CanI have advice on when mom asks me to take her home and she is home (dementia) and she gets so mad at me

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I am also dealing with this with my Father. He insists he has to go home, but he is in his home of 46 years. We have tried all the tactics where we take him for a drive and then follow his directions to go home. Other times, we have driven far distances looking for his home and returning with his exclamation that he is Home when he see his house. Disappointment sets in when before we unlock the door, he is asking again to go home and saying that this is not his home.
During the day he packs up, at night he makes elaborate plans to go home asking if we will have enough help and what time we are going to start the move.
I am reading with interest about entering the delusion with them and distraction etc. We cannot keep driving around the township and neighboring townships to "find" his home. So today I will try distractions again. I will try to be a little more creative.
This is all new to us. His delusions were, in the past rather fleeting but now it has come to the point where he cannot be left alone at all. A small shopping trip yesterday turned into him going to the neighbors.....and begging THEM to take him home.
Recently his Dr.put him on respirdal .25 mg twice a day. I feel this dosage is way too low from all I have read, but we only started on Wednesday, so we shall see.
I think one of the hardest things about taking care of parents with dementia is to realize that they are no longer in charge.....hard to disagree and "disobey" good old Dad. Hard to get clear that you do not have to do all that he asks as you did when we were children. Parental respect was a big thing here in this family. I still see my brother really torn when he has to not indulge my father's wishes. I guess time will take care of this. We are learning.
Sadly, yesterday was the first day that he did not recognize me as his daughter. A very sad thing indeed, but being a medical professional I was aware this day would arrive.
Thank you for the hints on how to handle this difficult experience. It has been a week and a half....many drives and much confusion and hopefully we will get better at the distraction tactics.

Thanks! Any comments would be appreciated!!!!
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Thanks for your ideas jennegibbs. Its going to be hard because she wants to see what they trap to prove it to herself as well us. Hopefully since I will be there tomorrow when pest control comes I can have a private chat with him or her. If she ever finds out we were fibbing she will trust me even less so this is a risk. Cross your fingers for us! I am so glad I ran across the site!
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vicislost, my heart goes out to you. Paranoia and scary delusions are very difficult to deal with!

It sounds like you've acknowledged your mom's reality by having the pest control people out. Now take it one step farther and have those pest people find the primary nest and successfully eradicate the entire bug population! And have them leave you with a spray bottle that can be used if Mom sees another bug, but stress how unlikely that will be.

There are bugs in her reality and she needs to have them gone. And she needs to know that you are on her side and will protect her.

Good luck to you (and keep trying to get her in for an evaluation).
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Sometimes it works to get my MOM up and have her dressed and then take her to the living room and turn on the TV. I like to find an Oldies DVD or channel for her that she remembers...Gunsmoke, Father Knows Best etc. A ROKU box or other streaming device can download these shows direct from Netflix to her TV.If that doesn't work, I tell her I will finish packing her stuff while she waits. Then I remake her bed with her favorite sheets, change the photos on the bedside table around, put a "Welcome home Grandma" sign on the bed with some flowers, and spray the pillow with my deceased father's Old Spice.I lay out a favorite pair of PJ's or nightgown and spritz the air with her perfume. (Smell is one of the most primitive memory enhancers.) I also have an old patchwork quilt she remembers for the bed. I put out cookies and her favorite teacup. Putting a sweater she remembers on the chair, music she remembers on the stereo also helps when we "return home" from a drive through the neighborhood. I point out neighbor's homes and comment on them...roses blooming, new car, etc. What she is remembering as "home" is sometimes the house she lived in when we were small children. I gently rmind her that we moved after I grew up and this is home now. She is usually so exhausted by the getting up and the drive that she falls asleep soon after. It tooks me awhile to find a bedspread like the one she remembered, but that worked for months. Next time I am going to paint the room her favorite pink and put up the lace curtains like she used to have in her room...and get her a new Teddy bear from the grandchildren.
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Sorry for my last post. Being new here I did not realize that this was the place to offer answers not post new questions. I was just so glad to find this site!
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I believe my mom is in the first stages of some kind of dementia . she will not agree to return to the geractric doctor for a full evaluation. I would love to be able to just go along with her when she is in another world, but what she sees are things that bother her so bad I think it was the cause of her first stroke. She is convinced there are bugs in her carpet and anything that is upholsterd and there is some type of rodent or large furry bug that is highly intelligent. She is scared to death at times so I can't say I se them because I cannot get rid of what I don't see! How can I dea with this? None of her doctors will help me. They just say "thats the prolem with those kinds of people, we cannot make someone come for treatment. if she can be deemed dangerous enougth that she might hurt herself or another, then i can only call 911 andvhave her taken in. I do not want to have to resort to this. we are havibg our 3 rd pest control company come out tomorrowl. So far all have said they see no signs of any pests but mom says no one looks right or long enough so she is still not convinced that maybe they are only in her mind. I would love the doctors prescribe an anti psychotic med and not tell her what it is but he is too smart, she make sure the pharmacy give her all the info on eveyrthing because he is also paranoid! Any ideas on how to deal? Her life is miserable. She has no life. She is forever battling these things or trying to trap them. she says i don't want to see them, then we fight. she has no friends or other family. she will not seek out any other human contact but crys she is lonely . she scare my son so that relationship isdone now too. HELp!
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My wife of 62 years, who is now 79, asks to go home almost every day even though we have lived here since 1965 and it is filled with our things. It does no good to tell her that we are home. Distraction is a valuable tool. I usually tell her, "Sweetheart, I will be glad to take you there but I have a problem. Where is home? Give me the address and we will go there right now." Then, in a very few minutes the subject is changed until the next time.

This works every time. Sometimes she asks if she can call her mother. "OK, my dear, but I don't have the number. What is it?" Distraction works every time.

BTW, I haven't tried it but I believe that saying, "Golly, that is a great idea but lunch is ready. How about we wait until we've eaten and then we can go." By the time the meal is over she will have forgotten about going home ..... for a while.
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Isn't that heartbreaking, and also frustrating for the caregiver!

Once again I agree with Ruth's approach. Last night (or rather 4 am this morning) my husband and I had this conversation:

DH: "I'm amazed at how much this place looks like our house."
Me: "In what way is that, Dear?"
DH: "Well look at that bookcase. Isn't that exactly like the one in our bedroom?'
Me: "You are right. It even needs dusting, like ours does!"
a little bit later
DH: "I don't know how I got here, or how long I'm staying, or how I'm getting home."
Me: "Does that bother you?"
DH, thinking about it: "No."
Me: "Good. I can assure you that in the morning you'll be back home in time to get ready for bowling."
DH: "Oh good."
End of discussion.

I have learned over the years that it is pointless and painful to try to convince someone with dementia of "the truth." You can't talk them out of their reality. If my hubby is in some alternate universe where this place looks exactly like his home but isn't his home, so be it. If it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother me.

But your situation is a little different. Your mom IS bothered by her perceived reality. She wants it changed. She wants to go home. My husband did that for a few months early in his disease. He'd pack a little bag and stand at the window waiting for someone to come to take him home. I was new at caregiving and hadn't learned much about dementia at that time. I tried to convince him that he was at home. I pointed out the evidence. I talked about when we bought the house and when we moved in, etc. etc. Of course none of that made any difference in his reality.If I had it to do over (and who knows? -- I might) I would try to accept his reality and then try to ease his discomfort. I like Ruth's approach about the doctor's advice that this is the best place, and how can I make it better? I might also try "This is where I live. I hope you will stay here with me, so we can take care of each other." Also I'd try to tune in to his current delusion. He often thought our house was a train station. Now I'd explain that a storm out West has delayed all the trains for a least a day, so why didn't we find a good movie to watch instead of waiting by the departure gate. Sometimes he thought we were in a school. Now I'd explain that vacation break isn't until next week, so we couldn't go home just yet. I didn't think of these things back then, but I've had plenty of experience with delusions since then, and it seems to work best to get into his reality and then comfort or distract him.

I'm sorry that your mom gets mad at you. That is hard to take, isn't it, when you are trying so hard to do what is right for her? Remember that it is the disease causing this behavior. Your mother won't like it any more than you do, if she were in control of herself. Try not to take her outbursts personally.

Good luck to you both.
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Hmmm. Well, I think one thing I said before was not to argue with her. Remember that conversation? I care for a lady with Demetia who thinks she is not at home. We tell her that she is comfortable and cared for, and safe here. You'll say "Mom - your doctor has decided this is the best place for you right now. Is your bed comfortable enough? Can I get anything to make you more comfortable?" Also remember that I told you to watch the Teepa Snow videos on talking with someone with Dementia. I don't think you'll find a lot of new answers...
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