My dad is lost and doesn't know what to do?

Dad may have to make some compromises. If a rental has a dirty fan but a great area for planting your dad may have to compromise. No place is going to be perfect with every amenity your dad wants. What are his deal-breakers? Are they reasonable?

I think I would be a little bit more demanding with the daughter. She's been in the Army, she would have been taught discipline, respect for the command, so act like her CO if you have to. Frankly, I think someone with her attitude needs to grow up, especially if she plans to live in YOUR home until the fall.

She wouldn't get away with that behavior in the Army.

Correct, bad knees is a health issue. Sorry. He can walk up stairs but it's difficult for him. He has no issues cleaning his own home, I think he's just making excuses.

Wow. I did not know about the early signs of dementia - thank you for that info! I did take my dad to the doc as he has had issues with his bladder - and I didn't say a word while the doc was talking to him - but when we left, he said the doctor didn't have a clue about what he was talking about. That was the end of that. lol

As for my older daughter - she's a handful for me and because she does not like my dad, her grandfather. she refuses to lend a hand. She spends as much time complaining about him as he does complaining about her. She does small things for me but it's a chore to get her to do anything. She plans on going to school in the fall, near the army base she was at (about 2 hrs from me) and no, she is not looking for a job as she is technically still in the army till May 5th.

I've read some stories on this site and I'm a bit embarrassed that I was even complaining since many people have been doing this for years. Kudos to them!

I would love him to consider an independent living arrangement but the costs are a bit high. I did the cost calculator on one site and it would be about $200 more than if he rented a home by himself. He keeps telling me he wants a work bench in a garage and wants to be able to plant flowers so the independent way probably won't work. He has been doing a few things around my house like weed wacking and emptying the dishwasher. He definitely tries to help out but it's not his home and I know he feels like he's intruding.

I have looked at homes before him and unfortunately, I look past the dirt. I recently bought a home and the frig was disgusting when I moved in. He asked me why I would have gone through with the sale if the frig was dirty. But, my thought is that once you move in, you can clean it - as long as it's not an absolute horror. Yes, I understand that the house should be clean when you move in but everyone's idea of "clean" is different and sometimes you just have to say, I'll clean that when I move in, especially if you love the place and the cleaning is minor items like the frig or microwave. That's just me I guess.

He does have health issues. Bad knees affect mobility. He may have difficulty cleaning the apartment and preparing meals. He is indecisive and changes his mind over trivial items, which hints at early phase of dementia. Early phase is constantly changing his mind, bursts of anger with the daughter, needy for attention. Consider an Independent Living center, where meals are served in a social atmosphere and housekeeping is provided.
Get him to a doctor for a complete physical and go with him. You don't say anything, just listen, be there, have him sign the health care proxy. Take it one step at a time.

I feel for you - this situation just seems to have no good solution, does it? But there are a lot of helpful people here who can offer suggestions.

Trying to get to the bottom of the rental issue first:

1. If your father continues to find fault with cleanliness issues, and he's only looking at houses, perhaps you can change the parameters. Look at lst floor apartments in well maintained complexes, ask for a sample lease and see what it provides for in terms of maintenance.

Another option is to consider renting a townhouse, or perhaps even a house in a retirement community.

A third option is to address the "dirty fan" issue up front by discussing it with the landlord, working out a maintenance agreement, and simultaneously looking for a cleaning service.

2. If there are other issues besides cleanliness, approach them in a similar manner - try to work out an agreement (obviously in writing) before making any decisions. These kinds of issues would be contingent ones - if they're resolved, your father would sign a lease. If not, keep searching.

3. Contact various realtors and ask them about rentals. I think one in a complex with a professional management company might be the better solution than an individual house.

4. Inquire at senior centers locally if they know of any good apartment complexes, run by competent and reliable management. Who knows? Maybe some of their clients live in apartments or townhouses already.

5. Knowing how much activity there is in an RV park, and how many socialization opportunities are provided, I think he might be comfortable in a retirement community. Even if you can find one an hour or so away, it's still w/i driving distance.

6. He can easily get another rental car; I believe AARP and AAA offer discounted rates for use with a particular rental service, but I don't recall offhand. I assume cost is an issue, so perhaps the better option would be to identify other places to explore as rental possibilities before renting another car.

7. I do understand that there's tension in the house. Your daughter presumably had a specialty in the Army; what are her plans? Is she looking for work?

8. I also understand that there's friction, but everyone has to remember this is a temporary situation and not a permanent one, and the family needs to understand that this IS your father, that you're trying to appease everyone, and they need to reciprocate and cut you some slack. They also need to pull together and help with solutions.

9. If your daughter doesn't get along with your father, why doesn't she help accelerate his finding a place and do some research, perhaps even do a pre-inspection before he does and save him some time as well as concern that he doesn't have a vehicle.

10. You might also consider listing what needs to be done in the house as well as to find a place for your father, sit down at a family meeting and let all the adults choose functions they can perform.

You're handling the brunt of the issues now; there's no reason the other adults (including your daughter) can't pitch in and help work toward a solution.