Why is my Mom so cooperative and loving with Adult Day Care staff, but uncooperative and mean with me? - AgingCare.com

Why is my Mom so cooperative and loving with Adult Day Care staff, but uncooperative and mean with me?

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1. Because you are THERE.
2. Because you are "taking over."
3. Because she always has (it's a form of emotional abuse).
4. My mom's doc was reluctant to put her on antidepressant until Mom dropped the act and let the dr see her real self. Bingo!
5. Some old folks get just plain crabby because everything hurts all the time and they are tired of living.
Take care of yourself first. Don't let her see you cry.
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I agree with the opening sentence godhelpus wrote. I do not owe my mother anything either. I wasn't a saint in the my teens and a lot of it was my rebellion against my mother's verbal abuse and never ending criticism,which unfortunately lasted my lifetime. Everyone thinks mom is an angel but she is far from it. She acts all nicey, nicey to others, will do anything to make herself look good, but she doesn't give a hoot about my kids and me. She claims to be a God-fearing Christian but doesn't act like one. She hated her mother, she hated me and she hated my daughter. She may never have been diagnosed with dementia/Alz but no person in their right mind would act the way mom did and does.
When I was her caregiver, to her I never did anything right, never said anything right, never gave enough. Trying to set boundaries,although necessary, just infuriated her. When I told her I wasn't taking her garbage anymore, she disowned me and my kids. We did what we could but it wasn't enough for her. She never appreciated her family. I never have figured out why being nice to others meant so much more to her than us.
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bnagey,
Sorry, I can't buy into the "payback" game. No one in this forum asked to be born, and if our parents didn't raise us properly and we acted out in our teen years.....that is no ones fault but their own.
I was raised to be responsible for myself & no one else. I was not raised by caring, compassionate people who showed me how to care for others. That I had to learn on my own.
If my mother wanted a servant she should have raised me that way.
I owe her nothing. What I do is out of the love of Christ flowing through me toward her and the rest of His creation.
My parents fed me but my brother for the most part raised me. All my reprobate parents did was bicker in their own childish / selfish world and were too busy treating each other badly to really care for us. There were a few good times but overall I can say my parents should not have had children! I moved out at 18 yrs. and never asked for anything.
Still I do what I can in service to my God. I also care for the rest of humanity and would not wish my mom on them. You're welcome!!!!
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CHERYL:

I respectfully disagree with those who blame the disease for the strained relationship between you and your Mom. She seems to look forward to ADC staff. Have you spoken with any one of them to find out why that is? Is it because they have clearly drawn boundaries and knows that entertaining the idea of being uncooperative just for the hell of it and making their lives miserable is a losing proposition?

She does it because she can, and apparently there's nothing you can do about it except keep on taking the abuse. ... It all starts and ends with you, but be careful about the steps you take to address this situation. Think everything through, consult your husband so you can have some backup, and don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgement. Good luck.

-- ED
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I agree with most, she feels like going out she is supposed to act "right". That is a long term memory. And with you she probubly feels so confused. Sometimes they call their daughters mother because they never remember their daughters older than a young age. She knows she is loved by you and can let her feelings out, as much as it makes you feel lousy, maybe it helps her. Sorry you have to deal with it, think back when you were a teenager, maybe she is just getting you back. lol
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Cheryl, my mom is the very same way. She's now in a nursing home so I can relax and breathe easier. When she was home w/me she lashed out all the time, but w/others she was as sweet as pie. They all said that, "your mother is just the sweetest woman", I just looked at them and rolled my eyes....lol.......She's been in the home about a year now, and she is starting to lash out w/the staff. Probably because she is starting to relax w/them. They know now how to handle her, and she's getting the best care possible. I know she's just frustrated because she's old (93) and can't do for herself any longer. Toilet, getting dressed, eating, walking, hearing, etc....Her body is just breaking down and she's lashing back in the only way she knows how. I only see her twice a week, because even though, I know what's going on with her it still hurts when she's mean to me for no reason. Good luck to you. I know it's not easy for you.
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195austin,
Absolutely correct. You cannot allow it to destroy you.
I have gone as far as to speak to an attorney to find out my legal obligations to my mom. Now I know and if it comes to that I know what I must do. Hopefull it won't come to that but I am forwarned.
Praying for us all.
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IF you can tolarate their behavior great but if it makes your crazy and sick then it is time for placement-after 16 yrs. I could not do it any more and chose placement no one was helping and he said he hated me and was abusive so I put my foot down why should I be abused and treated badly when I decided others came to my defense so you take as much as you can and then give in.
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AlzC,
Thanks for the coconut water thing. My mom's diabetic & just recently got out of NH rehab after a very low sodium level. Got her the G2 low sugar gatoraide but she likes coconut. Folks are dropping these days from low sodium now that we've swung the pendulum the other way with this low salt craze. God put salt on the earth for a reason & all in moderation. I'm a big believer in balance, though I don't get much from mom these days.
Cheryla,
You're on the right track but don't neglect yourself. You won't be able to take care of your elder if you are out of commission. Your mom has to show respect to others but doesn't feel obligated to show any to you. After all, she changed your diapers & that's where her head is at. Often they still see us as children. Very common for folks in our position, but the Love&logic.com website & the good folks here can help tremendously. I've learned volumes myself in just a few weeks.
God be with us.
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Exxtreme thirst...is diabetes or some kidney problem perhaps?
Just learned about Coconut water, filled with several natural electrolytes. Might be good to have a stock on hand for your mother rather than gatorade. Runners use this to help recover from running events and muscle cramps. I now mix with Mom's protein drink and her yogurts.
Ok, so count your blessings that she is thirsty, usually it's the other way around....and how do you make someone drink who doesn't want to or who chokes too much?
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