My husband wants to come home from the nursing home. I can't take care of him. What can I do?

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I am looking for someone my dad could talk to other than family for support. It is helpful to read him some of the responses. He is such an amazing man, who has been an amazing father and husband. I worry about when I leave and he is alone for the first time.
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That was very helpful advise and yes we are trying to the distraction at each visit and yes the tears fall all the way to the parking lot.
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Its so sad when family members tell us they want to go home. It puts a lot of guilt on us, even though we know there is no option. Being old and ill, what is the first thing you want? Of course it is to be where you feel safest and most secure with the happiest memories? Home. And when dementia is part of the equation, they can't understand and rationalize why they are not home.

When Mom asked to go home, I told her yes, she could go home as soon as she is well enough which means eating better, and promised her all her furniture is at my house. That would satisfy her for the moment while I was there. (although with dementia we had that discussion several times during a visit)

The worst part was whenever I left the NH, Mom would try to get up and follow me. She was always placed in front of the nurses station so she could see me walk down the hall. When I left, she would then cry and carry on for hours because her last memory was watching me walk out without her. She would say "I'll just wait in the car, or I'll go shopping with you". I used to cry all the way out the building.
We finally devised a plan with the aides who distracted her so she would not watch me physically leave. They would take her to the bathroom, or move her wheelchair into her room for a few minutes. With her short term memory pretty much gone after a few minutes, she forgot I had been there.
For some reason she did remember if she watched me leave - probably because my leaving her alone had an emotional impact that stuck in her mind, whereas a quiet non-stressful visit did not.
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Ty Jeannegibbs. I know they are hurting and it is painful to have her ask to come home. She had even said things like what did I do so bad that my family would do this to me. I think fear is part of what makes them not want to go. Fear that the could not leave and not take her. I pray to god each day that he watches over her and that he lets her know how much we adore her.
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nurseccuddles, this is very, very hard. With dementia we lose our loved ones over a period of time, and our mourning and grief are not saved up for one big riot of emotion when they die. What you are feeling is normal. Give yourself permission to grieve. Give yourself time to heal.

Do not confuse normal bereavement grief with guilt. As a daughter and as a nurse you have done the absolute best you can. And that is as much as any of us can do. Your sibs who are putting their own feelings ahead of visiting mom may be failing her -- I don't know the circumstances -- but you are certainly not!
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I wanted to comment that your responses were helpful. My mother had to be placed in a nursing home last week, it was by far the hardest thing I ever did. My dad had been caring for her but her dementia had grown much worse and he was exhausted. She wants to come home so bad, she is ok if I am with her but wants me to stay. She looks sad and that hurts so bad. My siblings find it too hard to be there which makes it even harder. I have taken time off work but have to return next week and it is two hours from my parents and the nursing home. Can anyone give me advise how to stop crying every night and feeling like as a daughter and nurse I have failed my mother
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I admitted my husband in a nursing home 2 months ago. He has vascular dementia & diabetes. He is combative at times and that was the primary reason for his admission. He had begun to hit me, resist eating and reluctant to have me change him. All that said, I see him declining even more. He has good days and bad days. I believe the drugs that he's taking for his combativeness has made him more lethargic. I miss him and want to bring him home but afraid that I will not be able to handle it. My emotions and my health are in jeopardy, I know this but I hurt for him even though I see him often and he is being taken care of. What to do is very difficult when you've been married to someone for 51 years. Everyone close to me tells me its the right thing to do but it keeps me up at night.
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Hi, I recently told that my mom needed to go into a nursing home because of her dementia and other health issues. Before she was admitted me and my younger were struggling to take care of her. My dad passed away in September and my older brother was murdered over a year ago, so I've been dealing with all of that and trying to take care of my mother and my brother. I has been a long road for me. I have tried my best to take care of my mother but I just don't know that I can do it anymore, I have two young children who needed me especially my son who has adhd. I know my mother doesn't understand why she has to be there and is mad at me for trying to do what is right for her, I wish that she could understand that I'm not being selfish I'm just doing what is in her best interest where she can be properly taken care of. A part of me is feeling guilty because I promised my dad before he died that I would take care of her and I feel like I'm failing him because I can't bring her home and properly take care of her anymore. Is this a normal feeling?
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We tell my MIL - who is in Memory Care AL - that she is there for physical therapy and can come home when she is stronger and the doctor says she's ready. (She will never be coming back home - her dementia is beyond our ability to care for her and physically she is very frail - a little twig.) Moreover, she has a MUCH BETTER quality of life THERE than she did the last few months she lived with us - when she mostly stayed in her room except for meals and a very brief walk around the living room/dining room/kitchen a couple of times a day. At the AL they have a schedule of daily activities and she's not given the option of staying alone in her room for no good reason, so she gets PLENTY of healthy stimulation.

We did not and could not offer her such - as in, give up our lives entirely to "entertain" her, so she was often bored - but also refused to go out anywhere - even for a drive or to sit in the yard in good weather. Now they get her up, and into the community room, where she sits with new "friends" and participates in the activities.

Not easy, but best for all of us. I still need to make a living and am looking forward to getting back to work that I enjoy!
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My mother says the same. At this point, home to her is the house she used to have 10 years ago. She doesn't even know where home is. Its sad. We just tell her that she is here to get stronger. We say until she starts eating better and gets strong enough to use the walker and get around she has to stay here to get help. That seems to satisfy her, although we know she will never leave the nursing home.
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