My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

gmbyacht--now that you have learned that you are powerless over the irrational actions of your father, you might want to take the next step and join an Al-Anon support group for adult children like yourself who grew up with a problem drinker. You will be amazed how much this will help you break the "enablement" cycle..If you do not get this kind of support you will find it very difficult to resist his cries for help when he falls again and the GD is long gone. You have been programmed to react to your father's manipulation so even though your head says "Don't do it" your heart will say "Well just one more chance" and you will be back in this vicious cycle. So please seek out Al-Anon in your area now while your head has the advantage.

Thank you Ics. I have resigned myself that I am out of his life completely. As he does not want to even speak to me. I am almost glad to be rid of him as he has been negligent of his kids all his life. I thought I could help him and make him "right" with love + time.. He has not changed and NEVER will. I think he's cooked his goose for the last time. He told someone he married her so that he will have someone to take care of him in his old age. She may wipe him out before that and be long gone. And I will not be available when he falls again. I have to do this for my sanity-I think that's what the other siblings have done. They are all well off with great jobs.

Yes, your father is a big boy (as your siblings say) and that's how he is behaving - like a boy (and a very silly, little one at that). But he has been pretty much this way since you were born I would guess (from the other things you have written about him). He is in the clutches of the GD and since, apparently, nothing can or will be done legally to remove him from those clutches, he is a goner. I think what bothers me most about this now is that the GD will end up inheriting your father's estate (which she already has started to grab) and you, gmbyacht, a daughter who cared about her father, will likely inherit nothing. I hope you weren't counting on an inheritance from your father to help you live fairly comfortably in your own old age.
As a type of P.S., since you have just had a cataract operation, if your dad should happen to fall during a drunken state and he calls on you for help, please remember that you were told you must not do any heavy lifting for the next little while. Take care of yourself.

gmbyact here: the original poster. My Dad has just blocked me from any calls to his phone!. I had the cataract surgery today and had to take a cab alone--he had promised to take me - then canceled on me. I talked to other long distance siblings and told them what was going on overall. Not that they have "cared so far and he is a big boy". I just asked for my apt. key back and he had a cheshire drunk grin on his face. I think it is over. My next report, may be that she is slowly or has killed him. Hopefully, my new vision, will be that of the truth that exists. I am mortified.

There probably is nothing you can do and getting upset will only make things worse for you do your siblings have any contact with them I would bury the hachet and maybe invite them over for coffee or take them out to a meal if you can the more you fight him the more he will turn away.

I feel for you, and I hope it all works out, but it is out of your hands. Keep an eye on him from a distance and build up your own support system, including rides...Best Wishes...

It has been a while since we heard from you, gmbyacht. If your father was worried about leaving the GD's bed in the morning to take you to your cataract appointment, he could have gone to his own home the night before (since he is used to being "kicked out") and then he wouldn't have been leaving the GD's bed to do something for you. The GD certainly has your father under her thumb but he seems to like it. What concerns me is the outcome of this infatuation he has and how it will affect you in the future. I suspect that before long your father will become ill (or have an "accident"), die, and then the GD will get everything that was your father's. I think, but of course do not know for sure, that if I was in your position, I would be doing all in my power to put an end to the GD's little scheme asap. I can't believe there is nothing that can be done. But maybe I am just a dreamer.

Dear dhoffmann, He just gave up any Power of Attny. that my brother once had. He put the living trust under the gold diggers name. She can pull the plug-if it gets to that. They each own their own home in the area. She typically throws him out from HER house at night usually when she is probably expected to perform-so she sends him home alone where he drinks alone. If Dad is getting taken to the cleaners, he chose it and is very well aware of what he is doing. I think it is time for acceptance for me. Hurt again, and hopefully hurt for the last time. The tables may be turning in that I have no reason or desire to speak to HIM again. His sexual addiction has overrode all his ties to common sense and family ties.

I feel for you watching out for your dad and then being pushed to the side. Who has power of attorney for your dad? Is he safe? Another way to look at it is, if she is living with him and he is happy that isn't a bad thing. I know you said he has been married 3 times but it does not sound like you are going to help him in that area. Take care.

Original Poster-Dad marries young Gold Digger. Just need to vent. He recently promised to bring me for catarract surgery. He has since bailed out and said his new wife won't like it if he has to get out of her bed to help me out. He went so far to ask the cleaning lady in our condo if someone else could drive me to the appt. that day. I am disgusted and through with him - I know I have said this before. An elderly woman/neighbor is going to drive me. I really think I need to give up on Dad-he now owes his life to this _itch that does not allow him to take calls from me or anyone.. The gold digger is now under his health insurance, cell ph family plan, a new car, her taxes paid on her house, many free remodling issues taken care of and the list goes on.. and yes a free pass to Disney Land - no kidding he bought it for her. Mind you this has all happened in 5 months since he dated/married her.

Sorry to hear that has gone so far. I agree, try to stay connected but not CONNECTED. If you know what I mean. If he is in danger it is up to the authorities. You can keep an I or Ear on him but he has made his decision sort of. I hope you don't have to deal with it any more. If he is an adult sort of so be it...

gmbyacht, I guess that's the end of 'it' then. At least she wasn't 25 like we all thought at first. Being 50 is a little less creepy. She's still a gold digger, but your dad knew that and didn't care. So it's over, get on with your life.

From original poster: Thank you so much for your ongoing support. He's got millions and she knows it as he came up with his "home-made" computer model pre-nuptial agreement. I glanced at it- but not the details - she did sign it. From what she claims she is worth basically nothing in writing, she was on her last leg financially. as I see it. He told me what's his is his, and hers-which is nothing, is hers. They went to an attorney about the property he bought, but the attny. did not handle pre-nups. I think she'll just contunie to milk him day by day. I don't think FL allows nursing homes to go after family members.--if that's how it ends up. Hey Rip, he did adopt a puppy before he met her. Unfortunately for me, he used to be willing to take care of my little Maltese puppy if I had to go away (Teddy knows and loves him).-- now I would not trust my baby with her in the house - she hates me and I would not put it past her to abuse my little Teddy. Then I would NEVER forgive myself. I wish I could send you all a picture of little Teddy.
Blessings to all. And thank you again.

I am so sorry for you and I hope you have people in your life-you do you have us and you know we care deeply for you I wonder does she know if he is broke and has to go into a nursing home the social workers are going to have a job to do getting him on medicaide and about the 5 yr. look back period the G,D,/wife will have to account for any monies over $2,000.00 withdrawin from his accounts. I sure hope when the botton falls out you do not rescue him again. I am so proud of our group here giving you support and advice take care my dear lady and keep in touch.

Rip again ~
Yeah, I think I get it.
Just feel so damn helpless for you. You are in the same building? Slap in the face anytime you speak with them?

If he could only he had adopted a safe puppy to keep him company.
Sorry, really sick humor - but your situation is in crisis.
She sounds like a blood sucker with no regard for your father's family, you, or anyone else.
I kwonder if she has another man controling her behind the scene.

It's hard to feel sorry for him since he has this pattern. He is so lucky you care - but it isn't helping your health.
At this point you need to look after yourself & the people close to you.
He won't. He has his floozie girl.

How many times have you dragged him out of a bad situation? Leveled him? Stood by him?
I don't know if any services in the world would help him to see beyond his new princess.
I'll be thinking of you... Maybe you should take a trip to St Augustine & visit Bobbie's Boat.

I wish I could have a day with that lady! She sets things in perspective.

Cheers ~
Rip

"I don't care any more" is a step towards unhooking emotionally, but as someone said already, if she cleans him out financially and he needs help, you and maybe some of your siblings will end up worried about him and having to deal with his problems and needs anyway, except with no assets. Those are huge expenses you're describing -- big enough to get any eldercare service or court noticing. So find a way to "not care" as in, not be personally wounded; but do "care" about looking after business, to protect YOURSELF in the future.

Hey Rip,

He's the one that need's the escape plan. I have too much invested in my home/life here now in the same building/city to just pick up and split. I must emotionally divorce myself from his shennigans and physically obviously-they have made this clear. I must go on with my life! This is easier said than done as the mess (as I see it) gets deeper by the week. But I must for my own sanity.

Forgot to mention the Gold digger recently quit her job, threw her paying roomate out of HER house and is trying to get her 24 yr. old drug addict son out of HER house. .She is isolating my father. She has access to drugs and with his drinking issues, someday it might be bye, bye. He says he is going to die soon anyway - so I think, his thinking is, why not go out with a "bang". If she had a 10 page rap sheet, his attitude is "No Big Deal". He may end up at the bottom of it someday.

oh Gmb yacht ...
I am so sorry! That doesn't even touch the matter you are dealing with!
What are you going to do???
Do you have an escape plan?
You can't be around that ... Head to Seattle?

You're so right when you say "period".
Thanks for keeping up with you.
We care

Rip

Update from original poster. Dad got married yesterday - 6 wks after the affair started. He did not tell me, but mentioned it over the phone today casually by default. Come to find out the Gold digger was furious that he had info. that she had a marriage license to an 87 yr old. 18 months ago. And blamed me for digging it up "how dare you check up on me" --this was true I found it, he said he did not admit I found it. . At first she said, "oh I don't remember him". Then when dad came up with the internet info. she said, "Oh ye, I divorced him". She is a lyer either way and now t will be their 4th marriage for both of them. She supposingly only had 2 previous marrages...He's redoing her house now. I don't care anymore. As I said in my first post this self-servering man has no use for me anymore. I have tried everything possibly legal to straighten this out. and to let him know what he getting into-with no luck. She has got to have "more tricks" up her sleeves. She sends him to his home from her house most of the time. I will keep you posted on this bad soap opera. What's the lesson, "And research health care, people, investments or anything you put your life/money in your hands with" "some people just do what they want to do". Period.

Did you ever get ahold of the Adult Protection program down in FL? I would think that a court order decision is in demand now, before she gets to do her damage.

Right -- get very practical. Don't waste time on hurt feelings, this isn't about you in any way -- I'm not saying it doesn't hurt or shouldn't hurt but it sounds like you are still hooked into trying to make him love you the way you want to be loved, and those feelings are honestly a distraction from taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Get very, very practical if you want to have an impact. As for your siblings, you've got it in your heart that you care about him the right amount and they don't care about him enough, but it's humanly impossible to measure those things truly accurately. They may have un-hooked themselves emotionally but it's worth their while to get practical, too: the estate is certainly at risk, and if she walks off with everything while he's still alive you all will find your father financially dependent on you.

gmbyacht, I am sorry that "it's always been about his wants and needs". That is hard to accept and it must have been/must be hard for you to live with. I congratulate you on caring about him despite his self-centeredness. Some people never seem to get passed the "I want" stage of childhood regardless of how old they become. Such a waste of life! Do stay healthy in all ways yourself - you are special.

Ics, gmbyact here.
Thanks for writing. Dad has no friends. As I live in the same condo (6 yrs.) as he does , a couple of close neighbors jaws dropped when I told them HE was engaged. I did not really have to say anthing - they said it a "gold digger.?" He was disappointed only a few people from the buidling showed up at his Anniv. Party in our social room. They congratulated him, but their eyes rolled behind his back. I must note, she did just sign a pre-nup, but I don't know what's in it. I honestly don't think she will actually marry him?, I just think she'll milk him dry for a few years. I believe that is what she did to the 87 yr. old that she actually had a marriage license with and never went through with it.-that was 18 months ago. If she does not marry him, the carnage may not be as bad financially. He'll just be broke and the kids & grandkids won't be getting anything. It's always been about his wants and needs anyway. Thanks for keeping in touch.

gmbyacht, you definitely have to keep moving on with your life - you are as much entitled to your life as his dad is to his. I am sorry you are the only one in the family who cares about what happens to your dad. You will be the one your dad will turn to when everything goes kaput and what a dilemma you will face then. Heaven only knows what a financial mess your dad will be in by then!!

When thinking about your problem, the thought popped into my head "Where are the friends of this old man?" Does he not have peers that must be worried sick about what he is doing? Or has the GD prohibited your father from talking to his old friends too?

It must be driving you near crazy to realize that you, gmbyacht, are the only one who appears to have your dad's best interest at heart. He is a lucky man to have you - too bad he doesn't realize it.

Thanks Ics, - From: Original Poster.

Sounds good on paper. He is proud/dellusional of the way things are going and it just get's me sicker every time I hear things. He is very defiant , still drinking, stubborn and horney. He worships the ground she walks on and she can do no wrong. Without viagra, he may be able to see past his ------. I do know some of the other things stupid he is doing, (taking your advice/tried) when he can be bothered to talk to me, (never in her presence) but that does not change what he is going to do and doing. The GD has just quit her job and living off Dad's $$. I am not in a position to quit mine and wait for the once a week phone call when she is not around and he is bored. I am afraid to call him back-he could be with her and taking calls (esp. fr. me) are prohibited. He will have to fall on his face again. I am tired of picking up the pieces and no one else in the family cares. Thanks for your suggestion and keeping me in mind. I think it is time I moved on with my life.
Blessings, gmbyacht

gmbyacht, I doubt that you are doing to give up on your dad - you just don't strike me as the type that could so I have another idea - and it may be totally crazy but...

What if you went to your dad and the GD and said something to the effect that at first you found it hard to accept that your dad had found a new love (which to me would be a totally normal reaction of a daughter when her father is in his 80's) but now that you see he is serious about it, you are trying to be more open to the idea and you would like to be friends with your dad again and with the GD. By remaining your dad's friend, he might become less defensive with you and more open to telling you how things are going and what is happening. In this way, you might have more influence on your dad and his actions than you do now.

Just a thought. lcs

Keep as close an eye on things as you can, call the police if you suspect abuse but aside from that he has made his decision, for what it may be left of his brain cells...

Fr: Original Poster,
Hey Rip and others, Many Thanks for keeping in touch.

The G.D. at one time used her most recent maiden name. This was from the 2nd husband who sold his business, bought them a house - up the road - then he suddendly died of a drug overdose? -8 yrs. ago. -He was only 50.

The troubled son is from the 1st husband is 21 yrs. old and living mostly in her house (to be kept in only her name). -that her 2nd deceased husband bought. I must point out that she looks 25 (in a dark hall)- but is not-she is about 50 - come to find out. . Ref- son of G.D. -This is the 2nd shooting aimed at the boy that I know of, since the affair started a few weeks ago. The Kid got off the 1st time and my Dad bailed him out of jail. Yes, I live in the same complex - as I own a condo unit here and cannot afford to sell. It is hard not hearing from him every day/week and I cannot even call him. She gets annoyed and he is to preoccupied. I have a bad feeling about this ending. I will keep in touch.

Thanks for the update. Please stay with us???

Yes, Ics, I wish I didn't believe its happening. I wonder how many names she uses ...
Sorry to be cynical. Past cop experience. It's a civil matter until something horribe occurrs.

I feel sympathy for you!
How old is her damaged son? If he's been shot I imagine he has enemies. Are you still living in the same complex?

Hope you are safe.

Rip

Is there anyone else out there that finds it hard to believe that all this is happening?