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Oldest daughter caregives for my father-in-law. He reported to us last August she wanted to cash in his retirement and buy another house for herselfMy wife and I care for my wife's 100 year old mother in our home. She receives some Social Security but has zero personal assets., and keep his house as well to rent it out and garner an income for herself. We tried to address this with her to no avail and called APS. After that my Father-in-law turned on all of his other children. When we reminded him we would not have k own any of the things he told us if he had not reported, he softened and we can communicate to him only if we call him(he used to call us once a week). His BD was at the end of Feb. all of us biological children and grandchildren were not notified or invited, only her family and step children which live in the area. I texted her and told her this was very wrong and she then had Dad call and tell me he was concerned that I would call her out on this. She refuses to talk with us. She complains bitterly about having the responsibility of the care but when help has been offered she is not receptive. APS said we need more evidence, how is this possible with no access and an elder who refuses to see how he is being controlled?

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It seems a typical theme that the relative doing the care-giving is overwhelmed, burnt-out and resentful of meddling siblings and in-laws.

At the time that you called in APS, you probably should have recognized that afterwards your relationship with the caregiver would be toast.

What is your husband, the blood relative, thinking about this? If you are sure that your FIL is being taken advantage of, and that all that's need is more proof, consider hiring a private detective to gather the evidence APS says you need.
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Get an elder law or estate planning consultation before ANY big steps are taken or decisions made - maybe try an elder mediation service if at this point there is no way to get sister in on things with you.
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I think there's another issue and that's whether you suspect emotional and/or financial abuse. Your post title considers the first but your post addresses the latter, perhaps as a component of the first.

If you believe she is emotionally abusing him as part of financial abuse, you'll need to find a way to get access to his financial records, check the Register of Deeds Office to see if the house has been sold, and other ways to document the financial abuse. This isn't going to be easy either.

Has your FIL executed any POA, financial or medical? If so, is the oldest daughter named as proxy?
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She's doing the 24/7 caregiving...and you all are upset that you were not invited to a party, after you reported her to APS because of what demented dad told you? Is that about right? I'm really asking.

Are you the caregivers's sibling? Have you offered to stay with dad for a week so she can have a break?

I'm concerned that she won't talk to you, but it may be because she's angry and burnt out. Take that into consideration.
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There is a difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. Fortunately, he shared her desire with you before she did it.

One thing you can tell him on the house issue is that if he ever needs Medicaid, the sale of that house to her, especially if it's not at market value, would raise a major issue in qualification for him. And he may need the funds for his long term care. Perhaps you could suggest a plan and contract by which that could be addressed; it may stop her from pushing the issue, if she's still considering it.

He may not want to address the issue of needing Medicaid or long term care though, so that's not a fool proof method.

I get the impression that she lives with him, and that you and other family members are farther away?

What kind of help have you offered for care of him? That might be the crux of the issue, and if so, I can understand that she might want to take over the house management, but apparently is only thinking in short term solutions.

I think you're going to have to find a way to spend more time with him, to break the impasse that prevents access, although it's not clear whether or not that's because of geographical issues or if she's preventing access.

You could try shifting the issue to her, advising that you're willing to help but don't know what she needs or wants. Be specific, put the onus on her to advise what help she wants and will accept.

However, I get the impression that there's still friction on this issue, so it might be something for which you need to develop a long term plan, especially if you're not local and will need to spend some time at the house where he's staying. If you work, that requires arrangements, so consider how you can integrate that into your schedule. Or, if you can't, how can you assist her in other ways - again, let her tell you so the responsibility is up to her.
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You petition the court for a Guardian to be appointed, or at the very least a conservator for his finances. Please remember, if he has dementia, he may not be getting his facts straight. Mom told us that bro had taken thousands, but it just wasn't true when we checked the records.
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