What do you say when your elderly father keeps saying that he lost everything he worked so hard for when he moved to Assisted Living?

Some elderly feel that they must leave an inheritance to their children. This is nonsense! No one is entitled to an inheritance.

Some feel that their children must care for them until they die and this too is nonsense. It is up to the child to make that decision and it isn’t a black and white issue. There are so many variables.

Some elderly parents have immense health issues making it just about impossible to care for at home.

Assisted living is a great option for care. Nursing homes can be as well.

It’s a tough road for the parents and the children.

What our folks don't realize is THIS is precisely what they DID save for! To be able to live in a relatively luxurious environment in their old age where they can be taken care of by teams of care givers who work 24/7, by chefs who create 3 meals a day for them, by activity directors who spend hours creating programs to keep them entertained, etc. Most people don't have that luxury in their old age, and wind up being forced to live with no care at all, or reliant on their children to do everything for them so what little they DO have can be 'bequeathed' to their children once they die. Which makes NO sense to me at all.

My mother is spending the money she earned and that was matched with profit sharing during her short lived career in retail to finance her VERY long stay (since 2014) in Assisted Living and now Memory Care. She's getting a wonderful level of care in her ALF by a team of people who truly DO care for and about her.

Your father should be thankful he has the means to be living where he is. But of course, in reality, the elderly are rarely thankful for much of anything they have. Gratitude is in very short order for them, especially where my own mother is concerned.

If your father is depressed (sounds possible), a small trial of a carefully chosen medication may be a big help. If the AL where he is living has connection with a psychiatric practice, try that.
Some talk therapy may definitely be helpful too.
Adjustment to Assisted Living may take a while, and usually there are more women in residences than men, so fewer chances for “guy stuff”.

Does he have some comfort items brought from home, or any specific requests from items he was familiar with while at home? If so, maybe his surroundings can be made a little more comfortable by bringing them there.

Other than asking him if there’s anything that you can bring for him, there probably isn’t a whole lot to discuss about losses that represents a long span of time.

This is a tough change to have to deal with. If he has any particular hobbies or Interests it may be a good time to bring him materials or information to “get back into” things he didn’t have time to enjoy previously.

A friend's Mother has been in AL for a couple of years now. She said the first six months she dwelled on the things she had lost: driving, her local church, local friends, her house.

But after that she realised what she had gained: meals provided, a smaller space she could keep tidy herself, freedom from expensive house repairs & garden garden maintenance. Those things were all getting so much (especially roof repairs had been really worrying her). Lost her car but also the cost of registration & insurance. She paid for an occasional taxi instead. Gained new craft & church groups.

It was not a bed of roses now, but she had adjusted. Had accepted it was time for the next chapter.

Sometimes a few sessions of counselling with a psychologist can help with this transition.

MJ, what a great reply. We could all learn something from your post.

If it's a nice AL, this is what he saved for. So he can have what he needs during this time.

I agree with Mj1929 about the memoir.

Tell him you didn't lose me

"Life takes turns we don't always expect."

I tell myself that every single day. However, the fact that life didn't go as we planned doesn't mean all we worked for in our life is gone. Life experiences are of immense value, and material things are just that -- things. Once your dad dies, everything he worked for would be gone, too, if that's what he's talking about.

I recommend helping your dad write down his memoirs. My dad did that a few years ago to prepare for a 10-minute presentation at his men's breakfast club, and it turned into an amazing document as he tweaked it and added to it over about a two-year period. It isn't any kind of organized, but instead is just little tidbits of things he remembered, like where he was when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor (11 years old and selling peanuts at a baseball game), driving his car from Los Angeles to San Francisco with no brakes(!), and dancing with Keely Smith when she pulled him up on stage at a Louis Prima show.

I know that when he was writing it, he really found clarity in the value of the life he lived and what he'd accomplished. Nothing he wrote about was related to the things he'd acquired but rather was about the experiences he acquired. He became a fairly wealthy man and fortunately left my mother well off and able to afford her nursing home expenses, but he never mentioned that.

Perhaps if your dad was set to working on a similar memoir he'd come to the realization that he has lost nothing and gained much.