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We have been taking care of my Husbands 88 year old Grandma for almost 5 years now and We have a 9 year old child. We cant do this anymore.We never get to go anywhere unless it's to get her supplies. She had a Brain stem bleed and a stroke and cant walk. So someone has to be with her at all times. She starts fights with me daily. My daughter is upset all the time because we cant go and do the things her friends are doing. We feel it's time for Her to go to a nursing home, but she refuses to go. What can we do?

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mlk, who has Durable and Medical POA over your husband's grandmother? Are his parents or their siblings still living? What is your husband's input on all of this? Has grandmother's doctor said to you or to her, 'it is time for you to go to a nursing home." Has her doctor evaluated if she is competent to make sound business decisions in a business like manner? Have you had a home health nurse come out and evaluate the situation and talk with grandma?
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We had my mother in law for 6 very long years! Both my wife and I were exhausted and frustrated. We finally found a home for her and had to put the child locks on the car doors while we took her there. She is now 94 and "the strongest person in the dememtia unit! ! YOU NEED YOUR OWN LIFE AND SO DOES YOUR CHILD. You have to be forceful. Good luck
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After reading all the answers, I can see lots of people saying the same things, get help, etc. I've been through a similar situation, and the help can give you some respite, but if she really needs nursing care, it's still very hard on your family because YOU are are still ultimately responsible for her care every day. Most elderly are afraid of change, scared about entering that last move to skilled nursing care, knowing they will not live at home again in all likelihood. It took us about 6 months to move my MIL to Assisted Living/Memory Care, she didn't want to go either, but it was time and we continued to talk in a positive way about them, went on visits and kept the conversation on WHICH one we would choose, not IF we would choose. Ultimately, she did go and has adjusted very well and even says she likes her new senior apt! There is hope, but you will have to decide in your mind first that this is going to happen, it's just a matter of finding an appropriate place that will be able to meet her needs. Good Luck.
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At some point, for what ever reason we must simply come to the conclusion that a persons care needs are out of our hands. If you had some one in a coma, or vegitative state, or violently disordered you wouldn't think I have to keep them in my home. With a parent or grandparent you want to honor them and take care of them but sometimes doing what it best for them is not taking them into your home, upending your life taking precious time away from your own children and mate, losing a job, your own health, sleep and sanity to care for soem one else. if you can and this is your choice, good luck and best wishes and you are taking on a very heavy burden and I hope you both do well, if not realize you are very likely NOT a trained, paid care giver, you are not a nurse nor is your home a residential facility for caring for some one with serious medical needs. If the person is mobile and competent it is just an issue of time and common stresses of extended family, but if the person needs significant care and time and you are already working full time, raising kids, managing a household, this is a burden that will surly increase the complexity and stress of your life to the point where it is questionable that it was even the right decision. Also one may take in an elder person whose needs change over time, and what may have been house room and doctors visits on your lunch break have become, full time body care of incontinence, non eating, mental duress, medication changes and constant monitoring. Needs change and with it, your choices. If you choose to sacrifice much more of your life, and time with others in your family, and your work to care for a loved one you are truly a kind and giving person, maybe it is not a burden at all to you, but if you make yourself ill in the process, or run yourself ragged, or attempt to give care you are really not qualified to give, who are you helping really?
These are such complex and emotional issues for us all, we all need to get as much support and information and possible about what we decide to do, or not do at every step of the process, both for our own well being and that of the person/patient we have chosen to look after...
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It would be great if it were that easy to drop your loved one off at the home of their choice, unfortunately it takes a little more than that. There is normally a waiting list and then of course the piles of paperwork to be filled out, finances verified, etc. And even acceptance into the home as a resident. Physician care, medical reports.....the list grows. If my children had acted like my elderly mil, they would not have grown up to be adults! There is a lot of difference between raising a child and taking care of an elderly person who has forgotten a lot about daily personal care and just life in general and is incapable of learning the way a child would. If only it were that easy.
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Dealing with the elderly has to be like dealing with a child! Give the grandmother a choice that is a win, win situation for you both! For example: Grandma, would you like to go to this nursing home or this nursing home & have the names of both available for her. If she says neither, say, that is not a choice, it is this nursing home or this nursing home, you choose which one & we can go together & look at both if you'd like, so you can make a choice at that time. Have her a bag already packed & when she says which one, leave her at that one & tell her how proud you are for her choosing the right one. Make sure you go to visit her when you say you will. That is important! You don't want her to feel abandoned! Good luck with grandma! Marilyn
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Aleeta, I agree and appreciate much of what you are saying. They are missing out on some things. But when any of us take on this task of cargiving we do. My elder is in much of the same situation as mlk's she has just enough money to not qualify for assistance but not enough to pay for a nursing home. She was in a nursing home ill after a stroke and was crying cause she didnt want to be there. And in my heart I couldnt leave her there and sleep at night. I grew up when my family was taking turns caring for my great grandma, and my husbands grew up with his elderly grandma in the home. He was o.k. probably more compassionate than most, and has lots of respect for the elderly. So cargiving isn't anything new in this famiy. I do sympathiaze with mlk though. It's not always easy. But at least right now I wouldn't do anything different. Later on down the road if she were to become mentaly unstable and could't be left alone, and we handled her care i would probably hire some respite. But I promised her we would take care of her from now on. So a nursing home for us is out of the question. mlk~You are farther down the road in your cargiving than we are at this point. 5 years is a long time. My littlest one is 4 and the thought of him being nine and this is still going on does scare me. However after re reading your post i do see that it looks like you guys have made up your mind that you want her in a nh. I was just giving you suggestions on how you could handle your little girl, and some sympathy that you are not alone. As far as her refusing to go to a nursing home, i'm not sure what you should do about that. Unless you guys are a POA which if she is hiring her own helpers you probably aren't. You might talk with her honestley and say look. There are some things we want to go do this summer, my daughter wants to play ball,or we need to go out as a family ever so often,ect., this is when we are going to be gone from the house, please arrange someone to be here during that time. Is there a reason why she thinks it's o.k. for her to stay there and not go to a nursing home like you have asked?
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I want to thank everyone for their help. For the first couple of years taking care of Grandma I would try and get her out of the house.But she would never go. I eventually stopped asking. She does hire people to come and bath her and change her depends. 2 hours in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 1 at night. A total of 4 hours a day. We go in the mornings to get her supplies when she runs out because this is when we have the most time then. She gets mad when we are late because she has to pay overtime. She owns her own home and has money in the bank so In home supportive services wont help her with anything. She doesn't have any more family members. It has been a bad situation the whole time. The person that she use to hire to bath her was a horrible person. She would get grandma mad at us daily. she hated my husband . she would always talk bad about him to his grandma.She would say that I was a bad cook , a bad house keeper, and that I dident know how to take care of my daughter. She would ask prying questions about medication and say she dident think that grandma should be on it. then the meds would go missing. I would tell grandma but she was too caught up in this women that she wouldn't believe me. This women had her wrapped around her little finger. She no longer works for her. the people that she has now for about a year are wonderful to her and us.
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To "mlk" & 'allshesgot' ("its just easier to stay home. ...hire someone to sit with her? That's not an option for us she would never go for it.") Who's life it this??? Be insistent, firm, and compassionate when you introduce alternatives to you being tied down with an elderly person. You are losing forever precious family experiences every child deserves by
essentially giving in and giving up to your elderly relative's idiosyncrasies, anxieties & fears. Old people are inflexible, don't like change, fear abandonment, crave reassurance.
That's inevitable. Realize that and go on with your life--once you have provided the old ones with a safe, comfortable place....which they will NOT like, at least initially.
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mlk, You and your husband's first priority is to your marriage and child. I agree with the others when they say that she's afraid of even the word 'nursing home' cause it does mean the 'end'. Why not look for an Adult Foster Care home instead? Better care because they may only have 5 people at most and it's not the dreaded 'nursing home'. Whatever you decide, husband & child come first, just like grandma probably thought when she was raising a young child.
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You need to get someone to come in two or three times a week so you and your daughter can get out. If there are no relatives to help out , then hire an old person sitter. Yes, having an old person live with you is very inconvenient. I have an 98 year old mother living with me. Your little daughter is watching your behavior with grandma. Little kids have long memories and are learning how to treat their own parents when they get old. When I get to feeling put upon I remember how long my mom had to put up with me and I never ever had a babysitter. You are frustrated and should not handle this by yourself. Explain to grandma that a sitter will be there but will call you if there is a need. Call the council on aging to get reliable help.
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mlk.......I am trying to read through your post so I understand each aspect and as I see it since grandma can no longer walk there are other things she cannot do either. Brain hemorrhage and stroke are very debilitating and you have gone above and beyond with caring for her for 5 years....Bravo! Of course she doesn't want to go to a nursing home, but since she requires around the clock care, this seems to be the only rational thing to do unless you can hire someone to come into your home. Do you have POA? Does your husband? You have a young child and it is not fair to that child that her life and activities should revolve around grandma. Grandma is in the last stages of her life....your child is just beginning hers and needs her parents and if your hands are full taking care of grandma then the child gets neglected. There is nothing wrong with placing grandma somewhere she will be well cared for. And do not feel guilty or let anyone make you feel that way.....you have cared for her for 5 years. Not every one can care for someone in their own home for years and sometimes it is the best thing to do before the family becomes resentful and starts to deteriorate from the stress of that daily care.

Big Hugz to you!
Jam
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Have you considered adult day care? Medical adult day cares like are appropriate for non-ambulatory clients like your husband's grandmother and she may be more inclined to go to adult day than a nursing home. It's a safe, home-like environment and she'll get the socialization, therapeutic programming and health care supervision she needs, but still be able to come home at night. Adult day cares are also much less expensive than nursing homes.
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We must not let this stop our lives, or our responsibilities to our own children. The fact that a person does not want a caretaker is besides the point. It is the way it is, they will deal with it. The caretakers are experienced in this. Get one that is. The elder person cannot control you unless you let them. Get it started! Amazing how well they will cope with another person when you are not around. And when they tell you how horrible it is, be epithetic, but firm. Don't stop. Bring someone in again. It can't start to happen if you never hire someone, never take them to daycare, never take them to visit assisted living homes, so they can have a chance to become interested, to become acclimated.
Only us the caregivers keep us in our own prison.
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Most elders do not want to go to a NH. She is afraid. I would be if I were in her shoes.Possibly you can take her to a few places you have checked out, let her see for herself, maybe meet some of the other elders. Let some of it be her choice.
It may take time but she may warm to the idea. When she sees that there are activities, and the nurses and aids are caring. she may decide it is the best thing.
As I said she is scaired. To many elders this means "the end of the line". make arrangements with the facility to give her a tour. My heart goes out to all of you, but mostly to her as she is feeling this is her last hold out for independence and dignity.
Wishing you a good outcome, and let us know how things are with you.
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I know how ya feel, we have 5 children and are taking care of husbands aunt for 6 months, after her stroke. Took the kids to a function last weekend and she was teary all day, so its just easier to stay home. Can you hire someone to sit with her? That's not an option for us she would never go for it. Its hard I know,we have missed school events and lots of stuff already, but hang in there in the end your daughter will learn compassion and respect,and will give you the same if she sees you doing it. I try not to tell the kids we can't go do this or that cause of her. I give them other reasons, I don't feel well, don't have the money, it starts to late, let's watch a movie tonight instead, or order pizza, play a game. Do you have other realitives that can give you guys some respite?
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