. Florida statutes require any person who knows or who has reasonable cause to suspect any abuse of vulnerable adults to report that information to the Florida Abuse Hotline.

exploitation by second parties



For more information on abuse, neglect and/or exploitation, contact the Florida Abuse Hotline at 1-800-962-2873

thar ya go.....go for it GMB..call em even just to talk about the situation...they can help you!!!!!!!!

gmbyacht, I am sorry your Dad has gotten himsefl caught in such a tangled web. The woman is parasitic. I would report it to his bank and to the police and let try to hold onto my sanity. One of my dear relatives went through this with her parent who was not alcoholic, just on the road to Alzheimers. The gold-digging con woman wound up with my relative's car and his monthly income and would have gotten the house had the property taxes been up-to-date. It was a nightmare for my relative to get rid of her, but until the money was totally gone, the con woman thug was in charge. The story makes me sick to my stomach to hear that it happens to anyone. If you choose to report it, you will still need to be able to create a little emotional distance if that doesn't work to put an end to it. Otherwise, the situation will drive you crazy, or drive you to drink. Not worth it. I sure hope you have some success in trying to get this woman out of his life, but I seriously wonder whether you will e able to do that, or not. This is social cancer when it happens. Good luck!

Again - please contact the vice squad in your local police department.
If this wonan is involved with illegal activity, adult protective services will not be able to enforce the law.

If her background is clean & innocent, then APS may help.
If she has a history of prostitution, your father will be devasted.
You will feel worse.
Please, trust your instincts. God gave us intuition for a reason.

Don't be afraid to step back from the situation. He is an adult.
So are you.
You can do just so much before your heart explodes.
Please, don't let that happen ......

Amen, rip!

Unless you can prove him incompetent, you SHOULD back off. I do agree though about running a background check on this freakshow woman. If she checks out, there really isn't much you CAN do. Just let Dad know you are there if he needs you and BE there when he calls, because he will be calling, guaranteed.

Any news on the Florida Freakshow woman?
I hpoe YOU are doing alright, gmbyacht

I was wondering about this, too, gmbyacht.

From the Original Poster. I did a background check on her and she came out clean. Funny though a marriage license with an 87 yr. old man locally 1 yr+ ago--guess it never panned out. There is nothing the police can do about a golddigger and a horny old man. I spoke to his Dr. and they deem him sane. Nothing Child & Family Services can do - he's a man with a fiancee. JUST showed my face at their "Engagement Party" in our condo building social room to finally meet this GD.. Sad sight, hardly anyone showed up, a plate of crackers with cheese and uncooked hotdogs on the stove. -so much for her great cooking and loving personality. He is considering moving her drug addict son into the building since he was shot in a drug related issue. As stated before he has purchased 1/2 of her 2 vacation homes, redone his will and is showering her with gifts. He has lost his mind, but I cannot prove it. I want to thank you all for your support and there is nothing I can do until he falls on his face again. None of the other siblings care or will be around - I may not either. If there is an end to this saga, I will let you all know.. Blessings to All..

The brain he's thinking with is a little more south of the border I guess.

Is there anyone else out there that finds it hard to believe that all this is happening?

Thanks for the update. Please stay with us???

Yes, Ics, I wish I didn't believe its happening. I wonder how many names she uses ...
Sorry to be cynical. Past cop experience. It's a civil matter until something horribe occurrs.

I feel sympathy for you!
How old is her damaged son? If he's been shot I imagine he has enemies. Are you still living in the same complex?

Hope you are safe.

Rip

Fr: Original Poster,
Hey Rip and others, Many Thanks for keeping in touch.

The G.D. at one time used her most recent maiden name. This was from the 2nd husband who sold his business, bought them a house - up the road - then he suddendly died of a drug overdose? -8 yrs. ago. -He was only 50.

The troubled son is from the 1st husband is 21 yrs. old and living mostly in her house (to be kept in only her name). -that her 2nd deceased husband bought. I must point out that she looks 25 (in a dark hall)- but is not-she is about 50 - come to find out. . Ref- son of G.D. -This is the 2nd shooting aimed at the boy that I know of, since the affair started a few weeks ago. The Kid got off the 1st time and my Dad bailed him out of jail. Yes, I live in the same complex - as I own a condo unit here and cannot afford to sell. It is hard not hearing from him every day/week and I cannot even call him. She gets annoyed and he is to preoccupied. I have a bad feeling about this ending. I will keep in touch.

Keep as close an eye on things as you can, call the police if you suspect abuse but aside from that he has made his decision, for what it may be left of his brain cells...

gmbyacht, I doubt that you are doing to give up on your dad - you just don't strike me as the type that could so I have another idea - and it may be totally crazy but...

What if you went to your dad and the GD and said something to the effect that at first you found it hard to accept that your dad had found a new love (which to me would be a totally normal reaction of a daughter when her father is in his 80's) but now that you see he is serious about it, you are trying to be more open to the idea and you would like to be friends with your dad again and with the GD. By remaining your dad's friend, he might become less defensive with you and more open to telling you how things are going and what is happening. In this way, you might have more influence on your dad and his actions than you do now.

Just a thought. lcs

Thanks Ics, - From: Original Poster.

Sounds good on paper. He is proud/dellusional of the way things are going and it just get's me sicker every time I hear things. He is very defiant , still drinking, stubborn and horney. He worships the ground she walks on and she can do no wrong. Without viagra, he may be able to see past his ------. I do know some of the other things stupid he is doing, (taking your advice/tried) when he can be bothered to talk to me, (never in her presence) but that does not change what he is going to do and doing. The GD has just quit her job and living off Dad's $$. I am not in a position to quit mine and wait for the once a week phone call when she is not around and he is bored. I am afraid to call him back-he could be with her and taking calls (esp. fr. me) are prohibited. He will have to fall on his face again. I am tired of picking up the pieces and no one else in the family cares. Thanks for your suggestion and keeping me in mind. I think it is time I moved on with my life.
Blessings, gmbyacht

gmbyacht, you definitely have to keep moving on with your life - you are as much entitled to your life as his dad is to his. I am sorry you are the only one in the family who cares about what happens to your dad. You will be the one your dad will turn to when everything goes kaput and what a dilemma you will face then. Heaven only knows what a financial mess your dad will be in by then!!

When thinking about your problem, the thought popped into my head "Where are the friends of this old man?" Does he not have peers that must be worried sick about what he is doing? Or has the GD prohibited your father from talking to his old friends too?

It must be driving you near crazy to realize that you, gmbyacht, are the only one who appears to have your dad's best interest at heart. He is a lucky man to have you - too bad he doesn't realize it.

Ics, gmbyact here.
Thanks for writing. Dad has no friends. As I live in the same condo (6 yrs.) as he does , a couple of close neighbors jaws dropped when I told them HE was engaged. I did not really have to say anthing - they said it a "gold digger.?" He was disappointed only a few people from the buidling showed up at his Anniv. Party in our social room. They congratulated him, but their eyes rolled behind his back. I must note, she did just sign a pre-nup, but I don't know what's in it. I honestly don't think she will actually marry him?, I just think she'll milk him dry for a few years. I believe that is what she did to the 87 yr. old that she actually had a marriage license with and never went through with it.-that was 18 months ago. If she does not marry him, the carnage may not be as bad financially. He'll just be broke and the kids & grandkids won't be getting anything. It's always been about his wants and needs anyway. Thanks for keeping in touch.

gmbyacht, I am sorry that "it's always been about his wants and needs". That is hard to accept and it must have been/must be hard for you to live with. I congratulate you on caring about him despite his self-centeredness. Some people never seem to get passed the "I want" stage of childhood regardless of how old they become. Such a waste of life! Do stay healthy in all ways yourself - you are special.

Right -- get very practical. Don't waste time on hurt feelings, this isn't about you in any way -- I'm not saying it doesn't hurt or shouldn't hurt but it sounds like you are still hooked into trying to make him love you the way you want to be loved, and those feelings are honestly a distraction from taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Get very, very practical if you want to have an impact. As for your siblings, you've got it in your heart that you care about him the right amount and they don't care about him enough, but it's humanly impossible to measure those things truly accurately. They may have un-hooked themselves emotionally but it's worth their while to get practical, too: the estate is certainly at risk, and if she walks off with everything while he's still alive you all will find your father financially dependent on you.

Did you ever get ahold of the Adult Protection program down in FL? I would think that a court order decision is in demand now, before she gets to do her damage.

Update from original poster. Dad got married yesterday - 6 wks after the affair started. He did not tell me, but mentioned it over the phone today casually by default. Come to find out the Gold digger was furious that he had info. that she had a marriage license to an 87 yr old. 18 months ago. And blamed me for digging it up "how dare you check up on me" --this was true I found it, he said he did not admit I found it. . At first she said, "oh I don't remember him". Then when dad came up with the internet info. she said, "Oh ye, I divorced him". She is a lyer either way and now t will be their 4th marriage for both of them. She supposingly only had 2 previous marrages...He's redoing her house now. I don't care anymore. As I said in my first post this self-servering man has no use for me anymore. I have tried everything possibly legal to straighten this out. and to let him know what he getting into-with no luck. She has got to have "more tricks" up her sleeves. She sends him to his home from her house most of the time. I will keep you posted on this bad soap opera. What's the lesson, "And research health care, people, investments or anything you put your life/money in your hands with" "some people just do what they want to do". Period.

oh Gmb yacht ...
I am so sorry! That doesn't even touch the matter you are dealing with!
What are you going to do???
Do you have an escape plan?
You can't be around that ... Head to Seattle?

You're so right when you say "period".
Thanks for keeping up with you.
We care

Rip

Hey Rip,

He's the one that need's the escape plan. I have too much invested in my home/life here now in the same building/city to just pick up and split. I must emotionally divorce myself from his shennigans and physically obviously-they have made this clear. I must go on with my life! This is easier said than done as the mess (as I see it) gets deeper by the week. But I must for my own sanity.

Forgot to mention the Gold digger recently quit her job, threw her paying roomate out of HER house and is trying to get her 24 yr. old drug addict son out of HER house. .She is isolating my father. She has access to drugs and with his drinking issues, someday it might be bye, bye. He says he is going to die soon anyway - so I think, his thinking is, why not go out with a "bang". If she had a 10 page rap sheet, his attitude is "No Big Deal". He may end up at the bottom of it someday.

"I don't care any more" is a step towards unhooking emotionally, but as someone said already, if she cleans him out financially and he needs help, you and maybe some of your siblings will end up worried about him and having to deal with his problems and needs anyway, except with no assets. Those are huge expenses you're describing -- big enough to get any eldercare service or court noticing. So find a way to "not care" as in, not be personally wounded; but do "care" about looking after business, to protect YOURSELF in the future.

Rip again ~
Yeah, I think I get it.
Just feel so damn helpless for you. You are in the same building? Slap in the face anytime you speak with them?

If he could only he had adopted a safe puppy to keep him company.
Sorry, really sick humor - but your situation is in crisis.
She sounds like a blood sucker with no regard for your father's family, you, or anyone else.
I kwonder if she has another man controling her behind the scene.

It's hard to feel sorry for him since he has this pattern. He is so lucky you care - but it isn't helping your health.
At this point you need to look after yourself & the people close to you.
He won't. He has his floozie girl.

How many times have you dragged him out of a bad situation? Leveled him? Stood by him?
I don't know if any services in the world would help him to see beyond his new princess.
I'll be thinking of you... Maybe you should take a trip to St Augustine & visit Bobbie's Boat.

I wish I could have a day with that lady! She sets things in perspective.

Cheers ~
Rip

I am so sorry for you and I hope you have people in your life-you do you have us and you know we care deeply for you I wonder does she know if he is broke and has to go into a nursing home the social workers are going to have a job to do getting him on medicaide and about the 5 yr. look back period the G,D,/wife will have to account for any monies over $2,000.00 withdrawin from his accounts. I sure hope when the botton falls out you do not rescue him again. I am so proud of our group here giving you support and advice take care my dear lady and keep in touch.

From original poster: Thank you so much for your ongoing support. He's got millions and she knows it as he came up with his "home-made" computer model pre-nuptial agreement. I glanced at it- but not the details - she did sign it. From what she claims she is worth basically nothing in writing, she was on her last leg financially. as I see it. He told me what's his is his, and hers-which is nothing, is hers. They went to an attorney about the property he bought, but the attny. did not handle pre-nups. I think she'll just contunie to milk him day by day. I don't think FL allows nursing homes to go after family members.--if that's how it ends up. Hey Rip, he did adopt a puppy before he met her. Unfortunately for me, he used to be willing to take care of my little Maltese puppy if I had to go away (Teddy knows and loves him).-- now I would not trust my baby with her in the house - she hates me and I would not put it past her to abuse my little Teddy. Then I would NEVER forgive myself. I wish I could send you all a picture of little Teddy.
Blessings to all. And thank you again.