My dad is 92 and owns his own house. He has been with his partner for 42 years and she lives with him in his house and rents her own house out. This has been the situation for years.His partner has been awful over the years and doesn’t like me or my brother and unfortunately my dad has been brainwashed by her and over all the fallouts over the years he has always taken her side.His partner has been saying he has dementia for the last 12 years but we have seen no signs of it and that didn’t stop him navigating a trip to Egypt a couple of years ago when she had gone there to look after her when she became ill,My dad recently went into Hospital and has been bedridden for 6 weeks now. He could go home with a full care package but she is refusing to have him home even though he is the sole owner of the property.He us currently staying in a care home costing £1200 a week and keeps saying he wants to go home.There is no power of attorney in place and his partner doesn’t seem keen for us to visit his home to collect clothes for him and she hasn’t taken anything in for him despite us asking on numerous occasions.
At the top of this page, click on "RESOURCES", now click on "Caregiving Topics", you will find a lot of really good information regarding elder care. Read as much as you can. Knowledge is your guide.
You mention bringing your Dad to your home. Will he have caregivers or would you be doing the caring? If it is you doing the caring, please note you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day, with no days off. Also, do you really think your Dad's partner (who is probably a senior herself) could do the work of 3 full-time caregivers each day. I doubt it. It's exhausting work, with very little sleep. Time to mend some fences for the sake of your Dad, even if you know his partner is to blame.
As someone who has been through this, I will say that how much you love someone has nothing to do with it. Whether that person needs more care than can safely be managed at home - that is the question. Caregivers often precede their loved ones in death due the responsibilities and stress of caregiving.
I'm assuming she is close to his age. Is it possible that she already knows that he needs 24/7 care and that is why she not only didn't want to bring him home, but didn't like the idea of him going to live with you?
Has he been tested for dementia? Have you spent concentrated time with him over the years (weeks or months at a time) or is it limited to visits where he can showtime until you leave? It is often hard when you are not the caregiver to really understand the extent to which someone needs care.
All too often we see people come through that believe that loving someone is enough to make you a caregiver, that if you love someone you should be willing to make that sacrifice - without really understanding what they are saying. Or without understanding that you can love someone and still need to find other care options, for their safety as well as your own.
We often see people here who decide that they are going to take over caregiving responsibilities from someone else Unfortunately those same people often come back a few months later asking how to place their loved one or find help.
Here in the US his partner may have no say about what happens to him because they aren't married or has POA. Does England have Common law marriages? Me, if I had a key to the house, I would go and get what Dad needs. Its his home.
I am 76 and I would not care for a bedridden man. I don't have the strength needed to roll him to change him. She may not own the house but its been her home for years. She may not want strangers in it. Maybe best Dad stay in a care home.
"i appreciate that his partner may not be able to cope but surely if she loves him she would at least want to try." No one gets to dictate what she should or shouldn't do in terms of caregiving. So if he were to go home, the arrangements should be done with no expectation of her help or involvement.
However, it is legally HIS home. So if it is possible for him to safely go home, with the "full package" of caregivers in place, she doesn't have a right to prevent that. She is not obligated to participate in his care, but she cannot keep him out IF there are arrangements for his fulltime care in HIS house.
So that brings up the question of, must she leave? Every jurisdiction has different laws regarding eviction of a non-owner. So that would be a legal question. If your father is competent to provide you with valid power of attorney, that will impact what you can and can't do with regard to the home and her rights within it.
I hope you are able to sort this out without too much friction although that may be just wishful thinking.
If the partner lives for free in the father's house and he supports her, the OP and family should lay down the law right quick. Either she gets onboard with being her partner's caregiver or she moves out of the house.
If there is no POA or anything like that in place, the partner has no legal rights at all. She's not a spouse or even a next of kin. You have a right to go to his home and get his things. Go with the police if you have to.
Then you need to 1. put care in place at home for him or 2. sell this home and put him in assisted living.
Don't expect this partner who is not his wife to help.
Ummm….no. She already knows what it will be like and considers herself unable to do it. Plus they aren't married, and she has no legal obligation toward him.
Please realize that no matter how much love one has for another, caregiving is so difficult that it can break the kindest and most loving caregiver. Do educate yourself about what's involved! Reading posts on this site will help you to understand. Plus if dad has been bedridden for six weeks at age 92, he may never get his mobility back.
I noticed that you don't hesitate to volunteer his partner to give up her life to take care of your dad. How about it if YOU try it? Surely if you love him, you'd at least want to try.
i just can’t get my head around how vile she is being about it all. She doesn’t go to visit him and she won’t allow us to go to jos house to collect things for him.
i appreciate that his partner may not be able to cope but surely if she loves him she would at least want to try