My husband wants to come home from the nursing home. I can't take care of him. What can I do?

Asked by
Answers 1 to 10 of 22
Top Answer
Welcome to the group. You didn't state why he was the nursing home. It really doesn't matter what the reason is, but if you cannot take care of him yourself, then make sure that he is being taken care of in the nursing home, visit him often (even daily if you can for dinner perhaps) and then know that he is in a secure helpful place.

See to it that he is involved in activities at the nursing home and if he is not interested in very much, make sure that he is PART of the activities, even if it is discussing his hobby to a group.

When he asks to come home, provide him with the BEST answer why he cannot: "The doctor's want you to be here with medical help, "I" cannot provide that at home, and I want you to have the best care possible! If he is aware (no dementia) this may just work. If he has dementia/Alzheimer's you will have to be more creative. I never said 'goodbye' to my mother when she was in the rehab/nursing home. I would tell her I was going to the 'store' did she need anything? I would tell her that I would be right back, just going down the hall to check on a friend, to get the mail, to get something out of my car. As you can see I would make Pinnochio look like a amateur when it came to 'creative lying' but tell the truth to my mother would only upset her, make it impossible for me to leave, or put her in a very difficult mood for the staff to have to deal with. (I couldn't spend the night there).

Be reassuring that his stay is very important to his health, but don't dwell on this 'subject'. When you visit, bring a project with you for you both to work on. It doesn't have to be too complicated, even looking through magazines for something can prove to be fun. Keep it simple, but fun.

God Bless... I hope these suggestions help. Post more information if you need more specific help.
It probably would depend heavily upon whether your husband does have dementia/alz. Can he still be logical? If not, then that's a whole different thing. If he still has his wits about him, you tell him that you would like nothing better than to have him come home. That you wish you could turn back time to when he was well and you two were living happily together. But things have changed, you just can't do it by yourself. And if the roles were reversed, you would hope that you would be agreeable to him about that too. You are validating his feelings not dismissing them, but at the same time, things have got to stay as they are now. This is all contingent on him still having his wits about him though. And if you think he can come home for a few hours and not be miserable to have to go back, get him the heck out of there for awhile with a change of scenery. Sorry about your hubby.
I the wife got an inhirtance five years ago , my husband is in long term care now. It is just about gone. will this affect my getting medicad help.
Hello: My husband has been in the nursing home for Long Term for 3 years with alzheimer's/dementia. He feels he has been there for two months. He feel he is well enough to come home. I cannot manage him. In Canada the insurance will not help him if he comes home and has to return back to the nursing home. I am running out of reasons for him to stay there. Frustrated
mommom, as the community spouse, you should be allowed to keep a certain amount of assets and your home and car - but go to an estate planner or eldercare attorney to have the situation assessed and see what is still possible. That's a sad story!
PinkLady, your husband with Alzheimer's does not call the shots, YOU do, and you can use the same excuses or distractions or subject changers over and over again. It is sad and it is frustrating, but don't get yourself into something you cannot handle if you know you cannot handle it.
PinkLady - what cstefans said. If your husband has Alzheimers, you don't have to keep thinking up new excuses - just use the old ones over and over again. He can't remember! If you need more help with this, ask the NH nurse, case manager or other appropriate staff. Helping family members deal with such issues is part of their jobs.
PinkLady, sometimes when a person has Alzheimer's/Dementia when they say "home" it usually means the home they lived in as a child.

My Dad is dealing with that with my Mom who is in long term care. I have to keep reminding him that Mom isn't talking about the house he and Mom currently own and where he is still living.... that Mom is talking about her childhood home which was a dairy farm, as I have heard her ask how are the cattle doing, which has no relationship to the houses they had owned for the past 70 years.

It's like I am dealing with two elders regarding "home", and I know how frustrating it is but more so with my Dad... as with my Mom I can say "we will go later" and she's happy with that.
I'm new to this club and am thinking there is only one answer - they have to stay there. We tell Mom she can go back to assisted living if she starts to eat and is willing to use the walker so she won't fall. That satisfies her and she promises to cooperate. Five minutes later she's forgotten the conversation but so far, going through this mantra constantly calms her down momentarily which is the best we can hope for with someone who has no short term memory. The long term memory is still there which is why she wants to go "home" but of course couldn't even tell us where that is now.
Ask him to tell you about his "home" and see if it will get him onto a reminiscing mood, and you might tell him that you will see if you can take him for a visit. Should distract him for a bit ...

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support