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I told her if she wants to cook I will come up and let her do it while I am there. She is very mad at me but I in the past have had to clean up after her so when dr. said she should not is when I decided to turn it off. I have told her I will be there for her to cook but she is mad I will not let her do it alone.
How do I handle this situation. She lives alone.

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My mom lives alone and has not been told she shouldn't use the stove but I feel like she shouldn't. I buy all of her groceries and make sure she has things that either don't need cooked or that can be cooked in the microwave. So far she has been ok with this since she doesn't eat much of anything but sweets.
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No she does not use good judgement but my hands are some what tied until I can make my sister realize that she need help. The assisted living is out for now because of the smoking. But she should be finding someone to be there more.
I know she shoulod not be smoking but dam she is 80 and I just can't say know but I keep telling her if she was to stop she could enjoy more of her life.
This is the path she has chosen and it is her life so all I can do is keep her as comfortable and safe as possable.
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I am with you on thinking she should be in assisted living; I don't think you are allowed to smoke there either. To be on oxygen and still be smoking is just insane to me.
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ginalsatv - does she have dementia? The oxygen would be a main hazard to her cooking. Does she take the oxygen off to cook? If I understand you correctly, she knows to keep the oxygen away from flames as she is smoking in another room. Instead, she is non-compliant with using the oxygen 100% of the time in order to do activities which she would be restricted. I think the issue here is whether she is capable of good judgement.
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She is not driving! She is a little lax on other items. She is on oxygen 70 percent of the time but will not keep it on when she is doing any of the above. She has a room she smokes in away from the oxygen and she spends alot of time there. She should be on oxygen 100% but refuses.
I feel she should be in assisted living or have someone more during the day but other family member say to let her be where she is happiest. So all I can do is try to keep an eye on her. This becomes very stressful at times but I can only do what I feel is best.
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If she is not able to use the stove, then what else is she not able to do? Like can she use the coffee machine, can she lock the doors at night, can she understand the dryer or leave it on all day, can she use the microwave, can she remember to flush the toilet, take a bath, brush her teeth, take her meds, put clothes on, sleep in a bed? It sounds like to me that she needs to be in assisted lv. The stove is just one issue. I hope she is not still driving.
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ginals.atv ...."a warm welcome" for joining us here! You should fill in your profile so we can get a better idea of what your situation is.
From your post I understand the Dr. is aware of hazard or danger. This raises a serious red flag in my own experience and with knowledge of others who did not see this type of warning as a need for 24/7 care. It is usually too late before a person careing for a parent, can understand what you are really dealing with. (I and friends have learned the hard way as well) I use a 2year old scenerio to get the point across. A 2 year old wants to be independent but, would you let a 2 yr old cook, drive a car, make finacial decisions, etc. just because they want to. In fact a 2 year old might remember the danger of walking away from a pan on the stove where as a elder person with declined health may not. The way you can handle a situation like this to remove hazards and don't worry about approval. Microwaves can be worse than a stove, if too many zero's you've got a fire!!! 2:00 can be 20:00 or 200:00. My friend's Mom blew up 3 micro's until she got the picture, No Micro!!! If she wants to cook let her cook under supervision only. The circut breaker thing is a great idea. This still worries me because if Mom remembers this as a solution it may cause a different type of danger. Put it this way I had my Mom at my home she never once tried to cook never in a million years would I have thought she would ever go near the stove. One morning I entered the kitchen all 4 burners on high flame... nothing cooking, I asked Mom why are the burners on? she said.. "I didn't do that,... Oh yes I did" she said "I wanted a cup of tea, I didn't want to bother you." Thank's to my very smart cat (believe it or not) he'd wake me if Mom was up to something, if I were asleep. She took a stroll one night 12:30 AM, I slept in same bed that night, because i knew she was on a mission. She waited till I was out cold climbed over me, to get out of bed without waking me, (got thru the barricade at door) walked across the road into a lake and neighbors dog heard her, Thanks to the dog woke his owner he called the police and she smiled at me when I saw she was wet and said "I Was In a BIG PUDDLE!!!' She had no idea she was in the lake wet up to her chest and clueless. I am not saying your Mom is as ambitious as mine. It is very important to understand that whatever it takes to keep a safe enviroment is important. You don't need permission to do what is right in this matter. If you focus on what's best for your Mom, I assure you a path will be there to help and guide you. May sound crazy but that's the key.
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I think you did the right thing. Make sure she has a microwave to warm foods and drinks while she is alone. Emphasize that the doctor said it is not safe for her to cook while she is alone. Her reaction is normal and she will come to terms with it eventually. Just be firm and let her know you understand and care about her feelings.
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You can try this.....maybe it will work. Have no one in the house use the stove for a week.. Tell her it is not working well...ok, so it is, but u tell a 2 year old the same thing to keep him/her away from the burners, that's life....no lies, just safety.....have everyone use microwave, and slowly comment on how good the micro foods tastes...still not mentioning stove....if she does, tell her the repair is taking a little longer than anticipated, it is you didn't call. Like Santa, u take the list and u bring the presents.......u go from child to mom ......reverse in rolls. better than her having 1st degree burns......
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Lucky for me her brakers are in her basement and she can not go down stairs with her walker. We are very concerned about her and how to know when its time for her to have help. We are looking into that now because it may not be far into the future!
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The fact that she lives on her own makes it impossible to monitor all of her activities. My mother lives with me and when she was still able to cook, I only let her when I was home. When I left the house, I turned the stove off at the breaker so there was no way she could turn on the stove. I would suggest unplugging the stove as it would probably be hard for her to pull out the stove and replug...the breaker idea won't work if she is familiar with her electric box. I hope there is a plan in place for when your mom can no longer be alone in her own home...that time will come.
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I had to get a little tough with my mom after she had a couple accidents and nearly burned herself badly. She lives with me so it was easier for me to keep track of her, I finally had to ban her from the kitchen entirely while I cooked because though her advice is useful, our kitchen is quite small and there just was not room in it for all three of us, me, her, and her walker! I will let her to do simple things, though, making salad or frosting for the brownies (she still does a diabolical chocolate frosting to die for but she measures the ingredients her way and I mix). Like the others, she does not like it but she simply can't do it on a walker anymore, even standing in one place is hard on her back because of the ostio. Again, she does not like it but I had to insist. A lot of my time is simply spent trying to keep up her spirits, as she has been sure she will be dead the next day for the last 4 years.
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We moved my mother in law next door to us several months ago. We unplugged the stove and she has never noticed. We provide all meals. Now if we could just get her to stop closing the air conditioning vents when "cold air" blows out of them even when its 100 outside! We do keep her house at 80 because she likes it warm. :)
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My Mom would not listen to reason and we were afraid she would end up setting the house on fire. It wasn't the nicest thing to do but we took the knobs off the stove so she couldn't turn it on. We hid the knobs and she found them a couple of times but for the most part Mom has adjusted to other people cooking for her. One of the things that helped was that we bought a coffee machine for her since she used to use the stove several times a day to heat water for coffee.
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Tell her to use the microwave, much safer.
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It is OK for her to be mad. This is dismaying evidence of her loss of skills and independence. No doubt she is mad about getting old. She is mad at the doctor and at you, who are making her acknowledge this indignity. Can you really blame her?

It is OK for you to step in and insist on safety measures. This is a reversal of the usual parent/child rules, and it is often hard on both parties.

"Mom, when did you start cooking? How did you learn? What meal were you most proud of? Did you ever have a cooking disaster?" Engage her in conversation about this important part of her life. Acknowledge what a great cook she has been, how much you've learned from her, talk about her reputation within the family for her special dishes. Now that she is about ready to retire from this activity you'd like to do some cooking with her, and get some pointers on how she does things.

You might call her once in a while and ask how she used to make something, or whether it was dill or thyme she used in her squash soup -- acknowledge that was skilled and has something to pass on to you.

It is OK for her to be mad. It is OK for you to be firm. It is also OK to interact about the general topic of cooking, without arguing about her "retirement."
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