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My 82 year old mother-in-law is driving ME insane! In November of 2010, we made the decision to stop being the caregivers for her; she has dementia, won't seek treatment and her nurse practioner (she won't see a physician) is not capable of treating her condition. He recognizes it, but really ignores it.

Since we stopped being her caregivers, she has caused nothing but problems. Threatening to sue us for "trying to make her think she is crazy" or call the police for taking a can opener (one that broke years ago). She has, for the past 10 years or so, accused everyone of wanting her money-(she has none). The only asset she has is her home...and in 1997, she was afraid that she would develop dementia like her mother, so she transferred her home into my husbands name. She then accused him of only taking care of her for her house. SO, after meeting with a counselor and adult protective services, he signed the house back over to her-(I think my husband was trying to show her that he loved her, NOT her house). Did I mention that her other son, David, is a convicted sexual predator and is playing the "nothing is wrong with you, can I have money" game.

Anyway, NOW, she is accusing us of taking more than $3000 from her checking account! We have never had a POA, access to her account, or anything to do with her checking account. I am so very sick of all the drama. We have gone to Human Services, we have talked to a counselor, what else can we do? I know, its the dementia, but it feels like she is trying to destroy our lives.

My poor husband feels so guility that he is not protecting her from David, but she continues to make these accusations-(she even went into our 23 year old son's employer and told his supervisor that he was a "horrible" person). Why is she striking out against the only people in her life that honestly care about her? She has driven everyone else away-(her other grandchildren, her niece, and now us!).

Help?

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I agree, it sounds like there is no being logical with her. My mom was always nice to everyone - drs., neighbors, nurses, salespeople, etc., but to me her only child (and my husband) she was very vindictive in her last few years - she would yell, accuse us of things and would sarcastically complain to others "see what I have to put up with" if I even asked her how she was feeling - and I would be standing right there with her but she complained about me to whoever was around us at the time. The others couldn't understand why she was doing it because they heard what I said and knew I was being nice. The psychologist at the rehab finally told me that she is being nasty to me (the one closest to her and the one doing everything for her - I was handling all her affairs (by her choice) making sure that the drs. and nurses were taking care of her and this was the way she was treating me. The psychologist stated that "she knew she could be nasty to me because she knew I would always be there for her". If she was nasty to drs., nurses, salespeople, neighbors they would get disgusted with her and wouldn't come back - me on the other hand she knew would come back. Basically he said "she had me wrapped around her finger". Just a thought of what might be going on here. Good luck!
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The answer is simple: because she had dementia.

Simple, but not particularly helpful.

You have involved social services. You have seen counselors. What else can you do?

Um, ignore her? Refuse to participate in her dramas? She accuses you of taking money out of her account. "Sorry, Mom, we don't even have access to your account. Do you want to talk about something else? Otherwise I'm hanging up now." She wants to call the police over a missing can opener? "That is fine, Mother, but don't be surprised if they are not overly concerned." She wants to sue you? "Do you need help finding a lawyer, Mom?"

It is a sad answer, but it might be your best option. Just stay out of the drama. If that means limiting contact with your mother, so be it. Try to set some boundaries. You will talk to her, but only about topics acceptable to you. No drama. If that is not possible, you will not talk to her.

The harder question (I think) is how hubby can deal with his feelings of guilt. He did not cause the problem. He tried in rational ways to fix the problem. He may feel disappointed. He may feel grief. He may feel bad. People who don't feel bad when bad things happen are a little scary, don't you think? But guilt? I just don't see it. He didn't make his brother the way he is. He didn't give his mother dementia. He didn't abandon her -- she kicked him out of her life.

This is a very, very sad situation. Disengaging from the drama wouldn't make it any happier, but it may save your sanity.
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Obviously, you did not read my initial post. The only sibling to "trade-off" care to is a convicted sexual molester who is taking financial advantage of her illness. Yes, she is sick; yes, she is probably scared. BUT, just like you would treat a child, sometimes you have to say enough is enough. I would never allow our children to treat either my husband or myself the way that she has treated us.

I am glad your experience was one that you can look back on with fond memories. This women did not give her son (my husband) 18 years. She adopted him and he lived with his grandmother. My mother in law has always told us that she adopted my husband for her mother.

I, too, come from a family that hangs tough, but this is not representative of my husbands family and certainly not representative of his mother.
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Lenzeme - I've been in the same situation in which my mother who has dementia but is also mentally ill (bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder) has said horrible things about me to caregivers, neighbors, medical staff, etc. I mean HORRIBLE - accused me of stealing her medication, pushing her down, and other lies and it has been extremely challenging, to say the least. My situation with her is fairly recent since she was managing fairly well until she went into the hospital for an infection, and upon release from the hospital she refused to go to the nursing center. So we've had a rough past month but I've learned alot on this site and here is how I'm handling it now - I LIMIT CONTACT. I have caregivers in place and I call her each day, usually twice to check in and since I've backed off, she is treating me more respectfully. If/when she becomes hostile or agitated and lashes out at me, I simply change the subject and if she continues, I either get up to leave or tell her I have to go - have another call coming in. In other words, I'm in control, not her. I experienced the guilt, etc. and then realized for what? Why feel guilty for doing everything and more to help her? The other side of your issue related to your brother-in-law is more difficult since he is manipulating her and it doesn't seem there is much you can do other than monitor the situation as best as possible and then report him to law enforcement if he is stealing from her. I would expect he'd be on probation so you could also contact his probation officer if this is the case. But recognizing my limitations was what has helped me the most. We can't control everything going on but we can certainly control how we react or don't react to it by not allowing the toxic effects of these people's personalities and illnesses to infect our souls.
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Lenzeme, sounds like you have researched all your options and are limited in what you can do without your mother-in-law's cooperation for the time being. You may want to check on her a couple of times weekly, let adult protective services know about her other son's criminal background and his desire to get money from her. That may change the sense of urgency for APS to step in. They should have a hotline you can call to report your concerns even anonymously. If nothing else, they can also keep an eye on the situation. Your husband was smart to transfer her home back to her name when she started complaining. I wouldn't worry about her accusing you of taking $3,000 from her account because you will easily be able to prove that you do not have access to her bank account. Don't abandon her completely, but take a step back for your husband's sanity and yours. Good luck in a no-win situation, Lezeme.
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You mother -in- law is sick and scared. The more she fusses the more frightened she is. She is like a child lashing out. This is a cry for help. Do not desert her. My mother would lash out at me in her last year . I would just answer back" I know you are frustrated from being sick and hurting. I will do my best to help you and be here for you." They say you go through two times of childhood and it is true. My mother acted like a fussy child. I had to be the parent and try to soothe her. It was not easy but I would do it in a heart beat over again because that was my mother who put up with me for 18 years. I only paid back 8 years. I did the same for my mother-in-law too. Trade off with your siblings if you can get them to help you. No one said getting old and being mentally frail was going to be easy. In my family we have a history of hanging tough and looking out for each other. I hope you can try this for your mother-in-laws sake. If you need to get professional help to handle her, then at least try to answer this cry of help. You will thank yourselves for the rest of your life.
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Lenzeme I am so sorry for you. My husband was abusive to me and I was the only one to put up with him-he had no friends to speak of who would bother with him-when my health was impacted greatly by caring for him I had to make the decision to have him placed-I did not deserve to be treated like he was treating me-he died before the paperwork was done. While he was home I had to leave his space and just not engage him in conversation-I know what you are going through and if you can when she starts ranting go into another room if you can. Social service in your county should be helping you-I would see an elder lawyer and seek his or her advice. since the house is back in her name if she is placed the facility will consider that an asset for her.
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Givingup Your screen name should be revised to "Givingupisnotanoption"
After my Mom's diagnosis My focus became her wellbeing. I was told you can't do it repetedly by my family. Who for the record, had no other solution but to hinder my actions to deal with the problem. Noone wanted the job but, only had useless answers and negative complaints instead of helpful constructive actions or words. I found out the hard way, but I did find out...Actions speak louder than words with family and my Mom. A pure soul cannot be weakened or overruled by harsh words or ill intent. Food for thought!
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wuvs - I agree with you that positive overcomes negative and I'd add that I love my mother and have made numerous sacrifices to take care of her, to include paying for caregivers, her food, cable, etc. and foregoing time with friends and my spouse, However, I realized after getting physically ill from devoting my every minute to my mother's care was not healthy and that I had to set some limits on how much I could do because regardless of how much I did, she was verbally and emotionally abusive and putting myself in her path was self-destructive. It's amazing to me how once I set some limits on her behavior, similarly to how a mother would set limits on a teenager who yells and screams, I was able to change the dynamic despite her dementia. In other words, she realized I wasn't going to tolerate it. I expect that like many of the experiences mentioned on this site that my situation is very different than yours and others and what works for me wouldn't work for you, and that we each have our own path and must determine our own direction for how to best deal with all the challenges we are confronting in this journey. But I am a Christian and I am following God's leading down this rocky road. I commend your dedication and determination to care for your mom despite the naysayers and hindrances you have encountered.
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Pardon me for misspelling your name, Lenzeme.
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