My husband wants to come home from the nursing home. I can't take care of him. What can I do?

I am looking for someone my dad could talk to other than family for support. It is helpful to read him some of the responses. He is such an amazing man, who has been an amazing father and husband. I worry about when I leave and he is alone for the first time.

That was very helpful advise and yes we are trying to the distraction at each visit and yes the tears fall all the way to the parking lot.

Its so sad when family members tell us they want to go home. It puts a lot of guilt on us, even though we know there is no option. Being old and ill, what is the first thing you want? Of course it is to be where you feel safest and most secure with the happiest memories? Home. And when dementia is part of the equation, they can't understand and rationalize why they are not home.

When Mom asked to go home, I told her yes, she could go home as soon as she is well enough which means eating better, and promised her all her furniture is at my house. That would satisfy her for the moment while I was there. (although with dementia we had that discussion several times during a visit)

The worst part was whenever I left the NH, Mom would try to get up and follow me. She was always placed in front of the nurses station so she could see me walk down the hall. When I left, she would then cry and carry on for hours because her last memory was watching me walk out without her. She would say "I'll just wait in the car, or I'll go shopping with you". I used to cry all the way out the building.
We finally devised a plan with the aides who distracted her so she would not watch me physically leave. They would take her to the bathroom, or move her wheelchair into her room for a few minutes. With her short term memory pretty much gone after a few minutes, she forgot I had been there.
For some reason she did remember if she watched me leave - probably because my leaving her alone had an emotional impact that stuck in her mind, whereas a quiet non-stressful visit did not.

Ty Jeannegibbs. I know they are hurting and it is painful to have her ask to come home. She had even said things like what did I do so bad that my family would do this to me. I think fear is part of what makes them not want to go. Fear that the could not leave and not take her. I pray to god each day that he watches over her and that he lets her know how much we adore her.

nurseccuddles, this is very, very hard. With dementia we lose our loved ones over a period of time, and our mourning and grief are not saved up for one big riot of emotion when they die. What you are feeling is normal. Give yourself permission to grieve. Give yourself time to heal.

Do not confuse normal bereavement grief with guilt. As a daughter and as a nurse you have done the absolute best you can. And that is as much as any of us can do. Your sibs who are putting their own feelings ahead of visiting mom may be failing her -- I don't know the circumstances -- but you are certainly not!

I wanted to comment that your responses were helpful. My mother had to be placed in a nursing home last week, it was by far the hardest thing I ever did. My dad had been caring for her but her dementia had grown much worse and he was exhausted. She wants to come home so bad, she is ok if I am with her but wants me to stay. She looks sad and that hurts so bad. My siblings find it too hard to be there which makes it even harder. I have taken time off work but have to return next week and it is two hours from my parents and the nursing home. Can anyone give me advise how to stop crying every night and feeling like as a daughter and nurse I have failed my mother

I admitted my husband in a nursing home 2 months ago. He has vascular dementia & diabetes. He is combative at times and that was the primary reason for his admission. He had begun to hit me, resist eating and reluctant to have me change him. All that said, I see him declining even more. He has good days and bad days. I believe the drugs that he's taking for his combativeness has made him more lethargic. I miss him and want to bring him home but afraid that I will not be able to handle it. My emotions and my health are in jeopardy, I know this but I hurt for him even though I see him often and he is being taken care of. What to do is very difficult when you've been married to someone for 51 years. Everyone close to me tells me its the right thing to do but it keeps me up at night.

Hi, I recently told that my mom needed to go into a nursing home because of her dementia and other health issues. Before she was admitted me and my younger were struggling to take care of her. My dad passed away in September and my older brother was murdered over a year ago, so I've been dealing with all of that and trying to take care of my mother and my brother. I has been a long road for me. I have tried my best to take care of my mother but I just don't know that I can do it anymore, I have two young children who needed me especially my son who has adhd. I know my mother doesn't understand why she has to be there and is mad at me for trying to do what is right for her, I wish that she could understand that I'm not being selfish I'm just doing what is in her best interest where she can be properly taken care of. A part of me is feeling guilty because I promised my dad before he died that I would take care of her and I feel like I'm failing him because I can't bring her home and properly take care of her anymore. Is this a normal feeling?

We tell my MIL - who is in Memory Care AL - that she is there for physical therapy and can come home when she is stronger and the doctor says she's ready. (She will never be coming back home - her dementia is beyond our ability to care for her and physically she is very frail - a little twig.) Moreover, she has a MUCH BETTER quality of life THERE than she did the last few months she lived with us - when she mostly stayed in her room except for meals and a very brief walk around the living room/dining room/kitchen a couple of times a day. At the AL they have a schedule of daily activities and she's not given the option of staying alone in her room for no good reason, so she gets PLENTY of healthy stimulation.

We did not and could not offer her such - as in, give up our lives entirely to "entertain" her, so she was often bored - but also refused to go out anywhere - even for a drive or to sit in the yard in good weather. Now they get her up, and into the community room, where she sits with new "friends" and participates in the activities.

Not easy, but best for all of us. I still need to make a living and am looking forward to getting back to work that I enjoy!

My mother says the same. At this point, home to her is the house she used to have 10 years ago. She doesn't even know where home is. Its sad. We just tell her that she is here to get stronger. We say until she starts eating better and gets strong enough to use the walker and get around she has to stay here to get help. That seems to satisfy her, although we know she will never leave the nursing home.

and i say this every time i see her and it breaks my heart. i never want her to be fearful or feel abandoned..or lonely...when i see her we go over pictures of old homes and all of the children as well as her brothers....it is a long walk hand in hand

I tell my mother that home is here with me and i live right down the street and visit her everyday ...and that we are family and always close by and i will never leave her. and that her children all know where she is...and we all love her very much...and that we will never leave her

Ask him to tell you about his "home" and see if it will get him onto a reminiscing mood, and you might tell him that you will see if you can take him for a visit. Should distract him for a bit ...

I'm new to this club and am thinking there is only one answer - they have to stay there. We tell Mom she can go back to assisted living if she starts to eat and is willing to use the walker so she won't fall. That satisfies her and she promises to cooperate. Five minutes later she's forgotten the conversation but so far, going through this mantra constantly calms her down momentarily which is the best we can hope for with someone who has no short term memory. The long term memory is still there which is why she wants to go "home" but of course couldn't even tell us where that is now.

PinkLady, sometimes when a person has Alzheimer's/Dementia when they say "home" it usually means the home they lived in as a child.

My Dad is dealing with that with my Mom who is in long term care. I have to keep reminding him that Mom isn't talking about the house he and Mom currently own and where he is still living.... that Mom is talking about her childhood home which was a dairy farm, as I have heard her ask how are the cattle doing, which has no relationship to the houses they had owned for the past 70 years.

It's like I am dealing with two elders regarding "home", and I know how frustrating it is but more so with my Dad... as with my Mom I can say "we will go later" and she's happy with that.

PinkLady - what cstefans said. If your husband has Alzheimers, you don't have to keep thinking up new excuses - just use the old ones over and over again. He can't remember! If you need more help with this, ask the NH nurse, case manager or other appropriate staff. Helping family members deal with such issues is part of their jobs.

PinkLady, your husband with Alzheimer's does not call the shots, YOU do, and you can use the same excuses or distractions or subject changers over and over again. It is sad and it is frustrating, but don't get yourself into something you cannot handle if you know you cannot handle it.

mommom, as the community spouse, you should be allowed to keep a certain amount of assets and your home and car - but go to an estate planner or eldercare attorney to have the situation assessed and see what is still possible. That's a sad story!

Hello: My husband has been in the nursing home for Long Term for 3 years with alzheimer's/dementia. He feels he has been there for two months. He feel he is well enough to come home. I cannot manage him. In Canada the insurance will not help him if he comes home and has to return back to the nursing home. I am running out of reasons for him to stay there. Frustrated

I the wife got an inhirtance five years ago , my husband is in long term care now. It is just about gone. will this affect my getting medicad help.

It probably would depend heavily upon whether your husband does have dementia/alz. Can he still be logical? If not, then that's a whole different thing. If he still has his wits about him, you tell him that you would like nothing better than to have him come home. That you wish you could turn back time to when he was well and you two were living happily together. But things have changed, you just can't do it by yourself. And if the roles were reversed, you would hope that you would be agreeable to him about that too. You are validating his feelings not dismissing them, but at the same time, things have got to stay as they are now. This is all contingent on him still having his wits about him though. And if you think he can come home for a few hours and not be miserable to have to go back, get him the heck out of there for awhile with a change of scenery. Sorry about your hubby.

Welcome to the group. You didn't state why he was the nursing home. It really doesn't matter what the reason is, but if you cannot take care of him yourself, then make sure that he is being taken care of in the nursing home, visit him often (even daily if you can for dinner perhaps) and then know that he is in a secure helpful place.

See to it that he is involved in activities at the nursing home and if he is not interested in very much, make sure that he is PART of the activities, even if it is discussing his hobby to a group.

When he asks to come home, provide him with the BEST answer why he cannot: "The doctor's want you to be here with medical help, "I" cannot provide that at home, and I want you to have the best care possible! If he is aware (no dementia) this may just work. If he has dementia/Alzheimer's you will have to be more creative. I never said 'goodbye' to my mother when she was in the rehab/nursing home. I would tell her I was going to the 'store' did she need anything? I would tell her that I would be right back, just going down the hall to check on a friend, to get the mail, to get something out of my car. As you can see I would make Pinnochio look like a amateur when it came to 'creative lying' but tell the truth to my mother would only upset her, make it impossible for me to leave, or put her in a very difficult mood for the staff to have to deal with. (I couldn't spend the night there).

Be reassuring that his stay is very important to his health, but don't dwell on this 'subject'. When you visit, bring a project with you for you both to work on. It doesn't have to be too complicated, even looking through magazines for something can prove to be fun. Keep it simple, but fun.

God Bless... I hope these suggestions help. Post more information if you need more specific help.