My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

What a nightmare!
A few months ago a group of people (men & women) were busted in the Seattle / Tacoma area for elder scams for similar scenarios. Many were from other countries so communication was difficult.
They knew how to gain confidence of the seniors & move into their lives. Skilled at pawning gifts & draining bank accounts.

You might try to look at the archives of Seattle Times newspaper.

How sad to be in the same apt. complex.

I agree wholeheartedly with all above. This is both elder abuse and scary. Do all you can to protect him. However, if the courts deem him fit and say he has a right to make his own decisions, then you need to distance yourself from this mess (perhaps the siblings caught on to his self-centered behavior long ago.)
Do not make yourself sick over this. Your father has a compulsive need to be self-destructive. Please do not go down with the sinking ship. And even if he does figure out that this girl is a walking scam and gets rid of her, do not jump in and become the unpaid help again. Set up someone to clean, do errands, etc. Bolster your self-esteem before dealing with him again. Take care.
Good luck..let us know...

Thank you all (from original poster) for all your care and support. A lot of good suggestions out there. My brother has Power of Attorney (or atleast he did-when Dad was in rehab. I unfortunately have an apt. in the same building as Dad and being kept away from him is disgraceful. My other siblings hundreds of miles away I think have given up on him and don't give a hoot. This golddigger has had 2 engagements to 2 men (both old enough to be her father) in the past 18+ months and now is taking Dad for the ride of his life. She can do know wrong and hates me-I can tell. I will do a background check on her-but he will probably not listen to anything I say-basically "It is none of my business". I am at the point that he has ALL he has got coming to him and I don't care anymore-like the rest of my siblings. He has always thought with the wrong head and was always traveling (not around) when I was growing up. Expensive diamond purchase today, just bought 1/2 of her property in N.C. (through her attny) and engagement party in 2 wks. He is set on marrying this woman. Perhaps I should be saying the "Serenity Prayer".

This situation is like a poster scene for an Elder Law Attorney. You really need to get someone with legal experience working on your side so you can line up your ducks for the inevitable: dad winds up broke and in need of Assisted Living. you wind up being appointed conservator by the county and have to wade through all the red tape trying to explain why your solvent father suddenly needs government assistance to pay for his care. Perhaps you can at least convince your dad to draw up some sort of pre-nuptual agreement stating that any money he puts up for her business or mobile home is a "no-interest loan" that becomes payable on-demand via a promissory note. The on-demand option will only be exercised if he requires Long term Care or Assisted Living while he is still alive and married to her. If she divorces him in the meantime, then she must repay the "loan" with interest at the same rate being charged by banks at that time. None of this is likely to work if this person is doing what you believe she is, but it will give you a legal foothold when the time comes. As for your siblings, what they may not realize is that they can be held responsible for your father's care if it gets to that. In these difficult economic times, government agencies are not quick to step in with aid when an elder has family who can provide care and $$$. So do your homework and be prepared. Your father is acting childish so you have to be the adult in this situation--at least until your siblings get out of their denial and come to your aid.

Easy, go to court and get POI over his estate. It is done everyday in the courts. The judge will have your father answer some cognitive test by a specialists. YOur lawyer will bring up the fact that your father drinks, has dementia, and is being irratic with his sexual behavior. (he cant easily decide right from wrong) If your not willing to stand up in court, you will loose his money and then you will have to take care of your father after the chick cleans his bank account. Call the nearest elder lawyer or a regular lawyer. Tell you father he is hurting his family and himself. And if this girls cleans his accounts you will still be wiping his butt. But this time he will have no money for a nursing home.

actually, the other siblings can be let in closer, but remind them of "financial elder abuse" and what it means. Just because your dad is freely choosing to dump a lot of his hard earned cash on this troublemaker does not make it OK. He's been taken before, and there ARE legal means to stop the financial abuse of a senior with diminished capacity. Perhaps if your siblings are in on the relationship closer, they can really find the flash point and put a stake through it. Meanwhile, you can take some preliminary steps with Adult Protective Services/Public Guardian's office/police. If the woman has a record of doing this, perhaps jail is the best solution for the "her" part (until the next one finds her way from barroom stool into his heart), and then take steps to protect your father's assets.

He may have gone to AA...does he have an AA buddy? Those types don't put up with BS like this.

I take it no one is really expecting an inheritance out of this family.

Set how hurt you are aside right now (although I can definitely see WHY you are so hurt after all you have done to help your father) and remain the one person in your family that is still thinking straight. You said that your father has slight alcohol-related dementia. How slight? I am wondering if you can prove that he suffers from dementia and therefore is not capable of making smart decisions, this might give you some power in dealing with this latest problem your father is giving you. Has your father given you (or anyone else) in your family power of attorney yet?

On the other hand, if your dad marries this woman, you can quit being your dad's "mother" and the new woman can take over. It seems with three failed marriages and three failed live-ins, your dad is determined (stubbornly so) to lead a tumultuous life. He doesn't seem to appreciate how you have helped straighten up his life so maybe you will just have to say "so long, Dad, and good luck!" and just make the most of your own life. You could let the rest of the siblings know that, since they are in favour of this marriage and won't help you do anything about stopping it, they will have to the ones that pick up the pieces next time when your dad is in trouble again (which he probably will be).

I don't know which way you will want to go but I certainly understand your hurt and concern. I wish you strength and wisdom in deciding what to do. Please keep me posted. I am sure others will soon respond and offer more suggestions.

got it

i think POA the father would have to willingly sign over. Fat chance. For conservatorship, you sue regardless of the "demented" will of the parent, and you let the COUNTY sue for responsibility and managing. This is a complicated case with a stubborn father.

The original poster has also mother with cc debt. and other issues. Whew!

What about Power of Attorney, can you get that?

This would probably be classified as financial elder abuse. Go to the police and/or the dept of aging and adult services of your father's county. etc. Taking advantage of one with diminished mental capacity... Of course, the cops may just think this is cute and snicker. "Good for the old boy, let him have his fun."

Run a background check on this gal. Does she have a real massage license, just for starters. If she does, report her to the licensing agent, the license could be revoked, thus she won't be able to open her parlor. Get the city business license people notified, that sort of thing.

Throw some monkey wrenches in to this thing. Perhaps she's done this before. (Is she Roma by any chance? That's the sort of scheme they are known for.).

You might also contact your father's bank and let them know about this woman's maneuvering. They may have ways to deal with this, and THEY can report suspicious activities to the authorities.

Sure you'll get other suggestions. You may want to have the county sue for conservatorship to protect his estate. Sounds like you suing for it would be too problematical.

You could try contacting Adult Protective Services for your area and asking them what your options are. If he is viewed as competent there won't be a lot you can do really. I wish you luck with this it can be devastating when you see something bad happening and know your options to avoid these outcomes are limited.